Dear Diary

May 22, 2013

No end in sight.

Britney

Before I started school this year, I thought eighth grade would be some kind of Golden Age. I was finally a teenager! I could partake in society’s immortalized rituals of teendom! I would be invited to parties (I don’t know why I thought that), get asked to prom, and cement the bond that I had with my best friends! Maybe Molly Ringwald would even make an appearance. I was gonna have one of the best years of my life!

You may have guessed by now that I was wrong. Completely, horribly wrong. As soon as I got to school I wished I could do a U-turn back into summer and stay there. I wasn’t invited to any parties, and I haven’t been asked to prom. My friends and I didn’t get closer; if anything, the space between us grew, shoving us into separate, faraway galaxies on our own. Next year that distance will become literal, when we all go off to separate high schools. There are very few people who I think are going to bother keeping in contact with me after graduation, and maybe that’s for the best, because there are very few people I would actually like to see outside of school. I feel guilty for not caring more about these people, these memories, because I know I’m going to let them slowly fade over time. But I don’t want to romanticize something that I hated. I was (and am) bullied relentlessly this year. People I considered close friends went out of their way to make me feel horrible about myself.

I can count two times when I have felt remotely sentimental about the end of eighth grade: (1) when I listened to “Pomp and Circumstance” (the graduation song), and (2) when I had a small panic attack upon realizing that next year, I will be going to HIGH SCHOOL—a school where I know only one other person. After that comes COLLEGE, then being an adult, which will most likely make the stress I’m going through now seem like nothing.

I don’t know what the future has in store for me. All I know is that it’s never been less clear. A year ago I imagined that right about now I’d be feeling weepy and nostalgic about the end of a gilded era. I’d be making pacts with all my friends, promising to keep in touch. Instead, I feel like I’m in the middle of the Dark Ages, and there’s no end in sight. ♦

Page

1 2 3 4 5

25 Comments

  • noquierodecir May 22nd, 2013 7:13 PM

    Ruby, your diary this week really touched me.
    I feel so similarly, and am hoping to stay out of the hospital.

    Thank you for writing.

  • zigzag-221 May 22nd, 2013 7:25 PM

    Ruby- I feel you.
    I want that support that comes from relationships but at the same time I just want everyone to stay the hell away.
    I like to think all I need is to be somewhere where I’m free and can just float in space not even aware of time, a place where all I see is sky

    and I wonder if I feel this way because I’m distanced from people or if it’s just the routine mudanity of life….

  • MissKnowItAll May 22nd, 2013 7:27 PM

    Ruby,
    I feel like we are the same person at this point and it pains me to know that what you’re going through is real. It gets harder to give a fuck each day because as the hands on the clock move, there is less to give a fuck about. Meds don’t work bc they lose their effectiveness as soon as they go down my throat and I know I should care about school bc graduation isn’t too far away and I want to do well and make my parents proud but I don’t want to leave my bed or go to school. There’s always that opportunity at the beginning of the day to take the train going the opposite way and have an adventure instead of sleeping through school. I used to go to coney island on my test days so I wouldn’t have to sit at a desk with a scantron and pretend like I gave a fuck about my future.

  • MegW May 22nd, 2013 7:35 PM

    Eighth grade too! Today was my last day of middle school, EVER :), but I’m not really looking forward to high school.

  • lydiamerida May 22nd, 2013 7:56 PM

    Ruby i think we have twin souls

  • Tory May 22nd, 2013 8:06 PM

    Britney,
    Your post was so relatable that it almost is like you interviewed me. And that this position in life really, really blows.

  • GlitterKitty May 22nd, 2013 8:17 PM

    Ruby, your diaries are always amazing but this one was freaking off the charts brilliant. Seriously, I would give it an award or something but I don’t have one so…. But just try to remember that people really do care about you and they just want you to be happy. I don’t know if that really helps but good luck.

  • Charlotte CallaGirl May 22nd, 2013 8:22 PM

    Ruby, Britney, Naomi, Catherine- all of you. Your diaries were just PURELY AMAZING. You were really brave in posting something as personal as that, in my opinion, and have to applaud you for it!
    Sophie
    My blog:

    http://thecallagirl.wordpress.com

  • Kate Brown May 22nd, 2013 8:24 PM

    awesome! Amazing diaries always!
    http://katsinabowtie.blogspot.ca/

  • -alexandra- May 22nd, 2013 8:38 PM

    Wow, Katherine. I love the way you told your diary this week. It was really awesome. I like imagining the things that happen in my life as objects, too- like having the day I went to New York City be the small spoon I kept from a gelato place or the bumper sticker on my car holds so many memories because it is from one of my favorite restruant thousands of miles away with my best friend.

    Objects (even imagined ones) can hold so much weight in our lives.

