Dear Diary

March 13, 2013

This has been a test.


I recently got a series of long and eloquent letters from a girl at my summer camp. I never talked to her much: she was younger than me, and we never did the same activities.

But it turns out she noticed me, which is strange. I wasn’t very interesting, and I am not that good at talking to people in general. And this summer was rough. It was a couple months after my mom died. I had just left a school I hated and had no real friends. I had discovered a self-destructive part of myself, and all sorts of bad things came with that: hours spent staring into space, self-harm, not doing my homework.

I kind of envied the other girls. Though I was sure they weren’t, their lives seemed perfect, including Letter Writer’s. She was quiet and sweet and seemingly carefree. I knew she was very smart and taking honors classes, even though she was in middle school. I respect intelligence, and I respect achievement more. I envied her—she didn’t have whatever kept me from being successful.

Her letters made me realize that she’s a real person, not a reflection of who I want to be. And she looked up to me. That was the crazy part. I would kill to be “the smart one,” to do well, to be assured of a great future. I have felt helpless and pathetic for so infinitely long that the idea of anyone modeling any part of themselves after me is mind-blowing.

It gave me more hope than she ever could have imagined. I’ve never been a big fan of hope in general—anything fueled by optimism can’t be productive, I thought, and still kinda do—but I felt empowered by her letter. Seeing someone whom I thought of as perfect show respect for the very flawed and unsuccessful me made me think that maybe I can get through this part of my life. I am in a very dark place right now, but she made me believe that if someone else can believe in me, maybe I can, too.

I know you read this. Thank you. ♦


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  • Britney March 13th, 2013 7:15 PM

    Our diaries are in sync so much some times, and it’s both cool yet scary.

  • GlitterKitty March 13th, 2013 7:16 PM

    “I can’t pin anything down without half-lying or otherwise getting flustered.” is the definition of my life. Thank you Katherine for putting that feeling into words.

  • sloththefifth March 13th, 2013 8:37 PM

    “either I don’t know, or I do and its complicated.”

    I felt that line deep in my soul. Thank you.

  • Eryn March 13th, 2013 9:00 PM

    Ahhh I love all of you guys so much <3 <3 You all rock.

  • 9ql March 13th, 2013 9:01 PM

    Britney–leaving middle school doesn’t necessarily mean losing your friends! I’m not saying that you are guaranteed to stay close everyone, but I have found that while I no longer really connect with most people from my middle school, my best friends from then are still some of my best friends now, in my first year of college. It can be hard to keep in touch with acquaintances, but when you really connect with someone that connection can stay strong even if you no longer see them every day.

  • double-fantasy March 13th, 2013 10:38 PM

    britney, i am in your same situation :+(

  • Mimi7 March 13th, 2013 10:39 PM

    I know how you feel Britney. I started high school this year and didn’t go to the same school as my friends. It was harder at first and I still really miss them, but I’ve gotten to have different places and things that make me happy.

  • Gaby March 14th, 2013 4:04 AM

    “I am not sure why getting an A in English is so important to me. Perhaps it’s because English is “my thing.” It’s the one subject I WANT to excel at in every possible way.”

    That’s exactly how I felt when I failed my first English exam. I cried over it, but the pressure was definitely worth it– I got one of the highest scores in class on my next test.

    • AlexaS March 20th, 2013 9:05 PM

      naomi- that quote is the story of my life sometimes (at least, the story of my whole freaking school day.) thanks for this <3

  • unicornconnect March 14th, 2013 4:55 AM

    Naomi: in English I am so used to being kind of worshipped and this year my English teacher doesn’t like how I write. Gahhhhh it makes me so angry, she’s like Regina George the more I dislike her the more I want to impress her.

    Britney: in Australia high school works differently, but just saying me and my best friend are even closer even though we go to different High schools. It will suck sometimes but you will make friends and bad teachers are fun to complain about/ make up limericks about/ impersonate/ draw pictures of.

  • Narita March 14th, 2013 10:56 AM

    Oh Ruby, how I love this! I’ve heard of people looking up to me as well, which is the craziest thing in my opinion- Partially because I can’t help but quote the Lights song in this one: “How can you love me when I am ugly?” And stupid, and weird, and not a nice person overall, and what-not. And when someone I look up to/envy tells me that they have the same with me, it leaves me both in astonishment and a sense of hope, of whom I’m not a big fan either.

    Reading this made me feel less alone, so thank you, kind soul. Also, I did not know of your self-harm, but I’m sorry you’ve felt the need to get it out this way. If you want to, just know I’m here to talk; you’ve got my Facebook.

  • theaaaa March 14th, 2013 2:49 PM

    Ohh my god Naomi I am literally in exactly the same situation as you like word for word! I retook a C and got an A too and english is like my ‘thing’ as well and it snowed loads when I did the exam! Gaah can’t even get over what a coincidence that is!

  • eremiomania March 14th, 2013 8:29 PM

    Britney, my absolute best friend changed schools in 5th grade. We were together every single day and we wouldn’t go anywhere without each other. People thought we were twins because spent so much time together. I was so sad and I begged my mom to let me change, too. But now, I think the separation is what has kept us close. It’s the anticipation and excitement we get each time we get to see each other that makes it so great.

  • George The Mammoth March 16th, 2013 4:38 PM

    Dudette, I know exactly what you feel like. I have to change schools and although my new school has a better education program, I don’t have any friends there. This year I got billions of new friends and we all have little inside jokes we’ll refer through out the week. We all pester each other about crushes and talk about the new books we’re reading. I don’t want to leave them and we’re just trying to soak up the last drops of the time we have left with each other.

  • pinnedtothepage March 18th, 2013 12:02 AM

    congratulations, naomi!

  • Mia Bergmann March 27th, 2013 4:04 PM

    This song “Until It’s Gone” might help with this subject. It got me through 8th grade <3

    Check it out on here: