Dear Diary

April 17, 2013

All anybody wants to do is connect.

Katherine

I finished Sex and the City last week. I’d been watching it since December, and not to be melodramatic or anything, but no piece of pop culture has torn me apart emotionally and built me back up again like this show has. It just, like, affirmed my sense that people are decent sometimes, and that human interaction isn’t always about getting yelled at by a student for spilling jelly all over the PB&J station in the cafeteria the first time you emerge from your dorm for a non-class-related purpose in a week.

(Major SATC spoilers ahead!)

I wasn’t at college or in my bedroom at home when I watched the last episodes—I was with Carrie. I was in New York with her when she decided to give up her column and move to Paris, and I was in Paris as she slowly realized that her home was in New York with Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte. I cried when Samantha called Carrie a cunt at their last New York meal together, sobbed when Carrie lost her nameplate necklace that she had bought with her friends years ago, and nearly drowned in my tears when Magda kissed Miranda on the forehead after Miranda bathed Steve’s ailing mother and said: “What you did—that is love. You love.”

There are so many scenes from this show that will stay in my mind and heart forever. Like when Carrie finds out that Samantha has breast cancer and grabs her hand at Miranda’s wedding during the “in sickness and in health” part of the vows. Or when Carrie makes a tearful phone call requesting to meet someone we think is Big at “the usual spot” and instead it turns out to be Miranda, with whom she had recently fought. Or when Carrie strokes Charlotte’s hair because Charlotte is upset about not being able to have a baby, or when Carrie thinks about something, or when she holds some random object, because Sarah Jessica Parker holds objects—a bar of soap, a card, a pack of cigarettes—in a way that destroys me. She has a gorgeousness that goes beyond physical beauty.

Listen, I know it’s just a show. But before I saw the whole series, I was slowly losing interest in just about everything. I checked books out of the library and read 100 pages or less before returning them. I became bored during conversations with classmates. Food tasted like cardboard mid-chew. And I stopped writing things in my notebook every day. I don’t know if SATC has cured me of my funk, but it’s definitely halted its progress. Every time I don’t want to get out of bed to go to class or interact with humans, I can feel Carrie Bradshaw’s hands holding my face and her thumbs stroking my cheeks, and it feels more real than anything else. ♦

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26 Comments

  • GlitterKitty April 17th, 2013 7:48 PM

    Oooh they’re all so good this week. Naomi’s diary reminded me of the super close girly-ness of summer camp. You become so close and just together so fast it’s amazing.

    And what has happened to Ruby? I hope she’s alright…

  • Kaetlebugg April 17th, 2013 8:11 PM

    Britney – I think you are great (I think you are all great) and remember its OK to be sad. Obviously you’re wise and you know this, as you talk about how in the past you’ve found comfort in sadness; but just remember that. When I find myself in a similar funk I honestly find that doing absolutely nothing beyond taking a bath can be awesome. Nothingness can be great; literally just using a day to watch TV and be unproductive, if purposeful, can be, for me, like setting a restart button. Cause I find that when I’m in your state, I find myself doing nothing and I hate it, so I say, “Ok, I am going to do nothing purposefully!” and it can help. Sorry if this sounds inane or unhelpful, just know that you are great and this will pass.

    embarrassingurl.blogspot.com

  • Samantha April 17th, 2013 8:22 PM

    Naomi: Your writing is so lovely! I left a comment on your “A Mind of My Own” article. It sounds like we have a really similar story, and I’d love to chat about it.

    My blog: fearisadirtyword.blogspot.com (hasn’t been updated in a while, but I still check it frequently)

  • babyybat April 17th, 2013 8:30 PM

    I really miss your diaries Ruby! I hope you’re okay.

    • Anaheed April 17th, 2013 9:34 PM

      She’s back — just added late.

