Time seems to be going by very fast. One moment I’m in class on a Monday morning; I blink and I’m in bed the next Sunday, wondering what went on in between. If I think hard I can remember some events, but none of my thoughts. They go by so quick.
I read somewhere that life is slower in the beginning, so by the time you are 20, the average person is done with half their consciousness. At this rate I’ll be 60 any second.
Individual minutes take forever, mostly because I am usually in school and I hate school, but everything else is fleeting and very stressful. I’m overwhelmed by all the things I have to do and the people I must talk to.
I’m supposed to be a carefree teenager who has her whole life ahead of her and the whole world to explore, but I am way too caught up in the urgency of each moment to think about the future. Everything just keeps coming at me and I frantically try to keep up. Everything is last minute. The worst part is, I don’t even have that much to do! It just seems to take me forever to get my thoughts in order and complete one task. And since I never have forever, I just constantly think and work and worry.
My mind is very crowded but my life really isn’t. My interest in things vanished several months ago. I still write stories and play in a band, but I don’t enjoy them anymore. I do them because they are what I do, and if I stopped doing everything, I couldn’t justify feeling overwhelmed.
I’m becoming numb to the outside world and hypersensitive to my own thoughts. I rarely get angry, but I’m always anxious. Anger is an outward reaction to things that upset you; anxiety is anger and fear turned inward.
I stay up extremely late feeling busy but doing nothing, and I wake up tired. Getting out of bed is the most tiring thing in the world. I wish I could stay in my bed forever. That would be very nice. Then I could sleep and not think about anything.
I’m all over the place, kind of like this entry, with random thoughts in a random order. I won’t be surprised if I blink and it’s next week and none of this makes sense even to me. ♦