Dear Diary

April 3, 2013

Spring can really hang you up.


I know saying “I can’t wait for summer” is stating the obvious. I’m like the person who climbs the stairs and says, “I guess this is my exercise for the day”—something I hear/gag at too many times each day as I climb the stairs in my dorm. But honestly, I can’t wait for summer. The only interesting thing that’s happening in my classes is that I suspect one of my professors has the horn for a student. Their interactions are providing me with what my class discussions and slow social life don’t currently offer me: something interesting. Otherwise, school is a total drag. Here are the main reasons why:

1. My speech professor recently told me that since so many of my speeches have revolved around RuPaul, I can’t mention him anymore during presentations. He wants me to branch out more in my topics AS IF RuPaul isn’t one of the most important humans ever!!! What’s this professor’s damage!?

2. All the cute boys here are SUPER Christ-y. I’ve been taking cues from Samantha Jones and flirting with everyone, and I’m discovering that all my top cuties are real evangelical, which is a problem because it means that we have incompatible beliefs and because I don’t approve of foisting religion on others. Upon asking one dude what he does for fun, he started talking about Campus Crusade for Christ and, after asking me whether or not I was a Christian, tried to convince me to consider faith as an option and to come to a Wednesday meeting. These boys like talking about their callings, but I feel like they’re the type of straight dudes who may grow up to say things like: “My wife is always right, hyuck hyuck hyuck. When she asks me if she looks fat in her jeans, I always say no, hyuck hyuck hyuck. Men aren’t worthy of women, hyuck hyuck hyuck.” But then they will be super bad at genuinely loving the women they say are omnipotent and omniscient. This spring and summer will not likely yield any cute, Satan-loving boys, but the fall might, provided I am admitted to one of my transfer schools. (Thinking about that makes me nearly poop my pants in fear, which will maybe repel all the preachy boys.)

3. This past week, after taking my first puff of weed, I had a minor breakdown. I was convinced that I had somehow burned my throat and would have to ingest food and liquid through a tube for the rest of my life. I cried, walked rapidly all around our yard and house (to cool my throat off with a gentle breeze), and generally met any of my brother’s attempts to help me with hostility. Fifteen minutes later, after accepting a glass of milk and a cigarette, I apologized profusely and tearily. This prompted him to tell me: “You’re like a virus that enters someone’s body and is like, ‘Hi, uhh, sorry for being here, but I’m about to make you sick.’” Which he followed by saying, “But it’s fine. There are cool viruses.” My insecurity levels are out of control, and I need to work on not apologizing for my existence to everyone I talk to. However, I can’t progress with my personality until I get out of a place that gives me perma-bitchface, and until I rid myself of my anxiety over transferring and the fact that I feel stupid every day for coming here in the first place. ALSO, in order to get better at interacting with humans, you have to interact with humans, and I’m not doing too much of that currently.

You know that feeling you get when you’re sort of expecting a text from someone and keep on looking at your phone while you wait? I’m going to be feeling that until I not only get out of school, but hear back from the ones I applied to, which should be in the middle of May. Where is Carrie Bradshaw when you need her to rub your belly and tell you everything will be all right? (Answer: Shopping! Women, am I right? hyuck hyuck hyuck) ♦


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  • MissKnowItAll April 3rd, 2013 7:09 PM

    Is Rubes okay?

    • Anaheed April 3rd, 2013 9:14 PM

      Yeah it’s my fault her diary is up late. It is there now though and it is a great one.

  • o-girl April 3rd, 2013 8:06 PM

    Britney! I understand how you feel, almost exactly! I don’t know if you used to be frightened by the idea of outer space, but when I was younger I was terrified by it. Everything was so big and I was so small and it was terrifying. Then I began to think about it and it became amazing. Everyone can do this big thing, but it’s only big for them. Only big for four billion people, but if you think about it all, maybe four billion people isn’t that much.

    UM, I’m kinda worried about the amazing Ruby, where has she gone?

