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Monster Manual

A list of my favorite evil creatures.

I love monsters; and the more wicked and unusual a monster looks or acts, the more I fall in love with it. Ghosts and crazy humans can be exciting, but those scary creatures that spring from human imagination, whether through folklore or the modern mythmaking of scary movies, freak me out the most. And I love to be freaked out!

Here’s a list of some of my favorite monsters from films and literature, along with a mini survival guide should you ever come into contact with one of them in the dead of night (and you definitely will, oh you will…).

1. Zombies

Who/what are they? Teenagers who have just woken up for school, OR corpses who have come back to life. The latter is a more accurate definition.

Pros: Zombies are slow. It’s important to note the distinction between zombies and crazed cannibals who won’t die (like from the movie 28 Days Later, where the rabid attackers run around like maniacs). Zombies are walking cadavers with deteriorating brains. They’re really dumb and they move at a glacial pace.

Cons: They don’t die and they want to eat your brains. (Though it’s commonly believed that if you chop their heads off, they’ll stop chasing you.)

Your chance of survival: If you encounter a handful of zombies, you probably have a 90% chance of survival. However, the problem with zombies is that when they attack other people, those people become zombies, so zombie populations spread rapidly. You might find yourself the only non-zombie in your entire town, and that’s when your chance of survival decreases dramatically.

2. Frankenstein’s Monster, from countless movies, TV shows, and books

Who/what is it? A man-made man created by Dr. Victor Frankenstein. It’s never quite clear just how the monster was created, but he’s super tall, super buff, and may or may not be green. In some depictions he’s made out of pieced-together body parts from cadavers, which is a really unique look in my opinion.

Pros: He’s a really nice guy and he just wants to be loved. His brain not fully developed, so it’s fairly easy to manipulate him to do what you want him to do. The only problem is he’s dangerously aggressive and strong.

Cons: He has no understanding of social norms, nor of his own strength. He’s also a sensitive boy and gets angry at the mobs of people coming at him with pitchforks and fire.

Your chance of survival: 80%. Frankenstein isn’t even that scary. He’s only a monster because people make him out to be that way. I would know; we’re currently dating.

3. The Pale Man, from Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)

Who/what is it? A disturbing-looking child-eating monster.

Pros: He has no eyes! Well, on his face, at least (he has them on his hands.) He generally leaves people who come into his lair untouched, but there is a catch…

Cons: The Pale Man sits at the head of a table covered in delicious-looking food. If you eat any of it, he’ll eat you. It sounds SO simple, but for whatever reason, this food is made to look extra delicious and tempting.

Your chance of survival: 60%. Just don’t eat anything! Seriously! Oh, except if he’s serving Snack Ums Froot Loops, those large Froot Loops that I literally can’t find anywhere these days. Those are really good, just saying.

4. Dracula, from about a bazillion different books, comics, movies, TV shows, songs, poems, plays, and rock operas

Who/what is it? Dracula is a vampire who has lived for centuries and is well-educated in the dark arts. He usually inhabits dark, crumbling castles because DUH.

Pros: Dracula has some textbook allergies that come in handy when you’re fighting vamps. He doesn’t like crosses, ’cause he’s evil. If you wear garlic or rub some on yourself, he won’t want to suck your blood. He doesn’t appear in mirrors, and he can’t be out in bright light. He might be gluten-intolerant, but don’t quote me on that.

Cons: Depending on which portrayal of Dracula you’re enjoying, Dracula can be either really seductive (Frank Langella) or downright ghastly (Max Schreck). But whether he’s a fox or a ghoul, Dracula has some major cons. He wants to suck your blood, and that can either kill you OR turn you into a vampire. Do you really want to be a vampire? If you do, that’s OK; I respect your alternative lifestyle.

Your chance of survival: 50%. I think you have a good chance of surviving a Dracula attack, because he’s actually such a wimp. I mean, the dude can’t even go out in the sun! He has some slick moves, so watch your back, but I think you can beat him.

5. The Cenobites, from Hellraiser (1987)

Who/what are they? They’re mutilated creatures from the underworld that practice an extreme form of S&M and want to kill you. COOL, right?!

Pros: These weirdos are really easy to bribe and confuse. At one point the protagonist of Hellraiser is hiding behind a cardboard box in a closet, and the cenobites can’t find her. LOL, idiots. They’re also really hilarious-looking, so they make for good laughs. But don’t laugh at them, because they’ll totally want to take your soul!

