Dear Diary

January 9, 2013

A resolution by any other name…


Nothing is enjoyable anymore. I hate being at school, I hate being at home, and I hate being around other people. I feel trapped. My room is kind of a sanctuary, but I’m not allowed to sit in my room alone all day.

I used to blog. How weird is that? Now I don’t even like fashion. I don’t like almost anything anymore. Nothing is fun or interesting. Everything is sad and exhausting.

Music isn’t working. Friendship isn’t working. I just go to bed as early as I’m allowed to and sleep as late as I can before I have to drag myself out of bed and to the bus stop.

What the hell is wrong with me? I live in a good house, I have enough food, I have clean water. I try to remind myself of that, remembering how I used to care and be thankful. I look for my old journals and read happy entries from good days. Sometimes I think, I had the same experience today, but I don’t feel happy about it now. Now I don’t see the point.

Am I depressed, or am I just dramatic and wallowing in self-pity? I used to tell people I was a nihilist. But now I’m pretty sure I’m not—I don’t think life has no point; I think I just realized that the point of life is nothing. (There’s a big difference.) But I don’t want to be a cynical babybat who hates everything, so I pretend to like things. I stare at myself in the mirror and practice smiling. I watch blank Word documents. I habitually skim things I used to enjoy reading.

Do you ever get depressed thinking about how since a person is four or five, their whole life is based on eventually getting a job? Get good grades to go to college to get a job to make money to survive. You can’t survive and then have a life in the meantime, because survival is the whole point of life. And there’s nothing else. You’re born, you work to live, and you die. Do you ever think that’s gross?

My one job is to do well in school. I have one job, and I suck at it.

The only thing in the world that I like right now is CVS. I like standing outside of it and watching people walk in and out. I walk up and down the aisles, thinking about who made everything and who will buy it. I spend all my money on cheap cosmetics that I line up on my sink and never use. ♦


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  • GlitterKitty January 9th, 2013 7:26 PM

    Caitlin’s illustration is particularly awesome today. I love it.

  • Sharon January 9th, 2013 7:48 PM

    Oh man Britney. When I saw “I am done having crushes on people” and felt like I looking into a mirror. The mirror of Sad Teenage Girl. Volume 15748, probably. u_u

  • Peanutpug January 9th, 2013 7:54 PM

    Ruby your diary entry really resonated with me today. I don’t know what else to say but here are kisses xxx

  • Mollie January 9th, 2013 7:58 PM

    drug stores are therapeutic
    i love walgreens
    last summer i went there every day

  • Marguerite January 9th, 2013 8:08 PM

    Hey Ruby, I beleive that our purpose in life is to see and wonder at the things God created in the world. So we should travel whenever we get the chance, go to art exhibits, science and natural histery museums. We should be creative and try to add to the beauty of the world. Sometimes it’s hard, I feel like I’m wasting my time in school but at school I can try to make people be more accepting and kinder. I don’t know what you think, but maybe this helps :)

  • bugaleeto January 9th, 2013 8:15 PM

    Caitlin, your illustration would honestly be a scary-perfect tarot card reading for me(if that makes sense….) because its how i feel right now- a total hot mess of emotions and opinions that really…..stresses me out?….confuses me..if any of this makes sense at all…lol can you say total trainwreck? blergh

    • Caitlin H. January 10th, 2013 9:18 AM

      Oh poppet, you poor thing, but SNAP, so you’re not alone! Hope things improve for you. <3

  • Ms.O January 9th, 2013 8:20 PM

    Hey Ruby. . . There’s so many more things. . . Life is kinda for surviving but it’s also for doing as much as you can of what you love.