  • Suzie Q April 3rd, 2013 8:08 PM

    @Katherine Satan-loving boys are the best <3 And as for Samantha Jones, she is my spirit animal

  • lydiamerida April 3rd, 2013 8:37 PM

    The RuPaul thing reminded me of the Princess Diaries (the books are actually really really good) when Mia’s new English teacher tells her that she needs to stop referencing pop culture in her writing, and Mia feels really oppressed because she wants to be a writer when she grows up and stuff.
    And I totally get the whole Christ-y boys dilemma. I go to a Catholic school (ugh) and it feels like literally all the boys are named either Gabriel or John. Especially the cute ones. *sigh*

  • abby111039 April 3rd, 2013 8:37 PM

    Britney’s post just described MY ENTIRE LIFE right now. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling lately, and I didn’t know how to put it in to words, but you pretty much did it for me. :P

  • Lucy April 3rd, 2013 8:40 PM

    I miss Ruby. Her diaries are always the best. I she going to be alright?

    • Anaheed April 3rd, 2013 9:02 PM

      She’s actually back this week. I’m adding her diary right now.

  • Eryn April 3rd, 2013 8:56 PM

    Britney I feel like maybe we are on the same wavelength about everything right now?

    I have also been thinking a lot about outer space lately. I have these stick-on stars/planets on the wall and ceiling above my bed, which both reminds me of my insignificance and makes me feel like I have my own private universe.

    I love everything you had to say <3 <3 <3 <3

  • caro nation April 3rd, 2013 9:33 PM

    Rubes, you are a writer. You are a fucking WRITER. You just get it. I hope we meet one day.

    • -alexandra- April 3rd, 2013 11:11 PM

      You are a writer, Ruby. It seems like it’s in your bones.

  • Tavi April 3rd, 2013 9:48 PM

    Love you so much, Ruby.

    • strawberryhair April 4th, 2013 10:29 AM

      Times a million from everyone <3

  • o-girl April 3rd, 2013 9:54 PM

    I don’t know what to say to you, Ruby. . . That piece was ridiculously good and you are a ridiculously good person. Thank you for helping me understand a little more. Also, thank god you have Zach, who is obviously the best.

    • o-girl April 3rd, 2013 9:55 PM

      As girl up there said, I hope we meet one day.

  • gr-ass April 3rd, 2013 9:58 PM

    love you ruby, you’re amazing and everyone on rookie will always care for you and support you-don’t forget that. love you and your diaries. xoxox

  • fox in the snow April 3rd, 2013 10:11 PM

    I was in a specialized hospital like yours for attempted suicide in January for about 3 and ½ days. similar rules, although I couldn’t wear a bra with a wire, and had to wear a sports bra instead*. The rules were a lot stricter and rigid. I spent the first day crying about wanting to go home. i barely saw my doctors, and never even met with my assigned social worker during my stay. Another doctor(not my assigned one) found me crying and at the middle of the second day and basically told me to fake being better so i could leave. i had 2 roommates, one in for homicidal threats and the other for hearing voices(she justified this as being a ghost in her home that her whole family heard). your hospital sounds a lot better than mine was. the whole place wasn’t insulated properly, and being january and chicago, the nights were freezing. My meals were always screwed up because I am a vegetarian. I wish you the best of luck in recovering from this. if rookie had a pen pals thing, i would totally send you a letter filled with rainbows and sparkles to take instead of having to take lots of medications for everything.
    feel better,

    *That was quite disastrous for a girl with the bra size 32 DDD (E).

  • Julia Marie April 3rd, 2013 10:22 PM

    Ruby: stay strong, stay brave and know that you are loved.

  • -alexandra- April 3rd, 2013 11:10 PM

    Ruby, your entry was one of the most powerful things I’ve ever read here on Rookie. Thank you for taking the time to create such a personal, well-written piece and share it with us. Although we don’t know each other, through your diaries I feel as if I know you, so I’m sending you love, always.

  • angusyoung4eva April 3rd, 2013 11:11 PM

    Katherine, I wish we could be friends, you sound so rad! And it’s okay, Satan-y boys are on the way, don’t worry! :D

  • Nomi April 3rd, 2013 11:19 PM

    I’m glad to see you’re feeling better Ruby! I was in a hospital for depression for a while and it wasnt fun.

  • Clare April 3rd, 2013 11:26 PM

    I love you Ruby. I hope things start getting a lot better for you. Like in the Simpsons, “Everything’s coming up Milhouse!”? Well I hope everything’s coming up Ruby.

    And Katherine, your diaries are so smart and funny, I smile every time. I hope you get into a new college, and I hope you enjoy it!

