Things that were sort of not the best this week:
- Going to Alabama to help at my grandfather’s estate sale and hearing about a lot of random people’s diabetes, bladder infections, and Weight Watchers experiences.
- My family members loudly asking “how it went” when I returned after disappearing for an hour. I know I’m, like, the #1 cheerleader for talking about “gross” stuff, but it’s not cool. There’s conceivably a funny way to do this, but no one there had found it. For the record, I took a nap because I was tired after playing chase/hide-and-seek for hours.
Things I did not like at all about this week:
- At the estate sale, I ended up babysitting my five-year-old cousin. Look, it’s fine that I had to do it, because I’m so inept at negotiating with people and lifting things that I would have otherwise been useless, but children are Not Cute. Also, I failed to act according to my beliefs. For instance, I believe that you shouldn’t let children win at games just because they are younger and supposedly cute. HOWEVER, this twerp beat me at every game of cards and almost every race. “You’re just letting me win,” she kept on saying. Uh, no, girl—I don’t like you, I’m just a really slow runner. I did succeed in following my rule of using really big words and asking difficult questions. Children should be confused, because they need to know that the world is a confusing place and they should start figuring out how to make it less scary.
- Talking to a certain family member who always asks me if I know my cousin was born out of wedlock and that her father is black. This weekend she also told me to make sure my cousin didn’t steal anything from the sale.
Things I did a lot of this week:
- Read through the Craigslist classifieds. Found nothing. Read through them again. Reluctantly bookmarked at least one posting.
- Said “YOLO.”
- Narcissism: selfies. Twitter. Drunk selfies. Drunk Twitter. You get the idea.
Something I realized this week:
- I’m aces at charming nurses. They LOVE me. I’ve always felt bummed about not having a special mundane talent (being double-jointed or able to recite the alphabet backwards), but now I know mine. Self-discovery!
Things I really liked about this week:
- Driving all the way to Decatur, Alabama, alone at night. When you get to Decatur you cross a river and pass a tower that says Decatur: Home of Meow Mix.
- My brother is home. We YOLO a lot.
- RuPaul’s Drag Race reunion episode confirmed my suspicion that humans might be incredible sometimes. ♦