I am trying to think of interesting things that have happened to me in the last week that might actually be interesting to other people. But the thing is, I feel so NORMAL. Going back to an actual school and managing my anxiety have made me feel slightly BORING. And of course, NORMAL and BORING are horrible things that I do not want to be. But going to school and overcoming anxiety—those are things I am sure I wanted.
My old therapist warned me about this phenomenon that occurs when you are recovering from something such as anxiety or depression or the like, where it feels like you are losing, or have already lost, a part of yourself. It feels like you’ve lost a limb, or a chunk of your personality. It is a horrible horrible trick. I’ve felt pangs of it once or twice recently. A “who am I now?” feeling. What actually makes up who I am? Isn’t so much of me made of trying to overcome something that has been in my way—self-doubt, panic attacks, low moods, tons and tons of anxiety? It’s been such a long process, from my lowest point to now—why would I ever want to throw all that work away? Doesn’t that struggle define me?
Though I’ve felt ashamed or embarrassed about much of what I’ve experienced, not being NORMAL has at least been something to differentiate me from everybody else. Now what differentiates me? Today I seriously looked at university for the first time and found a course and a uni that I would actually like to go to. Just like everybody else.
It’s a weird feeling. How do you people cope? ♦