Dear Diary

February 20, 2013

Can it just be summer already?


I finally got up the nerve to talk to my crush, which in theory is amazing, but it ended up just confusing me even more.

Before this I’d been so focused on myself and on my inability to form coherent sentences around him, that I never really noticed that he’s not as perfect as I’d made him out to be. When we talked he said something really insensitive (not about me, but it still stung) in a super casual way, like it was no big deal to him, or like he didn’t even realize how offensive he was being.

I know that I talk about this guy more than I probably should, but this crush is a significant and bewildering part of my life. I don’t want to like him. “I hate him so much,” I have said a million times to my friends at lunch, while straining my eyes trying to spot him across the room. No matter what he does or says, I always find ways to make the pros outweigh the cons—even if I have to resort to pros like “wears nice shirts” or “has great hair.” I have tried not to be attracted to him, but it’s so difficult. This crush feels like an abyss that I’ve fallen into and now I’m stuck here, flailing around. ♦


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  • Abby February 20th, 2013 7:11 PM

    Hugs, Ruby.

  • jessmargo February 20th, 2013 7:21 PM

    Ruby I feel exactly the same way! a couple weeks ago we had to write a meaningful poem and share it to the class and I kind of tried to write something but everything was just a phantasmagoria of my messy mind so i just presented a really stupid and bland poem about the beauty of snowflakes. ugh I’m so sorry you feel this way and i wish i could pull together something that could be comforting to you!

  • MissKnowItAll February 20th, 2013 7:25 PM

    *Hugs Ruby*
    I gotch’a hun
    High school and everything in general sucks but no one is ever going to stop caring because yu’re too amazing.
    It’s normal to not care about anything.
    In my sophomore i gave up on trying to do well. I was an artist in a science school. It wasn’t good.
    And I worried like it was my job.
    I dealt with anxiety and depression and I stopped doing the things I loved because I felt no desire to do anything meaningful.
    But, there is always a better tomorrow. It’s not gonna be easy to get there, but it is there.
    Hang on hun. We’re here for you

  • rottedteeth February 20th, 2013 7:37 PM

    Naomi: I really enjoyed your entry. I think I might attempt positive visualization too.

    Katherine: I loved the one mans trash episode and just girls in general. I’m actually working on a zine about it.

    Ruby: I’ve felt that way since I left elementary school, thankfully it became better with therapy and painting.

    Britney: I’ve like this Guy for like 3 years and I want to hate him so badly but I make the stupidest excuses for his rude and idiotic behavior.

  • Ms.O February 20th, 2013 7:45 PM

    I love you, Katherine! AGH so cool :)
    And Ruby, I hope you feel better. I really want you to be happy. The truth is, I get upset because it’s people like you and Tavi and the writers on Rookie who do so much, yet I feel useless because I’m just not as talented (but I try!). I admire you, Ruby, because you’re doing a lot for people who don’t know you, but can relate to you. And I know that right now you’re not as proud as you can be of that, but you are so so so amazing.

    • FlowerPower February 21st, 2013 10:00 PM

      Agreed. I compare myself wayyyy too much to people and it just destroys my self esteem. I see all these writers on rookie, or even everyone here in the comments(when people post their links to their blogs), and I’m just like “wow, I’m so unaccomplished”. Luckily, I’m slowly working on NOT doing that. Anyway, for Ruby and anyone else who feels this way: You’re not worthless and you have all accomplished something in your lives! And even if its not much to you, you still have an ENTIRE life ahead of you. awh gosh, I need to read a happy post, now I’m feeling glum myself.

  • Lubby February 20th, 2013 7:58 PM

    Ruby, I can’t pretend to know exactly how you’re feeling but I can definitely relate. I was the golden girl all throughout highschool, at academics, co-curriculars, student leadership (not trying to brag, just giving some context) but suddenly…my depression and anxiety got much, much worse. I felt like I’d not only lost any previous skills I had, but also the ability to actually be me. I missed my old self, but equally I couldn’t even bring myself to care about work or eating or anything.
    One thing my dad said to me at this time was: “You are worth so much. Not because of what you do. You are so loved whether you fit into typical definitions of success or not. I love you” …it was scary to realise that my toughest critic was myself, and one of the things I still need to learn is that the people close to me don’t value my “goodness” as what is valuable in me (even if the voice inside my head sometimes does). And I love you Ruby, even though I’ve never met you. You have so much worth <3

  • frida villalobos February 20th, 2013 8:29 PM

    I can totally relate to you guys, since high school is over and I quit my job I feel totally useless and lost, I cant sleep again and people I love irritate me a lot these days, and I think I’m a horrible human. Also today I was just walking my dog and some girl made a loud coment about if a was a girl or a boy, not even to my face, but to her friends, and they all laugh. I wish she had whispered instead.

