Dear Diary

February 27, 2013

Oh, the joys of other people.


Lately, after years spent sleeping with a light on, I’ve been enjoying the sensation of lying in natural darkness—it feels smooth and cave-like. Some light seeps in through my thin bedroom curtains, and I wonder how much of it is man-made, and how it compares to millions of years ago, when some distant ancestor of mine slept outside. No houses, no bricks or tarmac. Imagine that. Imagine living by the natural cycles of the moon and sun and stars.

Everything seems quite grey at this point, and so artificial. The constant mechanical groan of cars makes me feel sick. I am tired of urban life. It is dull. Cars and roads and buses all look the same. The weather is cold and dry. The ground stays frozen beneath me. I keep longing for a torrent of rain, and that swimming sensation I adore: limbs stretching through atoms, rippling blue, while I use my muscles to glide through. Something to crack open the stillness of February.

But it’s time to accept that while school is grey and boring, there is no other way. I can embrace hard work—it is finite, and after months of seeing no end in sight, it finally feels that way. I don’t want to rebel against it. I am itching for forward motion, but I also like listening to Björk sing, “I don’t know my future after this weekend / And I don’t want to.” I keep reminding myself about what I wrote at the start of the new year—that you can’t make many plans in life, and the not-knowing is OK. ♦


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  • maddieT February 27th, 2013 7:50 PM

    Britney– you are brilliant and amazing and even if kids keep throwing trash at you forever, you will still be brilliant and amazing. Even if you can’t help getting a bit down on life, life is never down on you because life has no expectations for you because it is an inanimate non-object. Life can only be surprised at how cool you are and at the great things you achieve.

    • Britney February 27th, 2013 9:19 PM

      Thank you so much. That’s one of the best things that anyone has ever told me.

      • ladyjenna February 27th, 2013 10:44 PM

        Lets be friends, K?

  • Tiger February 27th, 2013 7:51 PM

    Britney– people at school treat me the same way. They don’t take me seriously and it’s seriously so frustrating

  • Tiger February 27th, 2013 8:01 PM

    Ruby I’m so happy for you :)

  • HollinsCollins February 27th, 2013 8:13 PM

    Oh Rubes, I’m so happy for you X3

    And Britney, I know how you feel. People don’t say “Oh, Holly” to me, but I’ve heard “You’re so funny, Holly” and other crap like that. But even though I don’t know you, I think you’re strong and awesome and smart and I hope other people start realizing that soon.

  • goma February 27th, 2013 8:30 PM

    Ruby, your band is awesome. Also, Britney I know how you feel. I’m 13 and I hate when I’m going through youtube comments of a band I like and I see ‘oh I used to like that band when I was 13 but now I know I was stupid back then and only dumb 13 year olds like this dumb band

  • Elle February 27th, 2013 10:49 PM

    Um, hello Britney, people used to do the same thing to me, they will probably grow out of it (I know that is not very comforting). There is an Oscar Wilde quote I wish I’d known. “Experience is a question of instinct about life.” from Lady Windermere’s Fan. I mean about feeling young.

  • litchick February 27th, 2013 10:54 PM

    So happy for you, Ruby!

    Britney, my friends used to do the same thing to me. Maybe your friends don’t realize how they sound/are making you feel; that was how it was in my experience, anyway. Best of luck! :)

  • Abby in the Sky with Diamonds February 27th, 2013 10:57 PM

    Dear Britney, I know that feeling. Lately the kids at my school like talking down to me & acting like we’re friends??? I don’t even know. But this one popular girl came up to me in the library and said, “What’s up homie”. But they’re obviously not trying to be my friend because they say it in a condescending way.

    P.S. Britney you’re already coolest. Nirvana rocks. Okay bye.

  • wishfulwanderer February 27th, 2013 11:08 PM

    Your entry gave me butterflies. So happy for you!

  • unicornconnect February 28th, 2013 1:07 AM

    Britney, although no one has ever thrown rubbish at me, oh the horror, I feel exactly how you feel one day. One of my “friends” always kind of dismisses me as this cute little blob of unimportance who says stuff that’s funny but should NOT be taken seriously. I feel like saying sometimes YEAH I’M ADORABLE, BUT THAT DOESN’T BEEN MY DIORAMAS AREN’T PROFESSIONAL AND AWESOME!!!!!!!

    Ruby: you are so lucky to have awesome awesome awesome friends.

    • unicornconnect February 28th, 2013 1:10 AM

      Also, I always get:

  • sneakybacon February 28th, 2013 7:00 AM

    one of the coolest people i know is about 3 years younger than me, i’m 19, shes 16, so i’m just here to say that the age gap closes when people get a little older and start to realise people are people and if you like them and get on with them then the age they are makes no fucking difference. hang on in there honey, it does get better xx

  • A Beautiful Tragic February 28th, 2013 7:26 AM

    Britney, I would give you a hug if I could, but unfortunately I cannot do it via web. I am only two years older than you, but I can completely feel your pain about what adults say about 13-year-olds. They judge young people based on those crazy fans of One Direction or Justin Bieber, when the truth is, some of you are pretty awesome. They will NEVER know who you really are. About being a misfit, I honestly believe that you should keep holding on. The most successful people in the world started off as the grass by the road, but look at them now. They’re on the top of the world, and so will you. Just do whatever makes you happy and comfortable.

  • Laura Lemon February 28th, 2013 9:41 AM

    Britney’s entry reminded me of that New Girl episode where Jess goes to court for a ticket, and Nick’s girlfriend person can’t take Jess seriously because she rocks a lot of polka dots or whatever. Totally been there. Ugh, humans.

  • Jasmine February 28th, 2013 9:13 PM