Dear Diary

May 1, 2013

The going gets tough.

Britney

1. Denial

I reread the message from Zoey’s* sister every day, trying to unscramble the words. I feel as if some sick joke has been played on me. In fact, every day since it happened, I wake up and hope that I’ll get a message saying that none of this was real, and that all of my tears were for nothing. I have never wished for something to be so untrue before. I still can’t think the words she’s dead and actually believe them. I won’t let myself, because I might really lose it if I do. I just want to cling to the thought that this will all sort itself out and we will be back talking to each other in French next week and laughing about life.

2. Anger

Why is she dead? Almost everyone that I’ve formed a close connection with—even if I don’t know them personally—is gone. People keep telling me that I couldn’t have done anything, and I know that they’re right, but a part of me refuses to believe it. Talking doesn’t help much either. One friend of mine noticed that I wasn’t myself today and asked about it, and I spilled everything as we walked from math class to homeroom, but that was the only truly natural conversation that I have had so far that didn’t make me either (a) tear up or (b) hate myself even more. The two most infuriating things that people have told me are “she’s in a better place now” and “she was so young.”

3. Bargaining

What if I had talked to her more in these past couple of weeks? What if I’d elaborated on the fact that I thought—and continue to think—that she was an amazing friend and person, and that she helped me through so much? WHAT IF?

4. Depression

I wake up thinking about it and go to sleep thinking about it. There is no escape. Any happiness that I feel is temporary. I feel lost all the time. I want to talk to people, but if I do, I feel sick—physically. At least when I’m alone I can cry freely or do whatever I feel like doing (which is usually more crying). The only person I would be completely content talking to right now is Zoey.

Everything that I usually love feels stale: every song lyric that I hear, every sentence of a book that I read. In fact, I stopped reading a book halfway through because one of the characters fenced, which was Zoey’s sport.

5. Acceptance

No.

I wish.

What do I wish? I feel like it’s time to move on, even though a small part of me wants to remain in the past. I want—no, need—to realize, for the sake of my own health, that there is no way that I could have stopped her. I can’t hold on to this for the rest of my life. I’ve been wearing my grief like a coat, too weighed down to go back to just being me, the person who likes to write and read and say stupid things to my friends.

I fear that “moving on” means forgetting Zoey. I fear that not moving on means forgetting everything else, especially myself. ♦

* This name has been changed.

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25 Comments

  • strawberryhair May 1st, 2013 7:12 PM

    Ruby and Britney <3

  • emseely May 1st, 2013 7:18 PM

    Totally get it ruby. I’m there. Have a better week, ok?

  • Naomi May 1st, 2013 7:28 PM

    oooooooh caitlin i love it!!!

    • Caitlin H. May 2nd, 2013 4:33 PM

      ~hidden symbolism~
      the orange balloon represents the one i blew up for you via skype celebrating your birthday!!!! <33333

  • freya2770 May 1st, 2013 7:37 PM

    ‘Take a moment to imagine the employees of White Castle forming chicken meat into rings (which is how I assume this goes down, but I don’t know), dropping those rings into a deep-fryer, then pulling them out and covering them with powder (as if we can’t just dip them in ranch dressing in accordance with the popular practice), and tell me you don’t feel bummed?’

    I can tell you I don’t feel bummed– for about the thousandth time I just feel SO STUPIDLY JEALOUS of people who live in the US and have access to this plethora of imaginative junk treats.

    Also feel like I could really go for some fried chicken rings right about now.

  • Kat Addams May 1st, 2013 7:45 PM

    Naomi has just explained so much of my life, it’s scary. Dream of the future or live in the present? Hope or a dull reality?

    • Lillypod May 2nd, 2013 12:11 PM

      Don’t be jealous. It’s edible sadness.

  • ColoredSoft May 1st, 2013 8:22 PM

    Britney, I think you have a right to mourn…I hope the very best for you.

    I’m in a library and trying not to cry.
    Sorry about the break up Ruby. I’m glad you, at least, don’t regret being with him

  • fallingstar May 1st, 2013 8:52 PM

    Katherine, I’ve been super stressed with finals too and deleting my facebook last weekend was the best decision I ever made. It makes you ridiculously more productive. And the procrastinating I do end up doing is looking at blogs and listening to music so its much more beneficial procrastination than just refreshing your newfeed x1000 times to see your friends doing things you can’t do with them because you have too much work to do. SO YES Katherine do it!

  • Tiger May 1st, 2013 9:22 PM

    Britney, I also think you definitely have a right to feel grief as long as you feel you need to. Everyone here on rookie is here for you and loves you.

  • allier May 1st, 2013 10:08 PM

    Caitlin! I just read Everything is Illuminated too! It was so strange and beautiful, I especially loved Brod’s story!

  • Blythe May 1st, 2013 10:16 PM

    Ruby–I totally know the feeling of “Well I picked a good dude for my first breakup.”

