Dear Diary

September 12, 2012

Diaries written by actual living teenage girls.


There were two different ways my life could have gone this autumn―and the one I chose has felt a bit like when you pick up a puzzle piece and it locks smoothly into place with the other pieces. It is nowhere near the final piece, but still, it is part of the big-picture-in-progress.

One possible path was to stay at home again, daunted by the prospect of stacks of work to manage, and lead myself through a syllabus on my own. I’d take my habitual walks and notice the teenagers shuffling toward the school near my house. I would wonder where I could possibly fit in to that puzzle.

Instead I decided to try a school again, for the first time in two years.

Two things happened this Monday (the first day of my first full week at school): in the lucid state between dreaming and wakefulness, sleepy old feelings about my last school crawled to the front of my mind. I remembered that awful morning feeling of not wanting to go―not a normal feeling of reluctance, but a force so strong that I would actually not go. I would do almost anything I could not to go. Monday morning I realised that this time, I had no choice but to go to classes. Not because of outside pressure or demanding parents or uncaring authority, but because I gave myself no choice. I liked that power.

On the way home for lunch, walking through the familiar church yard that somehow looked different, I noticed a bench that was not there when I had left for school that morning. It was as if it had plopped out of the heavens, clean and fresh, not one human hand seeming to have touched it. It seems like the most insignificant thing, but I thought, Wow. I wasn’t here to notice that. With so many days I used to have to fill on my own terms, I had become the principal of noticing meaningless changes in my vicinity―I needed such things to flex the muscles of my vision. These included a woman I would see from time to time reading to a man who, along with his dog, seemed not to have a home; a man who rode a motorbike to the library, where he would use the computers, once a week; a new signpost; a new park playground; a new bench.

Everything took on a new significance in the days leading up to my first day of a new term at a new school, as a new person. Everything feels different now. When you’ve lived outside classrooms for so long, it is quite odd to find yourself inside of one, realizing you’ll be here when it rains, when it snows, when the leaves drop, and when they grow again. These are the signposts on my current track, taking the place of new benches. ♦


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  • Celiabow September 12th, 2012 7:05 PM

    Gosh! Ruby’s posts are always so relatable

  • actressgirl September 12th, 2012 7:11 PM

    Ruby I can totally relate to how it’s hard to make friends. How is it that people like us can be comfortable being on a stage with losts of people watching us but act shy otherwise?

  • ThePuNkR0ckeR September 12th, 2012 7:18 PM


  • kirsten September 12th, 2012 7:30 PM

    Ruby, I am totally feeling the same way right now. People are hard. Making friends is hard.

  • book_kitty September 12th, 2012 7:38 PM


    I just started high school and have 1 friend from elementary school and a few girls in my classes who I talk to and stuff. But none of them seem to have very similar interests to me. Im hoping to join some clubs eventually but its hard to build up friendships! Hang in there.

  • Hannah September 12th, 2012 7:45 PM

    I really liked these diaries this time. Usually I skip on these, because they sometimes seem irrelevant to my life, but I really like the one by Katherine about college. It was interesting, especially because that’s how I view high school. Naomi’s was really well written and insightful, and Ruby’s was also neat.

  • TheNarcissisticGinger September 12th, 2012 7:47 PM

    Ruby, it’s TOTALLY okay to feel better alone. I have a lot of “friends”, but I don’t really feel emotionally close or attatched to most of them. I really prefer to be alone too. Being alone gives you so much more freedom to do what you want and be who you are. I know that it might feel like you’re missing out, and truthfully you might be a little bit, but I have so much more respect and empathy for a girl who can be independent and still do amazing things like you do, rather than a popular girl who likes to answer questions about herself on Facebook. Chances are, the people who are being a little nasty to you are the ones missing out, because they won’t get to see how brilliant you are. Don’t let them get to you, just keep on keepin’ on! And keep writing, because I LOVE reading these entries of yours. You’re just splendid. :-) Good luck! <3

  • genny212 September 12th, 2012 7:53 PM

    i know you probably get this alot but this definitly sounds like what goes through my head on a daily basis

  • mariaantoniavs September 12th, 2012 7:54 PM

    Ruby I can totally relate to that. The thing that bothers me the most is that my parents want me to be one of the popular girls, hang out with everybody, go to parties every weekend. It’s really stressful and i don’t know why they even care.

