Dear Diary

January 2, 2013

Turning the page.


Christmas felt very different this year. This realization swept through my mind whilst feeling very adult and mellow throughout all the typical Christmas experiences and rituals—the Christmas-tree needles on the floor, Mum’s birthday celebration, finding my stocking, listening nonstop to Sufjan Stevens, and the excitement and magic of Christmas Eve (which actually didn’t make much of an appearance). I went through the motions, trying to let it all wash over me. But of course it feels different, because I feel different.

I have been limping through life like an injured animal. I am nursing myself in the best way I know how—by putting the brakes on everything and staying indoors a lot—but that doesn’t make me happy, just safe. I feel withdrawn right now, like my orbit is getting smaller, moving inward, farther and farther away from everybody else’s.

I’ve survived by leafing through Sister Wendy Beckett books. Listening to her speak about my favourite painters has really made me think more about the concept of “art,” and about getting something much deeper from it than just being aesthetically pleased. I’ve become slightly enamored of Van Gogh, and on Sunday, I knew I needed to see the only original Van Gogh near me. It’s a tiny little thing, but I always put my face close to it and see the texture of the brush strokes, noticing something new every time. I don’t know, I like little things like this. It makes my soul feel fulfilled. ♦


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  • MissKnowItAll January 2nd, 2013 7:13 PM

    Can I submit drawings for the diaries or anything in general to go with articles Anaheed?

    • Anaheed January 2nd, 2013 11:31 PM

      The only drawings we use for diaries are Caitlin’s visual diaries, but anyone who wants to submit drawings can send them to

  • lylsoy January 2nd, 2013 7:47 PM

    Nandi, I love you. You can have my mascara, always. Butonlyif I crawl under the cupboard…
    PS: I can’t wait for this new year with rookie <3

  • Promesa January 2nd, 2013 8:17 PM

    My “best friend” isn’t talking to me either, she says I’ve changed too much…

  • Laura Lemon January 2nd, 2013 8:24 PM

    My personal philosophy has always been that having one close best friend is better than having a bunch of friends. And having a few best friends that are your best friends for different reasons is Literally the Best Thing Ever. Especially when said friends happen to be Potterheads, Sherlockians, Whovians and Hitchhikers.

    • moonchild January 2nd, 2013 9:20 PM


    • MegW January 2nd, 2013 9:24 PM

      I agree! I share a lot of nerdy things with my very best friend. (She recently turned me into a Whovian!)

  • DANNI January 2nd, 2013 8:26 PM

    i always feel like i under-appreciate my friends and it’s really awkward because there’s no handbook that tells you the right amount of gratitude to show and what’s kissing ass and what’s not.

    and to anyone that’s like ‘scoff eighth grade is nothing’, as a fellow nyc eighth grader going to a ‘gifted and talented’ school (aw, how cute), IT IS INTENSELY STRESSFUL. (i think i can speak for britney on this) OUR FATE IS BEING REVEALED IN FEBRUARY! the high schools admissions process is a huge deal, and so are accelerated classes and every snooty-nosed fart that’s like ‘omg 96 is a fail’ when you’re sitting at your desk with a big fat 96 in front of you. (maybe that is just at my school) (yeah)

  • makeawish3653 January 2nd, 2013 8:48 PM

    Nandi, your entries make me smile :D

  • babyybat January 2nd, 2013 9:09 PM

    nandi, you are amazing, d-dawg.

  • Eryn January 2nd, 2013 9:12 PM

    Caitlin, I love your diary, as always. Naomi, you write so beautifully! And Ruby, best friend appreciation is great! I think I’ll write mine a sappy text now! Katherine, escaping to the wilderness sounds nice right about now. Britney, I sinccerely wish you the best with friends and school! Nandi, your entry made me laugh out loud.

  • llamalina January 2nd, 2013 10:14 PM

    Caitlin, that collage is so, so gorgeous.

    “I feel withdrawn right now, like my orbit is getting smaller, moving inward, farther and farther away from everybody else’s.”

    Naomi, I completely know how you feel. I’ve been so lonely lately, like I need to curl up into myself. I’ve been spending a lot of time alone, just trying to reorganize everything and think.

    Nandi, you’re amazing and hilarious.

  • arorab January 3rd, 2013 5:43 AM

    Naomi im feeling the same at the the moment and its terrible

  • WitchesRave January 3rd, 2013 9:36 AM

    I will arise and go now, for always night and day
    I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
    While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
    I hear it in the deep heart’s core.

    Yeats is a beautiful poet, I just wish i didnt have to study his poems in school, I hate analyzing poetry in class..

  • junebug January 3rd, 2013 10:48 PM

    Britney: the only 8th grader who makes a casual reference to Sisyphus in a diary entry.