Fun

#coolaunt #cooluncle

Debbie and Mitch just discovered Twitter. (Uh-oh.)

Hi guys—it’s me, Evelyn. My Aunt Debbie and Uncle Mitch are the best, and I love them. They love me too, but they tend to show it in different ways, as evidenced by this recent round of emails.

5/2/12
Darling Evie,
Thank you so much for your lovely get-well-soon cards. You’ll be happy to know that my ankle is 98% better and I’m getting around just fine. My cast is finally off, and the doctors now have me wearing this giant brace—Uncle Mitch calls it a moon shoe, just to freak me out, because he knows how I feel about the moon—for a few weeks. At first I thought the lumpy ol’ thing would put a bit of a cramp in my style, but my friend Joanne says she may be able to bedazzle it, as it’s made out of this soft rubber stuff. Can you imagine? Me, with a giant glitzy shoe! Maybe I’ll even start a trend!!! Look out, Vogue!
Love ya lots,
Aunt Debbie

5/18/12
Evie Dearest,
You would NOT believe the looks I get when I wear my bedazzled boot! I’ve also added several ribbons, a gnome-shaped pin, and a lacy fringe around the top. It’s a smash hit! Speaking of smash hits, what are you listening to these days? Are you a fan of the Wanted? I think it’s nice that there’s a song out there thanking people for attending gatherings. “I’m glad you came.” What a nice thing to say! People should take a lesson from these polite young men.
Keeping it cool,
Aunt Debbie

5/30/12
Evelyn,
Please, please, please help me get your aunt to stop wearing her disgusting moon shoe. You realize she hasn’t actually been required to wear it for two weeks now, right? Her ankle has completely healed and the doctors told her to throw the dumb thing away, but she can’t bring herself to do it. She now says she wears it because it’s her “signature piece,” and she refuses to take it off, regardless of the occasion. She stepped into a puddle while wearing it three days ago and the thing never dried properly, so it smells like dried funk wherever we go. She found some feathers on sale at Hobby Lobby so now it looks—and smells—like a sick bird who landed in a pile of vomit and glitter backstage at some show in Vegas. It’s like an old sneaker that you’d find in a box marked FREE at a tag sale at a terrible Lady Gaga impersonator’s house. It is the worst. I’m legitimately afraid if she gets a hold of some googly eyes, the thing is going to become sentient and destroy us all. Help me, Evelyn-Kenobi. You’re my only hope.
I Wanna Be Well (But That Shoe F-ing Smells),
—M.
P.S. I had to explain the double meaning in that Wanted song to her and she’s mortified. I haven’t seen her this embarrassed since the time you explained what Lady Gaga’s “disco stick” was supposed to be. Good lord.

6/7/12
Dearest Evie,
Thanks for letting me know that bedazzled moon shoes are so last season. I had no idea! Are Crocs still in for this summer? I have a neon green pair that go with everything.
    Your mom tells me that you’re getting ready to go to the prom! Details please!!!! Uncle Mitch and I didn’t go to the prom together—I went with the school hunk, Kevin Brentley, who I thought was a total dream at the time. He picked me up in a purple limousine, can you imagine? And his mint-green cummerbund matched my gown perfectly. We were voted King and Queen! Your Uncle Mitch went to the prom, too. He wore a plain black suit and ended up having to purchase his shoes because they were rentals and he vomited all over them. Typical Mitch!
Kisses,
Aunt Debbie

6/10/12
Ev,
Yeah, yeah. Of course I went to the stupid prom. Tina Flamenco asked me, and you’d have to be a dumbass to turn down Tina Flamenco. Turns out I was a dumbass anyway, because her ex-boyfriend showed up and won her back and I had to sit there and drink spiked punch and watch them slow-dance and make up to “Take My Breath Away,” that dumb song from that dumb movie Top Gun.
    Anyway, later that night, your Aunt Debbie found me puking in the parking lot while she was headed to her purple limo with Craptain America, her idiot boyfriend at the time. He was a jerk about the whole thing and kept yelling, “Hey Deb! It’s not like I don’t have other offers!” So I said some ungentlemanly things to the dude and he tried to take a swing and missed and I ended up puking up a little more on his stupid purple limo. Long story short: guess who married the prom queen? Yeah. That’s right. NOT KEVIN BRENTLEY.
    The moral of this story, I guess, is that the prom is pretty dumb, and may not turn out to be the night you hope it will be. But also, it may end up pretty good. Also, don’t drink the punch. People your age are terrible at spiking things, and even if they don’t spike it, punch is horrible and tastes like lollipop spit.
—The King Is Dumb, Long Live Uncle Mitch

