Dear Diary

September 5, 2012

Lots of change, and some discombobulation.


I’m in a state of total confusion right now. I want to run away from here, and I want to stay in my dorm room forever. I think I know exactly who I am and what I want one moment, and I realize I’m nobody the next. I go from feeling strong and funny and confident to feeling fat and ugly and stupid. And then I’ll think it’s stupid to feel that way and feel even worse.

It’s as if little cartoon birds have been circling my head all week. It started on Tuesday. I spent the day playing my flute and reading. I didn’t have any classes that day. I felt awesome! Until I got a text from a girl in my advanced French class saying she hadn’t seen me that day and asking if I had dropped the course. It turns out I had misread my schedule and missed three classes that day, one of which had a no-miss policy. I freaked out. I started throwing everything in my vicinity at the wall and crying. I’m not that kind of student, this isn’t me, I kept on telling myself. It was an overreaction, but I think I needed to freak in order to realize that I could handle the situation by just emailing my teachers and asking kids in my classes what I had missed.

I spent Wednesday doing all of the homework and reading I was supposed to have done by Tuesday. Thursday, I went to the classes I had missed. I had to choose and share my idea for a class presentation in French that I totally bs’ed. It was so bad, you guys. I ended up proposing to do one on ballet. That’s so fucking stupid! I could have done Rimbaud’s poems or Le Petit Prince or any of the one million artists or writers I studied in French last year. But I chose ballet. I might as well have chosen cheese or wine. In the class after that, I got my ass handed to me for not knowing who Proust is, which made me feel even worse and even more stupid. It feels like everyone in that class has read every novel by Dostoyevsky and is well-versed in philosophy. It’s mostly juniors and seniors, but being behind still makes me feel like shit.

Friday came, and nothing got any better. I was late to a flute lesson because I got locked out of a building. Because I was late for the lesson, my teacher held me up, making me late for my next class. Did I mention that the lesson wasn’t even on campus? So I had to run back to campus and then to my building in the motherfucking rain. In a see-through blouse. The cherry on top of all this was walking into my class mid-discussion and knocking every marker and eraser out of the whiteboard tray with my backpack while walking to my desk. Everyone was silent until I sat down. That class, I turned in a subpar poetry explication where I completely misunderstood the last part of the poem “First Snow” by Mary Oliver, because I’m an incapable idiot.

Were I in a familiar place, I would have found some of this stuff funny. Instead, it makes me cringe. Friday night, I bought fast food and red nail polish as gifts to myself for getting through a shitty week. I went back to my dorm and watched episode after episode of Battlestar Galactica and A Bit of Fry & Laurie as therapy.

I feel like such a bitch for complaining this much. I feel like everything should be peachy keen right now. Tons of people don’t ever get to go to college. I’m going to a fancy private one. I’m so lucky! But I feel confused and lonely and unsure of myself. I need peace of mind. I need familiar faces. I even wished I were back in high school the other day. Ew! Is there a cure for my confusion and stupidity? More important, does anyone want to give me a hug and a slap in the face? ♦


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  • Naomi September 5th, 2012 7:25 PM

    i love you <3

    • Naomi September 5th, 2012 7:25 PM

      and i’ll miss your diary so fucking much

      • Katherine September 5th, 2012 8:56 PM

        srsly stay a teen 4 everrrrrrr. Do like that movie 17 again, get a genius brother, and drink sum potion. When you want to grow up you can just jump into a pool that has a magical bath bomb in it. trust me, it’ll work.

        • Ruby B. September 5th, 2012 10:49 PM

          Oh Dylan I am going to miss your diary so much!

    • Caitlin H. September 6th, 2012 4:17 PM

      I’m going to miss Dylan too, you all write so so beautifully.

  • lylsoy September 5th, 2012 7:25 PM

    Dude, I’ll miss Dylans diary entries!! <3

  • PaolaB September 5th, 2012 7:40 PM

    Ruby! I think that girl wanted you to team up with her and kill those preppy girls. Or, she was not a murderer and was just saying how annoying they are with her eyes.

  • Maggie September 5th, 2012 7:46 PM

    I <3 Caitlin
    How do you make black hearts?
    (sounds like a really deep poem- really I mean what's the keyboard shortcut?)

    • isobele September 6th, 2012 9:56 AM

      You do a < and then a 3 = <3 :)

      • isobele September 6th, 2012 9:56 AM

        (except for some reason it didnt work just then)

        • Libby September 6th, 2012 12:31 PM

          or hit the alt key and the 3 on the number keypad at the same time ♥

    • Maggie September 6th, 2012 1:05 PM

      £ thanks!

      • Maggie September 6th, 2012 1:06 PM

        wait, is that a British pound sign?

