Dear Diary

July 4, 2012

Blah blah blah blah blah blah, Magic Mike.


I’ve spent a lot of time hanging out alone or spacing out at work the last couple of weeks, so I get to daydreaming, and it’s mostly taken me down MEMORY LANEZZZ. I’ve also been going through old playlists, which I seldom do, because I base my playlists on particular emotional conditions. I know from a glance at a track list how I was feeling when I made HALOW33N B@BY or Funeral Songs, in Case I Die. I typically don’t want to revisit them, because they’re time capsules; indulging in them now feels like listening to Christmas music in September. But for some reason I’ve been listening to a playlist called Spring Break Home lately, which was curated for a trip to Seattle that I took in March, a few days after I was assaulted.

March was kind of insane: I spent two weeks straight in the studio at school during midterms. I said goodbye to the crush boy formerly known as Crush Boy. I got beat up on the street walking home from the bus. I flew home for three days during spring break to be with my mom and deal with everything. For a long time I hid how very, very hurt I was that the crush boy never said anything to me about the attack, but eventually I admitted it to my mom. I returned to San Francisco for three days of glorious partying at a music festival, and I felt like myself again. Spring break ended at the beginning of April, and life kept going.

The playlist consists of songs that defined that time for me. “Shattered” by the Stones reminded me that to live in Oakland, you must be tuff tuff tuff tuff tuff tuff, while “Just Like a Woman” reminded me to stay strong (I didn’t want to break like the girl Dylan sings about). King Tuff’s “Bad Thing” was released on the internet literally the morning after my attack, so it was like my power-pop life raft. As always, Neil, my favorite voice of all time since the beginning of time, brought me home with “Walk On,” so I could make it through those next few excursions, which were pretty difficult even in broad daylight.

Looking at the past seems pointlessly indulgent, and I am brought back to events that I’ve made an effort to emotionally detach from. But it’s halfway through 2012, and sometimes checkpoints like this aren’t totally trivial. This is a good year. This is one of those years that make me want to go to a grassy hilltop in a ball gown and spin around, looking toward the sky with arms outstretched, gaily proclaiming, “This is MY year, HUNNY!” which is what I imagine a weight-loss commercial in January might look like.

I think about a month like March, and I realize I’m stronger than I suspected. At the time, all of the stuff I was going through seemed routine, but as I look back I’m stunned by how absurd and challenging it all was. I refused to realize it then, because I thought it was better to deal than to dwell. But screw the idea of feeling indulgent. It feels good to use the past to remind me of my personal power, even if a lot of it comes from rock & roll songs. ♦


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  • theflavoulitx July 4th, 2012 7:23 PM

    Ruby, i totally understand you here. Sometimes I make friends with people who almost scare me like you said, so thanks for writing this!!

  • isobele July 4th, 2012 7:25 PM

    Ruby your in such a Lindsay Weir situaton!

  • Mayabett July 4th, 2012 7:42 PM

    Ruby don’t let them get to you! Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.
    I’m sure you can find people who are more like you. These other kids sound like a bad influence just in that they might pressure you to do something you wouldn’t normally.
    But just take care of yourself.

  • NotReallyChristian July 4th, 2012 7:43 PM

    Naomi: I like Shakespeare and the Hunger Games – we exist! :) I need all kinds of books in my life, and that means super-exciting quick reads (I read fast, so HG was a two-day deal for me) and stuff I can really get my teeth into. Admittedly I don’t like Nicki Minaj but that’s mainly because I thought ‘Stupid Hoe’ was just kind of depressing. (and am I the only person who thinks it should be ‘ho’? Because a hoe is definitely a gardening tool.)

    • isobele July 4th, 2012 7:49 PM

      haha! im sorry you just made me laugh so bad! yeah a hoe is definitely a gardening tool. or am i thinking of a trowel…

  • Aurora July 4th, 2012 7:43 PM

    OHMIGOD NAOMI I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. I always like a mix of things, and my friends wil give me so much crap for it. I was talking to one of my friends who is really into bands like Pearl Jam and Nirvana, and told him about Hole. He looked them up and called me saying “I HAVEN’T HEARD OF THIS AND YOU HAVE????? YOU LISTEN TO ONE DIRECTION FOR GOD’S SAKE. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??”

