Dear Diary

April 17, 2013

All anybody wants to do is connect.

Britney

Fridays are apparently destined to be horrible. It is raining again, a torrential downpour this time as opposed to last week’s mist. I’m sitting in science class, trying to avoid any thoughts about the test that I just finished—despite all of my studying, every inkling of information seemed to clear out of my head at the first sight of a topographic map, and I want to be anywhere but here. I want to be away from the loud laughter and whispers of my classmates. The presence of other people is deafening. The crashing of the rain against the windows matches the bleakness of my mood, which makes everything worse, because now I am completely and totally enveloped by this bleak atmosphere, and wish that there were a few stray beams of sunlight breaking through. Like Kurt sings in one of my favorite Nirvana songs, “Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle,” I miss the comfort in being sad. Usually I feel secure, as if my feelings have formed a net for me to fall back in, and I can be miserable without having to drop any further. Today, however, has an endlessness to it, without the safety that I typically enjoy. It’s as if I’ve found my way into an abyss that has formed at my core.

Everyone around me seems phony all of a sudden, like they’re playing a character. I can hear each stiff laugh. Everything said seems to be fed through a filter. Even the “What’s wrong?” of a close friend sitting next to me feels forced. “Nothing,” I say. She shrugs and walks away. It’s a lie, of course, but how can I answer when I don’t know why I feel this way?

Maybe I’m the problem. I’m always confused about everything, especially in moments like these when I can’t be bothered to actually feel any emotion towards anyone or anything around me. I’m the one pulling away from everyone else, and I don’t know why. I don’t try to smile, or talk, or write. I just…am. I don’t bother to live, I exist. Why do I have to feel so muddled all the time?

The period soon ends, and we are all free to go to our next class. As everyone else packs up their things slowly, so as to prolong whatever conversations they’re having, I shove everything into my backpack and walk hastily out of the room and into the hallway, maneuvering around other people until I reach my creative writing class. Usually it is a safe haven for me where the main focus for 45 minutes is my imagination, but today it is as daunting as everything else. As my classmates flood the room, I keep my head down, my hand moving slowly across the blank page of my notebook, hoping to ward off any potential banter.

Nothing that I’m writing is coherent. My thoughts have interrupted my ability to string together words into acceptable sentences that will help me finish the exercise that I usually have no problem doing. It is as if my hand, like everything else, has become disconnected from me. ♦

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26 Comments

  • GlitterKitty April 17th, 2013 7:48 PM

    Oooh they’re all so good this week. Naomi’s diary reminded me of the super close girly-ness of summer camp. You become so close and just together so fast it’s amazing.

    And what has happened to Ruby? I hope she’s alright…

  • Kaetlebugg April 17th, 2013 8:11 PM

    Britney – I think you are great (I think you are all great) and remember its OK to be sad. Obviously you’re wise and you know this, as you talk about how in the past you’ve found comfort in sadness; but just remember that. When I find myself in a similar funk I honestly find that doing absolutely nothing beyond taking a bath can be awesome. Nothingness can be great; literally just using a day to watch TV and be unproductive, if purposeful, can be, for me, like setting a restart button. Cause I find that when I’m in your state, I find myself doing nothing and I hate it, so I say, “Ok, I am going to do nothing purposefully!” and it can help. Sorry if this sounds inane or unhelpful, just know that you are great and this will pass.

    embarrassingurl.blogspot.com

  • Samantha April 17th, 2013 8:22 PM

    Naomi: Your writing is so lovely! I left a comment on your “A Mind of My Own” article. It sounds like we have a really similar story, and I’d love to chat about it.

    My blog: fearisadirtyword.blogspot.com (hasn’t been updated in a while, but I still check it frequently)

  • babyybat April 17th, 2013 8:30 PM

    I really miss your diaries Ruby! I hope you’re okay.

    • Anaheed April 17th, 2013 9:34 PM

      She’s back — just added late.

