Live Through This

A Shrink to Fit

Finding the right therapist for you.

Step Four: Make your match.

After you’ve gotten the names and numbers of a few potential therapists, call each one and ask if they have experience working with clients who’ve gone through issues similar to yours. Don’t hesitate to ask about their background and their general therapeutic approach, and be frank about any concerns you have about payment policies.

Choosing a therapist is serious business. This is a person with whom you’ll likely share intimate details about your life, and in whose care you might invest considerable time, money, and energy. Your therapist works for you, so it’s important that you find someone who serves your needs. Here are the questions I always ask a potential therapist:

  • How long have you been working as a therapist?
  • What is your area of specialization? What issues do you have the most experience working with?
  • What kind of approach do you use in treatment?
  • Have you been to therapy yourself? (This is huge for me—I won’t go to a therapist who hasn’t dealt with their own stuff.)
  • Do you have experience working with people from my community/culture/background/religion/age?
  • How do you feel about alternative approaches like art therapy, music therapy, acupuncture, yoga, etc.?
  • Where are you located, and what hours do you work? Are you available for emergencies?
  • How much does each session cost? Do you work with insurance or provide sliding-scale options? Do I have to pay out of pocket, or do you deal directly with my insurance company?
  • What are your cancellation and vacation polices?

Now, that’s just my list; yours will probably be different. If you’re under 18, definitely add these two questions:

  • What are your legal obligations regarding parental involvement and consent?
  • What are your confidentiality guidelines for minors?

Anything is fine to ask. Your first session with a therapist should be like a job interview—where you’re interviewing them to see if they’ll get the job as your therapist. They expect this, so don’t feel weird. Some therapists don’t even charge for this first getting-to-know-you session.

After I ask prospective therapists the questions I mentioned, I usually have a good idea about whether we should move forward together. Personally, I need to actually like my therapist in order to trust them. I gravitate toward therapists who are both compassionate and honest. I prefer a relatively informal communication style, and I appreciate a therapist with a quick mind and a sense of humor. But everyone’s preferences are different. Go with your gut. If you have a weird feeling about a therapist, their communication style, or their vibe, keep looking for someone you feel comfortable with.

Once I find someone I think I’ll like, I give myself a three to four sessions to figure out if the pairing will work long term. Honestly, I approach my therapist relationship in the some of the same ways I do dating—without the romance. I expect the following things from a therapist:

  • They need to meet me on my own terms and not have an agenda beyond helping me feel better. I once had a therapist ask me inappropriate and judgmental questions about my feelings about abortion when I mentioned that I took Plan B. She also asked a lot of weird, loaded questions when I told her I was in an interracial relationship. I ended up leaving her because I couldn’t trust her advice or that she was interested in truly helping me. (This is the only therapist I have ever “fired” after more than a few sessions—the rest I had to leave because one of us moved, or my insurance provider or their insurance policy changed.)
  • My therapist needs to be an equal partner in our relationship. I refuse to work with anyone who abuses power dynamics and race/class/age privilege. I had one session with an older white man who treated every problem I told him about (like my resentful feelings about emotionally abusive ex-boyfriends) as a symptom of my race, gender, and age. He never actually listened to my feelings about what was going on with me. Needless to say, that was our only session.
  • My therapist must respect my boundaries, my investment, and my time. My boyfriend had a therapist who forgot he had a session with him, and then never called back to reschedule. He left my sweetie high and dry during his time of need, not to mention wasted his time when he could have been doing other things. Your therapist should respect your time just as much as you must honor theirs by paying a penalty for missing appointments or for last-minute cancellations.

Don’t let some of my less-than-stellar experiences scare you; I told you about them to help you avoid similar situations. Most therapists you will encounter will be competent, talented, compassionate, and supportive. But also, it’s important for you to know that it’s completely fine to make a switch when you feel that you’ve outgrown the relationship or if the partnership isn’t working for you for any reason.