Cons: They’re evil, they’re hell-bent on destruction, and they have terrible taste in clothing. That dark leather robe does not flatter Pinhead’s pale complexion!

Your chance of survival: 30%. You have to have a SERIOUSLY good bribe (Example: Did one of their captives escape the underworld? Help them find him!) to get these guys to stop thinking about tearing your soul apart.

6. The Creeper, from Jeepers Creepers (2001)

Who/what is it? I…don’t…know?! It’s believed to be some sort of immortal demon that has wings and wants to use your skin to make arts and crafts. It is also said to have been inspired by the Jersey Devil.

Pros: He’s a really bad driver, so you’ll be able to tell if he’s coming to get you in his pickup from a mile away. I just want to say to him, “Dude! You canNOT honk the horn like a maniac! I don’t care if you’re not human, it’s rude!” but he probably wouldn’t listen to me anyway. Ugh, monsters these days! He hunts humans every 23rd spring, for 23 days. So just mark your calendars in advance and don’t go outside that day!

Cons: He can fly with his big ol’ bat wings, which is pretty disturbing. Oh, and he feasts on human body parts. Sooo unhealthy!

Your chance of survival: I give you a 30% chance of survival. This guy is way freaky, and he tracks down his victims by sensing their fear. So, if you’re afraid of him, you’re doomed. Stay chill and maybe you won’t be eaten?

7. The Thing, from The Thing (1982)

Who/what is it? The Thing is suspected to be an alien, but it’s never quite explained. When it’s dug up from the ice in Antartica, it looks like some sort of humanoid. What we do know is that it can duplicate the cells of any living creature and become that creature.

Pros: Although it will try, the Thing will never fully be human, so you’ll sort of be able to tell if you’re talking to a normal person or the Thing. Emphasis on sort of. You can also kill this thing with fire, so grab the nearest blowtorch!

Cons: It can change into any living creature. I repeat: it can change into any living creature. What a prankster! It also totally hates dogs, and that’s not cool!

Your chance of survival: 20%. The Thing is such a jerk because it will totally clone your boyfriend and when you think you’re making out with him you’re ACTUALLY going to be making out with a HUMANOID alien! Ah! And then it will kill you and absorb your cells. ☹ You will just barely have a chance.

8. Werewolves, from any movie OTHER than Twilight

Who/what are they? Human who can change into wolves or wolflike creatures.

Pros: Wolves are adorable! You can also, according to everyone, kill werewolves using a silver bullet. Where you get these bullets, I don’t know. Maybe Hot Topic?

Cons: Wolves eat people! Or, at least werewolves do. Also, werewolves are humans that can become wolves, which means that any human can become a werewolf. Which means that you can become a werewolf. Which means that you probably are a werewolf and you never even knew it. Also, werewolves aren’t usually like Jacob from Twilight. They usually have no self-control when they morph.

Your chance of survival: I would say your chance of survival hinges on the circumstances in which you encounter a werewolf. Are you alone in the woods? 0% chance of survival. Are you walking down an alley where there are a few people around? Maybe 20%. It all depends.

9. Crawlers, from The Descent (2005)

Who/what are they? Subterranean, extremely underdeveloped human beings that feed off of other humans.

Pros: They’re blind!

Cons: They have a highly advanced sense of hearing and scent! Aw, man…

Your chance of survival: 5%. A lot of surviving an attack from these creatures has to do with getting out of their habitat: the dark caves. But remember, they’re technically human, so fight them like you would fight any other human (by attacking them on Tumblr).

10. Freddy Krueger, from the Nightmare on Elm Street series (1984-2010)

Who/what is it? Freddy was a child killer who was set on fire by a group of parents in the neighborhood. His body died, but his spirit remained in the town, haunting the dreams of his killers’ parents.

Pros: He actually has a great sense of humor and is very creative (aw, he made that glove of knives all by himself!). He also has nice style: A striped sweater? How adorable! I would probably be matched up him on OKCupid. That’s not weird, right?

Cons: He is evil and terrifying-looking (the dude is burnt to a pulp). Plus, his main MO is to attack you in your dreams while you sleep. So, it’s really hard to run away from him. Also (spoiler alert) he kills a young Johnny Depp! NOT COOL! He also has a glove of rusted knives that he wears for cutting vegetables into excellent salads. Oh, wait, actually he uses the knives to hurt people. My mistake!

