Fun

Literally the Best Thing Ever: Christmas Wrapping

An LTBTE by a cat.

The author, in heaven.

Good People of the Rookie,

When my caretaker’s sister, Pixie, asked me to write an article for your website publication, I was hesitant to do so, being that I am a cat, and I have other priorities in my life, like sleeping, eating, and frightening local passersby by staring at them intently through the picture window. But when I was promised that my photograph would accompany this article, I complied. Who am I to deny the world my beauty? I even put on my best bitchface, which is, truth be told, my default expression.

I speak to you as a common (yet gorgeous, no?) cat. I’m not a celebrity; I’m no Garfield, dining on lasagna every day (which, note to Mr. Garfield, can’t be healthy long-term; consider broadening your palate). I live a relatively simple life, with simple pleasures: a warm bed, a full dish, and a litter box that smells as fresh as the newly cleaned black sweaters I enjoy shedding all over. But I do consider myself a cat of class and taste, and though I enjoy some occasional tomfoolery with a fabric mouse or a bit of string, there is only one thing that brings out the true animal in me—a diversion so wonderful that it drives me mad with happiness, a pastime that I consider to be Literally the Best Thing Ever: the stuff that covers the other stuff when the big outside tree somehow appears inside the house. Your kind, I believe, refers to this as Christmas wrapping.

Oh, “Christmas wrapping”! What a dream when you arrive in our home! The glorious paper! The ribbons and bows! The tissue paper! The temporary housing provided by boxes! Once a year you show up in my life, taunting me from beneath the tree, covering the boring objects that humans seem to hanker for. I wait for weeks, crouched beside you, for that magnificent morning when the foolish humans rip you away from their worthless prizes and carelessly toss you to the floor, where we meet in a beautiful riot of crunching and crinkling.

I tear at you with my paws. I roll around on you, mesmerized by your smooth yet soft yet crumply texture. When the humans scrunch you into balls and toss you across the room, I give chase, giddy with excitement. And when they attempt to “clean up” by sweeping you away like so much garbage, I sit on you and refuse to move. For I know that you, dear paper, are the true prize. You are an amusement park of art, a Christmas miracle, a holiday bounty beyond the wildest of dreams!

I cannot save you, for I am no match for a giant who can simply reach out a hand and lift my entire body into the air as easily as they lift those cozy laundry baskets filled with clean, warm towels before I get a chance to bless those linens by squirming about in their nest, leaving behind mounds of luxurious hair. But all is not lost! After you’ve been stuffed into trash bags and whisked away, there are still the ribbons and bows, waiting to be torn to shreds and proudly carried about. They’re a bit like string, only much fancier, and much easier to pulverize. Occasionally, if a bow is fancy enough, I’ll allow it to be placed gently on my head, a suitable crown for a king. And when the crown falls off, I will shred it with my claws or attempt to eat it, until it is taken away for safety purposes. Farewell, dear bow! I shall miss your decorative appeal and waxy aftertaste!

And finally, when the bows’ tattered remains have been removed, there is yet one more treasure in which to literally wallow: the empty boxes. Oh, darling dens! You provide a comfortable seat, a playpen, and an object to flip over and bat around for hours at a time. Most important, you serve as perfectly cat-size beds in which to nestle, to rest, to float to the Cat Land of Nod, where one can dream of wondrous things like castles made of scratching posts, where I and the princess in those Fancy Feast commercials (She only eats from crystal goblets! What class! What grace!) rule over a kingdom where baths are outlawed; and of course my ultimate dream of eventual world dominati—I mean, of snuggling up on blankets and being a good kitty forevermore.

I am of course a loved cat, so my humans give me little odds and ends of my own at Christmas—a bit of ’nip, a few toys, perhaps a new collar. And every year, as they watch me tear into the paper, the bows, the tissue and string that once enveloped these store-bought geegaws, my humans marvel, “We should have just given him an empty box!” Yes, humans. Yes. You have noticed a pattern; perhaps take your own suggestion next year. Christmas wrapping is better than anything on earth. It is, indeed, the best. My brother, Bernie, agrees, though when asked to comment for this piece, he hopped up on the sofa and promptly fell asleep, as he is wont to do. I will say on his behalf that decorative Christmas bags are also a treat, especially when filled with crispy pieces of tissue paper. One can walk inside of a bag and feel as if he’s been transported to another world! They are also quite lovely for napping purposes. Like sleeping on a very loud cloud.

Enjoying some bag-based recreation with my less-cute brother, Bernie, of a Christmas morn.

