Dear Diary

April 17, 2013

All anybody wants to do is connect.

Naomi

On Tuesday, I ended up doing the kind of bonding that only happens on a night out with other girls—including some from my college, girls I used to be slightly intimidated by. I was only planning on going to the local pub for a couple of drinks, but ended up in a taxi on my way to the club at the heart of town. I had gone to the same one the week before, but that night was crappy—my energy and morale were at an all-time low, and it led to a small identity crisis. Tuesday night was exactly what I needed to rub out all those bad feelings.

I said hi to one girl I was reasonably friendly with when we bumped into each other in the toilets, and she persuaded me to carry on to the next destination. My usual group of friends had assumed I wasn’t going to the club and left without me, and I was looking forward to surprising them, as well as enjoying the sensation of being with a new group of people.

Once there, I danced, and comforted one girl over a boy, and just related to these people in a way I had never been able to before. They had always seemed far away and sort of untouchable, the kind of girls that are too cool to approach—I felt they were above me, I guess. But our booze-fueled socialising, and perhaps being together at night, when I suppose we are all a little vulnerable, allowed me to see things differently. It took witnessing them in this environment—getting embarrassed over boys, leaning on me when they were tired, dancing without a care, and all the things I had done myself the week before—for me to realise that these girls are fallible just like me or anybody else. It was wonderful.

My brother’s best friend’s little sister, whom I had just finally met, ended up sleeping over at our house. She was a particular object of fascination for me, because she doesn’t seem to have an ounce of shyness. She glides through life and you glide through with her, not questioning what she does because she’s so confident. So as she, my brother, and I attempted to come back to life the next morning, she strode into my room and straight under my duvet to chat, and it seemed like the most perfectly natural thing to happen. And when she got on the phone to talk to the girl I had comforted the night before, she handed it to me and I comforted her a little again, and we said we loved each other and it made me so entirely happy. I love it when life is like this. ♦

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26 Comments

  • GlitterKitty April 17th, 2013 7:48 PM

    Oooh they’re all so good this week. Naomi’s diary reminded me of the super close girly-ness of summer camp. You become so close and just together so fast it’s amazing.

    And what has happened to Ruby? I hope she’s alright…

  • Kaetlebugg April 17th, 2013 8:11 PM

    Britney – I think you are great (I think you are all great) and remember its OK to be sad. Obviously you’re wise and you know this, as you talk about how in the past you’ve found comfort in sadness; but just remember that. When I find myself in a similar funk I honestly find that doing absolutely nothing beyond taking a bath can be awesome. Nothingness can be great; literally just using a day to watch TV and be unproductive, if purposeful, can be, for me, like setting a restart button. Cause I find that when I’m in your state, I find myself doing nothing and I hate it, so I say, “Ok, I am going to do nothing purposefully!” and it can help. Sorry if this sounds inane or unhelpful, just know that you are great and this will pass.

    embarrassingurl.blogspot.com

  • Samantha April 17th, 2013 8:22 PM

    Naomi: Your writing is so lovely! I left a comment on your “A Mind of My Own” article. It sounds like we have a really similar story, and I’d love to chat about it.

    My blog: fearisadirtyword.blogspot.com (hasn’t been updated in a while, but I still check it frequently)

  • babyybat April 17th, 2013 8:30 PM

    I really miss your diaries Ruby! I hope you’re okay.

    • Anaheed April 17th, 2013 9:34 PM

      She’s back — just added late.

  • momobaby April 17th, 2013 8:33 PM

    Katherine, I felt the same connection to that series as you did. You wrote about it so eloquently, I can only add that Carrie is one of those characters and people that isn’t only someone to look up to but a friend and mentor. I love the new Carrie Diaries series, you should really look into it. Its amazing watching the character into the woman that led such a great show.

    http://littlerebellia.blogspot.com

  • laurelbird April 17th, 2013 8:49 PM

    Britney-you just described my exact feelings better than I ever have. I think I have cfs so I often feel like an outsider, and everone else seems so fake. I hope you feel better!

  • sungiant April 17th, 2013 8:51 PM

    UGGGH i need to fly to england to see the David Bowie exhibition I would cry a river

    • Caitlin H. April 18th, 2013 9:14 AM

      this very nearly happened (tears rolled at the Starman costume)

  • soviet_kitsch April 17th, 2013 9:11 PM

    oh katherine, your entry is so wonderful. it makes me feel less alone in finding such deep solace in tv. <3

  • Valerie Violet April 17th, 2013 10:20 PM

    Ruby the final paragraph of your entry brought me to tears. You can’t imagine how much you inspire me.

  • beetziebat April 17th, 2013 10:50 PM

    thank you Ruby – your entries are really helping me and I always look forward to reading them. I hope everything is a little better now and I really respect your bravery for writing about such a personal and emotional experience so beautifully
    Beth xxx

  • maira April 17th, 2013 10:50 PM

    God, Naomi, you write so beautifully! I always kind of nod along as I read your entries because you capture complex moods and events so, so well. I don’t know if you have ambitions to be a writer but I hope you never stop writing!

    • Naomi April 18th, 2013 5:38 AM

      i am planning on writing until the day i die!

  • elinoir April 17th, 2013 11:13 PM

    These are probably the best diary entries I’ve read on rookie. Love them all!

  • Abby April 17th, 2013 11:56 PM

    I love you all.

  • Lea April 18th, 2013 8:51 AM

    Bowieeee wow Caitlin I’m so jealous!

  • BabyCthulhu April 18th, 2013 9:17 AM

    I’m seeing that David Bowie exhibition on Monday, I’m SOOOO excited

  • Miss Pink April 18th, 2013 12:19 PM

    Thanks so much, girls, for sharing your diary entries! So beautiful. <3 My mom found my diary once…and learned about my boyfriend who was five years older than me. It was humiliating and she made me break up with him. :(

    http://mostlikelytowearpink.tumblr.com/

  • alex biscuit April 18th, 2013 12:24 PM

    My love to ruby! I remember what it was like in the hospital unit i was in and the real impact of it all, it’s a strange experience!! i hope you’re well and doing well in recovery :) x

  • Maddy April 18th, 2013 1:49 PM

    Ruby! :)

  • carolineyall April 18th, 2013 2:11 PM

    Katherine: I totally feel you on SATC. I sometimes feel silly admitting how much I love that show, but your posts about it help remind me why I fell in love with it – because of its portrayal of strong women and the wonderful bond the characters share. I love that it showed these women in powerful positions who were not trying to cut each other down or undermine each other’s successes, but rather support and comfort each other during the good times and the bad. Ahh, that show means a lot to me! Glad someone else gets it <3

  • Ella W April 18th, 2013 4:54 PM

    I went along to the V&A just last week, but unfortunately we didn’t get time to look at the Bowie exhibition :’( I loved the fashion exhibits though!

    http://gorillalegs.blogspot.co.uk/

  • stelliform April 19th, 2013 3:41 PM

    Britney, I was in your EXACT same position a couple of months ago. My depression hit me so hard that my boyfriend fell out of love with me because of it. You will feel better eventually. Keep your head up.

  • LittleTiny April 19th, 2013 4:24 PM

    Ruby,

    I see much of myself in your writing. I hope you are well. I do a partial care place for self harm and it has helped me tremendously. One year, one month and 3 days without. It’s amazing how so many people there are who are just regular everyday people but a chance meeting in a hospital shows that everyone has secrets and are looking for understanding and connections with people who understand the pain.

  • julalondon April 24th, 2013 3:55 PM

    OMG when i watched the last Episode of SATC i was devastated!!!!! I can totally feel you there, Katherine! =)