  • Chloe22 May 22nd, 2013 9:00 PM

    High school sucks. But it’s awesome at the same time. You just have to look for the good, I guess.I’m homeschooled so I’m supposed to be mal adjusted and have no business talking about this, but quite honestly? I know all about it. I’ve been bullied, lost friends, and, well, all that stuff that happens when you start like liking people. I can think of MAJOR terrible stuff. But then I think of all the cool music I’ve discovered, I’ve figured out where I stand politically a little more, I have a pretty good idea of what I plan on doing once I’m an adult, and believe it or not…. And the one thing that always saves me from the three weeks into September blues: THINKING ABOUT SUMMER
    http://rhinestonemoon.blogspot.com/

  • rhymeswithorange May 22nd, 2013 10:34 PM

    Britney, hang in there! 8th grade sucked for me too. I promise you, high school is a million billion times better. Really. Take a nice long break and then dive into high school with an open mind.
    Katherine, your “best friend” was really awful to you there, good riddance! And you do not have no one.

  • neon jelly May 22nd, 2013 11:07 PM

    well… I have always been the one everyone gets along with but recently one girl bullied me and I completely fell for her words and her hate towards me, although I knew inside they weren’t true. as much as it hurts sometimes I just think dirt poor people would take my life any day over theirs and live under a nice roof and deal with teenage emotional problems. BTW I had the same thought about high school (as seen on tv) total lie, if anything I hate it, its too much work.

  • Ruby B. May 23rd, 2013 12:48 AM

    Oh, Katherine, friend breakups are the worst, but also the best in that they are so relieving. You don’t have “no one”.

  • elliecp May 23rd, 2013 2:28 AM

    Ruby, your story reminds me so much of myself and I love the whole idea of being a walking stereotype and not even meaning to be. And Britney, every school year isn’t what yo expected to be…just hang in there, because its over before you know it and then you’re expected to actually be responsible and work and stuff *shudders*

    http://roseandvintage.blogspot.com/

  • allyishere May 23rd, 2013 5:40 AM

    Naomi- that’s so weird because for years I’ve been having strange dreams where I go to use a public toilet and the stall doesn’t work for some reason? and I’ve never understood them hahaha

    Katherine- stay strong bb

  • Graciexx May 23rd, 2013 9:15 AM

    Britney, don’t worry high school is soooooo much better than middle school. I absolutely hated 8th grade even though I had amazing friends and fantastic teachers. Have a fun summer and go to high school, make some kickass friends (at school/around town/online/penpal), learn to lie about homework and generally be awesome. I promise you it is not the dark ages and soon you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just hang in there, hold on tight and hope for the best.

    As for entering teenagerdom, it’s doesn’t have to be parties and molly ringwald and prom and friendship braclets. it can be tumblr, icecream, basketball, chocolate, a best friend, a huge group of awesome people, great music, staying up late watching mean girls for the billionth time, it can basically be anything you want it to be.

    Good luck and have fun :)

  • Beth Carter May 23rd, 2013 11:15 AM

    Britney, don’t worry, it’ll be okay. It’s a well-known fact that 8th grade actually royally sucks for most people. I felt the same way you did, and I also went to a high school where I only knew one person. But it turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It’s not all that scary, I promise! I’m sure you’ll love it; I do.

  • cornly_ May 23rd, 2013 11:29 AM

    this is great

  • EmmaS May 23rd, 2013 3:50 PM

    Ruby, you are a beautiful writer. I recently started reading your blog and I really like it. I hope you write more!!

  • Kourtney May 23rd, 2013 7:16 PM

    Britney, I hope high school turns out alright for you. When I was in eighth grade, I had such high hopes for high school. I thought I’d make the best of friends, and go to parties and indulge in the ‘immortalized rituals of teendom’ like you. And I was wrong, too. Everything was awful and instead of feeling immortalized, I felt dead. But what’s helping me now is me trying to the make the best of my surroundings/circumstances. Good luck in high school!

  • gretagreta May 23rd, 2013 10:12 PM

    Such great thoughts and writing as always. <3

    Britney, I totally know how you feel! I moved to England my freshman year of high school, and grasping a new city, new culture, new education system seemed to add to the normal stress of trying to make friends and get grades. And then this year, I returned to the U.S. and I'm going to my local high school. There's 1500 students but I feel like I know most of them from some vein of life. And you know what? I wish I walked into the building knowing no one, just like in London the year before. It's terrifying, but you don't have all the past yuckiness following you. You don't have to pretend to be friends with people because you guys used to have sleepovers together in fourth grade. You will get to find out who you are! That was what my freshman year was all about, and I doubt it would have had the same effect had I been somewhere more within my comfort zone. Lots of love!

    Greta xoxo
    laviedegreta.blogspot.com

  • justsomeone May 26th, 2013 2:10 AM

    Ruby you write so beautifully <3

  • diniada13 May 27th, 2013 11:41 AM

    Britney did you copy my diary because I’m also going to high school where I only knew one person from my middle school!!!!

    Ruby, Catherine, Naomi, Caitlin, I really hope things get better. I hope your bad days fly away like clouds in windy days. I wish I could give you all a hug right now <3 <3

  • avery jackson May 30th, 2013 8:44 PM

    Ruby! I used to spend all of 8th grade in those woods, I would “walk to school” and just go into the woods and chill. It was so nice