Dear Diary

March 6, 2013

Heavy shit, man.

Britney

This week I grappled with some heavy ideas. I read Persepolis 2 and discovered Jean-Paul Sartre, and ever since I have been throwing around a single question in my mind, receiving no clear answer: Why? Why do we exist, especially when our contributions to the world seem nonexistent at times? And why are there no definite answers to the questions that matter most?

Maybe I’m being absurd. Am I trying too hard to find meaning? That would be no surprise; I do it all the time. I hold on to trivial things for their small significance: a homemade paper ship that a friend once cracked a joke about and notes passed during class. If I collect silly material objects because they mean something to me, then why wouldn’t I treat life the same way? Of course I want to find meaning in everything.

But I always seem to make things so unnecessarily complex. Even ordinary interactions. If someone says something to me that I feel could be interpreted several different ways, I’ll spend hours worrying about what they really meant. Even the classic “I’m fine” will bother me, because I can’t figure out if the person is actually fine or really angry. I always have a nagging feeling that there must be something that I’m not seeing. I don’t know what to think anymore. ♦

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24 Comments

  • hiraari March 6th, 2013 7:29 PM

    Ruby, I’m so glad everything is okay!

    and Britney I totally understand you, I’m just the same as you.

  • litchick March 6th, 2013 7:31 PM

    “I live so much of my life in this house, and then one day I just won’t.” Naomi, I think that all of the time about my own house!
    For now, I’ll just enjoy the “soundtrack”. :)

  • purrr March 6th, 2013 7:39 PM

    re: ruby’s entry

    if monogamy wasn’t such a big thing and therefore jealousy and ownership over people in relationships, such a prank couldn’t EVER have happened.. it’s just silly how a ‘i’m in love with you’ could ever be anything BAD

    makes me think of ‘control’ and ian curtis with his ‘love will tear us apart’ drama and how easily it could have been avoided

  • Tavi March 6th, 2013 7:48 PM

    Britney, this kind of thing has been on my mind too! You phrased it all beautifully. The book Hazel reviewed in February, The Fault In Our Stars, has this idea that we’re all side-effects of the universe. I like this because I used to try and decide if the universe was like, INNATELY GOOD or INNATELY BAD, and now I feel like it’s just innately itself, which means we all have kind of a duty to help it be itself — full of good AND bad and everything else, full of range. So as people, we all have a duty to be ourselves, to create that range. And that’s kind of a nice thought.
    To be honest, I usually feel like it’s purely coincidental that we’re here, but I don’t think that makes being here any less of a privilege. So to do what you do, which is to notice things and look for meaning — that’s like, the highest honor you can bestow upon life. To notice it and appreciate it and move towards its complexity instead of shying away from it.

    • MissKnowItAll March 6th, 2013 8:02 PM

      I feel like the reason that we all exist and coexist is because without us, nothing would ever be the same. Yeah, I know it sounds very ridiculous, but just think about it. If you did not exist, everyone you’ve ever known would not be the same. All the places you’ve been to would not be the same. And there’s no way to decide if the world is good or bad( as mentioned by Tavi). It’s just there. Maybe the world is just a creation of a scientific reaction. Maybe it’s just like every single one of us. The world is there to serve it’s purpose and so are we. All our actions just compile into this one huge reaction. Who knows when that reaction will happen. It may happen after we die, or before. All the complexities make it difficult to even guess when. Sometimes, it really is better to just go with the flow.

  • iamrachii March 6th, 2013 7:54 PM

    Naomi, wow. My family moved house over the holidays (although I’ve been at Uni in my own flat for 2 and a half years I’m back home a lot) and I never really thought I missed the old house until I read your post. We built our current house so it’s brand new and therefore super quiet and it doesn’t have radiators with grooves and I don’t have to hang my clothes on them anymore because I have a wardrobe now and the floor doesn’t creak and the heating doesn’t make weird noises and I can’t hear people coming up and down the stairs and sometimes I don’t even hear them knocking on my door because I used to have a tiny room and now I have a giant room… it’s really weird how I never thought about this before and I’m glad you wrote about it even if it’s made me feel a little sad.

  • Eryn March 6th, 2013 7:59 PM

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAITLIN!!!! <3

    • Graciexx March 7th, 2013 5:34 AM

      virtual hugs and cupcakes for caitlin!!!

