Dear Diary

February 13, 2013

People are strange.

Naomi

I am so sick of my own egocentricity. The fact that I think I’m the centre of the world is the reason it spins out of control. I heard a friend to my left cough in class, a rusty bell ringing in the fog. He felt very far away, and in that tiny part of my brain that wasn’t panicking, I wondered how he could just sit there and not be swimming in intense, unwelcome thoughts. I was incapable of imagining feeling anything different from what I was feeling at that moment, even though I have been where I assume he was: in the clear. I’m not as accustomed to panic as I once was, when it used to arrive like clockwork.

I used to feel a terrible rush almost every time I went to class at my old school. Not a rush of life and excitement and love, but one that convinced me that the world was ending.

I thought these attacks were in the past. I don’t want that terror to find a new home.

I took a detour after school so I could refresh my senses and walk off my nerves. I wanted to feel calm again, like white linen hanging in the breeze. I finally felt tranquility once I reached the park swing and surveyed the desolate greenery around me. I’ve decided the park is my favourite place. ♦

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15 Comments

  • whatever February 13th, 2013 7:09 PM

    These diaries are always so insightful and lovely.

    Rabbitandthewomp.blogspot.com

  • Ms.O February 13th, 2013 7:30 PM

    I think it’s great that you are mourning/celebrating the existence of Sylvia Plath, especially in the way of writing letters <3

  • sarahf February 13th, 2013 7:41 PM

    everything katherine writes resonates with me

  • clairedh February 13th, 2013 7:51 PM

    Naomi, I completely know how you feel. You described it so well. Going back to nature when you are feeling down always helps me too.
    And Britney, writing letters to Sylvia Plath is such a good idea. I may even steal the idea and write letters to my idol/spirit guide Anais Nin.
    I always love reading the diaries. They are always so honest and reeeal (and secretly (not anymore) wish I got to submit my own entries..).

    • Britney February 13th, 2013 9:29 PM

      I love Anais Nin! Go for it!

  • Eryn February 13th, 2013 8:34 PM

    BRITNEY <3 I relate.

    • Britney February 13th, 2013 10:44 PM

      Hey there, fellow Sylvia admirer! <3

  • jane alice February 13th, 2013 8:54 PM

    So honest and poignant. I am constantly impressed and comforted by these diary entries.

    http://femmefutures.blogspot.ca/

  • graciegracie February 13th, 2013 9:54 PM

    Katherine, I feel like you are describing my life every week. I absolutely hate going to a busy dining hall, I’ve started eating lunch really early or late so that I can sit alone in peace! Sometimes I feel like I’m doing college all wrong, because I’m not connecting with people here. I’m really involved on campus, but I don’t feel like I’ve found my niche. It’s nice to know that someone else is going through the same things!

  • hedgehogurll February 13th, 2013 10:18 PM

    WHERE DID NANDI GO???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

  • taste test February 13th, 2013 10:40 PM

    katherine, your entries continue to describe my life. a few days ago I was eating lunch alone and someone I know saw me and came and sat next to me. it was nice of them but I really did want to talk. so I said I had to go and fucking walked to another cafeteria and got more food and finished lunch alone there. Great Moments in Reclusiveness

    britney, that is such a good idea. maybe I should start writing letters to… I don’t know who. probably someone in one of the punk bands I listen to feel more powerful. maybe it would help me stop caring so much about what other people think that I do shit like hide from people who might be my friend if I’d give them more of a chance.

  • barbroxursox February 13th, 2013 10:56 PM

    @Britney, I’m reading The Bell Jar right now and I’m loving it! I need to read some of her poems. I’m going on a (mini) road trip this weekend so maybe I will write to her then too.

    http://lizard-on-a-window-pane.tumblr.com

  • Caitlin H. February 14th, 2013 9:21 AM

    “People were pressed together like slices of cheese separated by the thin wax paper of their clothing” OMG yes Katherine

  • Lizmaster3000 February 17th, 2013 7:16 PM

    Katherine… Dude I feel the same. I don’t really connect with anyone at college. It makes me lonely and upset and anxious and unsure of myself.