And so in conclusion, good people of the Rookie, I ask that this holiday season, as you sit around and celebrate whatever it is that you are celebrating, please consider the needs and dreams of the cat in your life. We do not need much: just love, constant adoration, 13 hours of sleep per day, compliments at all times, quality ’nip, and a chance to share in the holiday spirit by ripping the dickens out of your discarded wrapping paper and temporarily losing our minds over tissue, bows, and the allure of the dream machine known as the cardboard box. (And perhaps a playdate with the goddess of the Fancy Feast commercials, if possible. She has inspired at least 18 of my as-yet-unpublished sonnets.)

I hope all of your holiday dreams come true. May the New Year bring us love, laughter, and the abolition of baths for cats. In the words of the great cat poet, William Purrsworth: “Meow meow, meow / Meow meow meow / Purr, rawr, meow / Meow mew, rawr, purr / The winter may be bleak / But our hearts and blankets shall keep us warm ’til spring / Meow.”

Yours Ever,
Murphy Hill, a cat

22 Comments

  • i-like-autumn December 25th, 2012 7:36 PM

    Dear Murphy Hill,

    My name is Drama Queen and I understand your love of wrapping paper. While I despise the existence of the children unwrapping the boxes, I dare say they are useful in obtaining the wrapping paper. Between you and me, I hid some away in my litter box to play with later.

    Merry Christmas,
    Drama Queen

    PS: I’m single

    PPS: Thankfully, I’m adorable enough for my caretaker to write this for me.

  • lyssagrltx December 25th, 2012 7:45 PM

    MOST ADORABLE ARTICLE EVER!!

  • Ladymia69 December 25th, 2012 7:50 PM

    As a Rookie Cat Lady, I approve this message!

  • carabear December 25th, 2012 9:03 PM

    This article is purr-fect (heh.) My cat stole half the bows from under our tree before Christmas. We think she has a stash somewhere, but the question is where…

  • Kaede December 25th, 2012 10:04 PM

    This is such a cute article! My cats do like playing with the wrapping paper, but they like swatting the ornaments off the bottom of the tree more!

  • Mimi7 December 25th, 2012 11:10 PM

    This is so cute! My cat always does bithfaces too. She always does the “repulsed” one which I didn’t realize until the other day, and I thought wow, that is a good bitchface :)

  • Abby December 25th, 2012 11:39 PM

    So my parents bought this mat for my cats that’s filled with catnip, and they were all SOOO HIGH. Like seriously. SO. HIGH. They got into all the wrapping paper and boxes and it was even more hilarious because they were just freaking the f*ck out about it even more because they were all high on catnip. And that? THAT was Literally The Best Thing Ever.

  • Laura Lemon December 25th, 2012 11:42 PM

    try reading that with a British accent, after watching the Doctor Who Christmas Special… it makes for an ultra amusing read. also, kitties are the best. this article is the best!!!

    • dancinginthetrees December 26th, 2012 12:13 AM

      OMG I am pretty sure that was the best Christmas special ever.

      • rivahgirl December 26th, 2012 1:21 PM

        YES. I can’t wait for the rest of the season. hopefully we can find out WHAT is going on with Clara. I think I shall like her.

  • Mary the freak December 26th, 2012 3:27 AM

    You have to be a totally classy and awesome cat. And incredibly talented, also! Your article is great.

    You know, I also have a cat, but she is pretty much too lazy to leave her chair to play with ribbons. Her favorite thing is my laptop, though! Whenever I am sitting on the couch, typing comments or a new post for my blog, she lays down on my lap and stares at the keyboard. and BOOM, all of the sudden, she beats the keyboard! You should see, she’s able to write hdjeJI”;£##! Adorable.

    Kittens are officially the best,

    http://birdiewearsatie.blogspot.com/

  • Pearl December 26th, 2012 6:14 AM

    Love the feline satire! Now I need a cat to for Christmas :)
    http://www.pforpearl.blogspot.com

  • M. Kitka December 26th, 2012 7:17 AM

    Sir Murphy Hill–

    Beware! I too have an abiding love for all things wrapping but… beware! I was just recently absconded from a shelter by my caretaker (I call her my Wire Monkey) and ever since I arrived I have been endlessly regaled with tales of her work… something about helping animals that are very, very sick. *shudder*

    Daily, nay, hourly she lectures me about the horrors of ribbons, how my little cat tongue will hook onto them, how I will not be able to spit them out, how they will twist up my intestines, how getting the ribbon out of my belly would require *$5000 SURGERY* (she always seems to shout that part)… I have nightmares every night… and day… and all the other times I sleep… zzzzzzzprrrrrrrrr….

    Harumph! Ahem! Ah….

    Yours sincerely,
    Captain Charlotte Goldeneye

  • I.ila December 26th, 2012 9:26 AM

    This is wonderful! My cat opened one of my brothers presents (it was wrapped in tissue paper) about a week before Christmas and dragged it around the house.

