I feel so overwhelmed right now. Every day I’m racing to put on my clothes before the bus comes, running to my next class, and trying so hard to finish all of my homework before it’s time to wake up again. It’s so hard to keep up with the clock, and I can barely handle it.
It’s like I’m moving through water. Today I’ve spent four hours procrastinating by cleaning my mostly clean room, and I’m not even done. I see a list my dad made me put up: “Ruby’s Responsibilities.” It has 13 things on it. Surrounding it are lists I made for myself: exercises I should do, but don’t; songs I need to learn; things I need to buy (toothpaste, makeup, socks); homework I need to finish; goals I’m afraid to set for myself (regarding grades, among other things); schedules I can’t stick to. I just keep writing list after list of things I need to do, and things I’ve done wrong, and things I can never do. This keeping of lists is not a new thing. I’ve been doing it since elementary school.
The days are way too short. I still have a ton of homework, and I’m panicking. I write lists, I throw them out; I do my homework, it’s not perfect, I throw it out. It’s like I have an infinite amount of things to do and think about, so even if I finish something, there’s always more. I’m actually shaking right now. Even if I do my homework and go for a run and study for bio and organize my closet and clean my bathroom and sort my records and email old friends and make more lists, I will still be shaking, because there’s never enough time to be perfect. I am only a person. Anxiety really sucks. ♦