6/15/12
Dearest Evie,
I’m so glad to hear that you had a great time at the dance! I hope they played decent music (and none of that filthy stuff!). Did they play the Electric Slide? I’m a bit of an expert at it, if I do say so myself!
    Can you believe it’s almost summer?!? What are your plans for the best season of the year? I hope visiting us is on the list!
Miss you bunches,
Aunt Debbie

6/17/12
There is a new song
I love like craaaaaaazy!
I’m your Aunt Debbie!
SO CALL ME MAYBE!!!!!!!
GET IT?!?!?!
#1 Fan of “Call Me Maybe,”
Aunt Debbie

6/20/12
Hey It’s Your Aunt Again!
And This Is Crazy!
You Have My Number!
So Call Me Maybe!!!!
Carly Rules,
Aunt Debbie

6/23/12
Darling Evie,
Your Uncle Mitch thinks I’ve gotten a little carried away with “Call Me Maybe.” I suppose he’s right. I started singing it to complete strangers, but then they’d ask for my number, and I’d refuse, and ooh boy, that didn’t go over well at all. Especially with Kevin Brentley, who I ran into at Penney’s while buying some slacks for work. He said, “Sure, I’ll call you, Deb. You’re not with that loser Mitch anymore, are you?” and then said some fairly crude things that aren’t for a young lady’s ears. Just then, your Uncle Mitch met up with me after grabbing a snack at Pretzelville and, well, we’re not allowed at Penney’s anymore. Where am I going to get my work slacks now? Any ideas?
Call Me Maybe (Sorry! One Last Time!)
Aunt Debbie, banned from Penney’s

6/25/12
Evie,
No, I didn’t punch him! I’m a grown man. I threw my pretzel at his face. Irony alert: dude works in the tool department.
Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
Mitchapalooza

7/5/12
Darling Evie,
Can you believe Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are kaput?! (Do people still say “kaput?” Cheryl’s daughter used to say “dunzo,” but I don’t think she says that anymore, either. Is “dunzo” a thing? How about “splitsville”? Or “donesburg”? Let me know!) Anyway, we’re looking forward to your visit in August, though I hope I’ve recovered from my fever by then—my OLYMPIC fever! USA! USA!
XO
Aunt Debbie
P.S. What is YOLO? Is it some kind of yogurt? I asked the paperboy and he just said, “That’s the motto,” but didn’t say anything else. If you want, I can pick up some YOLO and we can eat it on our trip! Love you!

7/12/12
Hey Evie,
Thanks for teaching your aunt about #yolo. And Twitter, in general. She’s started an account for the both of us. Great. She’s also started listening to “Call Me Maybe” again, because why? “Because YOLO, Mitch,” she says. So thanks again. So, so much.
Uncle Mitch Don’t Like It (Stop the Yolo, Stop the Yolo),
M.

7/18/12
Dear Evie-
WE’RE ON TWITTER! Carly Rae Jepsen is, too! Can you believe it?! How do we find you on there? I’m so excited! Mitch, not so much. Typical Mitch! We’re off to walk the dog—hope you have a great day and that you’re enjoying your summer, because yolo!!!!!
#YOLO
Aunt Yolo
P.S. We’ve finally been allowed back in Penney’s! Work capris, you’re all mine! #capris! #yolo! ♦

55 Comments

  • Tyknos93 August 6th, 2012 7:06 PM

    The header image pretty much reflects my sentiments exactly.

    http://blazoningpens.blogspot.com/

  • MissKnowItAll August 6th, 2012 7:11 PM

    oh my……
    long live uncle Mitch…
    That awkward moment when everything has a double meaning and you can’t utter a sentence without everyone looking at you like you’re a perv…
    Just me?
    okay I’ll go back to my corner now…

    • Meara.L.Lovegood August 6th, 2012 8:50 PM

      No, definitely not just you. Maybe we should all just start speaking in olde english again…

      • MissKnowItAll August 6th, 2012 9:11 PM

        haha we should really do that!
        I had a trig test last year and my friend didn’t know the answer so he wrote YOLO bitches” instead.
        The teacher returned the paper with the comment “YOLO is not a legitimate word. -5 points”

  • Nishat August 6th, 2012 7:18 PM

    Ugh I am so confused as to whether these are real or not but now I’m going to feel so stupid if they’re not.

    Ignore me.

    “It’s a smash hit!”