  • Josefina December 26th, 2012 10:27 AM

    This is literally the most beautiful writing ever :’) Surprisingly, my cats had been mostly asleep (or rather, under the desired, post-rage effect of catnip) during the unwrapping process, but they got their own Christmas when they woke up and laid their eyes upon a paradise of paper. Happy holidays, Pixie, Murphy Hill and Rookie “humans”! x

    PS: My cat is the ultimate bitch facer (she may be your feminine counterpart, mr. Murphy Hill). I think it’s because she suffered an attack from my dog: she was not injured, but her whiskers were. That’s like having your fingers cut off.

  • GlitterKitty December 26th, 2012 2:47 PM

    My cat is much too old to enjoy playing with Christmas paper, etc. or even stay awake long enough to wander up to the Christmas tree but this is exactly what she would be thinking if she could. Her favourite thing is to meow at us like she is dying a painful death every waking hour until we pick her up for a cuddle. She is the most demanding and diva-like creature I have ever met and she has the bitchiest bitch-face. But she’s such a little cutie and I love her anyways.

  • velvet jane December 26th, 2012 8:01 PM

    I completely understand Murphy Hill. I can identify with him. This is de first time a comment on rookie and i want to say that I really enjoy reading your post.
    kisses
    Margarita
    http://velvetjane.blogspot.com.ar/

  • barbroxursox December 26th, 2012 10:14 PM

    This is great! I wish I could have a cat, but, sadly, my mom is allergic… :(
    But this is very well written and I wish I could be as awesome as your cat. ;)

    http://lizard-on-a-window-pane.tumblr.com/

  • catpower44 December 27th, 2012 2:13 PM

    Aww! So cute! My cats absolutely LOVE wrapping paper and boxes. They chase the paper all over the house! When my mom and I wrap presents, we usually put the cats outside so they don’t rip up the presents!

    ps-that cat looks exactly like mine!

    http://cosmicballerinas.tumblr.com/
    http://flowyshirtsminiskirts.blogspot.ca/

  • lovelyhippo December 28th, 2012 7:17 PM

    This article makes me feel so much better. I simply adore it so much

  • familiarjewels January 1st, 2013 3:54 PM

    Dear Murphy,

    Though I, myself, have found no pleasure in rolling on crinkled paper- smooth paper fit FOR crinkling is where it’s at) – , I must concur with your observations regarding boxes. Is there any pleasure in life more magnificent? I am what many would call a ‘bargain cat’; though my carers purchase me delicious Whiskers wet food as I have a urinary condition and stroke me whenever I order them to (which is often), they do not see fit to buy me other items as I am known to very rarely use them. I generally only play with items not intended for my amusement, such as toy rats on the Christmas tree (my owners are eccentrics), elastic hair ties, the carpet, and, of course, the cardboard box. It is a beautiful invention. Hats off to whichever cat-loving human created this place of holiness for me to nestle my warm body into on a cosy night in, or, alternatively, jump in and out of erratically in excitement. Lots of fun!

    Yours sincerely,
    Lillian Wood, cat of Anya Wood of http://cyrillics.tumblr.com/

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica May 23rd, 2013 4:27 PM

    “Good People of the Rookie, When my caretaker’s sister, Pixie, asked me to write an article for your website publication, I was hesitant to do so, being that I am a cat, and I have other priorities in my life”

    “I even put on my best bitchface, which is, truth be told, my default expression.”

    “a litter box that smells as fresh as the newly cleaned black sweaters I enjoy shedding all over”

    “when they attempt to “clean up” by sweeping you away like so much garbage, I sit on you and refuse to move.”

    “leaving behind mounds of luxurious hair”

    “I will shred it with my claws or attempt to eat it, until it is taken away for safety purposes. Farewell, dear bow! I shall miss your decorative appeal and waxy aftertaste!”

    “and of course my ultimate dream of eventual world dominati—I mean, of snuggling up on blankets and being a good kitty forevermore.”

    “my humans marvel, “We should have just given him an empty box!” Yes, humans. Yes. You have noticed a pattern; perhaps take your own suggestion next year. Christmas wrapping is better than anything on earth.”

    “My brother, Bernie, agrees, though when asked to comment for this piece, he hopped up on the sofa and promptly fell asleep, as he is wont to do.”

    “One can walk inside of a bag and feel as if he’s been transported to another world!”

    “this holiday season, as you sit around and celebrate whatever it is that you are celebrating”

    I’M SORRY

    I’M QUOTING EVERYTHING

    I’M DYING

    THIS IS PERFECT

    GOOD NIGHT