I have had a mini crisis building all week. Crisis might be too strong a word, even qualified with mini—it’s more just a feeling of hopelessness. I’m overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done: schoolwork, studying for January exams, writing personal statements, applying to universities. I should have my shit together by now. I am 18, after all, and I took a whole year away from school just to get together said shit. But I used up that time falling apart and then putting myself back together and now I am more whole than I have ever been, but a lot fell by the wayside, like schoolwork.
I have so much to do, but I end up doing nothing. This is a familiar state—I was like this last year when I was studying on my own, at home, and I became overwhelmed with apathy. I was in my own head all day long, and didn’t feel connected with anything in the outside world.
This time it’s different. I’m not spiraling inward; I have outside DISTRACTIONS—one in particular. I’ve always been independent, and I like that. But now my moods are suddenly being dictated by communication with a certain human. If I am not talking to him, I get moody. I was never like this before. I feel like a completely different person.
It’s really kind of scary. ♦