    I have some advice (which is ridiculous cuz my life is a mess). I think you should try hard to surround yourself with all the things you love, whatever they are. Then if you stop liking them, move on and forget. When I stopped being obsessed with fashion (recently), I felt weird and like life sucked (which it does, no doubt). And then I was okay because I figured out I’m going to change a ton because I’m still young. I still want to dress like Weetzie Bat and Audrey Hepburn combined, but I’m going to spend more time reading about feminism and watching movies and using my camera and baking.
    Maybe the point of life is nothing, but thinking of life like that sucks so much. I think that life is a bunch of little jobs and, yeah, school is a job. But it’s going to end and you can go onto another job and you will have control over whether or not you hate that job. There’s little things and big things; the good thing is that you can choose which things are important and which things aren’t. I think you’re maybe forgetting that you’re also important.

  • koalabears January 9th, 2013 8:25 PM

    This illustration is beautiful, Caitilin.

  • FlowerPower January 9th, 2013 8:39 PM

    I find myself in your same position and I’m thankful that someone else connects with me in this aspect. Here are some words that I hope will make you happier because they are true: You have lovely hair and your youtube has very interesting, entertaining, and informing videos. Unless you’re giving absolutely 0% effort and failing every class, then you’re NOT a failure! You’ve just hit a bump in the road and like many, you’ve probably hit others before and more will come in the future. I love reading your entries and I hope you’ll get something useful out of my little poop of a spiel.

    • farawayfaerie January 10th, 2013 6:57 AM

      I agree, ruby’s youtube channel is wonderful. And she has amazing hair and also she makes me want to wear black 24/7 because she looks so good in it. Also, ruby, not that you haven’t been given enough advice in these comments already, but don’t shy away from professional help. Sometimes you just need the right medicine to help you get through the day, and a psychiatrist or homeopath will be able to tell you if you do. wishing you well

      • NotReallyChristian January 10th, 2013 4:36 PM

        Woah there! Just to point out that homeopathy is NOT medically approved. If it works for you for minor ailments that’s great, but please don’t waste time trying to treat major problems with plain water.

      • catpower44 January 11th, 2013 9:03 AM

        I totally agree with everyone here that Ruby’s youtube is really rather cool and amazing. Ruby, I really really love your tutorials, and your hair is really awesome. I hope that you can start feeling a little better about things soon.
        Much love!

  • forevernymph January 9th, 2013 8:51 PM

    Ruby, I know exactly how you feel. What you just described was how I felt just a few months ago. I felt that way for YEARS. I don’t know what I started to do, but it just got better. I know that doesn’t help, but everyone used to tell me to just wait…and now I know it does get better eventually. It just takes a lot of time.

  • allier January 9th, 2013 8:57 PM

    Ruby- I totally feel you! Sometimes even just being a person is extremely hard. I’m really glad that you were kind enough to share these feelings with us, i think a lot of us can relate and help you out. Total rookie support right here, girlfriend

  • Zelda January 9th, 2013 9:07 PM

    Britney, that sucks. My friends are doing the same things and texting him that I love him and want to go on dates. And naming my unborn children(Benedict Sherlock and John Martin (SHERLOCK))

    • Ella W January 13th, 2013 2:35 PM

      2 things.
      1) you are called Zelda
      2) you like Sherlock

      I automatically love you
      just saying

  • GrayHK January 9th, 2013 9:12 PM

    It is nice to know that I’m not alone

  • paige.xo January 9th, 2013 9:30 PM

    I feel ya ruby.

  • Aurora January 9th, 2013 9:30 PM

    Ruby, I love you and every single diary entry you post :) I hope it gets better and you can feel happy again

    • Ruby B. January 9th, 2013 10:42 PM

      Thank you, and everyone commenting nice things :)

  • actressgirl January 9th, 2013 9:57 PM

    Ruby, and I say this with love…stop complaining. Remember the girl that spoke at her Eighth grade graduation? Or the girl that convinced her camp to do “A Harry Potter Musical,” and got to be Draco freaken Malfoy? That girl was pretty awesome. So find her and stop, as you said, wallowing in self pity.

    • adelia f January 9th, 2013 10:16 PM

      I would disagree. Sometimes the only way to get through a hard time is to talk about it. And talk and talk and talk. And yes, absolutely wallow. One day you’ll be wallowing in bed, unable to get up, and then suddenly the wallpaper will strike you as funny. And at first it will seem horrible and strange that even when your heart is a crumbled mess, you still find things funny for no reason at all. But slowly it will get better – something that’s almost impossible to believe, I know, when you’re in it. But true nonetheless. So hang in there.

