Dear Diary

March 20, 2013

And here comes the deluge.

Naomi

I’m quite an emotional person, but I have trouble expressing myself. When my parents and I had a meeting with my tutor last month to discuss my work and my anxiety, she mentioned that maybe the reason teachers aren’t softer on me, even though they’re aware of my issues, is because I give off the impression that I’m fine all the time.

Sometimes when school is dragging me down, or I am just ridiculously tired, I wish I could find a private place and cry with a friend or two—cry, get it over with, and wipe up that emotion with a few tissues and a hug. But I am not a crier. I don’t let my feelings out; I internalise them. All those tears are trapped inside me, and trying to shed them would be like drawing blood from a stone.

If someone were to notice, they could perhaps decipher a little of what I’m feeling by the clothes I wear. Sometimes when I need a defense against the world, I wear all black. It’s tough, it doesn’t let any light in, and when I put it on, I am a fortress of nylon and lace; my delicate rings become knuckle-dusters.

This week I’ve played Rumours on my record player at least once a day. I am obsessed with the interpersonal dynamics in Fleetwood Mac. Imagine having to sing harmony on a song written about you by an ex-lover, like Stevie Nicks did? That takes humility. I want to be like the women in Stevie’s songs. They are mystical and they feel things, but they aren’t wimpy. Emotion doesn’t make them weak—it makes them wise. It’s the opposite of a pity party: exorcising demons with poetry instead of keeping them locked inside. Even in sadness, these women are strong. When love or life goes bad, they just wait for the rain to wash them clean.

Stevie said recently that in the heyday of the band, she and Christine McVie were in a male-dominated world, and thus they could not merely walk into a room. “We have to float in like goddesses,” she told Christine, “because that is how we want to be treated.” Those are words to live by. This spring, I want to channel Stevie circa the ’70s: her look and her attitude. I want to embody those songs. ♦

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38 Comments

  • kirsten March 20th, 2013 7:18 PM

    OH MAN KATHERINE I GET YOU. I GET YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

  • babyybat March 20th, 2013 7:20 PM

    CLAP CLAP CLAP

  • Nora Springer March 20th, 2013 7:42 PM

    OH MY GOD THIS IS ACTUALLY MY LIFE NOT EVEN KIDDING A LITTLE BIT.

  • Katherine March 20th, 2013 7:45 PM

    Hugs, Britney.

  • Anaheed March 20th, 2013 7:49 PM

    Ruby, as you know, “sassy and obnoxious” is one of my favorite types of teenage girl. You are welcome to blast your teen-angst music at my place anytime and sass me when I ask you to turn it down. xoxoxoxo x ∞

  • Amy Rose March 20th, 2013 7:52 PM

    Rubington, even when you’re hurting, you are the master of expressing yourself in a beautiful, resonant, true way and you should take a fierce pride in that, my heart. I LOVE YOU and all that you are.

  • Sharon March 20th, 2013 8:27 PM

    Kathrine, girl, I feel you. I feel that. Straight in my heart. I’m graduating next year but still. I. Feel. That.

  • Marian March 20th, 2013 8:28 PM

    Britney: I’m so sorry about Friday. The process is so miserable and I can TOTALLY empathize with not being happy with the school you were matched with. I hope things start to look up.
    Ruby: You are so eloquent and a genuinely talented writer. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so sad and I hope you can rediscover what happiness feels like as soon as possible xoxo

  • Mila Kate March 20th, 2013 8:29 PM

    Hi Ruby,
    your post really moved me. in fact it moved me so much that i decided to register and comment; and i NEVER register and comment.

    what you describe is exactly what i’m feeling, what i have been feeling for years… i’m not a teenager anymore (i’m in my 20s), so i feel like i should be over this. the crazy feelings, the wanting to go completely out of control, the desire to destroy, the weird certanty inside that i am completly alone in the world (not literally of course) and all the rest of it.
    but i’m not over it. i feel it every day. and some days i don’t know how i’m supposed to go on. i just can’t figure out how anybody keeps going on.
    i’ve been through some rough things, but there are people who have been through far worse, so i think i should not be complaining, count my blessings.. but that does not help. it is like you said: someone sitting on my shoulder and dragging me down.
    i give up ten times a day. and then i make up some bright future that is never going to happen. and then i give up again.

