Dear Diary

November 28, 2012

Including what is possibly the most meta diary entry ever written, by new staffer Nandi.

Naomi

My grandparents live in a three-storey Victorian house with high ceilings, huge windows, and packed bookshelves. It’s big, but the more you get to know it, the smaller it gets. I’m spending the night here, which I always enjoy. At home I’m always surrounded by my own physical shit—my disorganized papers, a pile of clothes I’m too lazy to put away, all the books I haven’t read, personal mementos that I can’t seem to get rid of—which has come to symbolise my personal, internal shit. But here at my grandparents’, I can escape all of that literal and mental clutter for a bit. I can relax. I thought my own bed was my favourite place in the world, but I don’t sleep very well there at the moment. But last night, here, I didn’t even have to try anything to get to sleep other than getting under the covers and closing my eyes.

Visiting my grandparents is also a nice way to escape the crazy routine I have become so entrenched in at home. I am simultaneously happy and sad with my life, tired and energetic, bored and excited, sick and well. I am used to one monotonous mood that drags on for weeks, not this new up and down, up and down. I am spinning so many plates at once it’s hard to think straight. I haven’t been able to concentrate on schoolwork, or anything else. There is something going on in each section of my life and I feel I owe attention to each part. It is all so overwhelming. And that is on top of the usual things like cleaning your room and brushing your teeth, which I find hard enough anyway.

I wish I could be more like my grandpa. He’s a classical composer, and he still sits down at the piano in his study almost every day, with large sheets of musical staffs in front of him, hundreds and hundreds of books behind him, and a wonderful view of the sky out of the window, and gets to work. He always has an upstairs book and a downstairs book on the go, so he doesn’t have to tread the steep stairs to get fetch his reading material. I wish I could apply that logical approach to the whole of life.

I have such a strong urge to get rid of everything at the moment, to empty my life—but I know I would regret it. I just want to stay here. I want to retreat, I want to hide away. That is always my natural instinct, my default in life. I keep on crossing the road and not minding the idea of a car hitting me. It’s not that I want to die—I just want a reason not to do anything anymore. ♦

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37 Comments

  • GlitterKitty November 28th, 2012 7:13 PM

    New diaryist!!! (That was terrible spelling but whatever) The diary school project sounds ridiculous. I would have been that annoying person who would just make up stuff and therefore defeat the purpose of a diary. But hello hello new person!

  • HearMeRoar November 28th, 2012 7:15 PM

    Naomi, that last paragraph was perfection. Finally somebody has put into words the EXACT way that I feel.

  • catpower44 November 28th, 2012 7:16 PM

    Welcome Nandi! I loved your diary! From now on, I am gonna consider all of my b’s badass.

  • -alexandra- November 28th, 2012 7:26 PM

    hey Nandi! I am excited to read your diary entries. It’s nice to have another 16 year old who seems to be in about the same place in school as I am.

    I have really been interested in spoken-word poetry. I am watching the documentary about the Louder Than a Bomb slam poetry competition in Chicago right now. I love how you just really feel the language and how it is brought to life on stage.

    Maybe one day you can share some poetry or a spoken word video for Rookie? That would be awesome- I haven’t seen any poetry on here before!!

    • Pashupati November 29th, 2012 4:48 AM

      Yeah it would be cool! She writes really well, it does read a bit like spoken word poetry. pLease, please do it Nandi? And welcome!

  • Belinda November 28th, 2012 7:26 PM

    Katherine ~ maybe think about transferring schools instead of just dropping out? There are probably others that are a lot less shitty than yours sounds : )

  • Abby November 28th, 2012 7:29 PM

    Hugs, Katherine… and welcome, Nandi!

  • Hannah L November 28th, 2012 7:32 PM

    Katherine you should consider transferring instead of dropping out, cause education is good.

  • Britney November 28th, 2012 7:35 PM

    Welcome to the Rookie diarist team, Nandi! The fact that your diaries are in actual diary form is really cool.