    • la fee clochette February 20th, 2013 10:36 PM

      I have felt that way about college being over, and going from amazing travels and art teaching job, to coming home to nothing. But we are our worst critics, and neither one of us is useless, there’s no way! And POO-POO on the jerky comment that girl made. An old man called my girl friend “sir” today and she felt badly-but she’s super cute, I’m sure you are too!

      • frida villalobos February 21st, 2013 2:39 AM

        thank you, you’re so sweet and cute, I feel better now.

    • dandelions February 21st, 2013 1:49 PM

      I wish there were more Rookie meetings so all of us could talk about all of this and have a group hug. And you are not lost, it’s just a moment in your life and you must used it to discover more about who you are and what you want in life, start doing what you like, you are everything, you are more important that a job or high school, if you are alive you can be everything you want.

      And terrible human beings like those girls are everywhere, they are LOST, because they can’t be polite and respectful (and they are blind)

  • georgie fruit February 20th, 2013 9:18 PM

    Katherine, you with your meringue boobs and your wild woman pits are a gorgeous fucking QUEEN and if I was standing in front of you I would give you exactly that feedback.

  • MegW February 20th, 2013 9:23 PM

    You go Katherine!!

  • MadelinelovesLouReed February 20th, 2013 10:04 PM

    Ruby, you are one of the coolest people I’ve never met. I’m so sorry you’re feeling the way you do.

  • isadora February 20th, 2013 10:18 PM

    Wow, Naomi, those last three paragraphs hit home really hard. I almost ctrl+c ctrl+v’ed them to my own diary.

  • la fee clochette February 20th, 2013 10:27 PM

    I wish I knew what to say, Ruby.

  • aliastro February 20th, 2013 10:37 PM

    Someone once told me, “Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides” and it was like Whoa.

    I’ve had anxiety forever and I go through periods with a lot and periods with none. Truth is, no one would know because I hide it too. Which means who knows what everyone else is going through right?

    We’re all weird and beautiful and messed up and all of it. (Sincerely, The Breakfast Club, ha) (But’s it true!)

  • Jasmine February 21st, 2013 1:04 AM

    Naomi: Ugh, I relate to literally everything you say.

    “I’ve gotten good at putting up a front; only those who really know me would guess that anything was wrong. I don’t like to admit weakness and I don’t like to ask for help.”

    ^Seriously the story of my freaking life…

    and Katherine: YOU GO GIRL! xx c:

  • Graciexx February 21st, 2013 1:23 AM

    after that I feel like we all need a group hug…


    yay! I’ve had a pretty crappy week too. Hard schoolwork has turned into even tougher homework and I’m constantly pushing deadlines. At least it’s almost Friday!

  • TessAnnesley February 21st, 2013 1:51 AM

    Can I just give Ruby the biggest internet hug ever? And also send her a thousand metaphorical bunches of flowers and boxes of chocolates? I’ve been there, Ruby. It sucks so much and I wish I could fix it for you. You just have to remember that your feelings are real and you’re allowed to feel them – it doesn’t make it any better, but you’re allowed to worry and cry and feel useless and stupid. You’re none of those things at all, of course, but the point is you feel like you are, and that’s what matters. Take care of yourself and know that we love you. Hugs hugs hugs hugs forever and ever.

  • Funky Monkey February 21st, 2013 1:58 AM

    Naomi, I have had those same feelings lately. I told my mom about them recently and she told me that it sounded like I was trying to be too many things at once to too many people. One thing to some people, one thing to others, and one thing to myself.

    “If you quit trying to be, then you just will be.”

    Let go, don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks. If you want to express a sad thought, do it. You won’t spoil anything. If the person you’re talking to freaks out, it’s not you – it’s them; and who knows, maybe they have the same thoughts you do. It’s a brave thing to open up and it’s worthy of a try no-matter the outcome.

    As for the visualization, you don’t have to know what you want in the long run to use it. Just what you want right now. When I want to talk to someone, but I’m afraid of it being awkward, I picture it not being so. Don’t give up on visualization if it’s something you want to try and don’t bog yourself down w/ labels like doubter, worrier and dweller. Those may be things you do, but they are not you. YOU are not your doubts or worries.

