Dear D-dawg,

Ciao! Seeing as I am in Italy—I KNOW, GIRL, I’M ALSO SCREAMING—it is only right that I speak Italian. I have been here for two days and already I have found the father of my babies. GLORY.

On a more serious note, Italy is possibly the most auspicious place in the world. The people are very welcoming, and the food could cure diseases! OK, wait, I’m pushing it. Maybe not diseases, but nearly everything else: broken hearts, loss of sanity, loss of hamsters (one love to my homie Fluffy, RIP). My favorite food is arancini, which means “little orange,” probably so-named because that’s what they look like. It is dough that is fried on the outside and filled with rice and meat. It tastes better than your mother’s cooking.

My appointments with you will be very short for the next month. I know that it is such melancholy news, but—no? NO? Forget you then! (TOTALLY JK DIARY I WILL NEVER FORGET YOUUUUU) ♦