I have a habit of eating mindlessly, and because of this, I spend a lot of time feeling horrible about my body, which makes me eat more, which is a cycle that continues until I ultimately get too tired to keep eating things and fall asleep watching My So-Called Life on Netflix and wondering why Rayanne is infinitely more perfect than I am. Every time I start to ask someone for advice, I just feel like a middle-aged woman at Weight Watchers. How can I approach people about this problem? How can I stop being so obsessive about my food intake? How can I feel better about myself? —K.
Before I get to the meat and potatoes of this question, I first want to delineate the difference between compulsive eaters and those who very occasionally like to snack on entire pints of Ben & Jerry’s. The people in the latter category might get down with more food than they normally do every once in a while, but be able to feel fine about it and return to regular portions the next day. You and I, however, feel an addictive relationship with our food–one where we have little to no control over how often, and how much, we eat. As a child, I stole sleeves of Girl Scout cookies to scarf alone in my room. When I babysat, I would prepare enormous portions of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets “for the children” in order to feel better about eating 20 of them myself. Last year, I would sometimes receive three sets of utensils with a delivery order that I placed for only myself. I was eating to excess and then feeling terrible about it.
I would recommend, first and foremost, that you talk about this with your primary physician, a nutritionist, or a psychologist, if you have one, and if not, consult with your school guidance counselor. They should be able to point you toward resources that will help you take steps to feel more in control of your eating. If you’re not ready to talk to someone yet, you can check out these resources: an interview with a former FDA commissioner about how to recognize and treat addictive relationships to food, and this website from an organization called Bodywise. Trust me, you are far from alone in this struggle, and reading more about it might help you feel less isolated.
Normally, we at Rookie do not condone counting calories, because we don’t want anyone to obsess over what they eat. However, in my situation, I needed some help to figure out what a healthy portion looked like. I realized that, no matter how much I ate, I was never going to feel full, so I kept a log of what I consumed every day. I used a website and application called MyFitnessPal, which made it easier for me to keep track of my portions according to what was appropriate for my body. Although this kind of program is IN NO WAY a substitute for consulting a doctor, nutritionist, or dietician, it helped me understand what portions even were, as I had absolutely no idea. It also helped me take charge of my food intake and slowly develop a more conscious relationship with food.
Another thing that I always keep in mind is that it doesn’t matter if I slip up and eat WAY more than your average pachyderm might in a day. It doesn’t mean that I am back at square one. Nobody can meet all of their goals all of the time. It just means that I’ll try to take care of myself a little better the next time I eat. It’s also good to learn how to make healthy and well-proportioned versions of the food that triggers you–that way, you can fulfill and enjoy your cravings without feeling deprived or like you’ve lost control.
Eating is one of my greatest pleasures in life, so I really do not want this to sound like I’m bashing indulgence. It’s just that a lot of us have complicated relationships with our diets, and I feel good about myself when food doesn’t rule my life. —Amy Rose
I have a lot of noticeable (but old!) self-harm scars on my arms, and this fall, I’m going to be a nanny for a family with young children. How can I cover up my scars or explain them without getting fired from my first job? I don’t want the parents to think I’m a bad influence/going to kill myself, because I’m not. So far, the best explanation I can come up with is that I got bitten by a shark, and I don’t think that is going to work. –Gracey
First of all, good for you for stopping the habit of self-harm. I know from experience how hard that is, and you should feel proud of yourself. I also know from experience how it feels to live with those scars. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel comfortable going sleeveless and dealing with any questions that may arise, but it definitely took a while for me to get there. Because self-harm can be such a secretive habit, I advise against lying about it. Plus, working up a big story about shark bites (or anything) can be anxiety-inducing. You are going to be an awesome nanny and a GOOD influence, but if you start your job with a lie, it might reflect poorly on you.