  • Blythe September 12th, 2012 8:03 PM

    Oh, Ruby, I know just what you mean. Whenever I try to make friends, I come across as a total doofus, and then I drag myself away whispering, “I swear I’m so much cooler on the internet~”

  • angst September 12th, 2012 8:14 PM

    Oh my god Ruby! I just went to a totally new public school for high school and I know NO ONE. And I realized when I got home after the first day that I didn’t know how to make friends and whenever anyone made an effort, I acted SUPER awkward and weird (in a bad way; not like myself).
    Now I’m beginning to be able to talk in class and reach out to other people, but it is really hard.

  • kmrainone September 12th, 2012 8:31 PM

    Everything you said is the same for me. I feel more comfortable being alone because putting myself out into the world is honestly the most stressful and scary thing for me. It’s not that I don’t want to be outgoing and make new friends, it’s just really difficult. My anxiety goes through the roof and I start panting and my heart beats a mile a minute. It is very attractive.

    • Juliane September 22nd, 2012 9:11 AM

      I dont know if you’re gonna read this but I thing I totally feel the same way. It’s so much easier to be alone and stay at home and to bulid my own world around me. But sometimes I wish to have more friends or just to be more with other people but I just can’t get up. It’s often so difficult to be myself with other people around me.
      I’m German and not really good at English. I hope you unsderstand what I mean.

  • thatlonelycat September 12th, 2012 8:34 PM

    ‘I like being by myself, but I always feel like maybe I’m missing out on something.’ (Ruby)

    That’s exactly what I think at least once a week. I’ve always been extremely shy and meeting new people it’s really difficult to me, that’s why I only have a few friends.
    I’m starting university in two weeks and I expect to make new friends easily. I hope this experience helps me to be more outgoing. So, wish me luck!

  • sarahbelle September 12th, 2012 9:22 PM

    Ruby! I totally relate to you. I just moved to a new high school and I do have some friends but I feel like I’d be happier just being an introvert instead of trying too hard to join in on people’s conversations.
    Omg girls always look at me weird for using sophisticated words too!

  • Tiger September 12th, 2012 9:39 PM

    Loving caitlin’s illustrations!! And everything else of course:)

  • RainingMiceAndMen September 12th, 2012 9:53 PM

    Ruby, please don’t pressure yourself into having tons of friends. You sound like me-one or two close friends and pretty much everyone else is a complete stranger. Join clubs you think are cool and you’ll meet cool people. (that sounds really reassuring-mom of me but it’s 100% true, I joined band and improv and now I know a bunch of people)

  • Abby September 12th, 2012 10:13 PM

    Ruby, I’m pretty sure you just said exactly, and I do mean EXACTLY, what I’ve been feeling lately. Just so you know, I’m with you. Also, Katherine, you too.

  • Emlestrange September 12th, 2012 10:18 PM

    I feel the same way, Ruby! Thanks for the awesome entry.

  • vanguardinspace September 13th, 2012 2:02 AM

    Naomi, this is so strange, but I am in the exact exact same situation as you are. I have started “real” school this year for the first time in two years, and feel so strange, as I’ve realized the way that I interacted with the world when I was buy myself the majority of the time will probably not work anymore and I don’t know who or how I’m going to be now. I’ve had the exact same thoughts that you express in your piece, it feels foreign to me to go to school, every day, on time, and be deciding to do that.

    What you wrote touched me so much that I read it aloud to my mom and sister, and they thought that I wrote it.

    Thanks. It’s good to know you aren’t alone.

    • Naomi Morris September 13th, 2012 12:16 PM

      wow. thank you. you have to let me know how you get on xxx

      • vanguardinspace September 14th, 2012 1:09 AM

        I will, of course! And I just realized I spelled “by” as “buy.” Oops.

  • Gray September 13th, 2012 3:21 AM

    Ruby the fact that you can accept and take the time to be alone is something that others should learn from you. You are a role model for those who need a constant distraction because they can’t bear the thought of living with their own thoughts. I think of normal as a herd of cattle who are being raised by a corporation with a goal of distributing a worldwide product that will diminish the quality of its competitors…

    You’re not normal…You may not accept it now, but you will. You are top quality! ;D

  • Lillypod September 13th, 2012 5:12 AM

    Ruby, i totally get this.
    I haven’t made any new friends in like, 7 years almost. Part of me wants to make new friends…but part of me is happy like this.

  • freya2770 September 13th, 2012 6:42 AM

    I miss Dylan :(

  • eliselbv September 13th, 2012 1:25 PM

    Ruby’s post could be mine that’s so great! I had never read any “dear diary” article before because I thought it was going to be boring but today i just realized what I’ve been missing!
    I’m going to read the previous right now!