I’m so happy that I was able, that one day in college, to turn off my dad’s voice in my head and make that phone call. Starting with my first session at the campus counseling center, therapy has improved every aspect of my life. I shudder to imagine where I’d be today without it.

My father still doesn’t understand why I need therapy. I don’t think he ever will. But he loves me, so he supports whatever I need to do to feel healthy and strong. And that’s enough for me, because one thing I’ve learned in my 10 years of therapy is to embrace my fears and to embrace my humanity, my vulnerability, and my flaws—which has helped me love all those things in others, including Dad.

Therapy taught me how to really deal with all the stuff I was raised to deny and suppress—until it came roaring to the surface and knocked me down completely. Don’t let that happen to you! It starts with one phone call. ♦

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52 Comments

  • spudzine January 8th, 2013 7:11 PM

    I find this really inspirational, because I know it must take guts to really tell people that you even considered, much less had therepy. I went to my school’d guidance counsler last year, but she honestly couldn’t care less about my feelings-she wanted everyone to be friends with her stuffed parrot. So, I decdied that talking to people who would consider my feelings as a legit thing helps.

    http://spudzine.tumblr.com/

    • Jamia January 8th, 2013 8:07 PM

      Spudzine, Thank you! I’m sorry to hear that you had a negative experience–you might want to check in with her and tell her that you want her to refer you to other care providers if you still want support.

  • MissKnowItAll January 8th, 2013 7:13 PM

    I honestly wish I could go to a therapist but I don’t have any money and my parents are dead set against the idea

    • Jamia January 8th, 2013 8:04 PM

      Do you have a school counselor you can talk to about options? Sending you support and well wishes.

      • MissKnowItAll January 8th, 2013 9:23 PM

        I’ve asked her about it, (I’m in high school) and she said I should see a therapist but like I said, I can’t pay for one. Is there a way to get free consultation?

    • Jessica W January 8th, 2013 9:31 PM

      Youth counselors are a lot cheaper (sometimes free) in comparison to therapists, and they can really help. You can find them at local churches.
      Hope you’re okay.

  • Marian January 8th, 2013 7:22 PM

    Thank you so much for this. It’s ridiculous the extent to which Rookie knows exactly what is going on with me right now. This is going to be really helpful.

    • Jamia January 8th, 2013 8:05 PM

      Thank you, wishing you the very best and hope you get the support you need ASAP xx

  • momobaby January 8th, 2013 8:11 PM

    Thank you for this perspective on therapy. I am really glad that you successfully found out, and I hope this helps other Rookie readers if they need it. I’ve thought about becoming a therapist and helping people, and I really appreciate this to think about.

    http://littlerebellia.blogspot.com

  • sparkleva January 8th, 2013 9:12 PM

    i have never even heard someone talk about what to do if you want therapy and don’t have the money, thank you so much!

  • i-like-autumn January 8th, 2013 9:12 PM

    Oh, Jamia, you are such a blessing.

    I would go to a therapist if my parents believed that I NEED a third party for working through everything. My younger sister has Actual Mental Illnesses On Paper and apparently, in my parent’s eyes, I’m Always On My Period. Plus, I’m supposed to be everyone’s ROCK and not really allowed to feel anything but constantly uplifting and happy… and well, I suppose you can imagine what that produces.

    I’m a cyber student, so there’s nothing for getting into contact with guidance counselors that are FOR getting help with stuff other than college… what do y’all recommend?

  • hufflepuffie January 8th, 2013 9:13 PM

    I think I might just be a bit emotional but this article and Marian’s comment above made me tear up. Rookie has just kept sending me all the right stuff at all the right times.

    I went to two therapists over the course of a year, my freshman year in high school. That year was rough for me and I couldn’t even admit to myself I had a problem but I was going to therapy for my parent’s divorce. The first lady was also seeing my mom and had seen me previously in a group seession so I felt so uncomfortable talking to her about unrelated topics. I switched to a male therapist shortly after that but even about 7 sessions in I was still way too uncomfortable to talk to him about what I was truly there for. Costing my parents about $700 dollars to cry and ask about the stuff in his room with seemingly no purpose to anyone involved.