      • actressgirl January 9th, 2013 10:45 PM

        Yeah Adelia’s right…wallow in bed until you can’t get up and the wallpaper looks funny. Or like I said find that person that was awsome…your choice.

        • purrr January 12th, 2013 11:26 PM

          By pressuring Ruby into ‘not whining or wallowing in self-pity” you’re asking her to “fake it till she makes it”, and you’re asking her to conceal her sadness/apathy by guilt-tripping her, and that is SO UNCOOL.

          When a person is depressed/apathetic, you do NOT make them feel guilty about their state!!! Often it is not their fault (usually it’s due to chemical imbalances in the brain) and even if it is, inflicting guilt onto an already depressed person will not cure them!! It just doesn’t even make sense.

          By asking her to easily “change into the ‘awesome’ person” you are
          1) saying that right now she is not awesome
          2) erasing her problem and her difficulties with getting back to ~normal
          3) trivialising her problems
          4) giving her a guilt trip.

          Please don’t ever act this way towards people who are having mental difficulties. It is not beneficial at all.

          What could help, though, is giving those people care and safety, and (if you are able to) trying to help them find medical help. People do not just “snap out” of months of apathy. You can’t treat a scraped knee by wishing it would magically turn into the “better” knee it used to be. Our brains are also body parts, and they need to be taken care of.

          And to Ruby: try to check out a therapist. In an ideal world, everyone would see a psychologist on a regular basis, because taking care of our emotions is as important as taking care of our bodies. You’re not ‘crazy’, you probably just have the ‘flu of mental illnesses”. Sending hugs to you, if you need them. xxx

  • Jessica W January 9th, 2013 10:05 PM

    Reply to this if you have a fake ID #notacop

    The Lovelorn

  • barbroxursox January 9th, 2013 10:24 PM

    Ruby, I feel ya so much right now! I don’t know what it is… before/during the holidays, I felt a bit stressed out but overall happy and content. But I can hardly enjoy anything right now, and things that I do enjoy only last for a few moments. I mean I feel like I’m depressed or something, but I’ve never had problems with it before… So why would I now? And I know that there are so many things to be grateful for like an education and food and a new battery in my car. But all I can seem to do right now is complain about everything.
    I also think about people being set up to work. From the moment we start school, we are simply working towards reaching another point or deadline (i.e. going to high school to get into college, going to college to get a job). Like we accomplish something only to attempt to reach another goal in life. We never achieve our ultimate goal because we don’t have one; we’re constantly working toward the next goal. (that was really wordy lol, sorry)

    Sorry I just poured my heart out here, y’all, but I feel much better with it all out lol!

  • llamalina January 9th, 2013 10:45 PM

    Naomi, your New Year’s sounded beautiful, and I love your sort-of New Year’s resolution.

    “Getting wasted is stupid and some fun.” Katherine, words were never so well said. If my school had senior quotes, I’d so use that. Or try to use that, and then get rejected, and have to go with something else. But that’d be my first choice.

    Ruby, I completely know how you feel. Some days I feel like the world is swallowing me whole, and everything is stupid, and I have to scratch and claw just to be able to get myself out of bed.

    “I put my favorite shoes on just to marvel at how they love my feet” Nandi, I love that. You are hilarious and beautiful at the same time always.