    • Naomi Morris July 4th, 2012 8:00 PM

      and eww he likes nirvana and hadn’t heard of hole? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM

      • kirsten July 5th, 2012 11:20 PM

        seriously! how does that even work??

  • Avril July 4th, 2012 8:22 PM

    Ruby, be careful please.

  • erin July 4th, 2012 8:28 PM

    I totally know what you mean, Naomi. I was on a bus ride home from some school thing one time when everyone started barating this guy cause he said the Fray was better than Nirvana. At first I started joining in, but then I thought, “I don’t even listen to Nirvana, why would I jump down his throat about this?” You can’t even compare them, and everyone has a right to their own opinion.

  • diny July 4th, 2012 9:07 PM

    i am learning that you shouldn’t expect anything from your friends. and my sister always say to me that i should be friend with anyone. but it is really up to you really, since it is your very own life.

  • bookworm123 July 4th, 2012 9:10 PM

    Naomi! You said EXACTLY what I have been feeling! I AM allowed to like both One Direction and The Wombats!

    It is just much simpler to just like what you like, and not care if that might make you look like a poser or a hipster.

    And Ruby: These girls are making me a bit nervous for you. Be smart, ok? :)

  • Helenus July 4th, 2012 10:13 PM

    Next time there’s a post concerning music, it would be really neat if you guys incorporated some Spacemen 3. They’re very chill and are absolutely PERFF for summer jamz. “I Love You” and “Mary Anne” are a couple of my favourites . Anyway. Just a suggestion from a humble Rookie reader.
    Thank you for the amazing content, as always. Cheers.

  • SarahCat July 4th, 2012 10:13 PM

    Naomiiiiii, perfection! I’ve been thinking alot about the validation and justification of music (and other forms) of snobbery, but I’ve never been able to put them into words. You pulled it off so wellllllllll.

  • brightlycoloredstockings July 4th, 2012 10:27 PM

    Hey Ruby! So I don’t like ever comment…but here we go…so i am currently in the same kind of situation but it has advanced a little further i guess…i moved into this city not too long ago and i didnt have any friends so i walked around, got coffee, pretended to be cool, all that fun stuff. Recently, i was flirted with by a guy ima call mr. super gages. So i’m wary at first, but gave him my number so he wouldnt like freak out. Then I started talking to the kid and he was sweet and intelligent and i was adopted into the “druggie” group. As a straight A, sporty, nerdy, never-done-anything-bad-ever girl i kind of felt cool. I made really good friends even though I didnt do drugs like most of them did. I think theyre great company and beautiful people and even though i might go home before dark and not go partying with them…i have a blast. i have friends. i love it. CONCLUSION TO THIS EPIC COMMENT is that as long as you feel like theyre not putting you in danger and you still stay true to your beliefs i say go for it! youll have fun stories to tell anyway (:

  • Tiger July 4th, 2012 10:28 PM

    Ruby: YOU’RE BETTER THEN THEM. I’m having a flashback to your first rookie article (in the crowd) and its making me nervous for you, Rubes!!. Don’t let these girls take advantage of you. You are too awesome for them.

    Naomi:Thank you sooo. I felt like I was the only one with this problem!! At school there are 2 groups–the defined mainstream group and the defined indie group. And I don’t fall into either….but yeah also

    ^ Minna:Beatiful collage as always.

  • Moxx July 4th, 2012 10:37 PM

    I secretly think people have bad taste… Of course I don’t tell it to them and go “how could you like this terrible thing??? This band/movie/book/etc. is bad and you should feel bad!”, but that sort of information about people’s tastes and stuff is only good in certain situations and for certain reasons (ex they want to exchange mixtapes), so it’s not so bad. I just think it’s rude to be rude to people for this. But I still secretly think “how could you like this book and not aknowledge that it is badly writtennnnnn”. (because sometimes stuff is bad and FUN because of it, and that’s a bit different)
    Yeah, nobody should call you our for that sort of thing, unless everybody’s having some sort of taste debate.
    (well, that’s what I think, anyway)

  • MadelinelovesLouReed July 5th, 2012 2:03 AM

    Dude Mike’s furniture was TOTES ugly. But you’ve got to admit Magic Mike really portrayed selling yourself as a glamorous profession. I just wanna grow up and be a male striper now.

  • Tara July 5th, 2012 2:27 AM

    Minna GREAT COLLAGE! Bruce is the boss of course and I love that song with every fiber of my being. I love the chattin’ pair lying on their stomachs and the ultra-flexible happy child.

    Dylan: I am so sorry about your assault. I never commented on that in the diary post maybe because I was too shocked and didn’t know what to say other than “wow that’s awful that you experienced that. I am sorry” but I really have to say: you are a strong, strong person and you got through it and I am proud of you even though what happened was seriously terrible. also, I really relate to the playlist thing. I do the same thing and playlists are a time capsule sort of. and this year’s been in someways a rough and complicated one for me too and I understand.

    Naomi, you are so right and I loved the way you talked about comparing things and loving different kinds of things. Hey I love classic films but I also loved Dirty Dancing! and Grease! I’m into 60′s rock but I like Lana Del Rey too!

    Katherine what you described, that’s how I felt at my college orientation. It was kind of wonderful having the guts to talk to all of these people and also nice to be excited.
    Ruby I love and miss camp and do be careful but just generally be true to your heart and your mind and do what you think is right! Okay?

    phew longest rookie comment ever sorry!

  • Lucille July 5th, 2012 4:08 AM

    Ruby, just carefully!:)

  • Lillypod July 5th, 2012 5:00 AM

    Ruby: If you don’t like the things these girls are into, then maybe you shouldn’t hang out with them. It’s always easy to think you can be friends with them and but not get into bad/weird stuff, but unfortunately most friendships don’t work like that. As soon as you start to really like them, you might find yourself doing things to impress them and get them to like you…
    The POINT IS…don’t compromise your standards for people who won’t accept you how you are. You seem so smart and well adjusted. I think YOU are the one who has things figured out…not them!!!

  • whisperedglasswords July 5th, 2012 7:01 AM

    Ruby, I totally get your situation. I’ve been in it on numerous occasions over the last couple of years. My advice? Be wary at first. Be careful until you’re sure of their motives. Don’t let them use you, AT ALL. If they don’t like you because you won’t do things for them that make you uncomfortable, keep your distance. Friendships with girls like that can go either way. I often end up getting hurt by girls like that, so, again, be careful.

  • Minna July 5th, 2012 7:27 AM

    Hey Dylan – I love reminiscing to old playlists. Can bring back such visceral memories ooohhh! I make playlists about important people in my life (CREEP) and about times and stuff and it’s so lovely to have everything summarized so perfectly, so sentimentally, in a selection of songs..! XXX P.S Neil young OHHH MAN. and P.P.S U GO GIRL!!! XXXXX

  • missmadness July 5th, 2012 10:26 AM

    Ruby-there’s a difference between someone being a “bad” kid with a good heart (smokes, light drugs, swears, whatevs) and a plain ole bad person. The first kind of person will, generally, act like a good friend. The second will either screw you over, leave you out to dry, or drag you down with them. Evaluate how you really feel around these girls–not how you “should” feel. Your answer comes from that.

    • Libby July 5th, 2012 11:52 AM

      And often, the ‘best’ girls–the smart ones, with a good group of friends and a curfew and no cigarettes hidden in their bag, can be the worst ones.
      Despite what these girls may act like, they can still be genuinely lovely people, and the good girls can still be backstabbing bitches who ditch you and leave you alone in the dark
      (yes i am bitter)

      • missmadness July 5th, 2012 6:17 PM

        yeah, basically people can suck no matter what walk of life they come from. hard/unfun lesson to learn, but a valuable one.