    Is there any way you can suggest opening up about the things you’ve only shortly admitted to yourself are problems? Also, is there any way to show my parents I’m committed to getting the help I want this time?

    • adelia f January 9th, 2013 2:28 AM

      i went to three therapists in high school before finding one who helped me. sometimes it takes a while to find someone you feel comfortable opening up to. also, i have parents who are therapists (which may or may not have helped) but at the very least i knew from them that it’s totally not uncommon for someone to say, “i don’t think you’re the right person to help me. can you recommend someone else?” this seriously happens A LOT to all therapists. and they will have resources and networks available to help you find someone. also they should be able to recommend free public counseling services if money is a problem.

  • emilia.ct January 8th, 2013 9:32 PM

    Jamia, this is such a wonderful article. Thank you so much for writing it & sharing your experiences — I’m glad that therapy has worked out so well for you!!!

    Luckily, I can say the same for myself. I’ve been going to the same therapist, a lovely Israeli woman, since I was thirteen, and she has been tremendous. Not only did she help me get properly diagnosed with both depression and anxiety disorders (and therefore help me with the sort of medication I need to take), she has also been a great person whom I know I can trust.

    Of course, at the time I was only thirteen, so my mother was really the one who found her. But this is GREAT advice, especially since I know I can’t stay with the same therapist forever (alas!).
    Best of luck to everyone!!! xoxo

  • I.ila January 8th, 2013 9:33 PM

    I sort of teared up reading this. Don’t really know why though.
    How do you explain to parents who maybe don’t know what you’re feeling and going through except your grades are dropping that you need to talk to someone? My mom has always said that she doesn’t like people who cry a lot, not knowing that I cry everywhere almost every day. I’m more than a little scared to ask my parents. Should I ask my school advisor about this? I don’t even know that she knows all of my troubles, because we don’t get much time out of the group. What do rookies think I ought to do?

    • hufflepuffie January 8th, 2013 9:52 PM

      I think you should talk to your guidance counselor because you really don’t have to tell them anything more than your comfortable with but just that you’re looking for some guidance about where to go from that moment. Tell them (or write them an email of the thought of baring your feelings and problems is too much for words) specifically what you want so you can’t leave the office more confused about what to do than before you went in.

    • georgie fruit January 8th, 2013 9:57 PM

      the only way you can even find out if your mom will support you in getting help is to open up to her about your struggles. it is completely understandable that you’re scared. if you feel safe being honest with your parents, then you can try writing them a letter–I always find that to be easier than speaking because it gives me time to plan and organize my thoughts. but, like Jamia said, even if your parents disapprove of therapy or have negative views on mental illness, you should still seek the help YOU feel you need.

      if you don’t feel safe going to your parents, then try talking to your advisor. you don’t have to tell her all the details if you don’t want, but you can ask if your school has a support group or some other similar program. she might also know about local, affordable resources for youth that you can access without having to speak to your parents.

      and there is always the internet! Jamia provided some great links which you should check out! taking control of your mental health is incredibly brave, and my heart goes out to you.

  • katie January 8th, 2013 9:36 PM

    as soon as i saw my therapist’s beard, i knew he and i would be a good match and i’m happy to say i was right

  • Jessica W January 8th, 2013 9:37 PM

    This is a really great article. I think it’s good that Rookie is encouraging young people to not compress their emotions and seek help when they need it.
    The main issue with therapy is not the actual therapists though, but the cost.
    Sitting through therapy with “this is costing my parents/me x hundred dollars” is extremely detrimental to the possible success seeing a therapist could bring.

