Dear Diary

March 6, 2013

Heavy shit, man.

Katherine

Between 2002 and 2009, whenever I would get sick, I used to sing BBMak’s “Out of My Heart” and think of Leonardo DiCaprio in Catch Me If You Can until I felt better. The two are totally unrelated, but I always thought the song played in the credits of the movie, because the lyrics are like, “Catch me if you can / I’ve gotta make a getawaaayyy.” Anyway, I forgot all about this, but the reason I bring it up is that I had the WORST poop of my life in the Hampton Inn in Hadley, Massachusetts, tonight, and I started to sing that song to myself in order to feel better. It worked in 2009 and it worked now. WTF? LOL! LIFE!

Aside from the fact that my body hates me, everything is fine. I’m in Massachusetts! On college tours! And there’s snow! It’s mostly piled up on the sides of roads and gray from dirt, but every time I see those snow banks I want to give them hugs and never let go. When I left my dorm for the trip I, like, giggled with excitement in the elevator. My ability to make conversation with other humans is lower than ever, but I’m on the road with my dad and there is snow everywhere, so it’s all OK. Like many dads, mine likes to read billboards as we pass them, which makes me die with LOLs and hearts. Also, when I’m on trips with him, I discover the part of me that likes to explain all future plans in detail—tour times, distances between schools and hotels, the order of things we need to do—and then describe them again and again. So, in conclusion, Leonardo DiCaprio and Y2K pop hits are my medicine, snow is everywhere, and I’m visiting the college Charlotte York went to tomorrow. Here’s hoping the only other thing we have in common is miraculously shiny hair. ♦

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24 Comments

  • hiraari March 6th, 2013 7:29 PM

    Ruby, I’m so glad everything is okay!

    and Britney I totally understand you, I’m just the same as you.

  • litchick March 6th, 2013 7:31 PM

    “I live so much of my life in this house, and then one day I just won’t.” Naomi, I think that all of the time about my own house!
    For now, I’ll just enjoy the “soundtrack”. :)

  • purrr March 6th, 2013 7:39 PM

    re: ruby’s entry

    if monogamy wasn’t such a big thing and therefore jealousy and ownership over people in relationships, such a prank couldn’t EVER have happened.. it’s just silly how a ‘i’m in love with you’ could ever be anything BAD

    makes me think of ‘control’ and ian curtis with his ‘love will tear us apart’ drama and how easily it could have been avoided

  • Tavi March 6th, 2013 7:48 PM

    Britney, this kind of thing has been on my mind too! You phrased it all beautifully. The book Hazel reviewed in February, The Fault In Our Stars, has this idea that we’re all side-effects of the universe. I like this because I used to try and decide if the universe was like, INNATELY GOOD or INNATELY BAD, and now I feel like it’s just innately itself, which means we all have kind of a duty to help it be itself — full of good AND bad and everything else, full of range. So as people, we all have a duty to be ourselves, to create that range. And that’s kind of a nice thought.
    To be honest, I usually feel like it’s purely coincidental that we’re here, but I don’t think that makes being here any less of a privilege. So to do what you do, which is to notice things and look for meaning — that’s like, the highest honor you can bestow upon life. To notice it and appreciate it and move towards its complexity instead of shying away from it.

    • MissKnowItAll March 6th, 2013 8:02 PM

      I feel like the reason that we all exist and coexist is because without us, nothing would ever be the same. Yeah, I know it sounds very ridiculous, but just think about it. If you did not exist, everyone you’ve ever known would not be the same. All the places you’ve been to would not be the same. And there’s no way to decide if the world is good or bad( as mentioned by Tavi). It’s just there. Maybe the world is just a creation of a scientific reaction. Maybe it’s just like every single one of us. The world is there to serve it’s purpose and so are we. All our actions just compile into this one huge reaction. Who knows when that reaction will happen. It may happen after we die, or before. All the complexities make it difficult to even guess when. Sometimes, it really is better to just go with the flow.

  • iamrachii March 6th, 2013 7:54 PM

    Naomi, wow. My family moved house over the holidays (although I’ve been at Uni in my own flat for 2 and a half years I’m back home a lot) and I never really thought I missed the old house until I read your post. We built our current house so it’s brand new and therefore super quiet and it doesn’t have radiators with grooves and I don’t have to hang my clothes on them anymore because I have a wardrobe now and the floor doesn’t creak and the heating doesn’t make weird noises and I can’t hear people coming up and down the stairs and sometimes I don’t even hear them knocking on my door because I used to have a tiny room and now I have a giant room… it’s really weird how I never thought about this before and I’m glad you wrote about it even if it’s made me feel a little sad.