  • momobaby April 17th, 2013 8:33 PM

    Katherine, I felt the same connection to that series as you did. You wrote about it so eloquently, I can only add that Carrie is one of those characters and people that isn’t only someone to look up to but a friend and mentor. I love the new Carrie Diaries series, you should really look into it. Its amazing watching the character into the woman that led such a great show.

    http://littlerebellia.blogspot.com

  • laurelbird April 17th, 2013 8:49 PM

    Britney-you just described my exact feelings better than I ever have. I think I have cfs so I often feel like an outsider, and everone else seems so fake. I hope you feel better!

  • sungiant April 17th, 2013 8:51 PM

    UGGGH i need to fly to england to see the David Bowie exhibition I would cry a river

    • Caitlin H. April 18th, 2013 9:14 AM

      this very nearly happened (tears rolled at the Starman costume)

  • soviet_kitsch April 17th, 2013 9:11 PM

    oh katherine, your entry is so wonderful. it makes me feel less alone in finding such deep solace in tv. <3

  • Valerie Violet April 17th, 2013 10:20 PM

    Ruby the final paragraph of your entry brought me to tears. You can’t imagine how much you inspire me.

  • beetziebat April 17th, 2013 10:50 PM

    thank you Ruby – your entries are really helping me and I always look forward to reading them. I hope everything is a little better now and I really respect your bravery for writing about such a personal and emotional experience so beautifully
    Beth xxx

  • maira April 17th, 2013 10:50 PM

    God, Naomi, you write so beautifully! I always kind of nod along as I read your entries because you capture complex moods and events so, so well. I don’t know if you have ambitions to be a writer but I hope you never stop writing!

    • Naomi April 18th, 2013 5:38 AM

      i am planning on writing until the day i die!

  • elinoir April 17th, 2013 11:13 PM

    These are probably the best diary entries I’ve read on rookie. Love them all!

  • Abby April 17th, 2013 11:56 PM

    I love you all.

  • Lea April 18th, 2013 8:51 AM

    Bowieeee wow Caitlin I’m so jealous!

  • BabyCthulhu April 18th, 2013 9:17 AM

    I’m seeing that David Bowie exhibition on Monday, I’m SOOOO excited

  • Miss Pink April 18th, 2013 12:19 PM

    Thanks so much, girls, for sharing your diary entries! So beautiful. <3 My mom found my diary once…and learned about my boyfriend who was five years older than me. It was humiliating and she made me break up with him. :(

    http://mostlikelytowearpink.tumblr.com/

  • alex biscuit April 18th, 2013 12:24 PM

    My love to ruby! I remember what it was like in the hospital unit i was in and the real impact of it all, it’s a strange experience!! i hope you’re well and doing well in recovery :) x

  • Maddy April 18th, 2013 1:49 PM

    Ruby! :)

  • carolineyall April 18th, 2013 2:11 PM

    Katherine: I totally feel you on SATC. I sometimes feel silly admitting how much I love that show, but your posts about it help remind me why I fell in love with it – because of its portrayal of strong women and the wonderful bond the characters share. I love that it showed these women in powerful positions who were not trying to cut each other down or undermine each other’s successes, but rather support and comfort each other during the good times and the bad. Ahh, that show means a lot to me! Glad someone else gets it <3

  • Ella W April 18th, 2013 4:54 PM

    I went along to the V&A just last week, but unfortunately we didn’t get time to look at the Bowie exhibition :’( I loved the fashion exhibits though!

    http://gorillalegs.blogspot.co.uk/

  • stelliform April 19th, 2013 3:41 PM

    Britney, I was in your EXACT same position a couple of months ago. My depression hit me so hard that my boyfriend fell out of love with me because of it. You will feel better eventually. Keep your head up.

  • LittleTiny April 19th, 2013 4:24 PM

    Ruby,

    I see much of myself in your writing. I hope you are well. I do a partial care place for self harm and it has helped me tremendously. One year, one month and 3 days without. It’s amazing how so many people there are who are just regular everyday people but a chance meeting in a hospital shows that everyone has secrets and are looking for understanding and connections with people who understand the pain.

  • julalondon April 24th, 2013 3:55 PM

    OMG when i watched the last Episode of SATC i was devastated!!!!! I can totally feel you there, Katherine! =)