Fun

Fifty Shades of Cool

Debbie and Mitch are getting rowdy.

My Aunt Debbie and Uncle Mitch are the best, and I love them. They love me too, as evidenced by their most recent round of emails.

8/29/12
Darling Evie,
I’m so sad that summer is over! Mitch and I had a “last blast” in Maine, sitting by the beach and drinking daiquiris like a couple of honeymooners! I didn’t even get a chance to start this Fifty Shades of Grey that everyone’s talking about, but it sounds like it’s more appropriate for the fall?
    Anyhoo, just wanted to send you a note to wish you good luck at school tomorrow! It seems like only yesterday that your mom was sending me pictures of your first day at kindergarten! It’s true what they say: time really flies #yolo!
    Just remember: if you work hard and be yourself, things will be hella cool. (Are people still saying “hella”? I learned it from Gwen Stefani.)
Love,
Aunt Debbie

9/6/12
Dearest Evie,
How much do you love Taylor Swift’s new song??? I think I’ve played it 900 times in the past week alone. I even caught Uncle Mitch whistling it in the shower, though when I called him on it, he claimed it was “How Many More Times” by Led Zeppelin. So busted!
    Speaking of Uncle Mitch, he found his old leather jacket from high school in the back of the storage room and refuses to take it off. I guess it isn’t so bad, except for the giant Slayer patch on the back! People are going to think he’s some kind of hooligan criminal. We’ll never be seated at the Applebee’s again!
Lots of love,
Aunt Debbie

9/7/12
Evel Knievel,
I am never, ever, ever giving up my leather! I don’t give a crap about Applebee’s, and I am never, ever, everrrrrr, giving up my leather!
Like, ever.
M.

9/14/12
Darling Evie,
I’m sorry that we missed your soccer game last night! We were at the gate getting snacks, and while I was off buying a Diet Coke (you know how I love my Diet Cokes!), the guy at the ticket stand “dissed” Uncle Mitch for wearing his ridiculous hooligan jacket. Mitch didn’t care for that one bit and, well, one thing led to another and security told us that we’d have to “leave the premises immediately.” We went to TCBY afterwards to blow off some steam. What a night! But your mom says you played well! Good for you!
Much love,
Auntie D.
P.S. Can you send me a schedule of your away games?

9/15/12
Evie Nicks,
Sorry about the soccer game. Dude was on a power trip, like selling tickets gives him the right to call me “Doughy Ramone.” I run like twice a week—and I rock 24/7. Anyway, you want a leather jacket? Slightly used, totally badass, ready to go.
I Fought the Law and the Law Won,
M.

9/24/12
Darling Evie,
Did you watch the Emmy Awards last night? Can you believe Pawn Stars wasn’t nominated? Uncle Mitch was rooting for Breaking Bad, but I don’t care for it. I mean, maybe instead of selling methamphetamine to make money, the dad from Malcolm in the Middle should just sell some stuff to Chumlee and the gang!
    What’s new with you? I know the ’90s are back—does that include floral vests? Because I have a ton of them!
Miss you lots,
Auntie D.
P.S. Send me some new music!

9/26/12
Dearest Evie,
HEYYYYYY! SEXY LADY! OPEN CANDLE STYLE!
LOL,
Aunt Debbie

9/26/12
Darling Evie,
Uncle Mitch has informed me that it’s “Oppan Gangnam Style,” not “open candle style.” Whoops! To be honest, I thought it was about time that someone wrote a song about candle style. I buy all of mine at Jeanne’s House of Cards, an official Yankee Candle retailer. “Home Sweet Home” has a touch of cinnamon, a touch of apple, and a whole lot of cozy.
Yankee Candle Style! LOL!
Auntie D.
P.S. What does “twerk” mean? Are the Twerks the ones who live by that big snow wall in Game of Thrones? I can’t keep up with that show.

9/27/12
Evelyn,
Yes, she seriously thought it was “open candle style.” And no, I have no idea what that means, either. Thanks for sending her that video, by the way. She’s played it about eight million times and she’s trying to teach herself that dance, but she’s not really getting the hang of it. I can’t tell if she’s supposed to be riding a horse or pretending to be a horse. We heard it at Jeanne’s House of Cards and she knocked over an entire shelf of ceramic cows with her behind.
Meat Is Murder,
M.

10/4/12
Dear Evie,
The world has gone pumpkin crazy! Pumpkin bread, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin margaritas—I even saw one restaurant in town offering pumpkin salsa! Can you imagine!? Maybe I should come up with a pumpkin recipe of my own, what do you think?
Love,
Auntie D.

10/7/12
Dearest Evie,
Oh, my poor chicken! Break-ups are the worst. I mean, Kristen and Rob—I still can’t talk about it, so I can only imagine what you’re going through. In any case, you are always welcome to visit us. We can play Taylor Swift’s new record on repeat. She can’t seem to pick up a guitar without getting her heart broken!
Hugs hugs hugs,
Aunt Debbie

10/8/12
Evelyn—
Enclosed are all of my Slayer records. May they be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out.
Love Stinks (But You Rule),
Uncle Mitch
P.S. I had the runs for three days after your aunt served me “pumpkin steak.” Don’t ask.