  • momobaby April 17th, 2013 8:33 PM

    Katherine, I felt the same connection to that series as you did. You wrote about it so eloquently, I can only add that Carrie is one of those characters and people that isn’t only someone to look up to but a friend and mentor. I love the new Carrie Diaries series, you should really look into it. Its amazing watching the character into the woman that led such a great show.

    http://littlerebellia.blogspot.com

  • laurelbird April 17th, 2013 8:49 PM

    Britney-you just described my exact feelings better than I ever have. I think I have cfs so I often feel like an outsider, and everone else seems so fake. I hope you feel better!

  • sungiant April 17th, 2013 8:51 PM

    UGGGH i need to fly to england to see the David Bowie exhibition I would cry a river

    • Caitlin H. April 18th, 2013 9:14 AM

      this very nearly happened (tears rolled at the Starman costume)

  • soviet_kitsch April 17th, 2013 9:11 PM

    oh katherine, your entry is so wonderful. it makes me feel less alone in finding such deep solace in tv. <3

  • Valerie Violet April 17th, 2013 10:20 PM

    Ruby the final paragraph of your entry brought me to tears. You can’t imagine how much you inspire me.

  • beetziebat April 17th, 2013 10:50 PM

    thank you Ruby – your entries are really helping me and I always look forward to reading them. I hope everything is a little better now and I really respect your bravery for writing about such a personal and emotional experience so beautifully
    Beth xxx

  • maira April 17th, 2013 10:50 PM

    God, Naomi, you write so beautifully! I always kind of nod along as I read your entries because you capture complex moods and events so, so well. I don’t know if you have ambitions to be a writer but I hope you never stop writing!

    • Naomi April 18th, 2013 5:38 AM

      i am planning on writing until the day i die!

  • elinoir April 17th, 2013 11:13 PM

    These are probably the best diary entries I’ve read on rookie. Love them all!

  • Abby April 17th, 2013 11:56 PM

    I love you all.

  • Lea April 18th, 2013 8:51 AM

    Bowieeee wow Caitlin I’m so jealous!

  • BabyCthulhu April 18th, 2013 9:17 AM

    I’m seeing that David Bowie exhibition on Monday, I’m SOOOO excited

  • Miss Pink April 18th, 2013 12:19 PM

    Thanks so much, girls, for sharing your diary entries! So beautiful. <3 My mom found my diary once…and learned about my boyfriend who was five years older than me. It was humiliating and she made me break up with him. :(

    http://mostlikelytowearpink.tumblr.com/

  • alex biscuit April 18th, 2013 12:24 PM

    My love to ruby! I remember what it was like in the hospital unit i was in and the real impact of it all, it’s a strange experience!! i hope you’re well and doing well in recovery :) x

  • Maddy April 18th, 2013 1:49 PM

    Ruby! :)

  • carolineyall April 18th, 2013 2:11 PM

    Katherine: I totally feel you on SATC. I sometimes feel silly admitting how much I love that show, but your posts about it help remind me why I fell in love with it – because of its portrayal of strong women and the wonderful bond the characters share. I love that it showed these women in powerful positions who were not trying to cut each other down or undermine each other’s successes, but rather support and comfort each other during the good times and the bad. Ahh, that show means a lot to me! Glad someone else gets it <3

  • Ella W April 18th, 2013 4:54 PM

    I went along to the V&A just last week, but unfortunately we didn’t get time to look at the Bowie exhibition :’( I loved the fashion exhibits though!

    http://gorillalegs.blogspot.co.uk/

  • stelliform April 19th, 2013 3:41 PM

    Britney, I was in your EXACT same position a couple of months ago. My depression hit me so hard that my boyfriend fell out of love with me because of it. You will feel better eventually. Keep your head up.

  • LittleTiny April 19th, 2013 4:24 PM

    Ruby,

    I see much of myself in your writing. I hope you are well. I do a partial care place for self harm and it has helped me tremendously. One year, one month and 3 days without. It’s amazing how so many people there are who are just regular everyday people but a chance meeting in a hospital shows that everyone has secrets and are looking for understanding and connections with people who understand the pain.

  • julalondon April 24th, 2013 3:55 PM

    OMG when i watched the last Episode of SATC i was devastated!!!!! I can totally feel you there, Katherine! =)