Dear Diary

October 24, 2012

Everything and nothing.


Why does the last time I sat down to write my Rookie diary feel so long ago? Why can’t I work out what happened between now and then? Why does it feel like everything and nothing has happened all at once?

Nowadays I bombard myself with questions almost every time I write. But writing things down doesn’t help me figure them out. They are too complex, and they involve other people and a bigger sphere of reality. I can’t contain everything on one page anymore.

It’s my half-term* now, and the leaves are a crusty orange. On the first day of vacation, I went into the city with Kate.** That’s where we came up with the phrase “sphere of reality” while talking about how limited the human worldview can be. We tried on dresses and went to a rummage sale and shopped for semi-permanent hair dye (in a bluish tone for her, purplish for me). I like to pretend that a venture like this is a usual thing, but for reasons I’d rather not get into again, such journeys are difficult for me.

While walking through the crowds toward the train, I was handed a pamphlet: Five Things God Wants You to Know. It told me I needed saving. It confused me. I felt something, but it wasn’t the feeling of wanting to be saved. It was: Why me?

We took the train back, and even then I didn’t feel entirely real. “A feeling of unreality” is one of the symptoms of anxiety that I remember reading about long ago, on some leaflet or other. Anxiety can still be the bane of my existence, and I still think about it every day. The nausea slowly intensifies whenever I think of something that could potentially cause a panic attack. But it will get easier. It will get easier, I kept repeating to myself.

However much I want to, I can’t wish anxiety out of my life. I can’t be “saved” from it either. I can only do my best, and that involves fighting and pulling punches and breaking down walls, and it can be so hard. I think back to last autumn, when I was very much on my own, and I realise I can never go back to that isolation. I felt the cold and the frosts and the dark evenings so much more. But that’s done now, that’s it. This is the next phase of my life, and I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, instead of just standing still. ♦

*British for a holiday in the middle of a school term.

**I changed her name to protect her privacy.


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  • gnarlyelixir October 24th, 2012 7:11 PM


  • GlitterKitty October 24th, 2012 7:13 PM

    Ruby, you’ve read my mind. Last week I was so incredibly busy and stressed out and just had so much happening. I finally broke down and cried to my dad at midnight. Not god. I also do the list thing but seem to have stopped for a bit.

  • littlewoot October 24th, 2012 7:28 PM

    Ruby, I completely understand what you’re going through. I feel totally overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work I have to do in such a short amount of time (senior things, ASB, college essays, tests, etc.). I hope that you can overcome your anxiety and that the both of us can finally get some room to breathe. :)

  • fung-eyed October 24th, 2012 7:52 PM

    I love the mushroom background today so much and Ruby B.

  • julietpetal October 24th, 2012 8:28 PM

    Hey Katherine, why don’t you try learning something that is completely unrelated to your degree? Like knitting or sewing lessons or teach someone English while you learn their language, or you could start up an alternative school paper/magazine that’s not actually connected to the school? Maybe I should take my own advice here since I go home every night and sit on the Internet/read books for hours actually!

  • RainingMiceAndMen October 24th, 2012 8:40 PM

    I am so so so glad I’m not the only one who writes list after list when they get stressed out. I keep lists about everything.

    • jedarq93 October 24th, 2012 10:30 PM

      How are you climbbing out of the hole, sometimes it seems i live in a my own cave of fears. Naomi, your words are so touching, (sorry for my poor english :o ) those feelings are hard to be swallowed. Also Ruby, list of things to achieve can make people get obsessed about it, take a deep breath, life is for being lived like your individual self wants, pressure won’t help anybody (burn those list, burn them and don’t feel ashamed), gooooood luck! (i must follow my own advices, gosh)

  • koalabears October 24th, 2012 8:44 PM

    Naomi, I’m already tired of receiving religious pamphlets; I don’t know why but it always upsets me. Funny thing is, I keep them all, for no reason at all. Keep going at your own pace and do the things that bring you joy :)

  • wolnosc October 24th, 2012 9:05 PM

    Naomi, I can totally relate. I feel like I’m going through the same thing. I isolated myself for a while, but now I’m climbing out of the hole.

  • rhymeswithorange October 24th, 2012 9:27 PM

    Unrelated to the diary entries, but I sent in pictures of my diary for the journal gallery and I keep getting emails back that says the mailbox is full, is there anything you can do to fix this?

    • Anaheed October 24th, 2012 9:48 PM

      I’m working on clearing out that folder AS WE SPEAK; meanwhile go ahead and send it to me at anaheed at rookiemag dot com.

      • rhymeswithorange October 24th, 2012 9:53 PM


        • dandylioness October 25th, 2012 4:44 PM

          This is kinda out of the blue, but you have a really cool username.

  • Eryn October 24th, 2012 10:04 PM

    Caitlin, your illustration is really resonating with me right now. Also, Ruby, I totally feel you gurl. It seems like everyone feels the same way right now-everybody is super stressed, and overwhelmed, and tired, and in terrible moods. I feel like I’ve been in a shitty mood since school started.. First my grandpa died, then I had to catch up in school, and now everyday is just awful and boring and meaningless, cause I really don’t care about chemistry or polynomials, and I feel like I hate the world. All I really want to do right now is watch Freaks and Geeks, but I have to do math and spanish and clean my room and function like a real person.
    Gah, really pathetic complaint there, but I’m really just glad for Rookie, which helps me to not feeling alone. So I hope you don’t, either, Ruby.

    • karastarr32 October 25th, 2012 1:03 PM

      I feel you so much. I actually had to have a meeting with my Key Stage 3 coordinator/ English teacher to talk about how am smart but don’t put in any effort because HELLO DEAR GEOGRAPHY TEACHER PLEASE TELL ME HOW DISTINGUISHING DIFFERENT COASTAL LANDFORMS WILL HELP ME BECOME AN ACTRESS (what I want to be when I’m older).
      But I just get so stressed and I make these lists and then I can’t sleep and I just feel you guyssss. Internet group hug.

  • j-bird October 24th, 2012 10:05 PM

    Britney, I used to eat lunch in the band room every single day of middle school and high school! If there was no outsiders lunch spot at my high school, I probably wouldn’t have eaten at all. I hope you find a happy place!

  • thebrownette October 25th, 2012 12:12 AM

    oh ruby<3 i feel like that 80% of the time inside.

  • evagm October 25th, 2012 9:43 AM

    Naomi, I totally understand what you’re going through because I’m just starting to break through my own anxiety. It’s SO hard to do certain everyday things, and the way you ended your entry made me really realize I can’t just stand still anymore. Thank you!

  • Juliane October 25th, 2012 3:22 PM

    Britney, I can totally relate to you. I often need a place to hide.

  • Maradoll Mynx October 26th, 2012 1:07 AM

    Hi, Ruby…what you’ve just described is a great passion for life! Zeal and zest for your life’s activities, so much that there’s never enough time! This keeping of lists, this anxiety, this ~ ENERGY(!) ~ thank heavens for the inexhaustible store of it that you seem to have. Keep going, Ruby! It will all catch up with itself sooner than you think, and what it will look like is: SUCCESS. Tenacity and mindful activity with reminders to self and stuff are the main ingredients to eventual mastery of things and a great enjoyment of life :)

    “It’s like I’m moving through water.” Yes! That’s some d*n good description. I can say that I totally feel it b/c and describes my activities and behavior exactly. It’s anxiety with some perfectionism mixed in. But keep swimming through that water! You’ll dive, you’ll swim ~ and then eventually you will float, you’ll see :)

  • Matilda Blue October 26th, 2012 12:17 PM


    you make me feel like I’m not alone.

    …that’s all :)

  • radcatalyst October 26th, 2012 1:01 PM

    Hey, Naomi

    This might be out of nowhere but I also suffer from anxiety (and depression, whee!) but I’ve been using this program to help get through it and it’s pretty cool. It’s not a cult or anything but it does cost money.

    It’s based on cognitive behavioral therapy, which is all about actual exercises to get through the anxiety and panic attacks and depression (google it for more info and better phrasing than I can convey).

    Anywho, here’s the link to the program:

    They do sometimes talk about God and stuff, which I just ignore (I’m an atheist). So yeah. Just thought I’d share since I have similar issues.

    Good luck!


  • Jenn October 26th, 2012 3:49 PM

    Ruby we are feelings twins right now, seriously anxiety is the worst.

  • Miarele October 27th, 2012 7:47 AM

    Britney! It’s a little late but I just want to say I’m glad you’re on Dear Diary. I like your diary entries so much and I feel like I can always relate to everything you’ve written so far.

    Recently I also feel like finding a place to just get away from people most of the time. I often hide in the library nowadays, there are 2 libraries at my college which I just went alternately. I just search for the quietest spot and stay there, sometimes I even stayed so long to the point that I slept on the table. I know that I’m the one who’s alienating myself but I feel so lonely. I wonder since when did interaction with people become so… overwhelming? :(

  • gretagreta October 28th, 2012 9:24 PM

    Ruby, I am so so glad that someone feels the exact same way. I write a “to do this weekend” list that I don’t finish so then it becomes a “to do on Monday night” list but then I have more homework to do…ughh just thinking about it makes me cross and uncross my fingers (my very strange stress habit..naah I’m not crazy).
    There’s always next weekend?
    Greta xoxo