  • Hecticglow April 3rd, 2013 11:49 PM

    Ruby I am so glad you are back and on the way to getting better. Just know that all of us rookies care about you:)

  • rhymeswithorange April 4th, 2013 1:10 AM

    RUBY! You are so brave!
    And Katherine, I was waitlisted by not one but TWO colleges (my top choices, of course), so I’ll be waiting until May for college mail with you <3

  • Jasmine April 4th, 2013 3:22 AM


    Ruby: Beautiful writing, as always, and I really hope that you’re feeling better. Much love from all of us rookies ! xxxxxx

  • strawberryhair April 4th, 2013 4:36 AM

    Love you, Ruby. Hope you get better soon <3 xxxxxxxxxxx

  • Esme April 4th, 2013 5:57 AM

    ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

  • eremiomania April 4th, 2013 6:16 AM

    Ruby you are so amazing. I hope you’re happy. Your entry reminded me of It’s Kind of a Funny Story. But wow. I love you! For a while I thought there was a mix-up and your entry was fictional. I just think you’re so great, I wouldn’t have the courage to write something so personal. You’re amazing.

    • catpower44 April 4th, 2013 9:10 AM

      It reminded me of that too. I just finished that book. Ruby, I think you’re an amazing writer and I really hope you get better soon. Love from Canada. ♥ ♥ ♥

  • ivoire April 4th, 2013 7:50 AM

    I am happy and sad for you ruby. You are a really good writer and a strong person. I am glad you’re leaving hospital and everything. Love you,

  • Emma S. April 4th, 2013 8:41 AM

    Ruby, this is an incredible piece of writing, and you are an incredible girl. Sending you lots of love. xooxoxoxox

  • Annie at Cher Ami April 4th, 2013 2:09 PM

    Ruby your diary was the one of the best things ever, you write so well and with such poignancy (if there is such a word), and I give you lots of love and wishes from Britain!xxxxx

  • Charlotteeeee April 4th, 2013 4:08 PM

    Hey Ruby,
    I just wanted to say that A) being in the hospital sucks… it really, really, really sucks. I’ve been there twice in the past two years (anorexia and hearing voices), fun times. No but seriously you deserve to have a much happier, better teenagedom than the world/god/whatever/whoever(?) has given you. Also your diaries are so chillingly honest but still in a really weird way awesome (I guess because you have some real writin’ talent gurl) and I hope you will be doing better soon!!
    P.S. If you are in Childrens Hospital right now (I guesses that because of the way you described the rooms) when you get an on grounds pass totally go down to the basement because it is perfect and creepy and there are these little electronic buses which drive around…

  • babyybat April 4th, 2013 6:46 PM

    RUBY. I missed your diaries sooo much! I’m so glad your back!!

  • barbroxursox April 4th, 2013 8:30 PM

    Omg Katherine you are literally me (except a year older). I wish satan-loving boys went to my school :( Oh well, I’m leaving my school after this year, so hopefully things will change!

  • minnow April 5th, 2013 5:25 AM

    Ruby – that was so fantastic of you to write this experience, and to make it so moving. Thanks for being brave enough to share! xxx

    Also, Naomi, I really appreciate your entries at the moment. I’m constantly finding myself reflecting over everything right now, and always find myself thinking about a certain stupid boy (what a surprise), who I wish I could ignore and forget. I’ve often thought why him? considering all he’s done to me, and always come to your conclusion that there is no reason, it just is. It’s not something you can definitively ‘get over’ and sometimes remembering and nostalgia is like a punch in the gut. Looking forward is the right thing to do though!! xxx

  • Graciexx April 5th, 2013 5:34 PM

    My love (and probably all of Rookie’s too) to Mancala, Zach the Boyfriend (he sounds amazing, hope he’s really as great as he comes across as ’cause if he is you’ve got someone special girl) and especially you Ruby.

    You don’t owe anything to anyone other than yourself and no one can tell you want you want, because no one knows you better than yourself. Trust your heart, carry your head proudly and remember that whatever happens we will always love you.

  • yumi April 5th, 2013 7:51 PM

    All my love to you Ruby <3

  • cleobea April 6th, 2013 10:54 AM

    Ruby, Ruby. Your entry is so beautiful and moving and well-written. It’s nice to hear from you, I always love your entries. I hope you’re doing okay now.

  • karastarr32 April 8th, 2013 5:22 AM

    RUBES <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

  • tturnthenoiseon April 10th, 2013 1:19 PM

    Infinite chills from Ruby’s entry. So, so good <3
    Thank you