Dear Diary

May 15, 2013

Twitter! Selfies! Racists! Romance! Misanthropy! And more.

Naomi

I read something truly terrifying in the paper the other week. There, tucked away in the penultimate paragraph of a passionless defence of the title Miss, was this offhanded remark: “We learn the vast majority of our vocabulary before the age of 18 (you add a few odds and sods after that, but they don’t become part of you and your working daily toolkit, permanently and easily accessible without a moment’s conscious thought).” I would describe the feeling I got when I read that as total abject doom. I am 19 years old, which, if the newspaper columnist is correct, means that my brain’s best word-learning days are behind us.

I went outside to get some air, and the descriptors that float through my head are the same ones I’ve used for ages: blooming, fresh, fragrant, fertile, damp, blossom, bursting. I am frustrated by this deficit of expression. I describe things, but not in the sort of detail that conveys anything like my reality, the way the world exists for me. None of my words feel right. It’s all been said before.

I feel this all the time, like there is a huge gaping hole in my comprehension. There are things that exist in my mind that I cannot convey. It’s like a form of amnesia—I think something, some word or phrase, should be there, but I look for it and can’t find it. Sometimes, while I am preoccupied with trying to find a way to fill in these gaps, the present runs away from me uncontrollably fast.

This year of school, for instance, has passed in the blink of an eye. It will all be over in a month—school, exams, the place, the people. And I regret that, I regret that it will all be over so soon. Then what will I do? What will I do when I don’t have work to avoid, when I don’t have a place to go five days a week? I got so used to the friends I made and the routine that I created. There will be none of the structure that I’ve found so helpful.

This ending is sort of anticlimactic. I am not preparing for my final exams with any urgency right now, even though they are quickly approaching. But I am not “laid-back” either—the very notion unnerves me. I am mostly on edge about my inability to do what I feel a deep desire to do, which is to create something original, to put this weird existence into words that will properly describe it to myself and others. For now, I can only call it “weird.” ♦

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26 Comments

  • Ally_O May 15th, 2013 7:23 PM

    Britney, I totally feel you. “Lack of meaningful interaction…” That is my life.

  • sepiawriter May 15th, 2013 7:52 PM

    Britney, reading your last two entries has felt so strange, because it’s as if you were writing what’s on my mind.
    It’s strange how hard it is for a person to just be how they should be without toning themselves down because everyone else might find them strange.
    I don’t even know where all my feelings are because everything seems so hollow.

  • Julia845 May 15th, 2013 8:21 PM

    Naomi, this is what all of my days are like. I’m still 18, so I suppose I still have time to pick up a few last minute words, but I totally feel you on the I-want-to-express-these-feelings-and-concepts-how-on-earth-do-I-do-that front. It’s endlessly frustrating!

  • vintagebarbie May 15th, 2013 9:00 PM

    No Ruby. I am the worst Cher ever. My bestfriend had a crush on this cute girl that he’d never ask out. He tried multiple times and once even ran away from her! Good luck though! They will be a very cute couple! I know you can set them up clearly they will both me happy.
    http://howfittingblog.blogspot.com/

  • vintagebarbie May 15th, 2013 9:01 PM

    I wanted to know if it was OK to put that picture on my own blog post I promise that I will give you guys credit! I love it so much and it’d look really good with my newest post!
    http://howfittingblog.blogspot.com/

  • Kourtney May 15th, 2013 9:27 PM

    Britney, I feel you man. I’m still waiting for the day when I’ll meet that someone who’d just sit there and listen to me, not judge or try to tell me exactly what to do, just listen. I just wanted someone to be there to listen and tell me everything would be fine and to keep going. But I haven’t met that person yet. And I’ve also been giving people a “less-nutritious” version of myself. And I’ve been doing it since high school. It’s either I have to dumb myself down to relate to some people or I have to be pessimistic to relate to the others. There are things in your diary that relate so much to me – that IS me. I wish you the best Brit <3

  • plushy1222 May 15th, 2013 10:00 PM

    Brittany, I completley understand where you are coming from. Many instances, I feel the same way, like no one ever understand you or you can never say what is on your mind because people will look at you like you’re psycho. But believe me when I say, there are people out there who are just as crazy (if not more) as you are! and they feel the say way that you are feeling right now. All it takes is some time and effort to find them, and when you do, you guys will be inseperable <3