  • mayafairy March 20th, 2013 8:37 PM

    Hey Britney, I know EXACTLY how you’re feeling. I’m a freshman in high school right now and last year I applied to a few boarding schools on the East Coast. I spent a large part of the year on these applications, so you can imagine how I felt when, come March, I received three rejection letters. Where I live, applying to high schools isn’t really a thing, so I ended up going to my local public high school. And let me tell you, I do not regret it at all. Although, it’s nowhere near as prestigious or whatever as these other schools, I’m having an amazing time and I’m sure you will too, wherever you’re at!

  • AlexaS March 20th, 2013 9:00 PM

    Ruby– I literally could not identify more with your post right now. It articulates perfectly what I’ve been wishing I could scream for weeks. Thank you <3 and I hope it gets better.

  • beetziebat March 20th, 2013 9:03 PM

    ruby i really get what you’re feeling, like you just described my week. and i know right now it seems like there is no hope and there’s nothing good for you, but you have no way of knowing that and judging by your amazing writing style and creativity, good things are coming for you. this might all seem meaningless to you at the moment, but i hope that you feel ok soon xxx

  • MissKnowItAll March 20th, 2013 9:04 PM

    Ruby- Guurl. We’re all sassy and Obnoxious and I love you for werking it
    Britney- Awww hun. C’mere
    I was dissapointed too when I got my soecialized high school results. But what happenes, happens for a reason. Love you hun

  • Danielle March 20th, 2013 9:26 PM

    Britney, you are handling this like a champion.

  • dottie March 20th, 2013 9:27 PM

    Ruby – I completely get you. This is how I feel SO MUCH of the time. I hope that it gets better for you. :)

  • rhymeswithorange March 20th, 2013 9:41 PM

    aw sorry britney, but I promise you will have a great time in high school! Go in with an open mind and enjoy the ride :)

  • whatnaomiloves March 20th, 2013 10:00 PM

    AMEN.
    And SAME.

  • anna bradford March 20th, 2013 10:32 PM

    britney, i know you must hear this often, but high school ends. it doesn’t seem like it ever will, but it does. and sometimes college isn’t that great, i went to my number 1 school and didn’t even make it a full year. but life was out there, and it happened, and it was incredible. i regret none of it, even though life sucked sometimes (alot of the time. 14-19 was never ending suckiness, i’d say)
    but no matter what happens, it’ll be great, or it won’t but it will end. life is incredible, don’t be scared.

  • Tavi March 20th, 2013 10:34 PM

    RUBY. What ARS said, basically. It’s a fucking gift that we get to peek inside your brain on a weekly basis. Love you.

  • Skatapus March 20th, 2013 10:35 PM

    Katherine- “I want to toss my virginity like a salad: quickly, casually, tastefully” made me literally laugh out loud. Thank you for gifting us with such a brilliant simile (which I intend to borrow for the next time that I feel like talking about my opinions on sex).

  • alex stoller March 20th, 2013 10:38 PM

    god, i wish i had this when i was in high school. rookie, you made me cry. teenage years were shitty years, and i empathize with all of you. but knowing someone was out there? that would have made all the difference.
    you guys are making all the difference in so many lives, i hope you know that. xo

  • book_kitty March 21st, 2013 12:01 AM

    Britney: I dealt with a similar experience last year, when I didn’t get into the high school I wanted (it was a school of about 150 with lots of opportunity for close friendships and also offered academic enrichment). I was really sad at first, because it meant I would be going to a school of over 1000 students with little personal attention. I’m 2/3 of the way through my first year at this school and guess what? Its not that bad. I love theatre, and the large size meant that there were plenty of opportunities to explore this. Most of my teachers are nice and I am excited about the increasingly numerous choices in course selection. My point, basically, is that every school has its advantages and disanvatges, and it wont be as bad as you think. :)

  • missblack March 21st, 2013 12:13 AM

    KATHERINE HOW IS IT THAT YOU ARE SO EXACTLY LIKE ME?? Totally stealing that line “I want to toss my virginity like a salad ” from you, btw.

    Little&Trivial

  • unicornconnect March 21st, 2013 4:17 AM

    Britney: people seem bland in high school, most of them are indeed, so very beige. But when you find someone who is cool and gets when you’re being funny it is so perfect. Like a sparkly cat in the middle of a boring suburban shopping centre.

    just wait for the sparkles Britney!!! THEY ARE COMING!!!!!!!!!

    also, who needs a school with more sports. Sports blllllllaaaaaahhhhh. High school is a sport, the end.

