Dear Diary

November 21, 2012

Things could be better.


This week caused me to question how well I really know my friends. On Wednesday, I was walking with the rest of my homeroom class after school when one of my best friends spotted my crush and decided to approach him. After exchanging hellos, she said, loudly, “BRITNEY LOVES YOU!”

I seriously thought that I was going to disappear from the face of the earth. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I rushed to go stand next to another friend of mine, and rushing is hard when you feel like you can’t move. I fought back tears. But when I told a few of my friends about what happened, they didn’t think there was anything really wrong with what my friend had done and said I should try talking to her again. So I voiced my concerns to her, but she didn’t seem to care. She said that it was just a joke, and she didn’t apologize, even after I tried telling her how I felt.

I don’t think of it as a joke, and I don’t think that I’m overreacting at all. It was hurtful to me. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what her intentions were. When you trust someone with a secret, you expect them to keep it, you know? Especially when that person is really close to you. I’m not too excited to go back to school. ♦


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  • moonchild November 21st, 2012 7:13 PM

    Oh god.

    school definitely is a dementor.
    just eat some chocolate and it will be ok :)


    • Britney November 21st, 2012 8:20 PM

      That is a great description of school. From now on, I’ll think of it as a dementor.

  • landlockedblues November 21st, 2012 7:39 PM

    UGH YES, SCHOOL IS THE WORST. I know what you girls feel, I’ve been feeling very worn-out and apathetic and stressed all at the same time. It’s ridiculous because I nap for four hours and then wake up and freak out because I have a lot of stuff to get done. It’s ridiculously stressful and a lot tougher than most people think. Hang in there. <3

  • TheGirlWithAName November 21st, 2012 7:46 PM

    I have so may days like this.
    School is awful, especially if you suffer from anxiety. But I think it’s important to realize that school doesn’t have to be a preview of your real life.

    I had to go to a phychologist once for anxiety, and she was telling me about how the kids who can’t stand school, are actually the ones who thrive and live life to the full in the “real world”.

    From one Ruby to another, it’s going to be allright x.

  • Adrienne November 21st, 2012 8:00 PM

    I’m having the exact same week as you guys. Even though I have this week off for Thanksgiving, all my teachers assigned us projects. School really is sucking my soul, especially Pre-Calculus which is weird because I’m usually fine with math. For some reason getting bad grades makes me super freaked out and depressed.

  • Ariella95 November 21st, 2012 8:05 PM

    Ruby, I think you should talk to your school guidance counselor to see if there is any way you can qualify for extra time on tests because of your anxiety. I know several people who have extra time for learning disabilities, and your grades shouldn’t suffer because of you anxiety.

  • kolumbia November 21st, 2012 8:26 PM

    Katherine, you so eloquently expressed what I feel all the time. Thank you.

  • jill November 21st, 2012 8:28 PM

    Katherine, that was so beautiful. I aspire to be as good of a writer as you.

  • FlowerPower November 21st, 2012 9:12 PM

    Dearest Ruby,
    Girl I hear ya. I’m a freshmen too. I’m in Honors Bio too. (I actually have a lot of other things in common with you as well, but I’ll save that for a later time to discuss). Anyway, do you have the “BSCS Biology: A molecular Approach” book? That’s what I have. Anyway, I want to tell you that failing a pop quiz on bio is OK. Your teacher sounds like an asshole, but don’t worry about one slip up! I particularly am not found of bio, and I never see myself with a career involving biology, so even if I’m getting B’s on stuff, and all around me (well ik in my head it feels like everyone, but truly its not) people are waving around tests with 96%.OR 99%! Excuse my language WHAT THE FUCK. There’s a girl who NEVER STUDIES and gets AMAZING grades. It’s just not fair! I put time and effort in my work and I get average grades (in bio) and then I see people getting above average grades with NO work put in. And they boast about this! They’re all shocked an tell the people around them, and now it’s just become a routine. Ok I’m done with my little rant. I used to get terrible anxiety too (ANOTHER thing we have in common, although not a good one). I had it bad in middle school, because middle school was HELL for me. No, it was a “dementor”. High school’s a lot better, but I feel real lonesome. There’s tons of friendly people, but I don’t have like “true friends”. I could go on for hours about everything, but I kinda wanna bake some pumpkin muffins now for Thanksgiving. So, I’ll send you a virtual pumpkin muffin once they’re done. Bye <3

  • Eryn November 21st, 2012 9:16 PM

    Caitlin, you never cease to amaze.

  • vintagewhimsy November 21st, 2012 9:50 PM

    I’m so sorry, Ruby. Maybe you could qualify for an IEP? My brother and sister each have one and they don’t get as much homework as other kids and I think they get more time to take tests and quizzes. Anyway, I’m sorry that you guys are having a tough time at school.

  • jedarq93 November 21st, 2012 10:26 PM

    …and, Katherine, maybe you like cyberpunk? :o you’ve discribed (beautifully) an well-known picture in my mind. (i also love gas station for that particular smell).
    Your words are full of feelings, maybe angsty feelings, but it’s part of this life, in this weird world, so i think there’s no statement or rule that tell us what we have to do think, like or be. We, human being just have to stop judging hard onto each others, live and let live!

  • Gabriela November 21st, 2012 10:41 PM

    Britney omg that sucks, I feel ya. Same thing happened to me one time and I just wanted to disappear. Secrets are secrets no matter what and it feels bad when someone doesn’t respect that or treats them as a joke. Especially when it’s a close friend.

