Dear Diary

May 22, 2013

No end in sight.

Katherine

This summer is already legendary. So legendary it needs to be commemorated with souvenirs.

I need someone to make me one of those T-shirts they sell at surf-shop chains that say “Summer Break 2013,” but instead of images of, like, sunshine and palm trees, mine would picture me in bed with a piping-hot Wild Berry Pop Tart and a glass of milk.

Or it could have a picture of me speaking on the phone with these words in bubble text: “It’s just that something’s not there anymore. I don’t want to hang out anymore. We don’t have anything in common, we never hang out, and when we do, it’s uncomfortable.” With this one I’d need a matching shirt for my former best friend, showing her response to my phone call: “That’s not what this is. It doesn’t matter if we don’t talk a lot. This friendship is us meeting up every once in a while to catch up. I thought this was going to be forever. You were going to be a bridesmaid at my wedding. We’ve been together for 10 years. When I left school there was a reason you were the only person I kept in touch with after high school. You were having a hard time getting along with girls there, and I supported you. I felt bad for you. Good luck ever finding anyone else.” Maybe up above that text, or on the back, there would be a picture of me sitting in my car in the Kroger parking lot, my phone on the floor, staring into the distance.

When I got home, my mother had gotten a text from my ex-best-friend’s mother telling her that the ex-BFF was very upset. This upset my mother. She asked me where my morals are. At this point I took the high road by making my voice as deep as possible and snarling at her that I was Satan. I could tell this did not go over well with my mother, because her response was “Is that how you really feel?” instead of the “Oh, I’m wrongly accusing you of having no heart, I’ll leave you alone” that I was going for. For my mother, the devil is real, making my impersonation even more obnoxious, and this incident probably harder to recover from. I can’t figure out an appropriate souvenir to commemorate this event. Matching mood necklaces so that we can read each other’s emotions in our next fight? A ceramic plaque that says “Maybe don’t impersonate the devil” that I can hang next to the one she already owns that reads “Together we can do great things. —God”? A sculpture of two google-eyed dried fish—a puffer and a crab—duking it out, with our names and “SUMMER 2013” written underneath? I can’t decide. I’ll probably just get a boob mug, because boobs belong to women and women are crazy and fight a lot. That’ll keep the memory fresh. (JK OBV) WISH YOU WERE HERE, ROOKS. ♦

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25 Comments

  • noquierodecir May 22nd, 2013 7:13 PM

    Ruby, your diary this week really touched me.
    I feel so similarly, and am hoping to stay out of the hospital.

    Thank you for writing.

  • zigzag-221 May 22nd, 2013 7:25 PM

    Ruby- I feel you.
    I want that support that comes from relationships but at the same time I just want everyone to stay the hell away.
    I like to think all I need is to be somewhere where I’m free and can just float in space not even aware of time, a place where all I see is sky

    and I wonder if I feel this way because I’m distanced from people or if it’s just the routine mudanity of life….

  • MissKnowItAll May 22nd, 2013 7:27 PM

    Ruby,
    I feel like we are the same person at this point and it pains me to know that what you’re going through is real. It gets harder to give a fuck each day because as the hands on the clock move, there is less to give a fuck about. Meds don’t work bc they lose their effectiveness as soon as they go down my throat and I know I should care about school bc graduation isn’t too far away and I want to do well and make my parents proud but I don’t want to leave my bed or go to school. There’s always that opportunity at the beginning of the day to take the train going the opposite way and have an adventure instead of sleeping through school. I used to go to coney island on my test days so I wouldn’t have to sit at a desk with a scantron and pretend like I gave a fuck about my future.

  • MegW May 22nd, 2013 7:35 PM

    Eighth grade too! Today was my last day of middle school, EVER :), but I’m not really looking forward to high school.

  • lydiamerida May 22nd, 2013 7:56 PM

    Ruby i think we have twin souls

  • Tory May 22nd, 2013 8:06 PM

    Britney,
    Your post was so relatable that it almost is like you interviewed me. And that this position in life really, really blows.

  • GlitterKitty May 22nd, 2013 8:17 PM

    Ruby, your diaries are always amazing but this one was freaking off the charts brilliant. Seriously, I would give it an award or something but I don’t have one so…. But just try to remember that people really do care about you and they just want you to be happy. I don’t know if that really helps but good luck.

  • Charlotte CallaGirl May 22nd, 2013 8:22 PM

    Ruby, Britney, Naomi, Catherine- all of you. Your diaries were just PURELY AMAZING. You were really brave in posting something as personal as that, in my opinion, and have to applaud you for it!
    Sophie
    My blog:

    http://thecallagirl.wordpress.com

  • Kate Brown May 22nd, 2013 8:24 PM

    awesome! Amazing diaries always!
    http://katsinabowtie.blogspot.ca/

  • -alexandra- May 22nd, 2013 8:38 PM

    Wow, Katherine. I love the way you told your diary this week. It was really awesome. I like imagining the things that happen in my life as objects, too- like having the day I went to New York City be the small spoon I kept from a gelato place or the bumper sticker on my car holds so many memories because it is from one of my favorite restruant thousands of miles away with my best friend.

    Objects (even imagined ones) can hold so much weight in our lives.