  • AlisonR November 28th, 2012 8:09 PM

    Ah, yes! spoken poetry is so awesome

  • noquierodecir November 28th, 2012 8:24 PM

    “So I got a B, for badass, obviously.” HA!

    Nandi, this is RAD. I am so, so, so glad you are part of the Wednesday-diary-team. I love your tone….you are very cool.

    (Is it weird for me to say that already? Whateva)

  • Ermy November 28th, 2012 8:56 PM

    http://www.knockknockstuff.com/catalog/categories/books-other-words/journals/my-dysfunctions-guided-journal/

    Welcome, Nandi! Also: I’ve found your calling (see above).

  • georgie fruit November 28th, 2012 9:29 PM

    Ruby, the phrase “people who don’t have to miss her the way I do” captures precisely how I feel about my mom’s death, too. sometimes I feel like I SHOULD be more sad during holidays, but the truth is that I still get sad about it every day, even eight years later. it’s a sadness I learned to live with.

  • georgie fruit November 28th, 2012 9:39 PM

    oh, also, Katherine! as someone who DID leave college and then came back, to a different one, two years later, I want to let you know that IT IS OKAY to take a break from college (temporary or permanent). as my best friend said when I was contemplating leaving school (again!): “an education is nothing to sneeze at. but shit, dude, neither is your mental health!”

    anyways my point is: if you leave, you can always go back, and you could very well like it much more the second time around. I knew better what I wanted out of my education, I had a much better sense of who I am, and after doing menial and physical labor I had a real appreciation for the true privilege attending college. STAY STRONG!

  • Rosie November 28th, 2012 11:44 PM

    Ah, welcome, Nandi! :) and Katherine, I’ve kind of been going through the same situation. Although I’m not in university (furst year of high school, actually) I have been despising it with an unhealthy fiery passion. I just can’t stand sitting behind a desk and having to learn all of this BS only to be tested on and judged on by a stupid number. Anyways, I know that we’ll both get through this (you’ll probably make it out better than I will), so hang on there! (If only I could believe that myself…)

  • joyamerica November 29th, 2012 1:33 AM

    Cool.

  • Jane Lane November 29th, 2012 4:36 AM

    Oh my god, Naomi, that last paragraph was just so perfect. You just put everything I’m going through right now into words. <3

  • chicken92 November 29th, 2012 9:46 AM

    Katherine, whether or not you’ll read this I don’t know but I feel like I could be in the same position as you. I’m from the UK so I’m at uni here but really really not enjoying it, I’ve struggled to meet people on the same ‘wavelength’ as me and subsequently felt incredibly lonely/a total outsider the whole time. Everyone I’ve spoken to says that it’s going to get better.. we’ll see I guess. Can’t really offer any advice or reassurance, but i hear ya basically.

  • raggedyanarchy November 29th, 2012 10:01 AM

    Nandi, welcome! Ha, I’ve never been able to really keep a diary either, although no teacher has ever tried to force me (if they did, I feel like the majority of the journal would be half-truths and made up events). I would just write for a day or three, look back on the passages and violently rip them from the journal. I’m still trying, except with a journal wherein I do whatever I want whenever I want. Art, crafts, angsty poetry, movie reviews, playlists, etc.
    Katherine, I sometimes feel like I hate my school (except I’m in high school so I CAN’T LEAVE) because it’s chock full of privileged upper-middle class kids with, like, money pouring from their every pore. And then you have my friends and I, who would live in huge houses with a zillion electronic devices and go skiing except for our parents pour every last cent into the huge tuition. Also all the teachers here are conservative and religious, and learning Government and World History from them just painful. Not because I don’t like hearing different opinions, but because I am really tired of hearing “America frick yeah!” encoded in every lecture.