10/19/12
Darling Evie,
How are you feeling? Better I hope. We are sending you lots of love! Have you picked out your Halloween costume yet? You always have the best ideas. Mitch and I were invited to a costume party, and we STILL haven’t decided what to wear! Last year we were Batman and Batgirl, and the suits were a nightmare! We smelled like a tire factory for days, and Mitch got a sore throat from doing his Batman voice all night. (Actually, he sounded like one of Marge Simpson’s sisters—but don’t tell him I said that.)
    We miss you and hope things are going well—drop us a line when you have the time!
XOXO,
Auntie Deb

10/20/12
E.,
Glad to hear you’re feeling a little better. It’s going to suck for a while, and you’ll probably have to go through it more than once, but eventually you’ll find the right person (just don’t let them serve you pumpkin steak, like ever).
Rock Saves,
Uncle Mitch

10/24/12
Dearest Evie—
Well, we’ve finally chosen our costumes! We’re going as zombie Ozzy and Sharon! Zombies are all the rage these days. Do they move slowly? I better brush up on my facts.
Braaaaaains,
Auntie D.

10/28/12
Darling Evie,
The party was, as they say, “a graveyard smash”! Mitch ate so many fun-size Butterfingers that he got sick—typical Mitch! But we won third place in the costume contest! (The winner was someone dressed as Honey Boo-Hoo. I’ve never heard of her, but I wasn’t impressed.) Oh, well. There’s always next year!
Love,
Auntie D.
P.S. ROBSTEN ARE BACK TOGETHER!!! See, don’t give up hope.
P.P.S. Or do you think it’s a publicity stunt? I hope not!

11/1/12
Dearest Evie,
Can’t wait until this election is over! These ads are driving me crazy! What’s new with you? Miss you tons!
I’m Aunt Debbie, and I approve this message.

11/1/12
Evelyn—
Hey, thanks for telling your aunt that her “approve this message” bit was hilarious. She’s been using it on everything now. She’s “approved” the following messages: “This trash stinks.” “You need a haircut, Mitch!” “Pawn Stars rules!” It’s been really, really great. Please note that this is sarcasm.
Rock the Vote,
M.

11/15/12
Dear Evie,
We’re so excited that we’ll see you at Thanksgiving! I’ll be making my famous pumpkin pie. Due to unfortunate circumstances surrounding my last attempt, I will not be making pumpkin steak.
Over the river and through the woods,
Auntie Deb
P.S. Do you think pumpkin ham would work? Let me know. We could “go H.A.M.” on it!

11/15/12
Evelyn—
This year, I’ll be giving thanks to you for convincing your aunt that “pumpkin ham” is a terrible idea.
Kick Out the Hams,
Uncle M.

11/20/12
Dearest Evie,
See you soon, soon, soon! I am bringing a centerpiece that I made out of all of those broken cows that we had to buy. It’s pretty moovelous, if I do say so myself. Get it? LOL!
Love,
Auntie 1-D
P.S. A little birdie told me that you might be interested in One Direction tickets for Christmas. I’ll see what I can do! ♦

43 Comments

  • Chloton November 21st, 2012 11:30 PM

    Oh my goodness, can I adopt your aunt and uncle? They are DELIGHTFUL!

    • cj575 November 22nd, 2012 4:54 AM

      But they aren’t real! haha

  • Hannah November 21st, 2012 11:32 PM

    Awww. They’re so cute! I wish they were related to me so I could get cute emails.

  • Whatsername November 21st, 2012 11:50 PM

    God these are just the best.
    I love the little rock references in all of Mitch’s emails.

  • camille November 21st, 2012 11:57 PM

    Can you guys make a DIY broken cows centerpiece project for us to replicate aunt Debbie’s? Please?

  • angelsandlace November 22nd, 2012 12:02 AM

    Ohhhh my god I am so dead. I’m laughing really hard and I’m supposed to be doing homework but whatever. “Kick out the hams” you guys. KICK OUT THE HAMS. I have no words for how awesome this is.

  • Dane November 22nd, 2012 12:15 AM

    I hope I’m this cool when I’m older :)

  • tangratoe November 22nd, 2012 12:29 AM

    My new favourite thing on the internet <3

  • lipstickjunkie November 22nd, 2012 12:37 AM

    Open candle style, Lucky. My mom literally walks around in the world singing, I kid you not, OPEN CONDOM STYLE. She won’t stop…

    • Ben November 22nd, 2012 3:38 PM

      Ha ha ha! it defeats the whole point of a condom too!

  • PetitePrince November 22nd, 2012 12:37 AM

    I love Deb and Mitch. Foreeever eveeerrrr!

    Now I might be wrong, and you might be wright (because Korean is a different alphabet), but I’m pretty sure Oppan gagnam style is not correct. Opa seems a more appropriate phonetic retranscription.