Your chance of survival: 0%. The dude gets into your DREAMS. You will never, ever be able to kill him. You’re totally screwed, and by screwed I mean dead. Sorry, folks! ♦

37 Comments

  • puffling October 30th, 2012 3:23 PM

    THE DESCENT FILMS ARE THE BEST FILMS EVER.

    Every Rookie reader needs to watch them, so exciting to have films with strong women as pretty much 100% of the characters.

    • hellorose October 30th, 2012 6:15 PM

      but watch the UK ending. sooooo much better!!!

      • puffling October 31st, 2012 7:22 AM

        god, i had no idea there even was an alternate ending, appalling!

  • lubs October 30th, 2012 3:42 PM

    “so fight them like you would fight any other human (by attacking them on Tumblr).” hm YES

  • I.ila October 30th, 2012 4:02 PM

    This gave me a lot of good halloween movie ideas. Thanks!

  • Abby October 30th, 2012 4:04 PM

    OMG I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNEW ABOUT PAN’S LABYRINTH. No one I tell about it EVER knows what I’m talking about but it’s seriously one of my favorite movies. It’s SO GOOD. And the pale man is the grossest and creepiest and scariest thing ever.

    Also, I hate Dracula, because seriously, that book is LITERALLY THE WORST THING EVER. It is boring as hell (pun intended) and the climax is the most un-climactic climax ever. And some scholars say that Bram Stoker wrote it as a giant-ass metaphor as to why women shouldn’t be sexual or have sexual desires or have their own opinions. So… yeah.

    Also also, I’ve always felt bad for Frankenstein, especially after I read the book… he just wants to be LOVED!!!

    • Maggie October 30th, 2012 5:27 PM

      I agree with your Dracula-bashing. I hate that book! Frankenstein is 100 times better.

      • Kathryn November 2nd, 2012 6:12 PM

        I was rooting for the Creature the whole time while I was reading Frankenstein last year!

    • raggedyanarchy October 30th, 2012 7:27 PM

      I LOVE Pan’s Labyrinth. It’s the best! The Pale Man scared the crap out of me! With his saggy skin and awkward gait and creepy mouth and his HAND-EYES. NO. That is not a children’s movie, although my parents totally thought it was. Which is how I watched it when I was eight or nine despite its being R.

      • Yip October 31st, 2012 2:59 PM

        My parents also thought it was a nice children’s movie.

        They were so wrong.

        • Kathryn November 2nd, 2012 6:13 PM

          I feel like everyone confuses it with Labyrinth. Or is that just me?

  • nickz October 30th, 2012 4:07 PM

    Aw, Freddy is my favourite mainly for his creepy sense of humour.For the rest of them I haven t really seen the movies except for parts from The Descent and Dracula but my dad has Hellraiser on DVD but I m still not sure if I should check it out.

    http://rightrough.blogspot.ie/

  • ♡ reba ♡ October 30th, 2012 4:41 PM

    this is brilliant, so funny!!!

  • Anna F. October 30th, 2012 4:48 PM

    The first thing I did when I saw this post was scroll down to check that the Descent was included. SCARIEST MOVIE OF RECENT YEARS, YES? I was watching it alone in my room in the middle of the night and by the time I got to that part at the end (you know the one) I was so freaked out I had to wake up my roommate to finish the movie with me.

    Great list, Hazel.

    • victoria October 31st, 2012 7:11 AM

      OH MY GOD THE DESCENT

      first time watching = no sleep in a week

  • pauline October 30th, 2012 5:00 PM

    I really like the Bela Lugosi version of Dracula! Also gave me a lot of halloween movie night ideas, thanks!

  • streaked lights October 30th, 2012 5:31 PM

    Seen almost all the movies, except for Descent. And after all of you saying it’s terrifying, I think I’ve found my Halloween night movie!
    Personally, I was terrified of the Pale Man for the longest time on his looks alone. Just so creepy!

    Frankenstein’s poor creation doesn’t deserve to be on this list, HE’S NOT A MONSTER, HE’S JUST MISUNDERSTOOD. (And if I hear someone call him ‘Frankenstein’ -one- more time…)

    http://www.anooshadraws.blogspot.com

    • KaiSparda October 30th, 2012 7:02 PM

      Ugh, I know. The Frankenstein thing is one of my biggest pet-peeves. Frankenstein is the doctor, people! The monster doesn’t have a name!