  • Chloe22 May 15th, 2013 10:02 PM

    Ugh, friends are so confusing! I’m one of those many girls who’s never dated, but instead has a lot of friend experience. There was the friend who told me she was going to a concert I couldn’t go to to make me jealous, because obviously I deserved that considering my family couldn’t afford a fourth ticket for the concert I was going to for her, the friend who thought it was her job to ruin every crush I had by pretending she wasn’t dating them for months….the list goes on! It’s so hard to find NICE PEOPLE. I hope you find an awesome friend, Britney. In my experience, I’m usually trying to ”fix” a jerky friend, when there’s a caring friend who wants to chill on an equal level.
    http://rhinestonemoon.blogspot.com/

    • neon jelly May 15th, 2013 11:34 PM

      I know exactly what you mean, there is always something in the way. most of the time (for me) the guys are (I don’t use this words much) GHETTO, players, jerks, but I finally found one guy at least just recently very charming. and haha something similar happened to me and its been 10 months :3

      • Chloe22 May 16th, 2013 10:20 AM

        funny you say that i accidentally sent an email chat to the girl I was talking about and am freaking right now… LOL my life

  • thebrownette May 15th, 2013 11:19 PM

    Britany, I FEEL YA.

  • neon jelly May 15th, 2013 11:28 PM

    come on ben! if he’s scared to ask her then she just might be the most special girl. 90% true

  • shin o May 15th, 2013 11:50 PM

    i can relate to Britney a lot that i even wrote the first sentences of her entry in my secret diary (i put Rookiemag.com as source, btw.)
    maybe u can let yourself just be out and weird sometimes, tho. :)

  • elliecp May 16th, 2013 2:21 AM

    totally feeling you, sisters.

    http://roseandvintage.blogspot.com/

  • Charlotte CallaGirl May 16th, 2013 6:04 AM

    I LOVED BRITNEY’S POST. It was a total relate-to for me, and that was actually exactly what I was thinking of the other day. It was kind of like a mirrored thought that completely came alive.

    http://thecallagirl.wordpress.com

  • katmelon May 16th, 2013 9:00 AM

    HOMAIGAWD NAOMI THANK YOU FOR THAT. My birthday is in 4 months and I am going to LEARN TWENTY WORDS EVERYDAY. EVERYDAY!!!

  • julalondon May 16th, 2013 3:11 PM

    Katherine, i think i love you.

  • katycruel May 16th, 2013 3:18 PM

    the girl should just ask ben out, right? or is it a test of his stick-to-itiveness?

  • GlitterKitty May 16th, 2013 4:54 PM

    Oh Britney I know what you mean. I feel that I always have to show a sort off fake side of myself to people at school too. But I think that if you always fake it to other people, they’ll never really understand you because the person they know isn’t really you. If only I could take my own advice…. Good luck, I hope things start looking up for you soon.

  • abby111039 May 16th, 2013 5:07 PM

    Holy shit Britney, it’s like you read my mind. Seriously, your entry is perfection.

  • Elle May 16th, 2013 9:55 PM

    Naomi, I think that what you (eloquently) described happens to everyone. I read this article in the New Yorker about it, I am commenting because I thought it might make you feel better.

    http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2013/04/29/130429fa_fact_mcphee

  • Elle May 16th, 2013 10:01 PM

    Britney I really liked your entry. I feel the same way. Almost no one I know fits my criteria for a human being. I want everything I say to be meaningful so I say less than most people, but at the same time I don’t want people to think I’m stuck up or boring for not talking. I think that human interaction should be a perfect and beautiful vent for emotion. “Ask me why and I’ll spit in your eye” though, because it’s not possible.

  • barbroxursox May 17th, 2013 12:10 AM

    @Naomi, you are literally describing my life right now. I feel exactly the same every day… I have something really awesome to say, but I just cant find the word(s) for it, so I either sound like a fool trying to describe it or just don’t say anything at all. I wish I was more articulate. :/

    http://lizard-onawindowpane.tumblr.com

  • Valerie Violet May 17th, 2013 12:50 AM

    Britney, your post hit so close to home for me. It’s nice to know that someone out there feels the same way.

  • selinau May 18th, 2013 2:58 AM

    Caitlin your diary is so good!
    And Britney, to meet that person maybe you have to give people the chance you know? You need to let someone near and bild a trust between you and then that kind of silent understanding would be possible. Easier said than done though.. But i wish you all the best!

  • Peyton Lewis May 18th, 2013 3:58 PM

    Britney, I totally understand what you mean, I find myself feeling hollow at times; feeling like people just don’t realise that I feel like I am pretending to smile because it’s socially acceptable. But I do also only find myself talking to the people that make me “feel”, even if it does mean being slightly dissmissive to others