Dear Diary

November 14, 2012

And the world keeps spinning madly on.


Last week, when I returned to school after the hurricane, I was planning on showing some of my friends a story that I wrote. When I took it out, though, I had a sudden thought: What if I’m not the great writer that I thought I was? What if everyone laughs at me? This is stupid. I hate my writing. I shoved it back into the depths of my binder and refused to let anyone see it. My friends protested, saying they liked my writing, but I decided that they must’ve thought I was fishing for compliments and couldn’t be honest about how terrible I really was.

The same thing happened when my best friend recently told me that I was pretty. I refused to believe her, and protested so violently that she ended the conversation altogether, and now we’re not talking. I never believe people when they compliment me. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just take in what they’re saying and be happy about it? Sometimes compliments make me feel worse.

I can remember a time when compliments made me feel good. Since then, though, I’ve gotten a good share of insults, too, and those felt much more weighty. They got into my head, and eventually made any praise I received feel different, and suspect. Insults can be very persuasive that way. Now if someone tries to flatter me, I instantly shut them down. I don’t believe them.

I wish I could stop being like this—it’s wrecking my friendships, my self-esteem, my personality, my life. ♦


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  • catpower44 November 14th, 2012 7:08 PM

    Oh, Katherine, I’m so sorry. I send my love your way.

  • Jes November 14th, 2012 7:16 PM

    Naomi- The last paragraph and sentence were great.

    I have had that happen to me, too. It’s not pleasant.

  • ivoire November 14th, 2012 7:19 PM

    Aw Katherine, much love from me. Hope you make it through alright.

    Britney, I sometimes feel that compliments make me more self conscious? I absolutely hate showing people my writing. If it’s not good enough for me, I ain’t showing to anyone. (Life as a perfectionist)

  • litchick November 14th, 2012 7:24 PM

    I’m so sorry, Katherine.

  • lubs November 14th, 2012 7:47 PM

    Oh Katherine, I’m sorry for your loss. A week from now it’s a year my grandfather died. The last time I saw him he was kind of delirious because of the medicine, and he kept saying that the hospital room was full of black man (like shadows I guess) and he was very disturbed and my mom just kept saying “don’t look at them, look at your granddaughter. Isn’t she beautiful?”. It was a pretty moment. I love my grandpa.

  • Eryn November 14th, 2012 7:53 PM

    Katherine… I don’t know what to say. My papa passed away in september. It doesn’t stop being difficult. It sneaks up on you. Even when you think you’re fine. I’m sure you already noticed, but, that’s just what I’ve observed. Also, I wish I had accepted the comfort/ifyouneedanythingwe’rerighthere from my friends while it was being offered.

    <3 <3 <3 <3

  • ElleEstJolie November 14th, 2012 7:54 PM

    I’m so very sorry for your loss :( I also lost my grandpa, about a year ago. His pacemaker was messing up and they gave him open heart surgery to replace it, but he passed. Though I wasn’t very close to him, I miss him every day and have so many regrets. (I don’t have any grandparents left) so I understand exactly how you feel. My prayers go out to you and your family.

  • Dylan November 14th, 2012 8:02 PM

    So sorry Katherine <3

  • Laura Lemon November 14th, 2012 8:27 PM

    So Sorry, Katherine!
    Losing your grandfather must be devastating. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Also, Britney that’s been happening to me since I started high school (last year. Geeez.) it’s hard to tell when people genuinely mean what they say (and most of the time they do) so it’s just sad. And awkward. Blah.

  • Abby November 14th, 2012 8:42 PM

    Katherine… I’m really sorry for your loss. I remember when my grandmother died… we knew it was coming, but it was really, really awful anyway… I was thirteen, and we were really close. It was really hard… But don’t forget that we’re all here for you. <3

    Britney… I am exactly the same way… I always deny it when people say nice things about me and I hate it… but I can't help it. I just don't believe them. One of my best friends pointed it out to me the other day… she said, "it makes you seem like you're fishing for compliments… and it also seems rude sometimes." It was a big wakeup call for me… I really need to stop. I'm trying.

  • Sarah November 14th, 2012 9:28 PM

    Ruby, your band sounds great!

  • Ruby B. November 14th, 2012 10:31 PM

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Katherine.

  • kcreads November 15th, 2012 12:29 AM

    I love you all. You can each make it through this. Also <3 the Weepies reference in the subheading (or at least I think it's a reference. You should all listen to the song anyway:

  • Lillypod November 15th, 2012 5:36 AM

    I’m so so so so sorry Katherine!! i can’t even imagine my grandpa dying , it makes me choke up just thinking about it. sending love your way <3 <3 <3

  • dukesilver November 15th, 2012 10:08 AM

    Naomi, when I read your entry I kind of got a fright. It was like I was reading my own diary. I know so completely how you feel and it is kind of scary.

  • aud85220 November 15th, 2012 10:57 AM

    Katherine – My thoughts and love are with you, and everyone else experiencing this kind of loss. Remember, the darkest hour is the best time to see the stars. Your grandfather’s love will stay with you for the rest of your life, even if his body doesn’t follow.

  • Caitlin H. November 15th, 2012 2:18 PM

    Aw Katherine- I’m so sorry <3

  • Saana V November 16th, 2012 5:03 PM

    Britney, dear god we get into fights with my best friend almost daily, because nether of us believes the compliments other gives.
    Yesterday I got mad at her when she told me I looked good in shorts after I said I didn’t.
    And few days ago she got mad at me because I told her that she sang well.
    idk man something must be wrong with us.

    And Katherine, I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my grandmother few years ago and all I can tell you is that it really gets better.

  • ruby November 18th, 2012 9:44 AM

    So sorry Katherine xxx

    ps:/ How come it credits Ruby A instead of Ruby B as a diarist now?

    a fellow Ruby

    • Anaheed November 18th, 2012 1:50 PM

      Because a certain editor didn’t get enough sleep this week. Thanks for catching that!

  • guiltfreedonut November 23rd, 2012 2:48 AM

    This is late, sorry, catching up with Rookie on break, but Britney I totally get what you’re saying about the compliments making you feel worse. I actually told my mom that she just has to stop complimenting me because it makes me feel like I have to explain to her why what she said isn’t true which makes me feel worse about myself… (she obviously didn’t stop though.)

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica January 19th, 2013 10:38 AM

    I’m so sorry, Katherine.