Now, I can totally understand not wanting to sit down and explain everything to your new employers right away. Concerns about the job aside, it’s personal! So I’d suggest keeping the scars covered in the beginning. Because I hate getting a lot of sun, I usually wear long sleeves year-round and, as a result, I’ve discovered these great and SUPER CHEAP lightweight cardigans by DNA Couture. By cheap I mean six dollars, and they have all kinds of styles and colors that are school- and work-appropriate. I got this one in black for my birthday, and I’m hooked.
At some point, you may get sick of wearing long sleeves, or you might need to take the kids to the pool or something. Hopefully, after a couple of weeks, you will feel more comfortable with the family, and when they do see your scars, things will go one of three ways. One, they won’t even say anything. They’ll see that you are awesome with their kids, assume your story is personal, and leave it at that. After getting to know the family, you may trust them enough to talk about your past history, which brings me to the second option: if you feel safe enough to broach the subject yourself, or if they see your scars and react with concern, tell an abridged version of your story. Share whatever you feel comfortable sharing, and end with how much stronger and happier you are now. That will actually demonstrate what an awesome role model you are—you got through something hard and faced it head-on. The third option, and the worst case scenario, is that they notice, say something, and you don’t feel comfortable telling the truth. At this point, a little white lie may be in order, but keep it simple. Say something like, “Oh, I had an accident, long story, but I’m fine now.” The truth is, everybody has issues, you are entitled to privacy, and the people you work for should understand that.
Finally, though I’m comfortable with my scars, I understand that you may want to try to minimize or get rid of them, and you do have options. If you want to go the natural route, try rose hips oil, neem oil, or vitamin E cream. A lot of people recommend the product Mederma Advanced Scar Gel, which markets itself as the number-one doctor-recommended brand for scar treatment. I haven’t tried treating my scars with any of these products, so I would actually speak to a pharmacist or your doctor before trying them. Finally, you could consider laser treatments, but this is pricey, and you absolutely have to talk to a doctor or dermatologist about it.
Congrats on your nanny job, and I hope this helps.
Some of the things that I do with my boyfriend could be considered “slutty”–like going to second or third base in the movie theater, or hooking up in the changing room at a department store. I enjoy what we do, but sometimes I feel bad and question whether I am respecting myself. Where does one cross the line into being a slut? –Candysays
We need to differentiate between two things here. First: are you enjoying what you’re doing with your boyfriend, and is it making you feel good? If yes, then there’s nothing bad or wrong happening here. If your boyfriend is pressuring you to do things you’d rather not, or making you feel uncomfortable, then that’s a whole other story. From what you’re saying, that doesn’t seem to be the case, but if it is, please talk to him about it and be firm about your boundaries.
But assuming you’re having fun, who gives a damn what anyone else thinks? You cannot cross a line and become a “slut,” because “slutty” is a judgement other people make that they’re not entitled to make. The women that people tend to call “sluts” are just women who enjoy sex in the way it’s meant to be enjoyed, and society sometimes judges them for it (including, regrettably, other women). It’s up to you to decide what makes you happy, but don’t (or try not to) internalize misguided and often sexist standards in the process. And carry on having fun. —Cindy
I recently dated a guy for a little more than a year. The relationship was fine, I guess, but the spark was gone. I wasn’t expecting rainbows, fireworks, and skipping angels every time we made out, but I was expecting something would still be there. This has happened to me before. Now I am afraid that I will never be able to have a long-term relationship, because I will just get bored eventually. This scares me. How do you not get bored?
This is a very hard question, and I’ll tell you why. Relationships go through phases–sexy phases, romantic phases, annoying phases, over-it phases–and it can be tricky to know if you’ve drifted into the friend zone for good or are just less horny than you used to be. Also, don’t beat yourself up! A year is a long time! It sounds to me like you’re doing a good job sussing out when things have run their course.
