Dear Diary

February 6, 2013

The main thing is that someone had their first kiss.


In the parking garage one night a while back, I ran into a girl I used to be friends with in high school. “Used to be friends with” sounds like we had some dramatic split, but that’s not how it went. We just used to hang out a lot junior year, and then we did it less, and eventually we never did it at all. We were walking in opposite directions in the garage and our eyes met as we passed. We both stopped and said hey and joked about how we always noticed each other walking by in the hallways when it was too late to say hello. And then she was like, “We should hang out,” and I was all, “Yeah.” But we never did. Because she never did anything and because I never did anything. Because I freaked out and had to analyze everything we ever said to each other or did.

Did we stop being friends because we lost what we had in common? We used to make an “underground literary magazine” together, and we were in the same really small English class junior year. We had fun together, but maybe once that class ended and we stopped making the magazine, we had no reason to chill anymore.

Maybe (most likely) it was me. I really hated a girl she was friends with our senior year, and I was very vocal about it. Also, when we were working on our literary magazine together, I was really controlling. We joked about it in meetings, but it’s now clear to me that I was a terror.

Maybe we just weren’t compatible on some fundamental level. We used to talk about how it was hard for each of us to read or understand the other’s social cues and emotions.

After careful analysis of every part of our interaction in the garage and all of the possible reasons for our not hanging out anymore, I have come to the conclusion that I have no idea what to think.

Over the past couple 24/7s, I’ve been caught up analyzing or talking about things I did in high school. You know how you’re supposed to gain perspective on things with time, and how tragedy is supposed to turn into comedy? That hasn’t happened to me—the feelings of embarrassment/humiliation/pain are just as fresh as if they’d happened yesterday. Like that time I asked someone I didn’t even know to Sadie Hawkins because I thought that might secure me a date for prom—I feel as shitty about that now as I did then. And it’s not like I’m gonna look back on these days any differently, because I haven’t stopped making the same old mistakes. I go back and read things I wrote for a senior year English class and am mortified by how terrible they are, but I’m still writing the same clumsy way.

Everything I did wrong then I’m doing wrong now, and everything that hurt then hurts now. I thought I’d forget about high school after graduation and make myself into a whole new person. Turns out I can’t. ♦


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  • babyybat February 6th, 2013 7:17 PM


  • Ms.O February 6th, 2013 7:24 PM

    ugh I really wanted to go to the Galentine’s Day ball but I was sick (among other things). That made me soooo jealous/sad/happy for you.

  • Guinevere February 6th, 2013 7:26 PM

    YAY Ruby!! So jealous over here, as someone who’s nearly 16 and have never even had, like, anything with a boy. Congrats!!!

    • Isabelle97 February 7th, 2013 1:35 PM

      ha, me too :)

    • TinaBallerina February 7th, 2013 4:07 PM

      Ha ha, me too! But I’m almost 18, and so far my relationships with boys have been limited to me crushing hard on them and nothing happening.

      BUT YAY RUBY!!

    • TessaTheTeenageWitch February 11th, 2013 12:52 AM

      Ruby, I am so envious, but YOU GO GIRL.

  • Avia03o February 6th, 2013 7:46 PM

    idk, as a reader of rookie i feel strangely proud for ruby, even though i’ve never met her!

  • victoria February 6th, 2013 7:48 PM

    ruby your diary entry is the sweetest thing ever!!!

  • ivoire February 6th, 2013 7:57 PM

    ruby i just died inside im so happy for you girl

  • makeawish3653 February 6th, 2013 8:00 PM

    Ruby, i just had my first kiss with a boy i really like last night and im happy for you and im happy for me and YAY FOR HAPPINESS

  • MissKnowItAll February 6th, 2013 8:02 PM


    • Ms.O February 6th, 2013 8:38 PM

      It’s so awesome! And kind of like a reality show/slumber party; we get to hear all about it!