  • hazeleyedgirl September 13th, 2012 1:34 PM

    Katherine, I’m really glad that this week is better than last week! I hope you work up enough determination to read what you’ve written at one of your writing club meetings- sometimes even though a story seems strange, or off topic, or rubbish to those who wrote it, they can actually be the best, most unique, awesome pieces of writing ever! And even if you read one and you don’t think it’s good enough or went down that well, who cares? There’s always next week! YOU ROCK GIRL.

  • Trafalgar September 13th, 2012 10:44 PM

    I think it gets easier. I used to be like that, and I think I’m still like that, but I put myself in those situations so eventually I’ll get used to it. You should do the same, at least you can’t get any worse, right?

  • Chimdi September 14th, 2012 2:08 AM

    ugh yes Ruby I totally relate.

    I don’t get on with most teenagers because I don’t make a conscious effort to fit in which is basically like *~social suicide~* but I don’t really mind because I don’t like a lot of kids. They are homophobic, misogynistic, and racist and that just really bugs me. I watch too much media criticism and over analyze things like “group behavior” which makes it worse hehe

    You’ll be in my prayers though. I already have friends at my high school because I’ve been in the same district for years, it’s much harder for you :(

    besides, here’s a beautiful clip of THE BEST GUY EVER advising *young people* to learn to love solitude:

    {srsly Andrei Tarkovsky is da best that is probably my fav interview ever}

  • nickz September 14th, 2012 3:25 PM

    Ruby,I totally get the part about making friends.In my high school,even though now I am in my last year I never had any proper friends,not like close friends but just to sit with at lunch even though I was getting on well with most of the people.Two years ago I tried to make friends with some girls in my class cause I found sitting alone at lunch very awkward and when I was waiting for classes to start and had nothing to do and everyone was in their groups chatting and having a laugh.So I tried to talk to them more than usual and even sat with them at lunch once and they laughed at some of my jokes.Though once when I wanted to join them one of them asked me to leave quite impolitely and I just acted casual and stuff kind of like I didn t mind it.I told my mom about that cause she was blaming me for not being able to make friends by saying I was weird and unsociable which was really mean,especially since I was after moving to a new country.Anyways getting over it,my attempts at being friends with those girls soon ceased cause I was just bored of trying and actually thought I will just be friends with people who accept me and with whom friendship comes naturally and I don t have to work at it especially since I didn t even like them that much.Last year the classes changed and I met some new people with whom I can chat during or before classes and have a laugh even though we don t meet outside school. I think making friends depends a lot on the circumstances but I hope you will be able to meet nice people and make some true friends.

  • EvaLavender September 15th, 2012 1:46 AM

    Ruby I feel the same! I am SOOOO awkward around people I don’t feel comfortable with and stuff. usually I say weird crap I think is funny and they don’t and it’s just hellllllla awkward. And wtf with the girl who got pissed about you using the word precise! I personally admire your amazing vocabulary and writing skills! Ruby, if u went to my school I’d seriously be dying to be your friend. You are just so authentic and cool!

    • Cutesycreator aka Monica September 21st, 2012 1:10 PM

      “I’d seriously be dying to be your friend.” My thoughts exactly!!

  • unicornconnect September 15th, 2012 2:33 AM

    Ruby!!!!!!! This is PRECISELY how I feel sometimes!! I actually love being by myself and sometimes I think that’s weird and unnatural. But hey, I am a complete weirdo!

    If I went to your school I would definitely be your friend:)

  • Hannahr September 21st, 2012 12:17 AM

    I’ve just started reading Rookie mag, and I really love these diary entries. For girls like me where it’s really hard to find people to relate to, these are very helpful and reassuring. I really feel like I connect with Ruby on this one, I have a few friends but it is extremely hard for me to make new friends. Last year I started at a new school where I new like one other person (who I wasn’t really friends with) and was forced to try to interact with new people. It didn’t go over well. It’s been a year and I made one friend, and there are of course some people in my classes that I feel comfortable asking questions, but none that would talk to me otherwise. And it’s not that I’m a really weird person, I just become really awkward when trying to make friends. I completely agree with you about being alone, I really don’t mind it, I just feel like because other people enjoy the company of others then I must be missing something. Thank you for writing this, it really helps to know I’m not alone.

  • evagm September 24th, 2012 5:27 PM

    Naomi’s post was so relatable! Especially since I’m dealing a really really similar issue in my life right at this moment.

  • Jenny November 1st, 2012 7:10 PM

    Aw Ruby I totally get not being able to make friends. I have social anxietys which make it very difficult for me to talk to people. Ive been in your position a lot.