  • z33zy March 6th, 2013 8:06 PM

    I FEEL THIS SO HARD.

  • cleobea March 6th, 2013 10:55 PM

    Naomi that is so beautiful. I completely relate and understand, same story in my house. I love your writing, and I’ve loved watching in evolve and grow

  • Genevieve March 6th, 2013 11:00 PM

    Britney, maybe it’s because the questions that really matter only matter precisely because they have no definite answers. Think about it: math problems have answers. With enough time, tools, and money, all science issues have answers. But, “Why are we here?” That’s a good question and maybe it solves itself. Maybe the answer to that very question is to answer the question!

  • maddie123 March 6th, 2013 11:23 PM

    I absolutely loved Naomi’s writing. I’m moving out of my house that I have lived in for 14 years, the only house I’ve ever known, and it made me realize how strange it will be to relocate to this odd new home which I don’t know everything about, as I do in this house. Her writing is always fabulous, but this piece spoke to specifically. Really beautiful work! :)

  • Funky Monkey March 6th, 2013 11:27 PM

    I always wonder what people really mean. Wording can be so important, but not everyone thinks so; someone can say one thing and really mean another and they don’t understand your confusion because they don’t understand why the wording is important. I just wish people would be clear with me. I try getting a second opinion every now and then, I’ll say ‘so-and-so said this, do you think that they might have meant this?’ I’m usually told that I’m over analyzing. I’ll ask about several possabilities and I’m told that I’m asking the same question over and over, but it’s not true. Each possible answer is different because each answer is worded differently and thus means something different.

  • Leah G March 6th, 2013 11:46 PM

    Being sad isn’t stupid at all. If you’re not sad sometimes, then you’re out of touch. As many happy, wonderful things there are in the world, there are also also sad things, and the thought of losing a friend is a very valid one. Ruby, I hope that you don’t let anyone ever invalidate your emotions. You girls all rule.

  • Clare March 7th, 2013 12:07 AM

    Good for you Britney! If you liked Sartre, look into Simone de Beauvoir. You won’t be disappointed.

    • Britney March 9th, 2013 12:29 PM

      I read “The Second Sex” in February! She’s amazing.

  • Elle Green March 7th, 2013 12:25 AM

    Oh wow, Naomi, just exactly the kind of melancholia that I’m feeling at the moment about leaving home soon, thanks so much :)

  • taste test March 7th, 2013 12:59 AM

    Naomi, your writing is always so gorgeous. I especially like this entry, though. it makes me wish I was back home where the floor creaks and the radiator clangs and knocks instead of ticking and squealing (yeah, the clanging is louder, but I’m used to it).

    and Katherine- holy fuck, you toured my school! I might have seen your tour while I was walking to class or something. dude. maybe it’s just that I got three hours of sleep last night but that is insane. it’s cool that you’re looking at this school. it really is a good place, I’m just a chronic malcontent.

  • hami March 7th, 2013 4:13 PM

    ”Though their footsteps are muffled, I know whose feet are treading each stair, and in which direction they are heading. I can picture clearly the movements and motions that make those sounds.” I have exactly similar feelings. it can be funny but sometimes really annoying

  • Tara March 7th, 2013 11:56 PM

    Naomi-your diary entry is so beautifully written. there’s something about home-it’s comforting and it’s solid. I don’t know how to explain it. I relate a little bit to your piece.

    Britney-existentialism is fascinating, isn’t it? I can relate to this. I’ve viewed life through a strange sort of lens sometimes; it feels a bit unreal. How do you define existence indeed? Can’t things feel like we’re just dreaming?

  • selinau March 9th, 2013 6:28 PM

    Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to youuu, happy birthday dear Caitliiin, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOO YOUUU! I know this comes a little bit late, but who cares. I love your collage of your smiles :)

  • avery jackson March 12th, 2013 5:40 PM

    oh my gosh Ruby that definitely would have broken Will! He doesn’t take jokes all that well haha… But I’m glad everything worked out :)

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica June 18th, 2013 1:05 PM

    Normally I’d avoid commenting on an old diary entry but I had to say that Naomi, your entry was beautiful. It made me feel happy and sad at the same time in that bittersweet/nostalgic/homesick way and I got a little misty-eyed so just thank you for writing it. That is all.