      • MissKnowItAll February 6th, 2013 9:02 PM

        TONIGHT RUBY HAS BEEN INITITated into our sisterhood
        tell us all about your spit swapping session with said boy

    • Ruby B. February 6th, 2013 9:33 PM

      It was sweet, and I’ll make sure he does! <3 Thanks guys, I'm excited too

  • GlitterKitty February 6th, 2013 8:10 PM


  • decemberbaby February 6th, 2013 8:17 PM

    Ruby, I’m so jealous — I’ve had my first kiss, but I will consider it a major event when I first kiss someone who likes the Smiths.

  • Marian February 6th, 2013 8:25 PM

    Yay Ruby!!! Your guy seems awesome! And ya Britney for having fun at the ball! Yay everyone!!

  • sarahf February 6th, 2013 8:30 PM

    I can really relate to your entry, Katherine. Even though its gotten better a little bit, I still feel a lot of the pain I felt in high school, but it feels really nice to know I’m not alone.

  • Domenic February 6th, 2013 8:56 PM

    I really liked Katherine’s piece. It makes me think about the relationships I have with people now and will have going into university, because I hear the friends you make there are for life.

    Right now I know somebody that I have to work with at an art gallery that is so strongly anti everything that I will be glad to actually not have to work with her again. No nostalgic feelings of friendships are going to be there and I know it. But at the same time it’s kinda nice.

    xx Domenic

    • NotReallyChristian February 7th, 2013 1:50 PM

      I’m in my last year of university now, and it’s totally weird – I found it much harder to find people to relate to at college than I ever did at home. At home everyone I knew was liberal, we all cared about human rights and climate change and stuff and agreed on like everything. And naively I was like ‘well, I’m going to a smart-people college, and you can’t really be smart and not think gay marriage or abortion or whatever is a good idea, can you?’ BUT NO. I discovered that there can be people who seem fun and nice and interesting and then suddenly they’ll say something sexist or racist and you won’t know what to do. Turns out people can be clever and articulate and just WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING, and it’s completely terrifying! Why aren’t all the smart people using their powers for good?!

  • StrawberryTwist February 6th, 2013 9:08 PM

    Awhhhh I love love LOVE hearing these stories. This is super sweet!

  • wishfulwanderer February 6th, 2013 9:09 PM


  • Jasmine February 6th, 2013 9:11 PM

    Ugh, I can relate 100% with Naomi. I’ve struggled with sad and anxious feelings for so long and even though I’m in a good place right now all I can think about is when is my sadness is going to return. Then I think that maybe I’m not actually happy because content people aren’t waiting for the hat to drop, they’re just content.
    I’m unhappy about being happy.. what is wrong with me?

  • actressgirl February 6th, 2013 9:16 PM

    Ruby, your entry was so sweet that I had to back and read it twice :)

  • Julianne February 6th, 2013 9:35 PM

    Go Ruby! :D

  • Britney February 6th, 2013 9:44 PM


  • I.ila February 6th, 2013 10:13 PM

    WAIT BRITNEY I was there it was so much fun. I was the awkward girl in the colorful skirt and blue sweater. Being incredibly awkward. So awkward in fact. But it was nice, and I actually managed to make friends (wouldn’t have except for my buddy/date) but anyway Y’ALL SHOULD GO TO LOCAL ROOKIE PEOPLE FUNTIMES BECAUSE THEY GENERALLY ARE FUN TIMES.

  • taste test February 6th, 2013 10:16 PM

    Katherine, I swear to god I am you. I’ve been more organized this semester than I was in high school (or last semester), but it’s taken a massive effort on my part, and that’s the only thing that’s kind of changed. essentially I’m exactly like I was when I graduated, with all the same problems: laziness, complete lack of social skills, etc.

  • saradln February 6th, 2013 10:37 PM

    Thanks for writing about what you’re going through, Naomi. I’ve been feeling the same way lately and it’s a bit alarming and disheartening, to say the least. It’s good to hear it put into (very nice, very accurate) words.