  • July 5th, 2012 11:39 AM

    Ruby: those girls are making me nervous, just be careful alright….

  • 3LL3NH July 5th, 2012 11:45 AM

    Hey Katherine! I loved your post; I was laughing by the end, but it also made me think about grade 9. I started not knowing anyone and not talking to anyone, and the moment I got friends (the best friends i’ve still got) was when I actually said hi to someone. Not exactly comparable, but it made me think. So thanks.

    And Ruby, we still love you darling, no matter what happens. Put yourself first, and you’ll get there eventually!

  • indigosunday July 5th, 2012 3:05 PM

    Naomi=perfect. I feel this way a lot…sometimes I read things and people are like, “if you like Nicki Minaj, then in NO WAY can you be appreciative of music or even say you love Patti Smith. NUH UH” so you saying this is really perfect.

    *And I used to listen to S Club 7 all the time*

  • Dino July 5th, 2012 3:09 PM

    I agree Naomi!!!
    I hate it when people on YouTube are having a fight, saying Justin Bieber sucks and all R&B is stupid and only rock is REAL music. Just give it a rest will you? People have different tastes! It doesn’t make the style of music you don’t like not music…

  • anindieeducation July 5th, 2012 4:14 PM

    Taste cannot be defined as good or bad because taste is subjective. That’s the point.

    And hey if it makes you feel any better, I’ve been to X Factor tour, one direction tour but am seeing twin Atlantic later this year. There is room enough for all tastes


  • abigail July 6th, 2012 1:15 PM

    Naomi, thank you so much for writing this. People need to realize that two good things aren’t always comparable.

  • Lizmaster3000 July 7th, 2012 1:20 PM

    Katherine yes the furniture looked like shit. Absolute shit. More stripping less drama! seriously, i feel like the sub-plot wasted everyone’s time. i didn’t feel satisfied at the ending.

  • Mom July 9th, 2012 1:49 AM

    dylan I knew it was harder than you wanted to acknowledge. It’s good to build strength AND it’s good to pay attention to how it really feels. I pray you safe every day.

  • Pfft July 10th, 2012 8:36 AM

    DYLAN- You organize playlists like that too? Most of my friends have a small compilation of “set” playlists, but I make new ones almost every month to document goings ons

    RUBY- I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago, and none of those people are currently anything more than my facebook friends. I’ve also been that kind of person at one point, and became super manipulative. I asked similar questions even though it was obvious that my friend never did anything out of line ever. It just felt really good to “know more” than her. I’m not saying that you should just stop being friends with them, because they could actually be great people, but it’s important to remember that they’re just kids too.
    And I don’t think she’ll be mad if you don’t. Especially if she’s worth being friends with. Besides, a lot of people don’t like using facebook. If you really feel uncomfortable, just tell her it’s too confusing.
    With friendship, I don’t think it’s that important that you share interests, as much as values.

    • Dylan July 15th, 2012 10:11 PM

      Yeeees, playlists are basically my diary.

  • TropicanaLuxx July 13th, 2012 10:38 AM

    ZOMG, Ruby I’m in the same sitch at uni. Problem is these girls are the only peeps i know at uni and it’s hard to keep an amicable distance. But then again I have NOTHING in common with them.

  • illonablyton July 15th, 2012 6:36 AM

    I need to see Magic Mike as my future husband (Alex Pettyfer The Great) is a stripper. All in all good fun!

    Ooh, university sounds fun… and scary. I have no idea what I’m going to do, friends-wise. Maybe I’ll just do what you did. How difficult can it really be?

    PS. Very, very difficult.

  • farawayfaerie July 15th, 2012 4:39 PM

    RUBY – have fun, people are people, they seem exciting and a little badass and on your toes entertainment wise. obviously stay true to yourself, and don’t do anything you don’t want to etc. etc. but it’s good to get out of your comfort zone sometimes. I wouldn’t write them off just yet :)