Dear Diary

November 14, 2012

And the world keeps spinning madly on.

Katherine

I was in my dorm room, about to go out, when my mom called. I quickly put a few things in my backpack and drove to my house. My parents acted like it was really weird that I wanted to go to the hospital with them. They kept telling me that I could stay at school if I wanted. Mom said that my grandmother was supposed to die first, and that he was supposed to die on a sailboat. I couldn’t look into her eyes for long.

In the hospital, a nurse told us that my grandfather had had a massive stroke and that his eyes weren’t responding to light. His senses didn’t work; his mind was gone and it was just his body there, in bed, mouth open. The nurse said to keep talking to him anyway. She said you just don’t know. His legs kept jumping, throwing off the sheets; each time, the nurse and my aunt would cover them again.

I was in the hallway of the ER and a nurse wheeled out a woman with the whitest hair. We stared at each other for a really long time. I went into the X-ray room to be alone. They moved my grandfather’s twitching body to a regular hospital room, where my mom and my grandmother answered all these questions about him and signed off on the form that said it was OK to not try to save him anymore. My aunt left and came back with a bag of peppermints. I didn’t want one, but I took one when she offered.

Then I was in the car with my father going back to my grandparents’ house. We were going to sleep for a few hours and then go back, but my mom came into the bedroom early in the morning, bent down, and hugged my father. I asked what time he had gone, and my father said 4:30 AM. I went back to sleep. I feel guilty about that. When I got up and walked into the living room, everyone was sitting around, saying nothing. My grandmother was there, looking very lost. She said they had been having such a nice day before it happened, and I said “I know,” because I did know, because she had been saying it all night.

Then I was back at school and I cried in front of a teacher and skipped some classes. My brother came back and we both were all “you’re real” because I guess it’s been since August since we’ve seen each other.

Then I was at the visitation on Saturday and was hugging all these people I didn’t really know and talked to my cousins whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. One of our younger cousins eats bacon for every meal.

Then we were all in the church. My grandmother placed a rose on top of the box of his ashes when she went to take communion, and we walked out as everyone sang “Lift High the Cross.”

Now I’m at school. And I keep on thinking about how, in the hospital room, my grandmother had been asking where his glasses were and the nurse kept telling her that he didn’t need them anymore but she kept on asking until my mom held up the bag that held his things. And my grandfather was there but he already looked like a ghost. ♦

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22 Comments

  • catpower44 November 14th, 2012 7:08 PM

    Oh, Katherine, I’m so sorry. I send my love your way.

  • Jes November 14th, 2012 7:16 PM

    Naomi- The last paragraph and sentence were great.

    I have had that happen to me, too. It’s not pleasant.

  • ivoire November 14th, 2012 7:19 PM

    Aw Katherine, much love from me. Hope you make it through alright.

    Britney, I sometimes feel that compliments make me more self conscious? I absolutely hate showing people my writing. If it’s not good enough for me, I ain’t showing to anyone. (Life as a perfectionist)

  • litchick November 14th, 2012 7:24 PM

    I’m so sorry, Katherine.

  • lubs November 14th, 2012 7:47 PM

    Oh Katherine, I’m sorry for your loss. A week from now it’s a year my grandfather died. The last time I saw him he was kind of delirious because of the medicine, and he kept saying that the hospital room was full of black man (like shadows I guess) and he was very disturbed and my mom just kept saying “don’t look at them, look at your granddaughter. Isn’t she beautiful?”. It was a pretty moment. I love my grandpa.

  • Eryn November 14th, 2012 7:53 PM

    Katherine… I don’t know what to say. My papa passed away in september. It doesn’t stop being difficult. It sneaks up on you. Even when you think you’re fine. I’m sure you already noticed, but, that’s just what I’ve observed. Also, I wish I had accepted the comfort/ifyouneedanythingwe’rerighthere from my friends while it was being offered.

    <3 <3 <3 <3

  • ElleEstJolie November 14th, 2012 7:54 PM

    I’m so very sorry for your loss :( I also lost my grandpa, about a year ago. His pacemaker was messing up and they gave him open heart surgery to replace it, but he passed. Though I wasn’t very close to him, I miss him every day and have so many regrets. (I don’t have any grandparents left) so I understand exactly how you feel. My prayers go out to you and your family.

  • Dylan November 14th, 2012 8:02 PM

    So sorry Katherine <3

  • Laura Lemon November 14th, 2012 8:27 PM

    So Sorry, Katherine!
    Losing your grandfather must be devastating. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Also, Britney that’s been happening to me since I started high school (last year. Geeez.) it’s hard to tell when people genuinely mean what they say (and most of the time they do) so it’s just sad. And awkward. Blah.

  • Abby November 14th, 2012 8:42 PM

    Katherine… I’m really sorry for your loss. I remember when my grandmother died… we knew it was coming, but it was really, really awful anyway… I was thirteen, and we were really close. It was really hard… But don’t forget that we’re all here for you. <3

    Britney… I am exactly the same way… I always deny it when people say nice things about me and I hate it… but I can't help it. I just don't believe them. One of my best friends pointed it out to me the other day… she said, "it makes you seem like you're fishing for compliments… and it also seems rude sometimes." It was a big wakeup call for me… I really need to stop. I'm trying.

  • Sarah November 14th, 2012 9:28 PM

    Ruby, your band sounds great!

  • Ruby B. November 14th, 2012 10:31 PM

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Katherine.

  • kcreads November 15th, 2012 12:29 AM

    I love you all. You can each make it through this. Also <3 the Weepies reference in the subheading (or at least I think it's a reference. You should all listen to the song anyway: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4sa2HoXpsE).

  • Lillypod November 15th, 2012 5:36 AM

    I’m so so so so sorry Katherine!! i can’t even imagine my grandpa dying , it makes me choke up just thinking about it. sending love your way <3 <3 <3

  • dukesilver November 15th, 2012 10:08 AM

    Naomi, when I read your entry I kind of got a fright. It was like I was reading my own diary. I know so completely how you feel and it is kind of scary.

  • aud85220 November 15th, 2012 10:57 AM

    Katherine – My thoughts and love are with you, and everyone else experiencing this kind of loss. Remember, the darkest hour is the best time to see the stars. Your grandfather’s love will stay with you for the rest of your life, even if his body doesn’t follow.

  • Caitlin H. November 15th, 2012 2:18 PM

    Aw Katherine- I’m so sorry <3

  • Saana V November 16th, 2012 5:03 PM

    Britney, dear god we get into fights with my best friend almost daily, because nether of us believes the compliments other gives.
    Yesterday I got mad at her when she told me I looked good in shorts after I said I didn’t.
    And few days ago she got mad at me because I told her that she sang well.
    idk man something must be wrong with us.

    And Katherine, I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my grandmother few years ago and all I can tell you is that it really gets better.

  • ruby November 18th, 2012 9:44 AM

    So sorry Katherine xxx

    ps:/ How come it credits Ruby A instead of Ruby B as a diarist now?

    Love,
    a fellow Ruby

    • Anaheed November 18th, 2012 1:50 PM

      Because a certain editor didn’t get enough sleep this week. Thanks for catching that!

  • guiltfreedonut November 23rd, 2012 2:48 AM

    This is late, sorry, catching up with Rookie on break, but Britney I totally get what you’re saying about the compliments making you feel worse. I actually told my mom that she just has to stop complimenting me because it makes me feel like I have to explain to her why what she said isn’t true which makes me feel worse about myself… (she obviously didn’t stop though.)

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica January 19th, 2013 10:38 AM

    I’m so sorry, Katherine.