Dear Diary

March 13, 2013

This has been a test.

Katherine

I was in upstate New York visiting schools and my brother this past weekend. The snowy landscape made me feel almost less solid, physically, yet my thoughts got heavier, like damp soil on an aging grave. So, in other words, I was still a mess.

Thursday night I went to dinner with my brother and his friend. When we got into the car, I felt like a joey crawling into a kangaroo’s pouch. Once I was snug, they hopped me away. They talked about how most of the kids at their college were probably on the social fringes in high school. That, along with the fact that his friend smelled like sugar cookies, comforted me.

Friday morning I was alone in my brother’s dorm room with his roommate. I tried to reread East of Eden for school but couldn’t focus on the words that well. My eyes were moving over the page, but mostly I just looked out the window at the students and the snow. The roommate asked me what I was reading and I told him, and added that I hated it, except for the character named Cathy. Later, though, we were out getting dinner, and my brother was like, “You loved that book.” And I was like, “I don’t know. Sort of. Maybe not.” Maybe I liked it when I was 15, but maybe I just thought I liked it, and now I don’t know how I feel. All I know is that I like Cathy—the sweet-looking blonde who is really pure evil—but I remember very little else. Maybe I feel two ways and I didn’t lie to the roommate at all.

That night, my brother held me for a long time. I was thinking about how I know what I know. So much of the information I have is misremembered fragments; so much of it will never connect. I want to see how one thing leads to another, but I usually can’t. It makes my throat feel tight.

The next day, at the airport, this security guard was asking people on the security line random questions. “WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?!?” he yelled. I felt my mouth open. “Uhhhhh. Weeeelllllll…I think…ugh…I don’t know, maybe…no. NO!” Even after I shouted at him, he kept on prompting me to tell him. I just stuttered until what was coming out of my mouth was incomprehensible. I walked away fuming. I can’t pin anything down without half-lying or otherwise getting flustered. I honestly don’t know what my favorite ice cream flavor is, and I don’t really care. I’m sick of having to say what I do or don’t like, because either I don’t know, or I do know and it’s complicated. ♦

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18 Comments

  • Britney March 13th, 2013 7:15 PM

    Our diaries are in sync so much some times, and it’s both cool yet scary.

  • GlitterKitty March 13th, 2013 7:16 PM

    “I can’t pin anything down without half-lying or otherwise getting flustered.” is the definition of my life. Thank you Katherine for putting that feeling into words.

  • sloththefifth March 13th, 2013 8:37 PM

    “either I don’t know, or I do and its complicated.”

    I felt that line deep in my soul. Thank you.

  • Eryn March 13th, 2013 9:00 PM

    Ahhh I love all of you guys so much <3 <3 You all rock.

    http://fashionfledge.blogspot.ca/

  • 9ql March 13th, 2013 9:01 PM

    Britney–leaving middle school doesn’t necessarily mean losing your friends! I’m not saying that you are guaranteed to stay close everyone, but I have found that while I no longer really connect with most people from my middle school, my best friends from then are still some of my best friends now, in my first year of college. It can be hard to keep in touch with acquaintances, but when you really connect with someone that connection can stay strong even if you no longer see them every day.

  • double-fantasy March 13th, 2013 10:38 PM

    britney, i am in your same situation :+(

  • Mimi7 March 13th, 2013 10:39 PM

    I know how you feel Britney. I started high school this year and didn’t go to the same school as my friends. It was harder at first and I still really miss them, but I’ve gotten to have different places and things that make me happy.

  • Gaby March 14th, 2013 4:04 AM

    “I am not sure why getting an A in English is so important to me. Perhaps it’s because English is “my thing.” It’s the one subject I WANT to excel at in every possible way.”

    That’s exactly how I felt when I failed my first English exam. I cried over it, but the pressure was definitely worth it– I got one of the highest scores in class on my next test.

    • AlexaS March 20th, 2013 9:05 PM

      naomi- that quote is the story of my life sometimes (at least, the story of my whole freaking school day.) thanks for this <3

  • unicornconnect March 14th, 2013 4:55 AM

    Naomi: in English I am so used to being kind of worshipped and this year my English teacher doesn’t like how I write. Gahhhhh it makes me so angry, she’s like Regina George the more I dislike her the more I want to impress her.

    Britney: in Australia high school works differently, but just saying me and my best friend are even closer even though we go to different High schools. It will suck sometimes but you will make friends and bad teachers are fun to complain about/ make up limericks about/ impersonate/ draw pictures of.

  • Narita March 14th, 2013 10:56 AM

    Oh Ruby, how I love this! I’ve heard of people looking up to me as well, which is the craziest thing in my opinion- Partially because I can’t help but quote the Lights song in this one: “How can you love me when I am ugly?” And stupid, and weird, and not a nice person overall, and what-not. And when someone I look up to/envy tells me that they have the same with me, it leaves me both in astonishment and a sense of hope, of whom I’m not a big fan either.

    Reading this made me feel less alone, so thank you, kind soul. Also, I did not know of your self-harm, but I’m sorry you’ve felt the need to get it out this way. If you want to, just know I’m here to talk; you’ve got my Facebook.

  • theaaaa March 14th, 2013 2:49 PM

    Ohh my god Naomi I am literally in exactly the same situation as you like word for word! I retook a C and got an A too and english is like my ‘thing’ as well and it snowed loads when I did the exam! Gaah can’t even get over what a coincidence that is!

  • eremiomania March 14th, 2013 8:29 PM

    Britney, my absolute best friend changed schools in 5th grade. We were together every single day and we wouldn’t go anywhere without each other. People thought we were twins because spent so much time together. I was so sad and I begged my mom to let me change, too. But now, I think the separation is what has kept us close. It’s the anticipation and excitement we get each time we get to see each other that makes it so great.

  • George The Mammoth March 16th, 2013 4:38 PM

    Dudette, I know exactly what you feel like. I have to change schools and although my new school has a better education program, I don’t have any friends there. This year I got billions of new friends and we all have little inside jokes we’ll refer through out the week. We all pester each other about crushes and talk about the new books we’re reading. I don’t want to leave them and we’re just trying to soak up the last drops of the time we have left with each other.

  • pinnedtothepage March 18th, 2013 12:02 AM

    congratulations, naomi!

  • Mia Bergmann March 27th, 2013 4:04 PM

    This song “Until It’s Gone” might help with this subject. It got me through 8th grade <3

    Check it out on here: http://miabergmann.com