  • claire_eliz January 9th, 2013 10:46 PM

    Ruby, you just described me. So really, I can’t give you any great advice, because I don’t know what to do myself. Keep going to CVS. Makeup is good. It’s amazing. Buy everything. I’m so sorry things are tough, and I know what it feels like to not want to do anything. To not even go through this cycle we call life. But I know you can do it. And, maybe, we won’t have to merely “survive” and get through life. Hopefully there will be a time where you are doing something you love, and you are truly happy. I know you will be. But first, we have to get through this terrible part in the middle where things are blah and everything kinda sucks. Stay strong <3

  • Clare January 9th, 2013 11:12 PM

    Britney, are you secretly me writing this diary from the past?? You remind me EXACTLY of me in middle school! We feel things and we think things and we like things and we like PEOPLE, but when we actually share these things that we are thinking and feeling and liking, we get trompled into the ground with the judgment! I think it is hella brave of you to be up front about your feminism, because eighth graders are brutal critics, and I never had the guts to say anything until this year (my sophomore year in high school! I’m ashamed) And with your crush problems, grrl, my friends did the same thing. BE REALLY RUDE AND OBVIOUS. And I’m not gonna say it won’t matter in a few years, because even if it won’t, it matters now. So all I will say is good luck, just give your friends condescending looks and say “Really?” and then glide away. Hugs<3

    • Britney January 30th, 2013 7:03 PM

      Thank you! This helped a lot.

  • grandmajade January 9th, 2013 11:18 PM

    nandi, i loved your post. i could almost feel the verve and energy of your words. there are so many possibilities this year and all others. seize it and never lose that gusto for living!

  • Britney January 9th, 2013 11:35 PM

    Ruby, I can relate to you SO much right now that it’s not even funny. Great diary entry.

  • Narnie January 10th, 2013 2:03 AM

    Ruby, that exact feeling that the consensus of society is that a person’s purpose is to get a job blah etc., is one I also have all the time and find extremely depressing. I don’t know how it can be less depressing for you (because I don’t know how to make it less depressing for me) but you have company here. Hang in there.

  • Dino January 10th, 2013 3:58 AM

    Ruby- sending hugs and love. I think I speak for everybody: All the Rookies totally have your back!!! <3
    I think there's a typo in Ruby's entry in paragraph 5 right at the beginning. It says AND instead of AM.

    This is off the topic and it did happen, like 3 months ago but I only found out about it today. Ikea in Saudi Arabia pretty much deleted all the women in their ads, leaving only the men or just the furniture. Disgusting!!!! This great article gives some more info…


  • justsomeone January 10th, 2013 5:51 AM

    ‘Unwell, half a person, stuck like I have been before’ Naomi, I just don’t know what to say. That is a huge, intense fear I have that is with me all the time. And then you go on to say that ‘I was reminded of everything I did have, of things that had taken me so long to build up from a place of almost nothing’. What can I say. This is crazy. Crazy-good. Thankyou Naomi. I know that jumble of thoughts is probably confusing but it makes perfect sense to me somehow.

  • i-skreeeeam January 10th, 2013 9:08 AM

  • Dayzee January 10th, 2013 10:39 AM

    Wow Ruby, I know what you mean about people having no other option that to go to school then uni then get a job. I’m always thinking about that and it angers me so much! Like how we don’t have choice, it’s what we have to do…

  • raftingstarlit January 10th, 2013 12:02 PM

    Ruby- you’re not alone, almost every teenager goes through that (including me), so hang in there!

  • redheadjess January 10th, 2013 12:03 PM

    Woah, Ruby I can totally relate to your entry!

  • ruby January 10th, 2013 3:13 PM

    Ruby (great name by the way) – I have bouts of feeling the same way as you do, but there’s this quote which I always think of when I’m fed up with school/ people/ whatever:
    ‘The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Hell of Heaven, a Heaven of Hell’ – ie: screw everything and everybody else, it’s up to you whether you’re happy or not.

    ps: That quote is actually something Satan says in Paradise Lost, but, to clear the record, I’m not a Satanist – it’s just a good quote!

  • margharita January 10th, 2013 4:22 PM

    Ruby, I totally get you, and think you should read Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search For Meaning. It won’t necessarily solve your problem, but it will definitely answer your question. <3

  • nicholo94 January 10th, 2013 6:53 PM

    Britney- I’m so sorry! Elementary school was like that for me–everytime I liked a guy and told a friend about it, everybody (or at least the boy) seemed to find out about it. Just remember that middle school sucks and that the people are insecure so they look to hurt/belittle other people (like what they have been doing to you) so that they can feel better about their pathetic lives. In a semester you will be in high school where a lot of that drama will go away and you will find your real friends! Stay strong and we are all rooting for you here at ROokie!