    • raggedyanarchy October 30th, 2012 7:16 PM

      I know, right! Frankenstein MAKES the monster, the monster is just called Frankenstein’s monster. Seriously, people. It’s not that hard to understand.
      And he really isn’t technically a monster–he doesn’t kill any innocent bystanders or cuddly animals and actually SAVED people too but no we can’t talk about that we have to focus on his murders.

      • -alexandra- October 31st, 2012 10:14 AM

        Frankenstein’s monster IS a monster. He murders Victor’s 7 year old brother, indirectly murders Justine by placing the blame on Justine for the death of the brother, murders his best friend and his lover on his WEDDING NIGHT. The monster was acting out of revenge because Victor wouldn’t make a bride for him.

        I’m not saying Victor shouldn’t also take blame. He did something completely unnatural in bringing a something to life.

        Frankenstein’s monster is not poor and innocent. He is very literate and knows about social manners when after observing the French family in the mountains of Germany. If you read the book, he is just as well spoken as the very educated Victor.

        The monster knows what he is doing. He uses his brute strength to threaten Victor to build another creature like him.

  • DishCloth October 30th, 2012 6:35 PM

    What? The Ghostbuster’s Marshmallow man doesn’t make the list?

  • KaiSparda October 30th, 2012 7:01 PM

    I’m glad my baby Freddy Krueger is at 100%. Also a pro – he’s a character in the latest Mortal Kombat game! How badass is that?!

  • umi October 30th, 2012 7:02 PM

    THE THING WAS MENTIONED OFFICIALLY SUPER IN LOVE WITH ROOKIE MAG ATM

  • raggedyanarchy October 30th, 2012 7:13 PM

    OH MY GOD THE PALE MAN. I love Pan’s Labyrinth! I thought I was the only one who even knew what it was! God, the Pale man scared the crap out of me and instilled a fear of eating strange foods that may come from questionable sources. The Pale Man is like one of the most imaginative monsters though. Check out his eyes! They’re in his HANDS!
    And the pile of children’s shoes? Creeeeeepy.
    Oh, I didn’t know you could kill a Crawler by attacking them on Tumblr! I should look into that, just in case.

  • whirlingdervish October 30th, 2012 7:25 PM

    aww no weeping angels? :) but fantastic list!

    • flocha October 31st, 2012 10:27 AM

      I know, they are so terrifying…

  • Sonja October 30th, 2012 7:52 PM

    Hazel – you rule.

  • deuxiemesexe October 30th, 2012 7:52 PM

    NO BUFFY MONSTERS I’m disappointed

  • Josefina October 30th, 2012 9:19 PM

    I like drawing eyes on my palms and pretending I’m the Pale Man (I didn’t know it had a name!). In school. Where buildings are… there, and my palm-eyes might not be so trustworthy. I like your list, anyway!

  • oh...hi cindy October 30th, 2012 11:48 PM

    i’ve been thinking about the monster-baby-thing from eraserhead lately, the scariest part about it is that david lynch won’t say what it really was aaaahhh

  • Adrienne October 31st, 2012 12:14 AM

    Pale Man is so freaking scary! Pale Man reminds me of Slenderman- a creepy, tall, pale guy in a black suit who just stands there and watches you.

    http://theslenderman.wikia.com/wiki/Slender_Man

    There’s actually a game based off of him where you’re in the middle of the woods on a dark night and you have to collect notes. The only trick is not to run into Slenderman. If you look at him, then you lose!!!

    http://theaverageasiangirl.blogspot.com

  • zhajean October 31st, 2012 12:52 AM

    Zombies ♥

  • Space Witch October 31st, 2012 1:57 AM

    I LOVE MONSTERS! My favorites have to be Cthulhu, Nosferatu, and Godzilla. Scary monsters make everything so much better.

  • vanguardinspace October 31st, 2012 4:15 AM

    This is awesome! I’m loving all the Halloween stuff.
    That being said, I’m missing the Sex + Love posts. There hasn’t been one in quite a while. What’s going on?

    • Anaheed October 31st, 2012 4:22 AM

      We’ve got some coming up.

  • Krista November 1st, 2012 10:03 AM

    Auuugh Pale Man!! I just watched Pan’s Labyrinth a few weeks ago and I have literally been having nightmares, and then I saw someone dressed as him for Halloween and he was carrying a basket of glitter grapes, which was actually kind of awesome. This was a fantastic list!!

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica December 31st, 2012 11:23 AM

    I laughed out loud multiple times while reading this :D