        • Maggie September 6th, 2012 1:18 PM

          now I feel embarrassed for hijacking the comments section with my incompetence. I just wanted to tell Caitlin that I heart her. THAT’S ALL I WANTED, WORLD

    • Caitlin H. September 6th, 2012 4:16 PM

      It’s okay, I understand, love you too (if this heart doesn’t work then aaargh) <3

  • TotallyRuned September 5th, 2012 7:47 PM

    I know that this will make me sound like a lame-o I’ve-Been-There-Guidance-Counselor but I feel I really need to tell you this. As a person that just finished grad school and is now having a mini post-college life crisis. All this stuff gets better and it will even out. For the first week of college I cried and played bejewled alone in my room and freaked out about everything I didn’t know and was not being asked to do. Most people have this time and it’s uncomfortable and it sucks but; you’re also learning how to deal with new stuff and that is a way more important skill than most of stuff you’ll get from classes.

    I apologize for the lameness. But I wanted to tell you you’re not alone, you’re not a bitch for feeling this way and it will be okay.

    also, here’s a baby duck for you. > :v

  • Miss Erin September 5th, 2012 7:48 PM

    KATHERINE. I really, really know how you feel. Sometimes I just think I’m really incompetent at being A HUMAN BEING. And then I feel like such a whiner for feeling that way. And it can take quite a lot of time to calm down enough to try and make myself realize that the world is still magically spinning through space and I’m probably not going to fuck things up irreparably. Sending you a virtual care package of hugs and gummy bears and sparkly stickers. Try a solo dance party? Sometimes that helps me. xo

  • Morgan September 5th, 2012 7:51 PM

    Bye Dylan, It was so nice getting to know you.

  • Abby September 5th, 2012 7:54 PM


  • Abby September 5th, 2012 8:01 PM

    Also, Katherine, YOU ARE ME. You basically just described everything I’ve been feeling this first week at college. I’m not toatally miserable, but I also would probably be a lot happier at home. There’s really only one person here that I would actually miss if I left, and I just want my old life back, honestly. Sorry. This isn’t MY diary. I’ll stop now.

  • lula September 5th, 2012 8:13 PM

    we’ll miss you terribly, dylan!

  • caro nation September 5th, 2012 8:22 PM

    Dylan… the fucking coolest.

  • mar9ar3t September 5th, 2012 8:41 PM

    Ruby- my first day of high school was yesterday. The whole time I just wanted to curl up into a little ball and sleep. When I finally got home I watched 30 Rock in my bed because only Liz lemon could console me. Today was a little better though.

  • RainingMiceAndMen September 5th, 2012 8:45 PM

    DYLAAAAN! You gave me so many love vibes this past year, so here are love vibes back! <>
    Naomi, I enjoy your room very much because you have a bulletin board and your books are organized by color and you have a cat.
    Ruby! The first few weeks of freshman year sucked for me, but hopefully you’ll meet cool people in choir and Mandarin, I met all of my friends through band. And the spiky haired girl sounds like she is trying to be your friend in an I’m-a-teen-and-I-don’t-wanna-act-like-I-want-friends sort of way. I do that.

  • Blythe September 5th, 2012 8:49 PM

    Aww, I really liked Dylan’s entries! Didn’t you just replace someone else? Who’s going to replace Dylan? …Can I?

    • Anaheed September 6th, 2012 2:33 AM

      Yeah, we just replaced the wonderful Minna with the wonderful Caitlin.

      Send us a submission, Blythe!

      • dianeisnotmyname September 6th, 2012 6:38 AM

        wait, so if we want to be a diary writer (diarist?) we can submit a diary entry?

        • Anaheed September 6th, 2012 12:15 PM

          No — we’re not taking specific diary submissions. Before Ruby joined us we had four diarists for a long time, and we’re going to back to that for the foreseeable future.

          But most of our staffers come from our submissions mailbox, so if you want to write for Rookie in any form you should submit something to us.

      • Blythe September 12th, 2012 8:01 PM

        Aah, oh gosh, that was mostly a joke.

  • Tyknos93 September 5th, 2012 9:35 PM

    Dylan please write a little longer! I really kinda look up to your tales of early adulthood, seasoned college life, and figuring shit out. Just because you’re not a teen, doesn’t mean you don’t have things to share :( I hope there will be more from you on the site.

    • Anaheed September 5th, 2012 11:38 PM

      Dylan is gonna be writing for us constantly, guys, don’t worry!

  • Adrienne September 5th, 2012 9:49 PM

    Dylan!! Your entries will be greatly missed.

  • junebug September 5th, 2012 9:50 PM

    Dylan, do not gooooooooo we need your twentysomething life experiences even more than your teenage ones agh

  • Skatapus September 5th, 2012 9:55 PM

    Ooh, Katherine please don’t feel bad for complaining! It’s actually really reassuring to see someone sharing about the bad as well as the good, helps me to remember that everyone has crummy weeks where things just seem to be against them, even glamorous Rookie diarists. It’s realistic and relatable. Everyone needs an occasion just to vent and let it all out. Hope your college experience starts looking up. <3

  • Imogen-Rose September 5th, 2012 10:02 PM

    Katherine, you don’t have to feel bad for complaining about a pretty-awful sounding week. Hopefully next week will be better!