  • shinmachine May 1st, 2013 11:10 PM

    DD is now 1 of my fave sections in Rookie. i thought it’d be more interesting if hey made their entries handwritten by the writers,, though. (just a suggestion :))

    • shinmachine May 1st, 2013 11:11 PM

      *they.
      ugh.sorry. i just can’t ever say anything without a typo error *-*

  • Dylan May 2nd, 2013 1:17 AM

    Mannnnnn you guys

  • roosa May 2nd, 2013 7:52 AM

    ahh Naomi! I relate, so much. I feel like I’m living in a constant future, and it’s always been like that I guess. First it was, “when I get to high school, I will achieve the kind of life that i want to have”, then it was “oh well high school too is kind of sad and lonely, but when I get to university, well surely THEN I will achieve the kind of life that I want to have” and now my third year at the university is coming to its end and here I still am, as insecure and directionless as ever, basically feeling exactly like the 15-year-old me dreaming about high school and better days – with the exception that now I don’t really have any “next stage” to dream about, only a scary formless “adult future”. UGH. Oh well. But it’s okay to be incomplete, I guess life always is.

    For fellow drifters, a book recommendation: A Home at the End of the World by Michael Cunningham. Captures the feeling of not knowing where you belong so so perfectly, it’s like the most comforting thing, <3<3<3.

  • Myrea Alaia May 2nd, 2013 8:32 AM

    Aw Ruby <3

  • monalisa May 2nd, 2013 8:33 AM

    I relate to Naomi completely, and I am so sad reading Ruby’s I was hoping for it to be amazing for you. Stay awesome girls!

    apapillon.blogspot.com

  • eliselbv May 2nd, 2013 10:02 AM

    3 years ago I could have written what Ruby wrote. The exact same words, the exact same story. And today I’m dating the boy I broke up with three years ago again because “We’re both in better places, we can try again.”

    http://www.iloveyourjokes.blogspot.com
    http://www.iloveyourjokes.tumblr.com

  • Elizabete May 2nd, 2013 10:39 AM

    Chicken rings make me just as bummed as any kind of chicken meat, brr, it is really hard to believe that the ring was once a living being. But it is real world that shouldn’t be avoided. :)
    (I understand that animal rights weren’t the point of the dairy, it’s just that it is a rarely mentioned topic shut down by talking about human rights or lol proteinzz, but helping animals doesn’t mean neglecting humans!)

    Anyway, I admire all of the dairy writers, everyone is so talented!

    sorry about the offtopic comment, but i’m just incredibly lonely and will soon become the weird granny talking to bus drivers…
    http://melodyfairitale.wordpress.com

  • neenbean May 2nd, 2013 2:18 PM

    Naomi, you seem to do a lot of waiting. I’m 23 and I still go on swings, and you can too. Life is all about taking action, because nothing changes when you remain still. You already know that. While “getting prettier” sounds a bit dangerous to me (what does this mean to you?) you can and should keep reading and writing as you’re doing to become more intelligent and aware of the world. That is already a form of action. However, there is always more you can do to move towards a “best self” – and that self is one that is constantly evolving.

    Katherine, I love your writing style. You do a fantastic blend of hilarious and serious at the same time, kudos to you. Everything you do is visible socially now yeah, but maybe it might make you feel better that not many people care what you do and post online. It will be forgotten even if it doesn’t feel like it, and if not forgotten at least forgiven (hey, you were way younger, for crying out loud). I also feel like fried chicken on its own is kind of sad, so I’m not really surprised that fried chicken rings exist. It can’t be that hard to form when it’s barely chicken.

    • neenbean May 2nd, 2013 2:27 PM

      Ruby, you sound like an incredibly strong person. Most people are complete messes after first breakups. While maybe you aren’t displaying all of your emotions in your diary entry, you are really emotionally healthy and do seem independent enough to move on. Congrats on being awesome and powerful, lady.

      Britney, I am so sorry. You are not responsible at all for the hurt someone else feels. It’s a really terribly sad situation, but nothing you could have done would have prevented her from killing herself. Teens who are dealing with severe depression need serious counseling and the support of medical professionals, and it seems you were already a good, supportive friend to her. I won’t tell you she’s in a better place – I personally don’t believe in heaven. She’s gone though, and she doesn’t have to experience a life of pain anymore. Maybe you don’t want to hear it, but the depression will lift, as will the anger, and time does heal these wounds, and you should not feel guilty when that starts to happen (it might not feel like it ever will, but trust me, you’ll get there). She is gone now, but that doesn’t mean you should ever forget her, or forget the connection you had with her.

      Stay lovely, y’all.
      http://greybluedreams.blogspot.ca

  • chawi May 2nd, 2013 3:05 PM

    I definitely feel like deleting all social networking and living in the real world right now!
    http://sunshines-and-blue-skies.blogspot.co.uk/

  • pen2sword May 2nd, 2013 3:27 PM

    Naomi, beautiful writing, and my thoughts exactly. I recently turned 18 and have been feeling the same way; making goofy, pointless films with friends and wondering if I’m too old, plus dreaming about the future and especially the coming summer. Anyway… Off to read the rest of the entries now, just had to say that though.