  • Chloe22 May 22nd, 2013 9:00 PM

    High school sucks. But it’s awesome at the same time. You just have to look for the good, I guess.I’m homeschooled so I’m supposed to be mal adjusted and have no business talking about this, but quite honestly? I know all about it. I’ve been bullied, lost friends, and, well, all that stuff that happens when you start like liking people. I can think of MAJOR terrible stuff. But then I think of all the cool music I’ve discovered, I’ve figured out where I stand politically a little more, I have a pretty good idea of what I plan on doing once I’m an adult, and believe it or not…. And the one thing that always saves me from the three weeks into September blues: THINKING ABOUT SUMMER
    http://rhinestonemoon.blogspot.com/

  • rhymeswithorange May 22nd, 2013 10:34 PM

    Britney, hang in there! 8th grade sucked for me too. I promise you, high school is a million billion times better. Really. Take a nice long break and then dive into high school with an open mind.
    Katherine, your “best friend” was really awful to you there, good riddance! And you do not have no one.

  • neon jelly May 22nd, 2013 11:07 PM

    well… I have always been the one everyone gets along with but recently one girl bullied me and I completely fell for her words and her hate towards me, although I knew inside they weren’t true. as much as it hurts sometimes I just think dirt poor people would take my life any day over theirs and live under a nice roof and deal with teenage emotional problems. BTW I had the same thought about high school (as seen on tv) total lie, if anything I hate it, its too much work.

  • Ruby B. May 23rd, 2013 12:48 AM

    Oh, Katherine, friend breakups are the worst, but also the best in that they are so relieving. You don’t have “no one”.

  • elliecp May 23rd, 2013 2:28 AM

    Ruby, your story reminds me so much of myself and I love the whole idea of being a walking stereotype and not even meaning to be. And Britney, every school year isn’t what yo expected to be…just hang in there, because its over before you know it and then you’re expected to actually be responsible and work and stuff *shudders*

    http://roseandvintage.blogspot.com/

  • allyishere May 23rd, 2013 5:40 AM

    Naomi- that’s so weird because for years I’ve been having strange dreams where I go to use a public toilet and the stall doesn’t work for some reason? and I’ve never understood them hahaha

    Katherine- stay strong bb

  • Graciexx May 23rd, 2013 9:15 AM

    Britney, don’t worry high school is soooooo much better than middle school. I absolutely hated 8th grade even though I had amazing friends and fantastic teachers. Have a fun summer and go to high school, make some kickass friends (at school/around town/online/penpal), learn to lie about homework and generally be awesome. I promise you it is not the dark ages and soon you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just hang in there, hold on tight and hope for the best.

    As for entering teenagerdom, it’s doesn’t have to be parties and molly ringwald and prom and friendship braclets. it can be tumblr, icecream, basketball, chocolate, a best friend, a huge group of awesome people, great music, staying up late watching mean girls for the billionth time, it can basically be anything you want it to be.

    Good luck and have fun :)

  • Beth Carter May 23rd, 2013 11:15 AM

    Britney, don’t worry, it’ll be okay. It’s a well-known fact that 8th grade actually royally sucks for most people. I felt the same way you did, and I also went to a high school where I only knew one person. But it turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It’s not all that scary, I promise! I’m sure you’ll love it; I do.

  • cornly_ May 23rd, 2013 11:29 AM

    this is great

  • EmmaS May 23rd, 2013 3:50 PM

    Ruby, you are a beautiful writer. I recently started reading your blog and I really like it. I hope you write more!!

  • Kourtney May 23rd, 2013 7:16 PM

    Britney, I hope high school turns out alright for you. When I was in eighth grade, I had such high hopes for high school. I thought I’d make the best of friends, and go to parties and indulge in the ‘immortalized rituals of teendom’ like you. And I was wrong, too. Everything was awful and instead of feeling immortalized, I felt dead. But what’s helping me now is me trying to the make the best of my surroundings/circumstances. Good luck in high school!

  • gretagreta May 23rd, 2013 10:12 PM

    Such great thoughts and writing as always. <3

    Britney, I totally know how you feel! I moved to England my freshman year of high school, and grasping a new city, new culture, new education system seemed to add to the normal stress of trying to make friends and get grades. And then this year, I returned to the U.S. and I'm going to my local high school. There's 1500 students but I feel like I know most of them from some vein of life. And you know what? I wish I walked into the building knowing no one, just like in London the year before. It's terrifying, but you don't have all the past yuckiness following you. You don't have to pretend to be friends with people because you guys used to have sleepovers together in fourth grade. You will get to find out who you are! That was what my freshman year was all about, and I doubt it would have had the same effect had I been somewhere more within my comfort zone. Lots of love!

    Greta xoxo
    laviedegreta.blogspot.com

  • justsomeone May 26th, 2013 2:10 AM

    Ruby you write so beautifully <3

  • diniada13 May 27th, 2013 11:41 AM

    Britney did you copy my diary because I’m also going to high school where I only knew one person from my middle school!!!!

    Ruby, Catherine, Naomi, Caitlin, I really hope things get better. I hope your bad days fly away like clouds in windy days. I wish I could give you all a hug right now <3 <3

  • avery jackson May 30th, 2013 8:44 PM

    Ruby! I used to spend all of 8th grade in those woods, I would “walk to school” and just go into the woods and chill. It was so nice