Dear Diary

November 7, 2012

The difference between inside and out.

Naomi

I feel like there have been so many rapid changes in my life, changes that I don’t even realise properly until I look back, because they are too intricate and small to describe in detail. So many of them involve other people, so they are challenging to talk about. Yet I want to tell you everything, because most of those changes are happening within me. And there have been people reading these diaries since a time when life could be really tough for me.

I am trying to figure out how to approach writing my diaries now, when I have more to write about than anxiety and depression and doing things on my own. I am not used to writing about other stuff! Anxiety still plays a big role in my everyday life, but it has diminished. Some days my mood is low, and I can’t really speak much or do anything but lie down, but it doesn’t last as long as it used to. Because almost every day, I’ve had to get up and out of bed and go somewhere and put on a face that other people can see and talk to. Some days it is hard, but some days I transform as soon as I see a friend’s face at school. Recently, it’s when I forget myself that I feel most like me. There are people around whom I actively LOVE myself, because I have all kinds of different parts of me invested in them. I feel more visible than I can ever remember feeling. My communication channels have burst open.

It can be such a relief to have a Saturday all to myself now and then. I don’t like my moods to be dictated by other people. I like to be a whole entity by myself, and not feel like something is missing when I am on my own. Like I explained to someone earlier this week: being on your own is like romance, but with yourself. He replied that romance is better with two. I didn’t agree.

I think throughout all this change, I am still me. Of course I am. I have the same arms and legs, the same moles and scars, the same teeth, the same internal organs, and (I think) the same brain. Sometimes I feel like a heightened version of me, sometimes a lesser one who is often confused by “life.” But I embrace confusion and all the other tiny emotions that I didn’t know existed till now. ♦

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22 Comments

  • bugaleeto November 7th, 2012 7:15 PM

    Katherine, i totally get what your saying. Sometimes I feel as though I’m just a cardboard cut-out, without any thoughts, tastes, etc. of my own. It makes me really sad and paranoid. I’m probably crazy. Feeling like your not connected to anything is the perfect description of how I feel..

    • bugaleeto November 7th, 2012 7:16 PM

      eek so many grammatical mistakes on my part..

    • kcreads November 7th, 2012 10:57 PM

      I completely know what you mean! Especially if too much of my brain is taken up reading/watching netflix/absorbing all the awesome things on the Internet, rather than actually focusing on connections out in the world…

  • vintagewhimsy November 7th, 2012 7:17 PM

    Ruby – I know how you feel! My mom pays very close attention to what I wear and tries to discourage me from wearing anything too crazy. I still wear what I want to though.

    Britney – I’m sorry that you were affected by the hurricane! It sounds awful. You should just dress up as Suzy anyway for school.

    http://vintagereverie.wordpress.com

    • vintagewhimsy November 7th, 2012 8:09 PM

      Like Luna Lovegood and her lion hat!

  • Tiger November 7th, 2012 8:00 PM

    Oh Britney that Raven costume was such a good idea, so sorry Halloween was canceled. I hope things get better for you guys in NYC.

    And Ruby… way to be strong :)

  • ladyjenna November 7th, 2012 8:38 PM

    Hey Ruby! Totally sympathize here.

    There seems to be another underlying problem; maybe he feels like he can’t help with your depression and needs to control you elsewhere.

    “This seems like a really small thing, but it makes me happy. Is the problem you have a justifiable reason to take this one harmless thing that makes me happy?”

    Write a letter to him, detailing the reasons. People find it easier to handle written arguments. BUT HERE’S THE THING: ask him once – maybe say to only wear it one day a week, or some other compromise – but then ACCEPT WHAT HE SAYS because that means you are MATURE and OBEDIENT.

    If his response is negative, get your therapist to talk with him. Find out what his real issue is, cause the ones he gave don’t sound like real reasons, and the real reason might be a good one.

