Dear Diary

July 18, 2012

The future and the past and the present.

Naomi

I am having a problem with happiness. It is a tricky emotion. I think I am happy, and then it eludes me again. Is it to be chased after, or should you wait for it?

Sometimes I am preoccupied by the idea that everything is in my head; my whole life is in my head. It is either a perception of the world now, memories of the past, or what I want for my future. But what I imagine is always cleaner and soft around the edges, and it seems distant. When I come close to it, I can see the hard edges once again, and maybe it’s anxiety, but it feels like I am able to see all the bad things that exist. Then bad thoughts pile up and up.

Would all my dreams of happiness be better kept in my head? Should I even bother trying to make them a reality? Maybe it is a case of overthinking. Not much works out the way I think it will. Often, the times when I feel fulfilled seem to spring from the ground on their own like a green shoot ready to flower. Suddenly my mind is open and can perceive possibilities, every path rolling out in every direction. I can begin to see the flowers bloom. But the preoccupations of life mean it doesn’t take long for me to forget their colours and scents.

I have a difficult mind–it takes me a long time to collect a sense of my moods. It’s only when I look back and wonder why I didn’t appreciate that day more, or that summer, or that time that I realize I had happiness. But memories are blurry and not to be trusted entirely. It is easy to smooth over any cracks, to forget the fuzz of discomfort, and how intricate and overlapping emotions really are.

I feel happy writing this right now. I zoned out and am experiencing a comforting tunnel vision. I feel happy writing songs. I feel happy writing anything. It’s similar to the memory feeling, or the dreaming-of-the-future feeling, because thoughts are calm, and bad things don’t intrude. Perhaps reality doesn’t intrude.

I feel happy when it is dusk and I can look out my bedroom windows to the horizon. Blue to purple to pink clouds gather, and distant trees are haloed by the setting sun. Like right now. It is so quiet. It is the first day I can remember that it is not raining, and I can finally see the texture of the sky. The horizon is like a faded memory, or a future one. It is there, you can see it, but it is far away and has no end. I often have a strong urge to follow the sunset. To try and reach something so pure. ♦

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20 Comments

  • Emmie July 18th, 2012 8:12 PM

    Hey Ruby, I hope this year coming up is really good to you, because you seem brilliant to me.

  • lylsoy July 18th, 2012 8:28 PM

    Oh Dylan, I love this post! I love Hello Kitty, too, but on the other hand, I feel grown up, because I am not one of the drama-queen-teens. :* Electronic hugs to everyone who loves rookie
    http://gossipgonzesse.blogspot.com.au/

  • Marguerite July 18th, 2012 8:34 PM

    i spend too much time in my head
    i plan things out, to see how i think people will react and what will happen after that

    but when the time comes, i get too scared to ask questions, buy things in case i will want to buy something more expensive later, i forget to live in the moment…
    and then once i miss my chance, i think about what would have happened if i didn’t overthink things

    • Emmie July 21st, 2012 8:57 PM

      it’s hard to overcome that shitty side of life sometimes. i hope you can. but i understand you, completely.

  • Cerise July 18th, 2012 11:08 PM

    Dylan, I know *exactly* what you’re talking about with the forced bonding thing. :P The school I went to in HS l basically thought that if we ever had some sort of event/retreat/trip, it was highly necessary for us to sit in circles and confess our deepest, darkest secrets and cry, never mind that we barely knew some of these people.

    And then I met these girls who are absolutely wonderful, who I can act all weird and emotional and crazy with. Being so open was really foreign to me at first, but then it just became this really cool and lovely thing. I think the key difference there is that with my friends, it’s entirely natural and sincere. You just can’t force that kind of connection.

  • Mayabett July 18th, 2012 11:56 PM

    Katherine, I wish I were you right now. I’m dying to go to an outdoor music festival. I absolutely HATE that I missed Governor’s Ball here in NYC. (And the parentals certainly didn’t want to even consider sending me to Lollapalooza, even after I explained that it wasn’t as wacky as the name suggested.)

    And Ruby, I feel the same way about school starting up again. I’m going to get a new ‘do, some cool new clothes…
    I kind of strongly dislike (i.e. hate) the majority of my grade (I have a tiny grade), but I’m more sure of myself this year, way more confident, and I may not like them but I feel awesome so whatever.