  • Selenium August 6th, 2012 7:20 PM

    After reading these, I’m always in tears. I’m adopting your supah hip Aunt and Uncle.

  • rayfashionfreak August 6th, 2012 7:20 PM

    Aahhahhhahahhhhhhhaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahhhah!! This is brilliant!! I always love these articles, they just bring a huge smile to my face everytime, thank you Rookie!! Also thank you for making me feel a little happier and less stressed about getting my exam results tomorrow!! Ah well if I fail I can always say YOLO, you only get one chance to fail! (Sorry about the over the top ahahas)

  • 510elise August 6th, 2012 7:22 PM

    This is my favorite series on Rookie! It is such a creative way to express pop culture and its ridiculousness. Thank you Pixie!

  • ShakespeareRules August 6th, 2012 7:33 PM

    This is so funny! How do you come up with it all? x

  • pygmypuffs August 6th, 2012 7:53 PM

    Mitch’s valedictions are the best.

  • August 6th, 2012 7:53 PM

    AHHHHH!!!! Their back :):):):) I love their twitter :)
    #yolo

  • LuxOrBust August 6th, 2012 7:57 PM

    i <3 them

    • LuxOrBust August 7th, 2012 8:29 PM

      p.s. i know its satirical, still love them

  • lindzi August 6th, 2012 7:59 PM

    This is hilarious! You have the best Aunt and Uncle! “What is YOLO? Is it some type of yogurt?” I can’t stop laughing!

  • Spotty August 6th, 2012 8:21 PM

    I’ve been waiting for aunt debbie & uncle mitch for so long, glad they’re back!

  • BritishFish August 6th, 2012 8:28 PM

    Oh man, your uncle seems like the greatest person ever. hahaha

  • roserach August 6th, 2012 8:49 PM

    My brother had to tell me what yolo was the other day. It does sound like a yogurt……

  • Kathryn August 6th, 2012 8:57 PM

    Making a twitter account for them was the best idea ever! hahahaha

  • christinachristina August 6th, 2012 9:11 PM

    “Irony alert: dude works in the tool department.” Yesssssssss.

  • Eve4565 August 6th, 2012 9:12 PM

    Deb and Mitch the Movie needs to happen

  • the8thglass August 6th, 2012 9:14 PM

    Oh good lord. I already knew I had found my true people on Rookie– but this really just made it official <3

  • AliceinWonderland August 6th, 2012 9:20 PM

    Yay! More aunt and uncle! Honestly these are some of the funniest things on Rookie!

  • Den August 6th, 2012 9:36 PM

    OMG THEY ARE AMAZING I AM IN LOVE <3

  • SiLK August 6th, 2012 10:26 PM

    Your aunt and uncle sound amazing, I drew a few weird glances by laughing at loud at the shoe description. I must remember to go back and read it when I need a smile :)

    http://masksmagpies.blogspot.com

  • aidee August 6th, 2012 10:31 PM

    aunt yolo omg i can’t stop laughing
    i love them.

  • Adrienne August 6th, 2012 10:42 PM

    Moonshoes! YOLO! I love Deb and Mitch… I bet they’ll rival Your Aunt Diane from Twitter!

    http://theaverageasiangirl.blogspot.com

  • taste test August 7th, 2012 12:12 AM

    I graduated this year and Glad You Came was my class’s song. I have no idea who picked it or why, but it made all our Senior Events 50% more awkward because someone would always play it.

    for the millionth time.. I am so glad I am done with high school…

    also, hooray for aunt debbie and uncle mitch getting a twitter! nothing but greatness can come of this.

  • SpencerBowie August 7th, 2012 12:29 AM

    #AlmostPeedMyPants #LOVEUncleMitchAndAuntDebbie #GladYouCame #Slacks #Pennys #YOLO #LoveRookie #Hastag :)

  • Nurul August 7th, 2012 12:52 AM

    I’m not sure why but Aunt Debbie and Uncle Mitch remind me of Gladys and Abner Kravitz from Bewitched.

  • Pearl August 7th, 2012 2:50 AM

    Love Aunt Deb & Uncle Mitch so much. #YOLO #TeamYOLO #ImGladYouCame :)
    http://www.pforpearl.blogspot.com

  • SincerelyIsabella August 7th, 2012 4:19 AM

    Why can’t my aunt and uncle be like this?
    Isabella
    http://sincerelyisabella.blogspot.com.au/
    PS. I really need Aunt Debbie’s twitter.

