Dear Diary

February 13, 2013

People are strange.

Katherine

Being on campus outside of class is starting to make me very nervous. If I get to the cafeteria and it’s crowded, I immediately turn around and go back to my dorm to study. But I’m a human being who needs to eat, so I’ve started pretending that I’m the only person on earth when I go out. I try not to make eye contact with anyone, the better to deny their existence altogether.

Friday night, I went to see Amour. When I walked up to the theater’s doors, I wanted to run away. People were pressed together like slices of cheese separated by the thin wax paper of their clothing. But I pretended the lobby was empty and went inside. The result was that I saw a movie I liked. That was good.

But then the other day, as I was browsing in a clothing store, my illusion was shattered. I spotted someone I knew, and if they saw me they’d surely start TALKING at my FACE, and then I couldn’t deny that they were real, and standing right in front of me. Talking. I gasped and hid behind a wall, and then went to the register and bought everything I had in my hands—two shirts and a dress—so I could get out of there ASAP. Now I have to return them, but I’m afraid I’ll see someone else I know. That was bad.

I feel like a rodent trying to scavenge and go undetected. I went through a phase like this two years ago, and before that, when I was in elementary school. Generally, something would happen that would make me feel validated and I’d stop freaking out: I’d get a part in a play or have a teacher who thought I was funny. But that validation doesn’t last forever.

There’s an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie is feeling down about being single. At the end of the episode, she gets over it. The last shot is of her sipping wine outside at a cafe. She has no buffer, like a book or a friend. She just stares at the people walking by and drinks her wine. That’s where I want to be. I just can’t tell if it’s where I’m headed. ♦

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15 Comments

  • whatever February 13th, 2013 7:09 PM

    These diaries are always so insightful and lovely.

    Rabbitandthewomp.blogspot.com

  • Ms.O February 13th, 2013 7:30 PM

    I think it’s great that you are mourning/celebrating the existence of Sylvia Plath, especially in the way of writing letters <3

  • sarahf February 13th, 2013 7:41 PM

    everything katherine writes resonates with me

  • clairedh February 13th, 2013 7:51 PM

    Naomi, I completely know how you feel. You described it so well. Going back to nature when you are feeling down always helps me too.
    And Britney, writing letters to Sylvia Plath is such a good idea. I may even steal the idea and write letters to my idol/spirit guide Anais Nin.
    I always love reading the diaries. They are always so honest and reeeal (and secretly (not anymore) wish I got to submit my own entries..).

    • Britney February 13th, 2013 9:29 PM

      I love Anais Nin! Go for it!

  • Eryn February 13th, 2013 8:34 PM

    BRITNEY <3 I relate.

    • Britney February 13th, 2013 10:44 PM

      Hey there, fellow Sylvia admirer! <3

  • jane alice February 13th, 2013 8:54 PM

    So honest and poignant. I am constantly impressed and comforted by these diary entries.

    http://femmefutures.blogspot.ca/

  • graciegracie February 13th, 2013 9:54 PM

    Katherine, I feel like you are describing my life every week. I absolutely hate going to a busy dining hall, I’ve started eating lunch really early or late so that I can sit alone in peace! Sometimes I feel like I’m doing college all wrong, because I’m not connecting with people here. I’m really involved on campus, but I don’t feel like I’ve found my niche. It’s nice to know that someone else is going through the same things!

  • hedgehogurll February 13th, 2013 10:18 PM

    WHERE DID NANDI GO???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

  • taste test February 13th, 2013 10:40 PM

    katherine, your entries continue to describe my life. a few days ago I was eating lunch alone and someone I know saw me and came and sat next to me. it was nice of them but I really did want to talk. so I said I had to go and fucking walked to another cafeteria and got more food and finished lunch alone there. Great Moments in Reclusiveness

    britney, that is such a good idea. maybe I should start writing letters to… I don’t know who. probably someone in one of the punk bands I listen to feel more powerful. maybe it would help me stop caring so much about what other people think that I do shit like hide from people who might be my friend if I’d give them more of a chance.

  • barbroxursox February 13th, 2013 10:56 PM

    @Britney, I’m reading The Bell Jar right now and I’m loving it! I need to read some of her poems. I’m going on a (mini) road trip this weekend so maybe I will write to her then too.

    http://lizard-on-a-window-pane.tumblr.com

  • Caitlin H. February 14th, 2013 9:21 AM

    “People were pressed together like slices of cheese separated by the thin wax paper of their clothing” OMG yes Katherine

  • Lizmaster3000 February 17th, 2013 7:16 PM

    Katherine… Dude I feel the same. I don’t really connect with anyone at college. It makes me lonely and upset and anxious and unsure of myself.