    Ruby- I’m also very sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Last year, my junior year, was like that for me. I literally did not want to do anything and I hated everything. Freshman year is a hard time for everyone. The best advice that I can give you is to talk to your family about your feelings and try to go see a therapist. I also think that maybe going on an antidepressant would help you. Exercise, even if it’s just a walk in the park, can be very therapeutic as well. I hope to see a happier diary entry next week! <3

  • GJtheDJ January 10th, 2013 9:52 PM

    I appreciate your battle with writing truthfully and prettily. It portrays that you really do try to write honestly without masking the ugly. ‘Cause sometimes the truth ain’t pretty, but needs to be told.

  • rhymeswithorange January 10th, 2013 10:26 PM

    Ruby, you sound like my good friend who has depression. She had a lot happen to her in three years, and then she just broke- just like you, she stopped liking everything. She’s on meds, and some days are definitely better than others. I hope you get the help you need!
    P.S., from a school perspective (I know yech), it’s okay to not be awesome freshman year, all you can go from there is up!

  • Imogen-Rose January 11th, 2013 7:21 PM

    Ruby – I send you a thousand bunny kisses and I hope you feel better. <3

  • diniada13 January 12th, 2013 6:02 AM

    Ruby, I’m sorry what you’ve been through <3 sometimes I feel that too. But if you think your life is pointless, MAKE a point. Do/be something amazing that when you're very old, you'll look back feeling proud about it. Look around for good little things in life because sometimes we're too busy searching for big happiness.
    I just found this beautiful article, and just reading it makes me happy. Maybe it'll work for you :)

  • christinabee January 13th, 2013 7:59 PM

    Ruby- you are my favorite diarist and it breaks my heart that you’re feeling this way. It sounds like you might not have a lot of people in school telling you this kind of thing, but while you might need some things like good grades and jobs in order to support yourself and survive, you can only really prosper when you’re taking care of yourself and doing what makes you work as a person. Good grades and jobs will come when you’re doing what you like to do, and that’s not just surviving. I just graduated from art school two years ago and it seemed really overwhelming to have to survive completely on my own, but just yesterday someone asked me if it was really hard to work on my own work after having to have three jobs in order to pay rent on my apartment and studio, buy groceries, etc. and then I realized that my answer was “no” because to make my work is what I love to do. Joseph Campbell says “follow your bliss, and the rest will follow” and I try to think about that when things seems like they’re really hard or like I’m wasting time doing pointless things I don’t enjoy just to survive. I just wanted to speak to your feelings about having to drudge through school, and more school, and the a job just to survive more than to give you any unwanted advice. Once you’ve taken care of yourself right now and can start to enjoy things again you’ll find a path you want to take at least for that time being and that will be the right way to go for then. I dont want to trivialize your worries, but I hope you can worry about it a little less.

  • Lizmaster3000 January 15th, 2013 9:01 AM

    KATHERINE when/howd u get a fake??! and yeah thats a lot of how i felt when i was forced to go back to school on January 2nd. yeah, it sucks kind of. But the good news is that i watched Tiny Furniture last saturday night alone and it was so amazing. my drunk friends most certainly didn’t have as good of a night as i did.

  • 3LL3NH January 17th, 2013 8:29 PM

    Naomi, you’re so strong. I read your journals every week, I relate so very often, and hearing your clarity and strength makes me feel like more of a person… a hopeful, understood, and yes, stronger person. Thank you for sharing; I’ll remember with you.

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica May 28th, 2013 3:07 PM

    It was such a pleasure to read these entries. I’m almost five months late, but still. <3s to everyone. Keep on keepin' on. I've never met you but III LAAAAAHV U!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxo

    • Cutesycreator aka Monica May 28th, 2013 3:08 PM

      PS Forgive me – ’twas a pleasure not only to read, but to see! I always love your diary entries, Caitlin! <3 <3 <3