To answer your larger question, though, I think the answer is that you don’t get bored when you begin to look at relationships with different goals in mind. In high school, maybe you’re looking for make-out practice and someone else who hates geometry and loves Taylor Swift. In college, maybe you’re looking for someone sexually adventurous and into Tuvan throat-singing. After that, maybe you’re looking for someone who knows how to build their own furniture and brew their own kombucha. My point is, your tastes are going to change. That’s part of getting older. I wasn’t with anyone for longer than nine months until I was 22. I always got bored and moved on. What changed? I did. Instead of wanting to meet someone new, I wanted a more serious relationship–an actual partnership, as cheesy as that sounds. Was it that I found the right person for this? Sure. But it was also that I found the right me, at the right time. Don’t pressure yourself into pushing a relationship past its expiration date. When the time comes for an epic love, you’ll know. Sparks don’t always look the same year in and year out. One day, when you’re as old as I am, they might look like someone who remembers to buy the cat food. That might sound boring, but remember, definitions of boring change, just like definitions of sexy change. One of these days, you’ll feel yourself relax into a stimulating, rewarding relationship that might last forever. It’ll happen the minute you’re ready, and not a moment sooner. —Emma S.
I just landed an internship at a local magazine. But to be honest, I haven’t received much feedback on my articles. Do you have any advice about writing leads and using commas? These are my two weak areas. —Emily
I’m gonna answer your sexier question–the one about leads–first. Because it makes for a better lead! Also, notice that I put the word “sexier” in that first sentence. That’s because I wanted people to read the one after it. If you’re reading this sentence, it worked.
A lead is the first sentence, or first few sentences (or sometimes first couple of paragraphs), of a story/article/essay/whatever. Making it good is crucial, because it’s how most people will decide if it’s worth it to read the whole article. It’s like a commercial for the article that’s to come.
Here are just a few of my favorite leads from Rookie articles:
- Not caring what people think is the hokey pokey to getting through each and every day—it’s what it’s all about. (GET IT?)
- I asked my dad two questions in quick succession last week when we were watching the 10 o’clock news. “Has capitalism failed?” and “Do you think I’d look good blonde?” That pretty much sums up the opposing poles of my personality. But today I want to focus on just one of them. Let’s talk about my hair.
- It started with my grandmother grabbing napkins from the dispenser at McDonald’s.
- When I was younger, maybe 10 or 12 or 15, I used to say I hated men. I probably did.
- Oh, hi! I have some sad news: MY LIFE IS OVERRRRRRRR.
I don’t know about you, but if I read any of those leads, I’d keep going.
Now let’s talk about commas. See your second sentence? “To be honest, I haven’t received much feedback on my articles.” The comma is placed correctly in that one. One thing commas do is set off adverbs (“honestly,” “disgustingly”) or adverbial phrases/clauses (“to be honest,” “even though I hate ice cream,” “as I clambered onto the giraffe”) at the beginning of a sentence from the rest of the sentence. You did that perfectly.
But to tell you everything you need to know about commas, I’d need page after boring page, and I couldn’t do it anyway because I don’t know a lot of technical things about grammar. Instead I’m gonna give you two resources that will help you so much more, because you can refer to them again and again in any kind of comma-befuddlement situation. If you want to be any kind of writer for a living, these will come in handy for years to come:
1. The Careful Writer by Theodore M. Bernstein. Just read this book cover to cover. Bernstein is entertaining and funny, and the rules he gives you will make your writing clearer and more concise.
2. The Grammar Girl podcast and website. The podcast is short and easy to listen to, and the website is searchable, so you can look up whatever you’re unsure about on a given day.
I like a lot writing that goes against the rules. Many great writers (Sady Doyle, Jenny Zhang, Padgett Powell, Cormac McCarthy, etc.) do things in their writing that your average grammar/syntax/writing guide is going to advise you against. But they do it on purpose, which you can’t do unless you know the rules to start out with. So go read that book and listen to that podcast, then just keep reading and writing—every day, if possible.
I’m sorry that your internship sucks. Tell them you want more feedback. If they say no, find another internship. —Anaheed ♦
If you have a question for Just Wondering, please send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.