Dear Diary

January 30, 2013

Surprises and disappointments and Samantha Jones.


The snow disappeared this morning, which was as refreshing as the first day it fell. The pavements had become ice rinks, and the slush was getting into my shoes too easily, which discouraged me from making that extra effort to venture out. When I did, I found myself out of breath, exhaling puffs of white air while being uncomfortably aware of the way I was holding my body so as not to slip. I seemed to be struggling to keep my balance a lot this week.

I’ve been writing privately about recollections that might be dull for other people, like pages and pages about a single trip to the pub. I wanted to remember absolutely everything, because it was one of those rare hours when everything comes together, and not much existed outside our small ecosystem. A year ago I would not have been comfortable in such a bustling social situation; it reminds me of the confidence I have gained. And here were some of the first proper friends I’ve had in my life, whom I don’t talk about enough with you.

Writing with a reader in mind is a lot harder, because there are so many details about my life that I take for granted, but that need to be explained to others. I wish my words could take you with me on my walks to college and to the pub and in the snow. My eyes are blind to everything they’ve seen on a regular basis—things that would be utterly new to a stranger. I don’t always know which details are important.

But my brain still begs me for time and space to myself, and then I feel ungrateful. This balancing act between being connected and disconnecting myself, though it seems like nothing, is tiring. This thing inside my skull truly is a muscle, and it’s working out way too much. I ended the week lazy and lethargic. I hope this mood doesn’t last, and I hope that the lack of snow makes it easier to catch my balance. ♦


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  • feldma4 January 30th, 2013 7:31 PM

    These were all interesting to read. I’ve never gotten into SATC but now I might just have to. And as for Britney’s, I totally understand how you’re feeling. I often feel like no one gets it, and even though i feel very ~teen angst~ my feelings are valid. I usually express the things I can’t say through my zine, through collaging, etc. It helps, and i get better artwork out of it!

  • Ms.O January 30th, 2013 7:38 PM

    Britney, I feel for you. I have very few people in my life who get what I’m talking about, and when they do I think I may get overly excited. I hope you feel better about it all, I’m trying to feel better about my (similar) situation also right now. Also I wanted to say to Naomi that your piece was lovely and very well written.

  • AnaRuiz January 30th, 2013 7:44 PM

    Aaaaaaa Neomi I fall more in love with you every Wednesday.

  • kolumbia January 30th, 2013 7:48 PM

    Britney, I feel you, girl. Sometimes, you just have to say, “No, you’re not getting it,” and keep talking until the person gets it, other times you have to give up, and that sucks. I hope that you’ll find somebody who gets you and be happy!

    Also, where’s Nandi??

    • Anaheed January 31st, 2013 6:19 AM

      Nandi’s not writing for us anymore.

      • farawayfaerie January 31st, 2013 2:13 PM

        don’t make me cry :’( someone please tell me why?

        • Anaheed January 31st, 2013 2:25 PM

          We explained it here, in last week’s diary post.

        • farawayfaerie February 3rd, 2013 8:00 AM

          aw no, that’s horrible. I’ll miss her posts, but plagiarism is so wrong.

  • moonchild January 30th, 2013 7:51 PM

    oh my god ruby the starkid reference <3

  • GlitterKitty January 30th, 2013 8:33 PM

    Naomi, that was some awesome writing you did this week. I feel like the the last line was some sort of metaphor and you were talking about a metaphorical balance as well as a physical balance. Either way it was awesome.

    And Ruby’s video of her grandpa was absolutely adorable. Happy Birthday and happy driving!

  • lizzyheinie January 30th, 2013 8:37 PM

    Katherine, I’m not so sure I’m a SATC fan, but in high school five or six of my friends and I would meet every week to watch Pretty Little Liars! We’d have potlucks for the premieres and finales, and we were so good at figuring everything out… basically, it was the best and watching TV shows with your friends is also the best thing ever. (Literally The Best Thing Ever?)

  • Ermy January 30th, 2013 8:46 PM

    I literally can’t get over that Porsche video.


    So much joy.

    I can’t take it.

  • forevernymph January 30th, 2013 8:50 PM

    Britney, I feel the same way VERY often. It wasn’t until this past New Year’s that I met people that understood me. I met 40+ year old college professors that treated me (a 14 year old middle school student) as an equal. They understood my every motive and thought and I couldn’t believe it.
    It was incredibly amazing to have found people like this, no matter how different they were on the outside. I thought I’d never find anyone and yet I did. Don’t give up hope, because I can promise that there’s someone else like you out there…they may just not always be who you expected them to be.

  • katiebell929929 January 30th, 2013 10:57 PM

    Britney, you just took all of my thoughts from my head and wrote them beautifully, thank you. A girl i know even told me “Katie, you just need someone that understands you” and i tend to come off as really dark and mean when i don’t know what to say. Anyway, Britney I love you and thank you.

  • llamalina January 30th, 2013 10:59 PM

    britney, i feel everything that you are feeling.

  • julalondon January 31st, 2013 2:48 AM

    Ok Katherine, THIS is PERFECTION! I absolutely love love LOVE Sex and the City and your piece was just how i feel about it, expecially Samantha. I wish i was living where you live, ’cause a SATC-Club would be the most wonderful thing EVER!!! Oh and YAY, Cosmopolitans!!!=)

  • Lindi January 31st, 2013 11:27 AM

    IT’S A PUPPY N’aww Ruby this is so lovely<3

  • casper January 31st, 2013 2:37 PM

    To be honest, I’m not a huge SATC fan because I find almost every character except for Samantha pretty annoying (except for Baryshnikov and Charlotte’s gay friend). And while I am not a huge fan of the other members of the main cast, I ADORE Samantha. They’ll be at lunch and everyone is whining about something stupid and then Samantha comes in and makes a totally-inappropriate-yet-somehow-perfect sex joke. My favorite Samantha moment is when Charlotte whispers, “You know, making love,” and then Samantha goes, “You mean fucking?”

    Anyway, my mom met Kim Cattrall once pre-SATC and I thought it would please you all to know that she is EXACTLY the same in real life.

  • Annie at Cher Ami January 31st, 2013 3:11 PM

    aww ruby, that is amazing, i loved your video!i hope your grandfather had a good birthday!

  • Caitlin H. January 31st, 2013 3:36 PM

    Aww Ruby, that video is so lovely!

  • Flicts Girl February 1st, 2013 10:13 AM

    I totally get Britney’s feelings.I have already been in a place where I had no friends at all.I changed school (for other reasons but thank God) and I found these new friends who are very good to me and then recently I realized none of them REALLY gets me.They get close sometimes, but they just don’t.


  • TropicanaLuxx February 17th, 2013 3:09 PM

    Britney I totally feel you :( <3