Dear Diary

January 23, 2013

KATHERINE SAW BIEBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and some other stuff happened.


You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories…. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.
—Anne Lamott

Over the past few months, I have found many ways of letting go. Writing this diary may be one of those ways. I am trying to build up the nerve to write about something that happened, but part of me feels scared and part of me feels stupid. Part of me feels like a child with too many feelings.

But let me not lie or hide anymore. I have wasted too much thinking on this particular incident—but less and less so each day, like an unwinding clock that must eventually come to a stop. I wasn’t thinking about him; I was thinking about me. I was thinking about my part in this game, and how playing it changed parts of me that I had thought immutable.

Part of what lured me into the game that it was the first time this had properly happened to me—this being connecting in that way with another human being (or so I thought). I felt warm inside, full, floating. It wasn’t really him, it was the experience that was enamouring. Now that all feels like a complete illusion, but back then it felt intensely real. That was October. By November I was lost.

He was only one person among billions, but still, kissing him seemed incredibly important. Eventually he said he didn’t want to “mess [me] around” because I was “too nice for that”—like he thought I was some fragile little bird that couldn’t fend for itself. A number of things he said made me angry, but that was the biggest one.

I hung on to my feelings for him a lot longer than I wanted to. They had somehow become deeply embedded in such a short time. I think it is possibly one of the worst feelings to care about someone more than they care about you. It doesn’t help when they are dishonest. It makes you feel weak and helpless.

That already feels like a long time ago. Now it’s just a blot on the setting sun of last year. I’m not sure if I learned anything from it, but part of me feels like it knows something new.


Sitting downstairs in Dad’s study, watching the snow tumbling down while my little black cat eats his lunch at my feet.

I know that I’ve had this feeling before. This “Do I like him?” feeling. And I did turn out to like him a lot. It could happen again. I still don’t know the answer. My friends usually know that I like someone before I do.

Of course it is possible to feel those feelings again, for someone completely different. I both don’t want it to feel the same with a new person, and do want it to feel just as exciting and new as that one did.

I’ll see how it goes. The snow is still falling. ♦


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  • Flyer January 23rd, 2013 7:09 PM

    Katherine’s last full paragraph = hilarious and amazing. Thank you for that cultural moment.

  • Yazmine January 23rd, 2013 7:19 PM

    I find Ruby’s entry so intriguing <3

  • CombatOwl January 23rd, 2013 7:42 PM

    I can totally relate to how Ruby feels. Its like you’re so exhausted but there’s nothing to be exhausted about.

  • Katherine January 23rd, 2013 7:52 PM

    Katherine’s entry is so funny, and Nandi’s is so true. Overall great entries this week.

  • care-n January 23rd, 2013 8:21 PM

    This is just >> me.

    You kind of become lazy to talk with everybody you know, and I keep navigating on internet so I can learn something useful, criative or event just find some any exciting thing, in sorta of way. As Ruby, I’m up all night, wake up so tired for life and I feel guilty.
    And it’s so hard to change that.

    The weird part is that since today morning I was feeling so bored and now I’m ok.

    Pergunta: Alguém do Brasil?

  • rookielaura January 23rd, 2013 8:25 PM

    Ruby, your 4th paragraph expresses my feelings about my current state of anxiety better than I ever could. thanks

  • sophiethewitch January 23rd, 2013 8:31 PM

    Ruby just expressed all of the panic and inadequacy and apathy I’m feeling right now. (How can you be panicked and apathetic at the same time?)

  • Booklover97 January 23rd, 2013 8:35 PM

    I really liked the posts today, especally ruby’s and Nandi’s.

  • AllieBee January 23rd, 2013 8:36 PM

    I love reading these diaries when I’m sick!

  • AmyL January 23rd, 2013 8:57 PM

    Ruby’s entry was so relevant to my life right now!

  • Emilie January 23rd, 2013 9:17 PM


  • ___ellarose January 23rd, 2013 9:25 PM

    aw ruby :( the overwhelming anxiety over something that you don’t even know what it’s about, really hits home. I feel for you it’s really hard to explain.

  • noqa January 23rd, 2013 9:32 PM

    Oh Naomi, the exact same thing is happening with me right now and I’m also trying to get myself to write about it but I feel so silly when I do.

  • comeonalex January 23rd, 2013 9:51 PM

    Ruby and Britney’s entries felt so real for me and what I’ve been feeling lately: I feel really lost in my life and I don’t know what to do and they reflected that really amazingly. And Nandi’s was just awesome and it made me feel powerful, so thanks for that :)

  • Blou January 23rd, 2013 10:58 PM

    KATHERINE!!! Can we be best friends? Because seriously I need someone to share my unabashed Bieber joy. You’re entry was so funny; brought up my finals-week-death mood. :)

    Also loved Ruby’s diary, expressed a lot of things I’ve found myself thinking about in a better way than I’ve known how.

  • llamalina January 23rd, 2013 11:26 PM

    katherine, your entry made me laugh so hard. after years and years of denial, i think i’m starting to warm up to the biebs. not quite a fan, but he’s not that bad.