  • Eryn March 6th, 2013 7:59 PM

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAITLIN!!!! <3

    • Graciexx March 7th, 2013 5:34 AM

      virtual hugs and cupcakes for caitlin!!!

  • z33zy March 6th, 2013 8:06 PM

    I FEEL THIS SO HARD.

  • cleobea March 6th, 2013 10:55 PM

    Naomi that is so beautiful. I completely relate and understand, same story in my house. I love your writing, and I’ve loved watching in evolve and grow

  • Genevieve March 6th, 2013 11:00 PM

    Britney, maybe it’s because the questions that really matter only matter precisely because they have no definite answers. Think about it: math problems have answers. With enough time, tools, and money, all science issues have answers. But, “Why are we here?” That’s a good question and maybe it solves itself. Maybe the answer to that very question is to answer the question!

  • maddie123 March 6th, 2013 11:23 PM

    I absolutely loved Naomi’s writing. I’m moving out of my house that I have lived in for 14 years, the only house I’ve ever known, and it made me realize how strange it will be to relocate to this odd new home which I don’t know everything about, as I do in this house. Her writing is always fabulous, but this piece spoke to specifically. Really beautiful work! :)

  • Funky Monkey March 6th, 2013 11:27 PM

    I always wonder what people really mean. Wording can be so important, but not everyone thinks so; someone can say one thing and really mean another and they don’t understand your confusion because they don’t understand why the wording is important. I just wish people would be clear with me. I try getting a second opinion every now and then, I’ll say ‘so-and-so said this, do you think that they might have meant this?’ I’m usually told that I’m over analyzing. I’ll ask about several possabilities and I’m told that I’m asking the same question over and over, but it’s not true. Each possible answer is different because each answer is worded differently and thus means something different.

  • Leah G March 6th, 2013 11:46 PM

    Being sad isn’t stupid at all. If you’re not sad sometimes, then you’re out of touch. As many happy, wonderful things there are in the world, there are also also sad things, and the thought of losing a friend is a very valid one. Ruby, I hope that you don’t let anyone ever invalidate your emotions. You girls all rule.

  • Clare March 7th, 2013 12:07 AM

    Good for you Britney! If you liked Sartre, look into Simone de Beauvoir. You won’t be disappointed.

    • Britney March 9th, 2013 12:29 PM

      I read “The Second Sex” in February! She’s amazing.

  • Elle Green March 7th, 2013 12:25 AM

    Oh wow, Naomi, just exactly the kind of melancholia that I’m feeling at the moment about leaving home soon, thanks so much :)

  • taste test March 7th, 2013 12:59 AM

    Naomi, your writing is always so gorgeous. I especially like this entry, though. it makes me wish I was back home where the floor creaks and the radiator clangs and knocks instead of ticking and squealing (yeah, the clanging is louder, but I’m used to it).

    and Katherine- holy fuck, you toured my school! I might have seen your tour while I was walking to class or something. dude. maybe it’s just that I got three hours of sleep last night but that is insane. it’s cool that you’re looking at this school. it really is a good place, I’m just a chronic malcontent.

  • hami March 7th, 2013 4:13 PM

    ”Though their footsteps are muffled, I know whose feet are treading each stair, and in which direction they are heading. I can picture clearly the movements and motions that make those sounds.” I have exactly similar feelings. it can be funny but sometimes really annoying

  • Tara March 7th, 2013 11:56 PM

    Naomi-your diary entry is so beautifully written. there’s something about home-it’s comforting and it’s solid. I don’t know how to explain it. I relate a little bit to your piece.

    Britney-existentialism is fascinating, isn’t it? I can relate to this. I’ve viewed life through a strange sort of lens sometimes; it feels a bit unreal. How do you define existence indeed? Can’t things feel like we’re just dreaming?

  • selinau March 9th, 2013 6:28 PM

    Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to youuu, happy birthday dear Caitliiin, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOO YOUUU! I know this comes a little bit late, but who cares. I love your collage of your smiles :)

  • avery jackson March 12th, 2013 5:40 PM

    oh my gosh Ruby that definitely would have broken Will! He doesn’t take jokes all that well haha… But I’m glad everything worked out :)

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica June 18th, 2013 1:05 PM

    Normally I’d avoid commenting on an old diary entry but I had to say that Naomi, your entry was beautiful. It made me feel happy and sad at the same time in that bittersweet/nostalgic/homesick way and I got a little misty-eyed so just thank you for writing it. That is all.