  • Imogen-Rose November 21st, 2012 10:53 PM

    Ruby – I really know how you feel. After school, try listing three or more good things that happened to you that day. Or colour or play on Neopets. Do something that makes you happy, takes your mind off school and doesn’t require much effort. I hope school gets better for you.

    Britney – I think maybe you need to rethink your friends. That’s awful what happened, and I think you’re right – no friends should treat you like that and not apologize or at least show some sympathy. Maybe you should try to talk to other people who seem to care more about the people around them.

  • mariaantoniavs November 21st, 2012 11:30 PM

    Ugh. Ruby, I’m feeling exactly the same way. It’s like we go to school to be told we are worthless. I also happen to dislike my biology teacher. It’s like he thinks I’m stupid or something, and because english is not my first language he keeps saying “I don’t think you’ll be able to say this word, but I’ll say it for you.”

  • emine November 22nd, 2012 3:15 AM

    Guys can I just say that I have so much respect for all of you diarists on Rookie. You are so honest and open with your emotions to complete strangers on the site. I’ve thought multiple times of “auditioning” as a diarist on Rookie but I don’t think I’d have the guts to be as true and limitless as you are. Thank you.

  • Julia November 22nd, 2012 6:17 AM

    BRITNEY I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THAT SO. MANY. TIMES. I’m not sure if it’s worse when it happens with someone you really really like, or when it happens with a guy friend and makes things really really awkward.

    I usually laugh it off and act like it’s an inside joke or something, but it’s the absolute worst. I don’t know what we’re going to do about it.

    (Caitlin you are so great ommmmmgggg)

  • j.marie November 22nd, 2012 10:15 AM

    Oh, Ruby, that was exactly how I felt last year and my biology teacher was also incredibly tough.
    I encourage you to seek out other school options in your town/city – is their an alternative school that might work? Online school? I know it might not sound that appealing right now, but I did transfer to my city’s alternative school and it has arguably been the best thing I have ever done for myself.
    Stay strong!

  • girlswithsecrets November 22nd, 2012 11:32 AM

    Ruby I felt EXACTLY THE SAME WAY when I was in school, the pressure of being around classmates and having to study anything except english or art was too much to handle. I often ended up reading or writing poetry and novel excerpts instead of paying attention in my math and science classes…I was also singled out and embarrassed by a lot of teachers in my time…just try to remember that soon enough you will be OUT OF THAT HORRIBLE HELL HOLE and that the world within that building is not the only one you’ll exist in. I actually hated high school so much that I graduated in three years, which isnt nearly as hard as you’d think! Talk to your guidance counselor about designing an ‘independent study’, where you get credits to do WHATEVER YOU LIKE. You could probably get credits for writing these Rookie entries!! I got two years worth of credits for working on a screenplay I was writing and telling my favorite teacher about it, and that helped me to graduate early. As far as the anxiety, make time to do things you love and try to talk to a parent or counselor about getting extra time on tests/quizzes. I had horrible anxiety in school and I found that walking through the woods every single day after school made me feel a LOT better–so did meditation, drinking calming teas like chamomile and catnip, yoga, dancing to loud music, writing poetry, eating chocolate, watching Woody Allen movies, etc…I hope some of my advice helped! Sending you a cyber-hug!

  • Jeanne November 22nd, 2012 1:45 PM

    Britney I’ve also had that. I had a huuuge crush on a guy who was my very best friend for a long time. I spent so much summers with him. But when we where both 9, he moved to New york and we didn’t see eachother anymore. When he came back, not so long ago, I saw him again and he had changed so much. He was stunning. So beautiful. But he ignored me, because I wasn’t the pretty teenage girl and my clothes were different than the other girls. But I secretly loved him. I told a good friend about my crush and she told it to HIM. When I came out she did that, I felt so dumb and ugly. I saw him, he laughed at me.
    But you know what? All this, and plenty other stories, made me realise I was better than them, that I didn’t need all this to better my life. At least, I do things I like, I have a blog, I have one very good friend at whom I can tell everything and I have fun.
    And they’re just reading their news feed on facebook. HA.

  • GlitterKitty November 22nd, 2012 6:51 PM

    Ughhh school is the absolute worst. I can’t handle that high school is going to go on for another (almost) 3 years for me. It’s just hell day after day. I don’t think I’ve come home from school for the last 2 years and thought I had a good time. I really like the dementor analogy though. It’s actually genius.

  • Working4rachel November 23rd, 2012 11:58 AM

    This isn’t directly in response to this week’s diaries, but with all the talk about school in the comments I felt like I should leave these links here:

    College without High School:

    Sudbury model schools:

    Hating school doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, and there are other options (especially if you have somewhat supportive parents) that don’t involve, like, giving up on life.

  • katycruel November 23rd, 2012 12:23 PM

    Katherine – I specially loved your diary this week.

    The Rookie Diaries should win awards. That allow diarists to graduate early.

  • shelley November 23rd, 2012 12:32 PM

    Katherine your diary entry is beautiful

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica January 26th, 2013 10:29 AM

    “School is like a seven-hour panic attack. It’s stress and holding back tears and hating everything and everyone there.”

    An exact description of my current school life. Except on Mondays and Tuesdays, it lasts seven hours and ten minutes.