  • farawayfaerie November 29th, 2012 10:42 AM

    Ruby B. I am so sorry. I know what you mean, the times I most miss my best friend aren’t the times when her whole family is at my house for a mass gathering on her birthday, but when I walk through the back door that she used as an entrance when she stayed with us for a few months, or when I use her favorite spoon, or when I see things the way she saw them. I can only imagine how terrible it must feel when you’ve lived with that person your whole life, and I’m so sorry that your house feels empty. There’s something about the energy of real life people that raises your spirits whether you feel like it or not. I hope things get better, xx

  • farawayfaerie November 29th, 2012 10:54 AM

    Hey, New girl! I really like the way you write! It reads like a poem, or like a song (kind of the same thing), and you’re funny. Also, I’m sorry if I shouldn’t have called you new girl, Nandi.

  • ae702 November 29th, 2012 11:15 AM

    I use my polyvore account as a visual diary!

  • Mary the freak November 29th, 2012 2:11 PM

    Ruby I love your writing. You are amazing.

    http://birdiewearsatie.blogspot.com/

  • Erin. November 29th, 2012 4:09 PM

    Katherine, it sounds like you’re having a pretty terrible time. University is hard enough as it is, but when you don’t like your school or your classes, it’s even worse. Kinda like there’s no point in even going. But there’s always other options, right? Maybe the program/school you’re in just isn’t the right fit for you. Maybe you just really want/need to be employed for a while to figure out what you really wanna do. You could even go abroad for a year, studying, volunteering, or a work-holiday type thing. There’s no point in suffering through something when you aren’t even learning anything. My own university experience was pretty good; I liked my program and most of my teachers and I learned a lot. But even still, I feel like I could have done a different major that would have given me a better chance of getting a job. I didn’t make very many friends and I lived with my parents the whole time (still do) while I watched my old high school friends go off to different cities and become more adult-like. We all have our regrets, and from what you’ve written, I think you might regret it if you stay at your current school. Maybe finish off your year and then re-evaluate your position in the summer.

    • karastarr32 November 29th, 2012 4:52 PM

      This is so true. My sister’s best friend went to uni studying fashion design. At the end of his first year.. He failed. So he took a year off and worked in a fabric shop, and then went back, changed courses, and is now a successful fashion stylist. Proof that you sometimes need a break to re-evaluate things. :)

  • Mika. November 29th, 2012 8:08 PM

    You ladies are all wonderful. <3

  • numoon_vintage November 29th, 2012 8:33 PM

    I took a break from college and everyone made such a fuss. One year later i went back in, and now I have graduated. the year that I took off gave me a chance to focus on other aspects of myself that I felt weren’t up to par – my social life, handling my depression, being too codependent, ect. I’m really glad I had that chance to focus on myself :) .

    numoonvintage.blogspot.com

  • ivoire November 30th, 2012 5:04 AM

    Aw all the diary entries were really nice this week. And welcome Nandi! I think you and I are going to have a lot in common judging by your first diary entry.

  • cleobea November 30th, 2012 9:24 PM

    I loved your entry Nadie!

    I was wondering when you were going to post the jornal scans you had asked for

    • Anaheed November 30th, 2012 11:04 PM

      They got bumped to next month because of some timelier content we received unexpectedly, but they’ll run soon I promise. (I can’t wait for everyone to see them — they are SO GOOD.)

      • cleobea December 7th, 2012 12:23 AM

        I’m so excited to see them too!! Thanks

  • Dino December 2nd, 2012 2:04 AM

    Ohmyword! Nandi! I live in South Africa too, in KZN!!! So awesome :)

  • Maialuna December 2nd, 2012 10:26 PM

    Naomi, I feel exactly the same way. Oh my gosh.

  • angelsandlace December 3rd, 2012 1:43 PM

    Omg new diarist! Lovelovelove your entry; Bs are totally bad-ass. Docking points for dysfunction sounds ridiculous. Like. Wat. Well that definitely won’t happen here :P Can’t wait to hear mooooore ^_^

  • NF4awesome December 5th, 2012 12:51 AM

    Naomi, I guess I was being a bit ridiculous in thinking I was alone in that way of thinking. I just didn’t know other people thought the same thing. A lot do, judging by the comments :)

    Also, Nandi! You first journal was awesome and I’m excited for the rest!