    The Lovelorn

  • mitch January 8th, 2013 9:40 PM

    thank you for this, I found it so informative and helpful :)

  • no_aloha January 8th, 2013 9:50 PM

    Thank you for this article. Seriously. This is pushing me to finding help with something that I’ve been struggling with for as long as I can remember. I’m 26, and just now am I considering taking action against my anxiety.

    My mom was also pretty anti-mental health therapy. I come from a long line of French women: we tend to prefer bottling things up and pretending they don’t exist. It’s comforting to know that IT’S OKAY to seek real help and not just “suck it up”.

  • puppyblew January 8th, 2013 9:53 PM

    Thanks for always knowing what to say, Rookie. I’m dealing with a lot of family and self-esteem issues, and I know I want to seek out support, but I’m always the rock. I listen to others talk about their problems, and suffer silently-it’s how I’ve always worked. It would take me a lot to truly open up to somebody I know, and I don’t know if I can justify having my family pay so much money to do that. Maybe now I can try to find somebody to talk to…

  • Devan January 8th, 2013 10:16 PM

    I literally just found my right therapist this morning.

  • Katrina W January 8th, 2013 10:51 PM

    I just about broke down reading this. Not because it was bad, quite the opposite, because it was so marvelous. I was literally in the beginnings of a panic attack when I read this and as I read my breathing slowed down to normal again. THANK YOU. Thank you for having the courage to speak about this important issue. I was struggling today with trying to find someone to talk to (Besides my mom, who is amazing with this, but I feel guilty for always talking to her) about how I am feeling. I have a therapist but I only see her once every two months. This eased the pain of feeling like no one could hear me today. So thank you.

  • abby111039 January 8th, 2013 11:41 PM

    I actually teared up a bit reading this. I’ve been debating whether of not to seek therapy for a while now. My parents have offered it to me many times before, but I was always to proud or stubborn or whatever to accept any offers of help. This article really helped steer me in the right direction. Thanks. :)

  • SarahHach January 9th, 2013 12:01 AM

    This article was such a huge help. I’m currently a sophomore in college, like you were when you first started seeing a therapist for the first time, and I’ve been having the most awful year. Friends have come and gone from my life, the few who have stayed are selfish and don’t treat me well, and there are a million other reasons I’m extremely unhappy and stressed out right now. I’m currently on winter break now from school, but thanks to your article, it’s given me the courage to just schedule an appointment with my school’s counseling services and meet with someone as soon as I get back to school. Thank you.

  • GaLing January 9th, 2013 12:10 AM

    Thank you for this, Jamia.
    I’m going to see my psychiatrist with my mother tomorrow, and while it’s bound to bring up things I’ve bottled up, I’m more confident that it can only lead towards something positive now.
    Just have to trust that looking at my issues is better than pretending they don’t exist.

  • junipero96 January 9th, 2013 12:21 AM

    thank you for somehow knowing exactly what i needed to hear right now, at this very moment. i’ve been putting off taking the first step into therapy for a while now, but i feel emboldened to move forward with trying to understand how make myself feel whole again.

  • fatale January 9th, 2013 12:42 AM

    jamia, this was a truly wonderful article. therapy has been a huge part of my life since i was 13 (i’m 20 now) and an amazing therapist definitely made my teen years (and my depression&anxiety) bearable. i just spoke to my psychiatrist today about looking for a new therapist in my city and i’m very hopeful/excited – reading this only reinforced my enthusiasm! thank you. <3

  • Shaniece_LostGirl January 9th, 2013 12:48 AM

    I’m in my 1st year of university. I’m not really used to going to people for anything, but I’ve decided that working things out on my own just isn’t working anymore. I’m a psychology student which made the decision to see a counsellor even harder, seeing the stigma that surrounds it first hand, but this made me realize that I should be proud of myself for making that phone call. So thank you for this, someone actually gets it.

  • justsomeone January 9th, 2013 1:52 AM

    What would I do without you, Rookie? Thankyou so much for this article.