    And as for your feeling like you’re not worthy of someone liking you or loving you, you are just as worthy as the next person. Do you believe a friend of yours doesn’t deserve to be liked or loved? Would you tell a friend that? I read once that when you are feeling like this, you should look at it like you’re talking to a friend, what would you tell them? I would tell her she deserves to be liked and loved. <3

    “You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
    — Brene Brown

  • indaslicht February 21st, 2013 4:24 AM

    ruby = me, tbh

    • indaslicht February 21st, 2013 4:30 AM

      also, britney, you remind me so much of my seventh-grade self. based on my experience, it took just one summer break to think about other things (it was a boring-as-hell summer, so i was mostly thinking about ways to have fun with my cousins) and i saw him (my then-crush) on the first day of eighth grade and felt…nothing. so maaaybe, if you occupy yourself, or if you have your friends to occupy you, you’ll just kinda forget about him like i did. all in all, you’re young and you have sooo many experiences ahead of you, and i can kinda see from now that one day in the future you’ll recall this guy and the feelings he gave you and laugh (that’s what i do right now whenever i see him since we still go to school together).

  • thebrownette February 21st, 2013 10:32 AM

    BRITNEY BRITNEY BRITNEY i feel your pain. crushed on a friend’s ex for a year and a half (i had known him 10 yrs before her)!

  • LouderBlues February 21st, 2013 11:21 AM

    I usually feel like Ruby during winter. I thought that everything was wrong but then I found out about something called winter depression. It seems that the lack of sun depresses some people. I still get sad, but I feel better knowing that my life doesn’t actually suck that much.

  • AnaRuiz February 21st, 2013 1:37 PM

    Katherineeeee, I love you infiniteeeeee!!! This is my same exact approach, yet thank you for verbalizing it, finally!!

  • Illusen February 21st, 2013 2:05 PM

    This weekly diaries are my favorite part of rookie and i never really comment on them but this time i just had to. Everything Ruby wrote could have been written by me. I am sorry she’s going through all this pain but, at the same time, i feel better by knowing that i am not alone in my misery and that some people (even awesome people like Ruby) are going through the same thing. On the other hand, these comments of people that got through periods like that give me a little bit of hope. That’s why rookie is so goddamm amazing…

  • angusyoung4eva February 21st, 2013 2:46 PM

    Katherine you are my hero!!!

  • barbroxursox February 21st, 2013 3:07 PM

    Oh my god, Katherine, thank you so much! My boobs are a teensy bit lopsided too (but really only noticeable to me). But I’ve been struggling with body image recently too (not my boobs, they’re always awesome), and this made me realize that I don’t need recognition from others to feel good about myself, and I don’t need to compare myself to other people with completely different body types and situations. Again, thank you so much gurl! You rock!

    • barbroxursox February 21st, 2013 3:14 PM

      And Ruby, I’m kinda feeling the same way… My grades are dropping (senioritis is REAL!), I’m being less and less social, my job isn’t giving me any hours, and I really should take a shower right now. My grades were awesome last semester, and I had so much fun partying and doing things with my friends. But I just can’t seem to care about anything or have the motivation to do anything at all in my life right now. I’m behind in like 3 of my classes and just bombed a test… And every day I keep saying I’ll do something, but I end up not doing anything. Ugh. I need sleep and motivation really bad right now, before these colleges revoke my acceptances!
      I’ve realized that I always pour my heart out in the Rookie comments… idk, it just makes me feel better <3

  • jessejames February 21st, 2013 4:19 PM

    Katherine- I would totally join SATC discussion club like the one you talked about in your Samantha diary entry, that sounds awesome.

  • StellaBerlin February 21st, 2013 4:39 PM

    Katherine- I LOVE YOU. so cooool…
    Ruby- I know exactly what its like to feel dumb. I like to pretend that I’m smart, and I can hide the truth in my grades, but actually, I think one of my biggest fears is for someone to find out that I’m actually stupid, that my IQ is probably really low and I’m just living off of other people’s ideas at this point.
    But in your case, I think that you might be one of the coolest people of all time, and unfortunately (i guess) for you, ROOKIE cares.
    And I hate it when people try to make me feel better by saying, “You’re not dumb.” because i really just don’t want to hear it. i don’t even know what I want to hear, but i need to hear something…

  • rabbit February 21st, 2013 8:30 PM

    Ruby I feel the same exact way right now. It’s really hard dealing with school, relationships with people and your parents. Right now I’m going to therapy and it has helped me for some things but not all things but it is still helpful. I honestly have no motivation right now in school because I’m with people who I don’t like and the system here is horrible. I’m only getting by because of my therapist.

  • Saana V February 22nd, 2013 5:57 PM

    AHHH dear Britney – my crushes are always like that.
    I seem to create a person that is not really that person but just really really seems to be that person.

    The worst one of these was this one guy i had a crush on for um, eight years. I wasted eight years of my life (ALMOST HALF OF MY LIFE SO FAR) longing for a guy that really wasn’t what i thought. He was kinda an asshole and not that awesome in every single way.
    He got diagnosed with cancer last year, oh wait, few years ago? and I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty confused and scared and worried and the worst part is that i hoped and prayed that he’d die or get cancer and now he has it um.