Dear Diary

January 16, 2013

High highs and low lows.



Being strong for other people is making me weak. I am tired. I am tired. I am goddamn tired. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be strong for my friends, but I can’t willingly let them drink from my fountain when they’re CONSTANTLY thirsty and don’t let me take a sip from theirs.

I have a friend who is always having problems with her family and in her relationships. Basically, she is broken. She will ask for my help/guidance/shoulder even when I am at my saddest, and I, being the loving friend that I am, give it to her without question. That’s what you would do, too, right? Right. Now, when I do a “good deed” for someone, I expect nothing in return. But when I am in the dumps and someone else can clearly see that, I need them to do the same for me. I am seldom in the dumps, so the few times that I am are the worst.

This week, it’s as if depression knocked on my heart’s door and when my heart opened, it came right in and made itself at home. Then it decided to overstay its welcome. I told my friend about it in an email, and her response was “Oh, come on, Nandi, you’re strong. You can deal with this.” Was she seriously thinking I didn’t need her, or was she just too lazy? I never replied. ♦


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  • comeonalex January 16th, 2013 7:34 PM

    Oh, Nandi I’m so sorry. Your diaries are consistently my favorite, and I relate so much to everything you post. Ugh, girl I just feel everything you feel, especially with this one- it’s the absolute worst when you comfort people and they don’t even try to help you. I just want to give you a hug and tell you it’ll all be better eventually

  • MissKnowItAll January 16th, 2013 7:48 PM

    Nandi. Let’s be friend because I’n 100% sure you’re my spirit animal

  • llamalina January 16th, 2013 8:14 PM

    caitlin, god, that just pretty much sums up everything right now perfectly.

    katherine, though i adore amusement parks, i totally get what you mean about the first week of school. it’s just downhill from there.

    ruby, i don’t blame you. if i could, i’d probably never leave my room.

    nandi, i hope you feel better. you’re totally (strong) and hilarious, but even the strongest deserve someone to lean on.

  • Leigh January 16th, 2013 10:33 PM

    Oh Nandi </3
    I can completely relate… my whole month of December was spent either: 1) helping my friends (and people I barely knew) deal with their problems and 2) leaving class to cry in the bathroom, going home at night to cry… and pretty much breaking down all the time to have my friends pull the whole "well MY day was WAY worse"…
    BUT on the positive side, it should only get better from here <3 From what it sounds like, you've hit rock-bottom and things should get better, I swear!

    • Nandi January 17th, 2013 5:56 PM

      Leigh, thank you very much. Sending you positive vibes for the rest of this month. I hope it holds you in all the right places. X

  • Jessica W January 16th, 2013 10:59 PM

    Ruby, I just want to give you a hug

    The Lovelorn

  • Mintvirgin January 16th, 2013 11:34 PM

    Caitlin, I love your drawings soooo much! wonderful!
    I like reading Diaries because they explain character and mood of owners. I wait for every Wednesday because Rookie publish Diaries! Thank you!

  • Blythe January 16th, 2013 11:39 PM

    Britney–for your screenplay resolution, you should participate in Script Frenzy in April!

  • avisanti January 16th, 2013 11:49 PM

    I can relate to you, Ruby. x

  • julalondon January 17th, 2013 2:56 AM

    I’m so happy for you, Naomi! xxx

  • karastarr32 January 17th, 2013 3:55 AM

    I love your illustration this week, Caitlin. Also, I am feeling both Ruby and Nandi. <3

  • purrr January 17th, 2013 5:12 AM

    Katherine, that teacher sounds absolutely disgusting, if I were the exchange student I’d get really offended! And I’m already offended at the “feminism” and “gender theory”. Ugh, I’d call her out on her bullshit IMMEDIATELY. Like “listen, mrs whatever, what’s your problem? Gender theory isn’t a joke, but you sure are.”

    I guess I have a big mouth.

  • Sorcha M January 17th, 2013 5:39 AM

    Katherine’s brother sounds like a really cool dude

  • emine January 17th, 2013 8:31 AM

    Nandi oh my god I’m pretty sure you tore a page out of my diary. I hope you find someone who listens to you soon <3

    • Nandi January 17th, 2013 5:53 PM

      Oh but I already have! (All of you) <3

  • chiara_ January 17th, 2013 8:35 AM

    Naomi, I love every diary entry of yours so much it hurts. Glad to hear you’ve had such a beautiful and vivid dream! I grew obsessed with dreams as I discovered what lucid dreams are – in them you can directly speak to your subconscious if you suddendly get aware of the fact you are actually sleeping. That’s pretty much having your soul telling you why your head is filled with chaos.

    • 3LL3NH January 17th, 2013 8:36 PM

      I feel the same about Naomi’s writing; it’s so real to me. What have you experienced with lucid dreaming? I’ve always loved the idea, but my dreams take me away; I’ve never been able to take them

  • Lorf96 January 17th, 2013 12:26 PM

    Nandi I can so relatex
    My best friend of 4 years was depressed the past year I was really there for her and then in September when I finally realised I’d been dealing with depression she wouldn’t help me. She’s just blocked me out; hang on in there the real friends give and take. It took me a long time to realise that much lovex

    • Nandi January 17th, 2013 5:50 PM

      I am so sorry to hear that. And you are absolutely right, the real ones come around soon enough!

  • Caitlin H. January 17th, 2013 2:15 PM

    Naomi, Katherine, Ruby, Britney, Nandi- I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

    • Naomi January 17th, 2013 3:40 PM

      i love you more AS YOU WELL KNOW

    • Nandi January 17th, 2013 5:47 PM


  • GlitterKitty January 17th, 2013 4:37 PM

    I just want to follow you all around with a sign that says “YOU ARE AMAZING AND YOU CAN DO IT!!”

  • farawayfaerie January 17th, 2013 4:49 PM

    Caitlin that’s exactly how i feel during exams…Good luck!!!

    Also…WANTED: Someone to simultaneously pee myself with due to an excess of snuggling. just saying…

  • VooDooPork January 20th, 2013 2:29 PM

    Nandi. Please, take it from someone who’s being there. Being a good friend does not mean giving until you do not have anything to give, and then giving some more. I personally find that the other side of the coin to giving unconditionally (which is admirable of you, by the way) is that people who take unconditionally will be attracted to you, like moths to fire.

    Now, I know you love your friends, but like in every relationship, it is important to set boundaries, you know what I mean? I hope you can find a way to balance the giving and taking in your personal life.

  • galaxia January 22nd, 2013 11:48 PM

    omg Ruby, i totally understand. i feel the same way right now.

  • dolly rhubarb January 29th, 2013 6:24 AM

    I have had the exactly same situation on my hands recently. My best friend broke up with her boyfriend, who she’d been with for 4 years, but they still talk every night etc. So it’s not ending, and I’ve recently gone back into severe depression so the idea that I’ll never be happy, she’ll never get over him and be happy, and that the situation may be something to cope with for a long time…IS STRESSFUL.
    She’s my bestest friend in the whole universe but I wish she’d listen to my advice for once, I am a little older and maybe wiser? xxx thanks for writing this