  • Blythe January 9th, 2013 2:52 AM

    I found someone who seems like a perfect therapist the first time I (well my parents) tried. But hey, guess what! My health insurance doesn’t cover her! So now I’m stuck with a useless old lady. Like, she’s nice and all, and she also has some health problems similar to mine so she gets that, but we don’t click. However, I should be seeing my school counselor soon so maybe she can recommend some therapists we haven’t found yet.

  • dragonfly January 9th, 2013 7:26 AM

    Great article!! :) I guess I’m someone who definitely had thoughts of whether my problems were “bad enough.” I find it so hard to speak and tell people about things. Anyway so glad I went to see my school counsellor.

  • allydoubleyou January 9th, 2013 8:51 AM

    Hey, Rookie, could we get some more drawings with people of color? Especially when people of color write the articles…looks a little weird to match it up with a picture of a white person…just saying.

    This article was great!

  • littleredradio January 9th, 2013 9:11 AM

    great article, i hope it helps many readers to find their good therapy match!

    I found mine through my insurance and it’s been pretty good. I have learned a lot about me, I am still trying figure out many other things, working on some issues i have. It’s a true learning experience, imo.

  • erica84 January 9th, 2013 2:37 PM

    i’m pretty sure that my problem aren’t big enough for a therapist. and my parents probably think i’m making it all up. this was a beautiful article, but it’s a shame that i can’t use it.
    xx

    • Penny Dreadful January 12th, 2013 8:24 PM

      No problem is too small. If something is bothering you and having a significant effect on your health (mental, physical, etc.), you have every right to ask for help. I always thought the same way, but after talking with some friends about what I was feeling they encouraged me to seek therapy/counseling. It was such a good decision. Regarding your parents, you should talk to them. Explain the situation. Honesty is the best solution when it comes to parents. This is how you feel, and you need to make them understand that.

      I sincerely hope everything is ok. Be brave and be strong.

  • Alienor January 9th, 2013 3:13 PM

    It took my one year to get the courage to go see my school’s psychologist.
    thank you for this article :)

  • clairee January 9th, 2013 3:46 PM

    I realized from this article that I have often found that writing serves as a kind of therapy for myself, where I turn myself into a therapist using the paper. I agree that therapy should not have this kind of stigma, however. Great article.

    More thoughts on writing as my personal therapy here for anyone interested: http://clairewherethere.tumblr.com/post/40104067394/writing-as-therapy

  • gracewoelegance January 9th, 2013 4:36 PM

    Oh this is so so important, well done for writing this!

  • eneslimon January 9th, 2013 5:58 PM

    Definitely a great article!! As someone who’s personally struggled with finding a perfect match with a therapist, I’ve realized to never settle for a mediocre therapy session that leaves me feeling worse than when I went it and instead to focus on finding someone who accurately fits what I need.

  • jmulder355 January 9th, 2013 8:59 PM

    Thanks for this article! It’s sort of perfect right now. I have been to three therapists in the last two years. None of them lasted more than a few months. I always feel like they are judging me when I speak or that they don’t like me very much. This makes it hard to express myself effectively to them. I guess I will look for a new one with these tips in mind and maybe that will help. :)

  • thesexyzebra January 9th, 2013 9:19 PM

    This is super important. I once had a therapist tell me I probably just hadn’t “found the right penis yet.” Some day, hopefully mental health professionals will be more consistently respectful and less ignorant. Until then, this is a great guide for finding the good ones.

  • pepilepeu January 11th, 2013 2:16 AM

    For people who live in a major US city, there is an online site Therapick.com which features video interviews with therapists as well as ways to narrow your search by geography, insurance accepted, training, cost, specialty, etc. Very helpful. I found my therapist there, very happy with her.