  • Maialuna September 5th, 2012 10:04 PM

    Bye bye Dylan. I’ll miss your diary entries, they’ve been wonderful. And yes, I have been living vicariously through you.

  • Lulu September 5th, 2012 10:15 PM


  • Dylan September 5th, 2012 10:28 PM

    Thank you SO MUCH everyone. Rookie readers are the raddest!

    Katterin, if it makes you feel any better, I felt the exact way my first semester, especially because I went to a school I didn’t have my heart in. You’ll find your place and it will feel so rad when you do. POWER THROUUUGHHH! You can DOOO!

  • Kristen September 5th, 2012 11:09 PM

    Katherine, I totally get what youre going through. I just moved to college in a big city and its so easy to feel insignificant and stupid and lame… and the friends thing is weird too, like how does one make friends fast? Will I ever make any REAL friends? how long is all of this smalltalk going to last?

    I don’t know, just know that I’m reading and relating, and I’m sure a bunch of others are too.

  • Yellie September 6th, 2012 1:18 AM

    Katherine, I just started college yesterday and i all ready feel so isolated. I know nobody there. one of my first year courses everyone is so much older than me… ahhhh college is scary. And i’m usually confident enough but i don’t understand anything about this place so i just sit on a bench by the golf course for the three hours between my classes and its really cold, and the crows won’t leave me alone, eventually i’ll have to go inside. D:

    • Rarity September 7th, 2012 4:17 AM

      Hey, I’m sure you hear this all the time but I just want to let you know: college will be a good experience. It’s really intimidating at first, but you will SO get the hang of it and everything will work out. It might be scary when you’re in a class with upperclassmen, but, hey, that just means that you’re ahead of your time (pretty impressive if you ask me). Last year, it felt like suddenly I was a dumb kid thrown into a place where everyone was smart, but one day I just decided to do my best to learn! No one expects you to be a dazzling College Student right away. You’ll find your friends, you’ll enroll in classes that you love, and you will have a great time. Cut yourself some slack, okay?

      And don’t let the crows get you down.

  • courtney.j September 6th, 2012 4:56 AM

    Dylan, I have read every single bit of your diary over the past year. I swear I’m not a creep. At the start I read everyones entries but after a few months I decided your’s were the ones I’d live vicariuosly through.
    You’ve inspired me in more ways than one and through you I’ve finally seen that the ultimate last teenage year is acheivable, even with a few mishaps.
    See ya round.

  • Garance September 6th, 2012 5:13 AM

    This is such a bad news that you stop to write your diary. I’m a french girl, same age than you and you diary was my favorite, this is the one I identified the most (my parents are divorced too, I’m living on my own too and doing artistic stydies too (cinema, bit different but still artistic )). It was really great to see that on the other side of the world somebody is going through the same difficulties and joys about building her life. You diary make me think about my life in a positive way, thx a lot ! I wish you all the best for your future !

    • Dylan September 6th, 2012 8:54 PM

      I don’t even know what to say, my heart is so warm because of all these sweet words…I love you guys

  • AliciaG September 6th, 2012 5:59 AM

    Ruby, that final was awesome. Intriguing…

  • dramallama September 6th, 2012 6:48 AM

    hey if you guys are choosing new diarists, should I email in a diary sorta thingy??? and also dylan don’t leave you’re amaaazing and fabulous and your diaries are the shizz

  • Juniper September 6th, 2012 10:46 AM

    Katherine!!!! I feel for you so so so badly!! My luck has been terrible the first few weeks of college also! Just try to stay positive.

  • GlitterKitty September 6th, 2012 4:18 PM

    Dylannnnnnn don’t go!!!!! I identify with your diaries so much and totally live vicariously through them. I hope once I leave high school and become (gasp!) an adult, I’ll be as rad as you.

  • Helenus September 6th, 2012 5:28 PM

    Katherine, I’m sorry to say this, but you definitely deserved to get your ass handed to you for not knowing who Marcel Proust is. He’s a legend.

    • Dylan September 7th, 2012 3:10 AM

      College is for learning. Not shaming.

      • Helenus September 9th, 2012 11:48 PM

        I wasn’t trying to shame anyone. I was just surprised that someone who seems pretty well-read for her age hadn’t heard of Proust. Kinda like when you meet someone who’s never listened to an iconic band that you really love.

  • selinau September 8th, 2012 3:55 AM


    Those weeks when nothing goes right. Familiar? Yes. But luckily afterwards you can just laugh to everything that you thought was the end of the world and eat ice cream while watching a bad movie. And that’s nice.

  • Cutesycreator aka Monica September 8th, 2012 7:36 AM

    I’m gonna miss your diary entries so much, Dylan. <3 <3 <3

  • mokgadi September 8th, 2012 4:04 PM

    Dylan, your entries were so relateable, gonna miss them maaaaajorly :( Hope to see tons more stuff by you though <3

  • Lizmaster3000 September 11th, 2012 8:20 PM

    Awww Katherine. It’s okay. You’re an excellent french student and, uh, did we not BULLSHIT every single day of French last year? I’m pretty sure we did…