This is a fairly embarrassing entry to write, because I know that Zach the Boyfriend reads my Rookie diary. I don’t usually have a problem with that at all, but this one is kind of about him, and though we’ve talked about what will be the content of this entry, I’m worried that he thinks I’m writing about this as a passive-aggressive way to let him know I’m sadder or angrier than I let on with him. (Hi, Zach. I’m not sad or angry.)
He and I have never had a fight. We have nothing to fight about, and I think we both respect each other, and each other’s opinions, a lot. But something has changed recently and I don’t know what.
He hasn’t been talking to me much. He often doesn’t respond to my texts or pick up his phone, and we haven’t hung out one on one at all since I left the hospital.
I’m not criticizing him, and like I said I’m not mad. But I am worried. I’m worried for him and for us.
I asked a couple of my friends if he was mad at me or avoiding me on purpose, and they didn’t know. Eventually he told one of them that it’s really hard for him to talk to me right now, but he doesn’t know why. Not wanting to seem pushy, I texted him about it instead of bringing it up in person. He said he felt really nervous and didn’t know what to say to me. He said it was his problem and not mine.
The first time we hung out since I was released, we were with a group of friends and he avoided me for most of the night. He apologized afterwards, and seemed genuinely sorry.
I’m scared to call him or hug him or sit near him. I don’t want to push him away. I’m always worried about my clinginess driving away anyone I get emotionally attached to, and this time the fear is worse because it has a basis in reality. Zach and I haven’t known each other for more than a few months, but he immediately became a very important part of my life. He makes me happier than almost anyone, and calling him every day was the only way I got through my time in the hospital without going totally batshit.
I miss him, and it sucks. I write him a letter every day about how my life is, and how I feel about him and what’s going on with us. In these letters I ask all the questions I wish I could ask him directly. Then I throw them away.
I told him once that I cared about him more than I care about our relationship. I told him that I want him to be happy and that if I’m making him unhappy, we could break up, and that that would be OK. I meant all of that. We didn’t break up, and I was glad about that, but I also worried all that night that he was staying with me solely out of a feeling of obligation or guilt or something. In the letter I wrote today, I told him that if he wants to break up, I won’t pressure him to stay friends, and I won’t be upset at him, and we can tell people it was mutual.
I’ve never been so passive in my life. I’ve never cared about a non-family person more than this. I don’t know what’s come over me.
I want to know what it is that has made me so hard to talk to, and how I can fix it. I want to know what it means that I care so much about this person. I want him to know that he makes me happy by just existing, and that I miss him. ♦