Dear Diary

March 13, 2013

This has been a test.


One very snowy morning last January, I trudged through a descending blizzard to retake an English exam that hadn’t gone so well the first time. School was closed for everything but the test-taking, and because of the weather, the brown-wood gym felt cozy and empty at the same time. Despite the cold and some slight nervousness, I remember being really happy. Exams aren’t so bad when they are final: at least everything you need to do is right in front of you on a square table you have all to yourself.

This week I walked over there (through the rain this time) to pick up my results and found I had turned my C into an A. Not only that, but I was one mark off total perfection. I’d known I had it in me, but this was the first time I’d seen it in black and white. I almost didn’t believe it at first. Then I was an overcome with the most soothing feeling of satisfaction.

I never beat myself up about that C, but we were never friends. I didn’t mention my disappointment, because I was just glad I took the exam in the first place, and there was nothing I could do to change it until I decided to re-sit it, but I knew it wasn’t right and it wasn’t a reflection of my actual ability.

Now this was just one exam, but it has propelled me forward. I am not sure why getting an A in English is so important to me. Perhaps it’s because English is “my thing.” It’s the one subject I WANT to excel at in every possible way. As much as the pressure of grades frustrates me and makes me want to rebel, sometimes it feels like they ARE the best way to measure your capability. In some ways, the pressure is worth it, just for the gratification you experience when you look at a mark like that with your name at the top of the page. ♦


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  • Britney March 13th, 2013 7:15 PM

    Our diaries are in sync so much some times, and it’s both cool yet scary.

  • GlitterKitty March 13th, 2013 7:16 PM

    “I can’t pin anything down without half-lying or otherwise getting flustered.” is the definition of my life. Thank you Katherine for putting that feeling into words.

  • sloththefifth March 13th, 2013 8:37 PM

    “either I don’t know, or I do and its complicated.”

    I felt that line deep in my soul. Thank you.

  • Eryn March 13th, 2013 9:00 PM

    Ahhh I love all of you guys so much <3 <3 You all rock.

  • 9ql March 13th, 2013 9:01 PM

    Britney–leaving middle school doesn’t necessarily mean losing your friends! I’m not saying that you are guaranteed to stay close everyone, but I have found that while I no longer really connect with most people from my middle school, my best friends from then are still some of my best friends now, in my first year of college. It can be hard to keep in touch with acquaintances, but when you really connect with someone that connection can stay strong even if you no longer see them every day.

  • double-fantasy March 13th, 2013 10:38 PM

    britney, i am in your same situation :+(

  • Mimi7 March 13th, 2013 10:39 PM

    I know how you feel Britney. I started high school this year and didn’t go to the same school as my friends. It was harder at first and I still really miss them, but I’ve gotten to have different places and things that make me happy.

  • Gaby March 14th, 2013 4:04 AM

    “I am not sure why getting an A in English is so important to me. Perhaps it’s because English is “my thing.” It’s the one subject I WANT to excel at in every possible way.”

    That’s exactly how I felt when I failed my first English exam. I cried over it, but the pressure was definitely worth it– I got one of the highest scores in class on my next test.

    • AlexaS March 20th, 2013 9:05 PM

      naomi- that quote is the story of my life sometimes (at least, the story of my whole freaking school day.) thanks for this <3

  • unicornconnect March 14th, 2013 4:55 AM

    Naomi: in English I am so used to being kind of worshipped and this year my English teacher doesn’t like how I write. Gahhhhh it makes me so angry, she’s like Regina George the more I dislike her the more I want to impress her.

    Britney: in Australia high school works differently, but just saying me and my best friend are even closer even though we go to different High schools. It will suck sometimes but you will make friends and bad teachers are fun to complain about/ make up limericks about/ impersonate/ draw pictures of.

  • Narita March 14th, 2013 10:56 AM

    Oh Ruby, how I love this! I’ve heard of people looking up to me as well, which is the craziest thing in my opinion- Partially because I can’t help but quote the Lights song in this one: “How can you love me when I am ugly?” And stupid, and weird, and not a nice person overall, and what-not. And when someone I look up to/envy tells me that they have the same with me, it leaves me both in astonishment and a sense of hope, of whom I’m not a big fan either.

    Reading this made me feel less alone, so thank you, kind soul. Also, I did not know of your self-harm, but I’m sorry you’ve felt the need to get it out this way. If you want to, just know I’m here to talk; you’ve got my Facebook.

  • theaaaa March 14th, 2013 2:49 PM

    Ohh my god Naomi I am literally in exactly the same situation as you like word for word! I retook a C and got an A too and english is like my ‘thing’ as well and it snowed loads when I did the exam! Gaah can’t even get over what a coincidence that is!

  • eremiomania March 14th, 2013 8:29 PM

    Britney, my absolute best friend changed schools in 5th grade. We were together every single day and we wouldn’t go anywhere without each other. People thought we were twins because spent so much time together. I was so sad and I begged my mom to let me change, too. But now, I think the separation is what has kept us close. It’s the anticipation and excitement we get each time we get to see each other that makes it so great.

  • George The Mammoth March 16th, 2013 4:38 PM

    Dudette, I know exactly what you feel like. I have to change schools and although my new school has a better education program, I don’t have any friends there. This year I got billions of new friends and we all have little inside jokes we’ll refer through out the week. We all pester each other about crushes and talk about the new books we’re reading. I don’t want to leave them and we’re just trying to soak up the last drops of the time we have left with each other.

  • pinnedtothepage March 18th, 2013 12:02 AM

    congratulations, naomi!

  • Mia Bergmann March 27th, 2013 4:04 PM

    This song “Until It’s Gone” might help with this subject. It got me through 8th grade <3

    Check it out on here: