Dear Diary

October 17, 2012

Stay inside.

Katherine

I just wanted to get my laundry. I slumped out to the elevator at 1:30 AM and waited in front of a group of people hanging out in the chairs in the lobby on my floor. The doors of the elevator opened to reveal three people sitting on a cart. Two girls, one guy. All completely slap-happy. They talked some nonsense that went like, “OMG COLLEGE WE’RE UP LATE ON A SCHOOLNIGHT.” They laughed and laughed and laughed. We’re loud. Ha ha. We’re so crazy ha ha ha ha ha ha. Two of them proclaimed themselves king and queen of the elevator, the third a princess. I was their servant. “PUSH THE BUTTON FOR THE FIFTH FLOOR, PEASANT,” they yelled at me before I got out. Ha.

I gathered up my clean clothes in the sauna that my dorm has tried to disguise as a laundry room and went back to the elevator. I paused. Hearing the maniacal laughter of their majesties, I turned tail and took the stairs.

It was six flights up to my floor, and by the time I got to the top, I was exhausted and wheezing. I made eye contact with a guy sitting by the elevator, who must’ve been a witness to my torment. He smiled. Getting it, I laughed. “She took the stairs,” he said, giggling. I shrugged and said sorry before hurrying back to my room.

I didn’t dislike the kids who tormented me in the elevator. I don’t even know them. But sometimes you just want some peace.

Friday night I finally got that. I packed up all my shit and headed over to my house—by which I mean my parents’ house. Getting home took about 10 minutes because I got stuck at every traffic light and passed road work. My parents were gone until Saturday, so I would be queen of my own castle for the night. I don’t want to brag, but I do staying at home right. I blared music and lip-synced like my life depended on it and sat on the floor eating pizza and cookies that I made. I covered my face with glitter and tried to figure out how to get the channel that was showing a program called The Dark Side of Dolphins. I drank milk straight from the carton. Being home alone is what I do best. And yet, I felt like an intruder the whole time. I felt weird, like the walls were whispering to me to tell me that I didn’t belong there anymore. I tried to fight them by occupying every room at some point and by generally making a mess, but nothing worked.

Later that night, I went up to my bedroom for the first time since I left for college. I thought that would feel right, but it felt empty and alien. I got in bed and cried until I fell asleep. I dreamed that I was back at my old school again, and woke up more upset than before. It was like every emotion I ever experienced in high school was attacking me all at once. I felt like shit and didn’t know how to stop it.

This is stupid, but I dug up this old throw pillow my mom gave me when I was little and had sleep anxiety. She told me it would absorb all of my nightmares, like a dream-catcher. I sat on my bed and clutched the pillow until I felt better. I tried to let it soak up all of my anxieties. It doesn’t really work anymore. ♦

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32 Comments

  • carofine October 17th, 2012 7:15 PM

    Katherine – I just started college too and I swear everything you’ve written about is exactly how I’m feeling! I live about 10 minutes away from my parent’s house too, and does feel really weird to see all the memorabilia I collected in high school all over my bedroom. It’s nice to know that there’s other people out there who are still adjusting to the college life.

  • catpower44 October 17th, 2012 7:22 PM

    I’ve always wanteda ouija board, but I’ve been a little freaked out too!

  • Devan October 17th, 2012 7:29 PM

    Katherine – I know what you mean… Going home after staying at college feels so weird! I feel so awkward around my family too; it’s like I don’t belong there anymore. Then when I go back to school, it’s just the same feeling all over again. It’s like there’s no escape….

  • rabbitsongz October 17th, 2012 7:37 PM

    http://www.etsy.com/listing/110310180/vintage-ouija-board-halloween-decor

  • Madelaine Theo October 17th, 2012 8:01 PM

    I’ve never even considered the whole ‘evil spirit’ side of the Ouija board. Thanks to Downton Abbey, I was convinced that spirits only ever come to visit to wish his or her fiance and the love of his life happiness. This, of course, is completely ridiculous.

  • ShelbyNicole October 17th, 2012 8:04 PM

    Britney- Don’t stress about Ouija! We bought one from Target a couple years ago. My brother and I have messed with it a couple of times. My Mom told us stories about how she and her friends played with them. It’s stupid and funny. Just treat it as a stupid game and not like a tool for witchcraft and wizardry and talking to spirits.
    Sometimes it can get weird, just don’t believe in it. Once people start getting serious about it it gets freaky. I really like that you were up front about your concerns too! And if you’re too worried about it, then just don’t use one, nobody’s gonna judge!

  • koalabears October 17th, 2012 8:19 PM

    Ruby, when I was learning how to play the violin I’d also do it because it was fun, but I’d sometimes get frustrated and feeling like I wasn’t doing it right. I stopped practising for a while (and can’t wait to start again), but I think it’s awesome when you get that feeling you wrote about, when you feel just excited to be part of a group that is creating something. I really hope you have a great time next time you practise :D

  • kirsten October 17th, 2012 8:37 PM

    I’ve been told that you’re only supposed to use Ouija boards at night!
    Hahaha I totally buy into all the creepy Ouija board legends. My mother told me when I was in 3rd grade that playing with an Ouija board would send me to hell!

  • GlitterKitty October 17th, 2012 8:40 PM

    My sister just recently found my diary and fuh-reaked out. I get pretty melodramatic and moody in there so I can see why, but she got all worried and told my mom but neither one bothered to talk to me about it. I was horrified and shocked. I’m even more anxious now because I’m wondering when/if they’re going to ask me about it. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. I wish I got the choice about if I wanted to share what was in there with them.

  • Yellie October 17th, 2012 9:39 PM

    Katherine, please be my friend.

  • Ana October 17th, 2012 9:46 PM

    Naomi, i completely agree with everything you’ve written. I am also a journal junkie and i love hearing about other girls that journal as well. Makes me feel like i’m not alone on my thoughts about journaling.

  • bee1000 October 17th, 2012 10:13 PM

    Katherine, you’ve got it backwards: You go home first, and then you do laundry!*

    I am sorry your anxiety-absorbing pillow didn’t do the trick. That probably just means you’re growing up.

    *Assuming, of course, you’ve a washer/dryer at home.

  • Ruby B. October 17th, 2012 10:24 PM

    Ouija boards are so fun! Mine glows in the dark.

  • Abby October 17th, 2012 11:00 PM

    I hear you, Katherine.

    Also, Naomi… I’m constantly worried about someone reading my journal, because not only do I not want anyone knowing my deep dark secrets, but I also pretty much only write in it when I’m deeply, deeply upset. So… I’m pretty sure that if anyone read it, they’d probably think I was, like, super depressed or something, which I’m not, so I just try to keep it away from prying eyes. But I also think that maybe if I find my soulmate someday, I might show them my journal. Because what I write in there really shows my deepest, darkest thoughts about certain things, and I think those are important things for a soulmate to know. And I think it would be easier for me to just have them read it than for me to tell them. But for now, my journal is mine, and only mine.

  • izi October 17th, 2012 11:27 PM

    I was wondering what the process is like on choosing diarists? I sent in some writing to become one and I’m waiting to hear back :3

  • EveyMarrie October 18th, 2012 12:26 AM

    Okay, with the Ouija board, I’m going to say that I thought it was all fun and games too, but I do believe in the supernatural also, so when I asked for one for Xmas, my intent was to find a spirit to talk to.

    So I got it, opened it up on Xmas morning, and talked to some little kid named Jeremy who proceeded to spin the thingy in a circle and sent it off the board.

    Now, if you have read any Ouija myth/tales, that little remote thingy is the thing allowing the spirits to communicate. By allowing it go off the board, it allows the spirit to go free. This usually ends up bad.

    For the rest of the month, the worst possible things kept occurring. My family’s financial problems, me getting consistent bad grades, cars breaking down at 3 in the morning returning from a New Years party and having to push the car into our community and walk all the way home, just crazy bad stuff.

    Finally, my mom (also superstitious and into the supernatural stuff) took the board, burned it, and buried it in the forest next to my house. After that, EVERYTHING got better.

    You don’t have to believe everything I’m saying, but I’m definitely not touching another Ouija board for a while.

    My point of this tale: Bless your board before messing with it. Put silver on it, throw some holy water on the sucker, salt it up, light some evil-warding candles, whatever. Be careful. And don’t let that thing off the board. Seriously.

  • periwinkle_dreams October 18th, 2012 1:11 AM

    Katherine – I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel well-adjusted and like I’ve made a lot of friends already and things are going great, hoorah and all that jazz…but sometimes I feel like everyone else hangs out with people all the time and is already planning who to room with next year, when I’m sitting around reading The Picture of Dorian Grey and The Hobbit and Bossypants every afternoon because I finally have free time, which is sometimes fabulous but sometimes weird and lonely. Not even lonely, really – more like…solitary, I guess, in a way that feels strange and disconcerting because I’ve never experienced it before. Home for me is a 17 hour drive away, or else it’s here, or else it’s I don’t know where. It all takes some getting used to.

    • Abby October 18th, 2012 9:41 AM

      I understand this post completely… I’m from (very) southern Maryland, but I’m at college in upstate NY, and it takes about ten hours to drive home. As much as I wanted to get away from my hometown in the first place, I kind of regret it now, because I miss it so much. I miss my stupid hometown with nothing to do and I miss my family and my friends and I really regret going so far away sometimes. I mean, I like my school… but I wish I could just pick up my town and plop it right next to my school. Sometimes I feel okay… I do have some friends… but I would honestly give the world to go back to the way it was before I left. I feel lonely a lot… not physically lonely (I’m practically never alone–welcome to college), but emotionally lonely… like no one really gets what I’m going through. Most people here live close… I’ve literally met one person who is out of state like me. My best friend here lives in the next town over and goes home every weekend. I know that other people get homesick, too… I just feel like it’s different. I’m not the same as them; they don’t get what I personally am going through. It’s hard.

  • Janiebird October 18th, 2012 2:26 AM

    Naomi – You are an incredible writer. I love your entry. It flows so beautifully and feels so vivid. Keep it up. :) Thank you!

  • Lila Gracie October 18th, 2012 2:46 AM

    the title of Naomi’s entry made me really curious, can rookie do a piece on diaries please? have you already? i let someone read mine once and i’ve always regretted it, it would be nice to know if there is some unwritten code of conduct when it comes to the privacy of diaries!

  • Lillypod October 18th, 2012 4:17 AM

    Please, please, please don’t get a Ouija board. Just don’t.
    This is a warning. I know what I’m talking about and you don’t want those things in your life.
    It’s not all fun and games. Don’t treat it like a joke. I’m deadly serious.

  • raggedyanarchy October 18th, 2012 10:06 AM

    I’ve always wanted to use a ouija board–but they’re so hard to find! Maybe since it’s close to Halloween, I can find one and use it with my friends. Hey! Maybe we’ll be like The Craft only in real life! Actually, no that would suck, as like three people died in that movie and their friendship was destroyed and one character ends up in an insane asylum, so maybe not.

  • emine October 18th, 2012 3:06 PM

    I was very skeptical when it came to ouija boards because I’d had many fruitless experiences, but one day my friend and I decided to do it right. We got a piece of carton and made our own ouija board, kind of so that it’s energy would be more personal? We lit white candles and incense to keep away the bad spirits, etc, and held hands and waited to see what happened. For a while it was absolute silence but then it actually started moving and we got so scared that we dropped it on the floor, and it continued to move and spelled out the name of the father of our friends, who died in 2008. We proceeded to cry hysterically but it remains a positive experience for me because he was a man that I cared for and so long as you don’t abuse the spirit I think it’s worth a shot.

  • OhLeopoldLeopold October 18th, 2012 3:10 PM

    Well, Ms. Britney, I do believe that you should be incredibly careful if you do get one. I’m not going to say “HEY DON’T DO THAT STAHP WANTING ONE”, but just please be careful, because you are awesome and that would suck. My grandma is the sweetest lady, but as a wee child I asked about one, and she grabbed my wrist tightly, and said “Don’t ever mess around with something that is unknown, something that is completely uncontrollable.”
    That’s my reason for not doing that, because that scared the shizzy-nizzy out of my little lace-friled socks.

  • Laura Lemon October 18th, 2012 3:57 PM

    Ruby’s band is great! they’re actually a lot of fun to listen to while doing mind-numbing chem homework. Yay for Llama Sanchez!

  • Maude October 18th, 2012 7:49 PM

    Dang Caitlin, it looks like you’re having a really tough week. I hope things get better. I suggest sugar. Don’t even worry about eating it in some kind of food. Just a spoon and some sugar. Unless you’re diabetic, in which case celery is good, too.

    • Caitlin H. October 19th, 2012 9:22 AM

      I might actually try this, whilst singing “a spoonful of sugar” from Mary Poppins!

  • annamalous October 18th, 2012 10:22 PM

    It’s as if I can’t say this enough: Katherine, I know how you feel. :( Growing up is a trap.

  • Sssophiabh October 18th, 2012 10:45 PM

    Whaaat Katherine I know EXACTLY how you feel. I dorm about a 30 minute subway ride away from my house, and at first it was really weird going home. Before moving, I though it would be like I had 2 homes, but once I moved, it felt more like I didn’t have a home in either place. My dorm was new and strange and my home wasn’t the way it used to be. I’m definitely getting used to it though and I’m sure you will too!

  • Ella W October 19th, 2012 11:14 AM

    Naomi – I have kept a diary for about 3 years, and just the other day I trusted my friend with it. It felt strange, as it’s like giving away all my secrets and everything that makes me, but I liked how I felt I could trust her. But I can understand why you don’t want anyone reading your diary, it took me a long time before I was ready to give up mine.
    Great entry by the Way.

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica November 11th, 2012 11:52 AM

    Wow. I relate to every single one of these diary entries so much.

    I want to get a Ouija board, but I know that I never will, because I am an extremely easily scared person (even the mildest, shortest horror movie trailers on TV terrify me and keep me up at night for days and days; everyone else forgets about them five seconds later… -_-) and I am 100% sure that it would freak the living daylights out of me. But in theory, I’d LOVE to have one! ;(

    • Cutesycreator aka Monica November 11th, 2012 11:55 AM

      I forgot to mention how gorgeous Caitlin’s diary entry is. Hopefully the week wasn’t too excruciating! :}