  • anotheryouth July 19th, 2012 12:00 AM

    I’ve read but never commented on rookie articles for a few months now. In fact, I had to make an account for the first time to comment here (which I was glad to do, if it makes me in some way more of the rookie family!) I just needed to say to Naomi, that was absolutely beautiful. I was having a really difficult night and somehow, just reading something that – though not directly related to my situation- felt as though it came from a perspective I can relate to so intensely did so much to make me feel less alone. Thank you for reading my mind and being here for me even though you had no idea you were!

    • Naomi July 19th, 2012 5:52 PM

      thank you thank you thank you. this is the best comment i have ever received!

  • Narita July 19th, 2012 1:12 AM

    Yo Ruby, I’ve got some high school advice for you.

    - It’s better than middle school. Like, way better. Everyone suddenly thinks they’re grown-up, which they’re not, but at least they act a bit more sophisticated. (Beecuzz we’re high skool gurls now rite????)

    - Just be yourself. Really, you’ll find other people that are out of the ordinary as well. I’m spending most of my time with the alternative/emo-ish kids because they’re most tolerant and play the best music and at least have more to tell than how their fingernail snipped and/or how expensive their UGGs and Blackberries were.

    - I’ve heard that American high school isn’t too hard. In the Netherlands, we have several levels. Mine is the second hardest, but American high school is compared to the lowest level here. If I can handle the second hardest, you sure can handle the lowest.

    - Just act ‘normal’. Don’t make a huge deal out of being different, just dress the way you want, listen to what you want et cetera but if someone talks to you, try to talk back. Make a joke or something, it doesn’t really matter but DON’T STAY SILENT. They’ll think you feel to good for them, even if you just don’t want to talk to anyone, it’s just teen logic idk.

    - Don’t tell your whole story to everyone. My form teacher made that choice for me in freshman year, sent me out of the room and told everyone that my mom had died when I were 10, I had lived in foster families et cetera. Legally, she wasn’t even allowed to do that, but my class acted nice to me for three whole days and then told me to cry with my mom.

    Good luck, it’ll be ok!

  • Sea goddess July 19th, 2012 1:23 AM

    Naomi I get youuuuu alot!!!! I have reached happiness in my own world, where only I exist, I learned not to expect anything from anyone, and well so far I do things merely for ME, and not to show others, but to prove to me that I can do as I wish. I really like drawing and writing, but lately I have been feeling trapped in this everyday habitat, alot of noise and unpeaceful, I hope to find a quiet place where I can watch the sun at about 6 or 7 pm!! with paper and pencil in hand!♥

  • HarrietIsAPirate July 19th, 2012 5:23 AM

    Naomi, I love your entry today so much, you write beautifully! I can definitely relate to the feeling of everything being distant and happiness being eternally elusive.

    And Ruby, you are so awesome! I wish I’d been as cool and self-aware as you are when I was your age. I hope you are happy at high school, I’m sure you’ll do just fine!

  • meels July 19th, 2012 6:33 AM

    Katherine, im so jealous you got to go to pitchfork!! I watched the live streams on YouTube and it seemed so fun, im glad i could live vicariously through your post

  • bird July 19th, 2012 3:24 PM

    Naomi! I’m sorry to say this kind of randomly, but I know you are a fan… I saw Bruce Springsteen in Hyde Park and, at the end of the show, he introduced Paul McCartney and he came on and they dueted ‘I Saw Her Standing There’ and ‘Twist and Shout’!! Talk about happiness…

    • Naomi July 19th, 2012 5:51 PM

      bruce is always relevant! i am happy it made you happy

  • Mom July 19th, 2012 3:48 PM

    those rookie girls are YOUR PEOPLE dylan

  • Aislinn July 19th, 2012 8:36 PM

    I love all the articles!!!!! <3

  • total slut July 19th, 2012 9:55 PM

    if the theme was punk why did they play screamo

  • raYchel July 20th, 2012 1:29 AM

    Naomi, what you said about the past was really true… So often I look back and think life was so great back then blah blah like a senior citizen. But I think the past seems that way because we can’t always remember what emotions we were feeling then, we just remember some event… Anyway, your writing style is really gorgeous… like poetry!

  • SamB July 24th, 2012 11:58 PM

    Katrine, come visit me. I haven’t seen you all summer! Plus, you haven’t told about any of this cool stuff in person, which is a problem. If I could put this comment in Comic Sans, I would (heh heh). Bottom line is, Fantasy misses Gorgeous…and Fantasy really misses Gorgeous’s cooking…and the delegation from Latvia needs to reunite.