  • cherrycola27 November 22nd, 2012 12:40 AM

    Oh man I love these so much!

  • Casey November 22nd, 2012 1:16 AM

    Pixie, you’re a genius.

    My dad is pretty much Auntie Deb..trying to follow pop culture and whatnot, but getting the names all wrong. xD

    http://thebowandthebutterfly.blogspot.com/

  • kirsten November 22nd, 2012 1:27 AM

    Typical Mitch!

  • Mary the freak November 22nd, 2012 1:40 AM

    Your uncle is listening to Led Zeppelin while taking a shower?! Can I rent him?
    Seriously, this is hilarious and so funny! These two dudes rule!

    Kick out the hams,

    http://birdiewearsatie.blogspot.com/

    • jenaimarley November 22nd, 2012 10:46 AM

      No, he’s whistling Taylor Swift haha even cuter

  • emine November 22nd, 2012 3:22 AM

    uncle mitch is my spirit animal

  • Jolala November 22nd, 2012 3:58 AM

    D’awwwwwww

  • Amy Rose November 22nd, 2012 3:59 AM

    I have so been waiting for this family reunion. MITCH AND DEB FOREV.

  • Pearl November 22nd, 2012 4:08 AM

    Ugh, Uncle Mitch & Aunt Deb are like the best thing ever. Like ever.
    http://www.pforpearl.blogspot.com

  • sweetvalleyhi November 22nd, 2012 6:48 AM

    fav fictional family EVER

    • farawayfaerie November 22nd, 2012 2:06 PM

      wait, are mitch and debb not real? please don’t ruin my dreams. i’m about to start crying. i mean, it makes sense now…no one could be THAT COOL. but damn, pixie, please tell me it’s not true -_-

      • mickeyf19 November 25th, 2012 4:27 PM

        Faerie, I hate to be the one to ruin your dreams. But no, they aren’t real.

        STAY STRONG.

        People can be THAT COOL they just arent usually documented so thoroughly, lol…

  • Anita November 22nd, 2012 7:33 AM

    OMG! why do i find it so cute?

  • MissKnowItAll November 22nd, 2012 8:20 AM

    Aunt Debbie can buy me one direction tickets :)

  • catpower44 November 22nd, 2012 8:55 AM

    Open Candle Style. I laughed so hard when I read this, it’s not even funny how hard I laughed. Deb and Mitch ROCK.

  • soviet_kitsch November 22nd, 2012 9:22 AM

    DOUGHY RAMONE

  • jenaimarley November 22nd, 2012 10:45 AM

    Awww wait is this real?

  • eliselbv November 22nd, 2012 11:50 AM

    Mitch and Deb are the best !!! I’m looking forward for the next conversation !!!

    http://www.iloveyourjokes.blogspot.com

  • Maren Elisabeth November 22nd, 2012 11:57 AM

    aaaah!! THIS IS AMAZING

  • Britney November 22nd, 2012 12:01 PM

    OPEN CANDLE STYLE FOREVER.

    Aunt Debbie & Uncle Mitch are seriously amazing.

  • sunshine November 22nd, 2012 12:44 PM

    Oh my god I just want to meet your auntie deb and uncle mitch already.

    http://www.batmanisreal.blogspot.com

  • Taylor WM November 22nd, 2012 1:31 PM

    One of my FAVORITE pieces on rookie, like ever. Im so excited you’ve done it again hahaa, it’s hilarious :D
    Taylor

    http://www.whitemoth.blogspot.co.uk

  • Chloe November 22nd, 2012 3:53 PM

    PRAISE MITCH AND DEBBIE. Honestly my favourite part of rookie, I go H.A.M. every time :’)

  • Resh November 22nd, 2012 5:55 PM

    OOOOHHHHHH I’m so happy Deb & Mitch are back!! AND THAT DEB IS ABOUT TO GO H.A.M. ON ONE DIRECTION!! [life=made] Haha I’d love a 1D vs. Led Zeppelin special :)

    Or… “Deb & Mitch: The Novel”

  • Janelle November 22nd, 2012 10:53 PM

    Now everyone who reads Rookie will be all like “open candle style!” every time they hear that song, and the rest of the world will sit and wonder, but will eventually start saying it as well, and there will be Youtube parodies and it will be glorious. All because of Aunt Debbie and Uncle Mitch (they are SO totally, absolutely real).

  • lizziemcguir3 November 23rd, 2012 2:20 AM

    Debbie & Mitch are always a classic. More, more, more.

  • plutosproject November 25th, 2012 1:29 AM

    I found Debbie and Mitch. Seriously.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M95CAeiOPtE

  • Kathting November 25th, 2012 6:05 AM

    This really really really cheered me up thankyou

    • Pixie November 27th, 2012 8:08 PM

      Aw, thanks! Your comment cheered me up, too!

  • BritishFish December 3rd, 2012 1:07 AM

    These just get better and better. Uncle Mitch forever!

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica January 26th, 2013 2:08 PM

    “I am never, ever, everrrrrr, giving up my leather!”

    LAUGHING SO HARD