  • bawlingbrother March 21st, 2013 4:23 AM

    ruby, even 21 year old boys with stinky feet feel the same way. the world is gross, but look at things u love- or eat a donut like i did this morning to convince myself that the world was OK. happiness doesn’t always feel real but donuts are real. so. real.

  • stelliform March 21st, 2013 11:03 AM

    Naomi – I love the album Rumors, too. I listen to it all the time. What you said about it is so true!

    Britney – High school is ten times better than middle school. You’re so great, I’m sure you’ll acquire countless new companions. Keep your chin up!

  • Marguerite March 21st, 2013 11:08 AM

    Ruby!!!

    You literally made me cry! I love you so much, and hope you get better, you are such a beautiful person and such an inspiration, so please realise what an amazing person you are. You will get out, it might take a while, but you cannot give up.

  • MabelEnchanted March 21st, 2013 12:30 PM

    I have a mix of Katherine’s and Britney’s feelings at the moment…

    http://mabelsmind.blogspot.co.uk/

  • strawberryhair March 21st, 2013 1:13 PM

    Ruby, I just want to say that you’re the bestest and all of us Rookies love you so much xxxxxxxxxxx

  • MikaylaT March 21st, 2013 3:58 PM

    Oh god Katherine, we’re on the same wavelength.

  • IndigoJo March 21st, 2013 4:06 PM

    Naomi- I totally dress differently depending on my mood! My every day clothes at the moment tend to just be jeans and hoodie combos but when I feel upset or angry I revert back to my 14 year old goth self.

  • karastarr32 March 21st, 2013 4:51 PM

    Ruby, you just described how I feel all of the time so much better than I can. Hugs and cookies. Xoxoxo

  • jedarq93 March 21st, 2013 6:46 PM

    oh, Ruby, have been reading (and enjoying) Wednesday’s diaries for a long time, and now i feel the urge to say that I feel you :c. I wouldn’t say those feelings are the worse ’cause sometimes to avoid the anxiety I tell myself it’s all about relativeness. Maybe happiness is overrated, maybe happiness for you is different, somehow you’ll find it out, just trust, you’ve got plenty of time, although it’s also a relative shit. million hugs, cool vibes!

  • leslieelise March 21st, 2013 8:05 PM

    Britney, don’t worry about it! When I started high school, I was the only from my middle school there and it was terrible! I thought everyone was the same: phony and dull (I was basically Holden Caufield). But by graduation (and way before then, too) I had an amazing group of friends, and I consider my class of 30 girls to be my sisters.
    Don’t worry about them seeming boring or vanilla, either. When I started college, my roommate was a total rando from across the country who I didn’t meet until move-in. I thought she was the dullest person I would ever meet, before I met her. Now, we’re best friends and are planning to live together next year and maybe even get a house together after that!
    Keep and open mind, and I promise it’ll all work out!

  • pinnedtothepage March 22nd, 2013 3:01 PM

    miss ruby, you have a flair of the theatrical about you, seemingly even in your private moments of wild abandon. i am happy to say that, now in my mid-20s, i still behave very much like that when i am alone, and, you know, it’s one of the great joys in life. you can have so much fun being crazy when alone! these are moments of great freedom. we have to be in and adapt ourselves to so many different situations in a day, it’s awesome that you have moments when you truly say fuck it to all that and everyone and just do what you feel like doing without judgement of yourself. i feel like i (and maybe you too) go through this rotation of being enamored with each side of myself and then rolling my eyes at it, a waltz with all my selves as partners, and i think it is good to care for and nourish each one, even if they’re all a little objectionable in ways.

  • Sherry Lim March 23rd, 2013 12:44 AM

    Britney, I also felt like that kind of emotion. The school you go to would be also good and there will be many nice people! As time goes by, you will have already been the person the school you get into wants, so cheer up!! <3

  • eremiomania March 23rd, 2013 2:12 AM

    Ruby, ai’m going to give you advice which a lot of people might disagree with. Ignore everything that you don’t like. Just eliminate it if you can and if you can’t, just ignore it. Also, become materialistic. Or spiritual. Or whatever you want. Just focus on something. I’m materialistic. I focus on how happy my bed sheets make me or how my mugs represent my moods or whatever. Some people might say it’s ignorance, but as long as you’re happy.

  • Nomi March 24th, 2013 7:48 PM

    Britney, I didn’t get into the school I wanted either when I was in eighth grade, and it sucked so much. But I’m actually really happy at my school now, and I know now that I wouldn’t have been as happy at the school I wanted to go to. Just remember that everything happens for a reason.