    You’re the greatest, Ruby…hope this turns out well

  • AnaRuiz November 7th, 2012 8:55 PM

    Today’s background is INSANELY cool.

    http://www.anaruizwriting.blogspot.com

  • actressgirl November 7th, 2012 9:03 PM

    Ruby,
    Someone once told me that I had a different look every day. She didn’t mean it in a bad way or anything but to me it just meant that dressed based on what I was in the mood for that day. So if you feel like black lipstick then I say go for it.

  • Aria November 7th, 2012 10:39 PM

    Naomi, I feel the same way.

  • Kathryn November 8th, 2012 12:01 AM

    CAITLIN’S DIARY OMG

  • Emily November 8th, 2012 12:31 AM

    Katherine I ,
    That is,
    You are telling my story.
    Except for netflix, because I don’t know our accounts password.

    I know the names of 4 of 20 girls on my floor, and one girl from my classes would return a wave if I were to see her on the street.

    Every nine or so days I eat dinner with another person, my roommate, in the Cafeteria,

    so basically everyday after class I go on ‘Stereomood’, find the “Cute”, “sweet” or “happy” playlist and just run around my dorm room dancing like an idiot and singing like a parrot to hold myself together.

    Then I clean my room because that’s therapeutic for some reason (along with wearing floral and leopard print idk it’s liberating because it’s so wrong).

    So my question for Expert Ladies out there,
    Should I be mean? It seems like the only girls around here with plural friends have faces permanently set in this >:[

  • Melisa November 8th, 2012 2:45 AM

    Naomi, I understand how it feels. But in my case, I go in cycles. Sometimes I’m really confident and loud, other times I dislike myself so much that I shut myself from my friends. I think what I need to do is put my self-esteem on things that are permanent.

  • eikcaj November 8th, 2012 2:37 PM

    I totally understand how you feel, Katherine. I sort of am going through the same thing, which is a bit embarrassing to admit, given that I stopped being a freshman some time ago. (I’m a sophomore.) Sure, some days are nice and fun, but on the whole my college experience has been just ‘fine’…a mere continuation of an uneventful high school experience (granted, at least high school didn’t provide these bouts of identity crisis and the like). But it’s just depressing to think that this is what my college years will be like.

    @Emily: There are SO many girls like that in my campus. I don’t understand. Is it that difficult to smile? Heh.

  • kavvvka November 8th, 2012 7:34 PM

    Katherine, I’m a freshman in college going through the exact same thing. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone. I have no advice except don’t worry because it get’s better???that’s what everyone keeps telling me at least. here’s to hoping!

  • airplanes.books November 9th, 2012 7:58 PM

    RUBY KEEP WEARING YOUR BLACK LIPSTICK, they can’t scrub your mouth. i hate when parents try to dictate their childrens’ personal style, especially when its just developing and becoming something that actually makes them happy, creative, and an individual!

  • stellar November 12th, 2012 9:22 PM

    what’s the point of having a life if it’s being lived thru others’ wishes? those people just need a reality check.

  • NF4awesome November 13th, 2012 11:00 PM

    Ruby! I want to see how your black lipstick looks, and how you wear it! I think it could be a bit intense for me…

  • 3LL3NH November 15th, 2012 4:10 PM

    Naomi, I love what you said about romance with yourself. It’s such a solid, happy feeling. And your last paragraph made so much good sense; I love realizing that.

  • Lizmaster3000 November 24th, 2012 11:10 PM

    KATHERINE highschool sucked balls. big, holy, hairy, christian balls.

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica January 15th, 2013 2:09 PM

    OH MY GOD THAT’S ONE OF MY FAVORITE EPISODES OF SPONGEBOB EVER. I think about it more often than I should. And whenever I try to think about nothing if I’m trying to go to sleep, it never works, because I always picture that white room, with words appearing in the air in different colors and fonts, and then I start thinking about Spongebob, and then I can’t sleep. It’s a vicious cycle.

    Ruby, I hope you work things out with your dad about the black lipstick! It really sucks when your parents don’t let you wear things that you want to :( Best of luck!