  • ivoire August 7th, 2012 5:56 AM

    hahahah omg! i really want uncle mitch as my uncle aaaah.

  • LeatherStuddedFae August 7th, 2012 6:32 AM

    OMAIGOD! They’re so amazing. =]]] Made my day. Wish I had folks like them. ;D

    http://stylestuddedfairy.blogspot.com/

  • bridiebird August 7th, 2012 7:19 AM

    keep on rockin’ in the free world <——- THE BEST

  • SweetThangVintage August 7th, 2012 11:58 AM

    These have got to be my favorite rookie articles. XD

  • back2thepast August 7th, 2012 12:22 PM

    K i dunno why but my best friend and i think hashtags are the most hilarious things ever. Aunt debbie gone twitter?? # lifecomplete

  • AestheticJunkie August 7th, 2012 2:05 PM

    Literally the best thing ever :’)
    I love Aunt Debbie and Uncle Mitch

  • Susann August 7th, 2012 3:06 PM

    Absolutely hilarious! Aunt Debbie seems like a super cool person!

    Fashion in Pepperland

  • GlitterKitty August 7th, 2012 4:47 PM

    Pixie, you are amazing.

  • sluttysuicide August 8th, 2012 8:22 AM

    Aunt Yolo -I am dying, so true

  • Motherfunker August 8th, 2012 10:17 AM

    these kill me – ‘P.S. What is YOLO? Is it some kind of yogurt? I asked the paperboy and he just said, “That’s the motto,” but didn’t say anything else.’ made me cry a tiny bit from laughing. #YOLO #YOLO

  • aud85220 August 8th, 2012 10:36 PM

    I might pee my pants from laughing, but you know what? YOLO.

    Also, YOLO should totally be a yogurt. And for the yogurt commercials, the little catchy background song would be Call Me Maybe, and Aunt YOLO would go around singing it to strangers and then say “YOLO!” and hand them the yogurt.

    I’m sorry, but I think this plan is going to work. Just say’n! :3

  • streaked lights August 9th, 2012 7:10 AM

    I’m laughing so hard I can’t BREATHE. I completely lost it after “I think it’s nice that there’s a song out there thanking people for attending gatherings.”
    #YOLO

    http://www.anooshadraws.blogspot.com

  • Harley August 9th, 2012 2:16 PM

    “Irony alert: dude works in the tool department”
    Oh my gosh, I practically died when I read that!

  • MiaSt August 9th, 2012 2:34 PM

    This was the funniest, most exciting piece I’ve read in a while ♡ thanks so much for making my day!

  • brynntheredonethat August 10th, 2012 9:31 PM

    Oh my God THE TWITTER MAKES MY LIFE THANK YOU SO MUCH

  • mayaautumn August 11th, 2012 4:27 PM

    ahahaa aha HA HA! weird laugh….
    anyway this is so funny. my friends mum sent her a text yesterday saying:
    Hi, I’ve got you sushi and a doughnut for lunch… yolo x
    well it was something along those lines anyway! :)

    http://cottonmixblog.blogspot.com

  • TessaTheTeenageWitch August 12th, 2012 12:57 AM

    Aunt Debbie reminds me so much of my mum. The other day mum and I were listening to the radio and she told me that she never understood what the singers were talking about when they said they wanted someone to “take control”. When I told her it was sexual, she demanded details. Mortifying.

  • robynjean August 17th, 2012 11:22 AM

    viva aunt debbie and uncle mitch! thank you for making my boring south african friday wonderful.

  • wayffleos August 17th, 2012 1:52 PM

    This is how much I absolutely LOVVVVEE rookie:

    I put a pop tart in the toaster like half an hour ago but Ive been so distracted by your articles that I TOTALLY forgot about it.

    And I never forget about pop tarts, especially the hot fudge sundae kind

    • wayffleos August 17th, 2012 1:53 PM

      Btw I cracked up the entire time while I was reading this. It was freakin hilarious!!!!!!!

  • RachelTri August 22nd, 2012 3:33 AM

    I can’t tell if this is *completely for realsies* because, honestly… do aunts and uncles *this cool* really exist? *This cool???* SO MUCH COOL.

  • Chloe October 29th, 2012 9:37 PM

    my new favourite post… ever.

  • cryptdang November 10th, 2012 7:30 PM

    Regarding YOLO: that is actually the name of a county in California (not sure of the origin of the name). There’s a lot of agriculture there and the farmer’s markets are AWESOME. But it always takes me a minute to figure out “why are they talking about…oh. right.” Useless fact for the day!