  • MichelleCarneece January 24th, 2013 1:08 AM

    I’m twenty-two and I was absolutely falling to pieces over how amazing it was! Although I did embarrass myself by how hard I was grooving to “Out Of Town Girl”. Whatever. Glad to know that someone else enjoyed the hell out of the show…as well as survived the raging fire that occurred midway through, amirite?

  • Killjoy January 24th, 2013 2:53 AM

    Ruby, your diary entry is my favorite of all time. It’s so honest and relatable.

  • Nomali January 24th, 2013 4:43 AM

    Ruby’s entry is my life for the last few years. Growing up is hard and everything is just so fast and so slow and not going the way I want it to. Unlike her I stopped. I think I was 18/19, I stopped caring if Nickelback had a new song or if the idea in my hand sounded like a good story or something I wanted people to hear. Sometimes I feel like right back there but I most of the time I’m just drifting along.

  • EmilyJn January 24th, 2013 11:26 AM

    Naomi, Annie Lamott is one of my favourite authors! I’ve never met anyone – particularly living in England – who has ever heard of her. I’ve learnt so much from her writing.

  • Annie at Cher Ami January 24th, 2013 11:28 AM

    Britney i know exactly what you mean, living in a dream sounds so perfect right now!

  • frannyglass January 24th, 2013 11:51 AM

    Caitlin, I really love your illustrations – they’re amazing! And also, I wish my late night thoughts would result in something creative.

    • Caitlin H. January 25th, 2013 1:16 PM

      FRANNYGLASS !! Best name ever, ahhhhh Salinger!! That is my peak time, you just have to find yours- always carry round a notebook and doodle when you have the time or feel inspired/motivated! Also bus journeys, they are the best time.

  • minnow January 24th, 2013 12:03 PM

    Naomi, that’s exactly how I’m feeling at the moment, your writing made me a bit tearful because I know exactly what it’s like. I’ve been messed around for a while now and it’s so soul crushing… I know I’ll eventually get over it but its hard to imagine right now

    • Naomi Morris January 24th, 2013 3:30 PM

      you should definitely email me so we can talk about this and SHARE COPING MECHANISMS. I WANNA HELP. you WILL eventually be fine, you will eventually be BETTER than fine

      • minnow January 28th, 2013 12:41 PM

        Aw thankyou, I hope so, its getting better every day :)

  • heyashes January 24th, 2013 2:25 PM

    Wow, I can relate so much to Ruby’s entry. It makes me feel more at ease now that I’ve found out that so many people feel the same as I do in the comments section.

  • LouderBlues January 24th, 2013 5:20 PM

    Oh Ruby I feel like you do now too often. During this semester there were days when I couldn’t literally get out of bed and go to school. I knew I had to pull myself together but I couldn’t bring myself to do it…until one day I simply did. Just like that.

    What I mean with all this is that it goes away. Sooner or later it does.

    Sometimes we just need to lose ourselves completly to rise again.

  • dukesilver January 24th, 2013 8:25 PM

    I find it so strange to read these and feel like I’m reading my own thoughts.
    Naomi, I hope things get better. I know how you’re feeling.

  • nickz January 25th, 2013 12:07 PM

    Naomi,I really liked your diary entry very personal and Katherine that was so funny.Britney I like in a big city and I agree with you.

    • Britney January 27th, 2013 1:39 AM

      I’m so glad that someone agrees! I was telling some people about this and they thought that it was weird that I wasn’t always excited to live in a big city.

  • TropicanaLuxx January 25th, 2013 1:56 PM

    Katherine you are getting me dangerous-excited!!!!!!! Justin Bieber is performing in my country (South Africa) in May (my birthday month) for the first time and this is the only thing I am living for rn. I listen to Beauty & a Beat on my iPod & think I will be hearing this golden voice from this angel IRL in a couple of months. :)))))

    p.s. loved your entry, but what’s new?

  • Mayabett January 25th, 2013 9:28 PM

    Thanks for that entry, Ruby!
    I spent yesterday freaking out about how I will possibly finance an apartment in Manhattan when I graduate from college. (I am not even in college yet, mind you.)
    Maybe it was just PMS…but I was having a panic attack. How do people pay for everything in their adult lives???

    My mom helped me calm down, but, you know, still. Can’t help but freak out about the future.

  • gretagreta January 26th, 2013 3:47 AM

    Ruby your entry was SO relevant to what I’m feeling right now. Here is a giant virtual hug! I was wondering if someone could explain to me about Nandi’s post? I never read it and would like to know what exactly happened with the partial plagiarism? (apologies if this is a bit taboo)

    Loads and loads of love to Rookie<3

  • asylum January 26th, 2013 11:13 AM

    I love Diaries <3

  • tturnthenoiseon January 29th, 2013 2:26 PM

    I loved all of these – especially Ruby’s. It’s like my exact thoughts put into words

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica June 2nd, 2013 11:44 AM

    Sigh, life…