  • avonnlea January 11th, 2013 11:37 PM

    Ugh it’s so scary admitting you need help. Last year my depression/anxiety got so bad that i stopped going to school and stopped talking to my friends, it was horrible. I refused to go to therapy because I felt like it was my responsibility to fix myself. Finally my parents literally dragged me to a therapist and it’s helped so much! It’s scary at first but it really helped me and it’s so nice to have someone to talk to who doesn’t judge you :)

  • negativecreep January 12th, 2013 6:30 AM

    I have severe anger issues that stemmed from my father dying when I was 3, my family working all the time, and trust issues. My grandmother is a nurse and she STILL thought therapy was for crazy people. After talking to my counselor, she came to the conclusion that I need an actual therapist. I receive free treatment from the county and it really helped.
    Don’t be afraid to say you want therapy. I suggest talking to a counselor first in school and they can help you decide if counseling is enough or if you should get therapy. Unfortunately, you cannot receive treatment secretly and DO need parental consent if you are a minor. It is beneficial.

    nazipaint.tumblr.com
    dollpartsmag.tumblr.com

  • Anon January 12th, 2013 4:09 PM

    Reading articles like this seems so weird, because I was assigned a therapist. I was referred to a centre by my GP, and I had an initial consultation with someone who just got my history and what I was there to talk about, and then their team discussed who I was most suitable to see. They seemed to have got it bang on, I completely trust my therapist and she’s a very likable person, with a flexible attitude towards different types of therapy. Reading articles like this reminds me that not everyone gets the right person first time, and it makes me feel very, very lucky.

  • whycaninot January 16th, 2013 10:27 PM

    I totally agree with your statement about making first phone call and feeling better.

    Before I started seeing a psychologist, I’d been feeling really bad for quite a while, but kept telling myself I had nothing to worry about (which didn’t make sense, because if I felt that bad without any clear external reasons there was clearly an issue!). Then I realised that if my sister or one of my friends was going through the same thing, I’d be really worried for them, so I decided to start caring about myself as much as I did for other people.

    I’ve now done a couple of stints over the last three years when I’ve needed to. I’m so glad I did.

  • Hana January 17th, 2013 10:12 PM

    Thank you Jamia for the very relatable article.

    In my 2nd year of University I was immensely depressed and had panic attacks everyday. I’d actually start crying on the bus to and from school. And whenever I didn’t know the answer to something, I felt short of breath and my chest was on fire.

    Anyways, I seeked for help and the school counsellors/therapists were immensely helpful.
    The unbiased opinions and not “respond[ing] with advice or reprimands, but just acknowledged my experiences with compassion.”, having a stranger listen was so helpful.

    Moving forward… I dropped out of Psych and am now in a Culinary program that I love.

    …..although, not knowing what I want/should do in the future is frightening.
    My parents are wonderful, but the expectations from them are crippling at times. By the way, they didn’t know I was going to a therapist and still don’t know…. Similar views like your Pop. heh

    I don’t know what to do now, and I am not exactly asking you for advice or help…. just venting. I miss that with a “shrink”.

    Awh man, I need to relax and be more confident.

    …whateves, Thank you for the good-feelings article. Keep up the awesome work.

    xx

  • beckytamara February 7th, 2013 6:51 PM

    Excellently written. This is really helpful, thank you!

  • mysticriver87 February 12th, 2013 7:44 PM

    This made me tear up a little. It’s difficult being in a place where you think no one understands you, and the shock when you realise that you’re not the only one going through something.

    I saw my first counsellor at university in my second year. Now, my family doctor referred me to a clinical psychologist who is always willing to be flexible due to my schedule.

    Thank you for sharing :)

  • Freefall April 22nd, 2013 3:44 PM

    I am so happy that there is someone talking about the benefits of therapy and parents who don’t understand your need for it. I have been seeing a professional therapist on and off but after a recent trauma I have been having regular sessions.

    It was the last thing I wanted but when trying to talk to a very close friend about what happened, and she kept getting up to check her phone while I was talking to her, that did the trick.
    The worse part is because it happened in my family I don’t feel like I can talk to my parents.

    Thank you for sharing your story and tips with us.