  • Sssophiabh February 6th, 2013 10:48 PM

    Naomi, I know exactly how you feel!

  • beckytamara February 6th, 2013 11:47 PM

    Naomi, thank you. You just beautifully articulated anxious feelings that I and so many others endure…it’s so good to know that I’m not alone.

  • sedgwick February 7th, 2013 1:58 AM

    dude ruby this made me cry tears of happiness dw its my normal reaction when i get really cuted out about stuff and i got hit with a nostalgia tsunami for my first kiss
    like the post-kiss “i really like you” was verbatim

  • Lulli February 7th, 2013 5:19 AM

    OMG RUBY!!!

  • Tini February 7th, 2013 6:04 AM

    Katherine, thank you so much for your honest entries. People always talk about how life is becoming so much better after you graduate high school, but for me, hardly anything has changed (and I’m almost done with university now). It makes total sense that our personalities don’t just change overnight once we’re out of high school, but all these people saying so made me hope a little… now I’m stuck in this hopeless place though, where I don’t think life is ever going to be any better. For me, too, all the pain from high school feels just as fresh as back then. I still hope for all of us feeling that way that we’ll find ways to make it better:)

  • raggedyanarchy February 7th, 2013 9:34 AM

    Ruby, that was precious. Probably the cutest Rookie Diary entry ever.
    Katherine, I did that just the other day. It’s like I have to analyze everything all the time.

  • HollinsCollins February 7th, 2013 10:11 AM


  • silvermist February 7th, 2013 10:12 AM

    Awww, Ruby!!!!!!!
    I don’t know I get so excited when something good happens to you guys :)

  • anyone February 7th, 2013 2:14 PM

    Naomi and Katherine…
    I can relate to your entries a lot. A year ago was the worst winter for me. I suffered from insomnia and depression and, yeah, it was really bad.
    I was not writing at that time so I can’t even remember these dark months. They are like a hole…
    But then, exactly a year ago, I went to the doctor and got help and therapy and medication (I don’t say that it is the right thing for everyone, but it was for me. I was not able to go to work… So I REALLY had to do something).
    And then spring came and my mood got also better (yes, also because of the therapy and medication.. ). The first sunny days of the year are so beautiful. All light and warm. It will get better, I know that.
    It is really brave of you to write down your feelings and to make them accessible for us. It really helps me, even now, when I am in a dark mood to know, that we can help each other and that we are not alone.

    Ok, that is a long comment now. :D Basically I want to say:
    I know your feelings, it will get better, don’t judge yourself ever for your feelings and enjoy every sunny minute and look forward to spring!


  • chelseybell February 7th, 2013 2:18 PM

    this is the sweetest. like, doug funnie and patti mayonnaise sweet.

  • Morning Moon February 7th, 2013 3:21 PM

    Ruby!! That was super cool!!!! You kissed him first?? You are a real girl!!! haha

  • Tallulah February 8th, 2013 4:29 AM

    Oh my god, Ruby! Ahhh sitting in a basement listening to the Smiths with the guy you like? Sounds absolutely perfect! Asdfghjkl yaaaay for kissing

  • Cactus Woman February 10th, 2013 1:36 AM

    your post
    my heart

    total flashback to my first kiss…it will never stop being a lovely memory. <3

  • vanguardinspace February 17th, 2013 12:33 AM

    Naomi, I know this post is old, but I haven’t been on Rookie for a long time, and am just reading it for the first time now. Lately, I’ve been feeling very alone despite the fact that I now go to school with people every day. I’ve been drifting in and out of feeling anxious, thinking too much, etc; and wondering if that part of me is clinging on for dear life since I haven’t given it much room for a while. I haven’t checked Rookie in a while, and had forgotten what it feels like to know that someone else is going through what you are going through. I always appreciate your posts. We have very similar situations, and similar thoughts about them–although you often give me new insights into my life. Thank you.

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica June 6th, 2013 6:35 AM