Dear Diary

June 27, 2012

In search of summer fun.


This morning the bell from the lodge rang three times at 7:30 AM. I woke up and got ready quickly, because it was my day to be “waitress,” and I had to set the table with mismatched silverware and locally grown food and a tin pitcher of orange juice.

I’m at an all-girls camp in the middle of nowhere. It’s surrounded by trees, and there’s no electricity except for in the office, which is where people file documents or make emergency calls or do other things. I’ve made arrangements to write my Rookie diary in the office once a week.

It’s my vacation from the world. I don’t have to think about anything. I don’t even have to think about food, which is unusual. My relationship with food isn’t great, but here I have a preset diet that they will make you eat, so it’s stupid to even bother worrying about it. I am being so active that I don’t worry about gaining weight…something I know I shouldn’t be worrying about anyway, but can’t seem to help at home. I don’t even worry about other people not liking me here, because I just feel like they do.

The camp play is going to be Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and I am going to audition for the role of Violet. I am really excited about the musical, which will be my own adaptation of A Very Potter Musical. I will audition for the part of Draco Malfoy.

I am also excited for archery. I love to hear the arrow whizzing through space and watch it puncture the target. When I shoot, I feel as fast and powerful as the arrow flying through the air.

I am free here. I do whatever I want. I keep a diary but don’t have to feel obligated to write full entries that start with “dear diary” and end with my name. Sometimes I write one word. Sometimes I write pages.

When I let go of all my rigorous responsibilities, such as writing exactly a page in my diary each day, I am much less stressed and upset in general. Being here makes it easier to get excited about such things as a camp play. In fact, I don’t really have a choice. There’s nothing to worry about. This place is wonderful. ♦


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  • Abby June 27th, 2012 7:21 PM


  • Marguerite June 27th, 2012 7:26 PM

    I wanna learn archery so bad!!!!!! I also want to be able to shoot, but thats kinda scary…

  • Eryn June 27th, 2012 7:59 PM

    I usually feel the same way about summer. I guess I like to have a schedule, and as much as I complain about having to wake up early and go to school 10 months of the year, I guess I kind of miss that. Come summer, the days just seem endless, hot, gross… but THIS summer! Is it some peculair coincidence that I am ALSO now feeling that this summer will be better? That there are things to do! Places to go! Good times to be had! Even those endless lazy days seem more appealing. Three cheers for a fantastic summer vacation!
    Also, I think i might be a self-confidence psycho as well?

  • Tiger June 27th, 2012 8:06 PM

    Ruby, you’re camp sounds amazing. I know what you mean. Everyone is so much nicer at sleepaway camps in the middle of nowhere than they are at school.

  • Tiger June 27th, 2012 8:07 PM

    And I meant your camp, not you’re camp:)

  • Gi June 27th, 2012 8:21 PM

    Naomi: I have anxiety too, since I was, well, I’m not really sure when it started but let’s just say adolescence. So I know you are refering too. It comes and goes, it seems. I really never goes entirely but just comes back in meaner ways sometimes. You just have to get through it, hold in there, forgive yourself for it because it’s super normal that you blame yourself and move on. Those bad days go away eventually and then the good times afloat. It’s a matter of holding on and not letting if defeat you. I hope you’re feeling better now but if not, you will very soon. You seem to be a strong and intelligent person so just keep fighting and you’ll get to the better days.

  • Yellie June 27th, 2012 8:35 PM

    I have that hugging feeling all the time too, I feel like at any off day i could loose all my progress…
    It’s nice to hear it from someone else so for now i like that you talk about it, but for your sake i hope that one day you will find you don’t have to.

  • GlitterKitty June 27th, 2012 9:07 PM

    I’m also trying to be less bored, depressed, and lazy this summer. It’s going okay…. I’m sort of bummed one of my best friends decided to go to camp for 8 weeks… But oh well. I’m going to make this a good summer.

    And OMG Ruby… Camp zibes. I love archery too but mainly because one of my counsellors goes all out and does it Lord of the Rings themed. It’s amazing. I’m so excited for camp!!!

  • June 27th, 2012 10:02 PM

    Ruby: your camp sounds awesome! Archery, A Very Potter Musical, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory; what else could a girl want :)

  • Harley June 27th, 2012 10:28 PM

    Katherine, I totally get what you mean! I’ve been out of school for a month and I haven’t gone out much yet. I’ve stayed inside to hang out with my dad who can’t work for a while because of an injury. I’ve also stayed in to read, watch cartoons, and pretend to be an artist when I actually can’t draw. Whenever friends text me about bonfires or going shopping, I think “Humans exist outside of this household!”
    I’ve made a goal to go outside at least twice a week, I even have a vitamin D deficiency because I never go outside. I’m kind of weird, as you can see!

  • Mayabett June 27th, 2012 10:30 PM

    Naomi, don’t worry! (Kind of ironic statement, I know.)
    I used to be such a terribly anxious person I couldn’t even leave the house on some days. Fast forward a few months later, and I feel so so so good.
    Anxiety is really a demon and I never realized it could be so destructive. I don’t know if you have access to it, but try reading up on dialectical behavior therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy if you don’t have the opportunity to see a specialist. It has changed my LIFE. Give it a shot, because there are so many skills you can put into practice to combat that horrible anxious feeling.

    xx Maya

  • Monica June 27th, 2012 10:34 PM

    Katherine, I am the exact same way! I feel like I should get into volunteering or something but I really don’t have anyone to do it with since all my friends either already have jobs or sports or vacations and I’m not good at meeting new people alone. So I usually spend a majority of my summer home alone. I have hung out with a couple friends so far, not too many. I noticed your usage of the word “hella”, I take it you’re from the Bay Area? I’m from SF! Anyway, your diary entry has encouraged me to try to get out at least every other day :) Thanks for that. I hope you have an exceptionally average summer!

  • Kathryn June 28th, 2012 12:12 AM

    I got the chance to try archery once and I want to do it again! Also, the girl who plays Draco in AVPM is hilarious. I want to go to a summer camp!

  • hantom June 28th, 2012 1:53 AM

    Naomi – I could have written that post myself (just not as well!). Anxiety holds me back most summers because first of all it’s usually just after exam time which for some reason brings on my anxiety, and also busy plans make me nervous. You can definitely fight it though. I feel like it’s like wearing glasses that you can’t take off, or being surrounded by a bubble that you know you’re surrounded by but can’t quite get out of. You just need to make a tiny tiny gap in the bubble and then you can let your positive thoughts flow in :) Have a brilliant summer, it will be great! x

    • Naomi Morris June 28th, 2012 6:01 PM

      i like that glasses metaphor. you are very kind – i think (and hope) there was just a little bump in the road xxx

  • Sea goddess June 28th, 2012 2:17 AM

    OH WOW i had JUST finished writing my comment and my pc decides to freeze. Dylan i get you soo much, my summer has been great until TODAY or YESTERDAY. I slept at 2am woke up at 6am and im still up. I ate fast food (im against it). My neck hurt in swimming. Im scared to go tomorrow to the deep pool. The guy i had/have a crush on was online today and didn’t even said hi, after like four days of not talking. My head hurt, i need new glasses. I missed my bestfriend’s party. And my stomach hurts. Im sorry for whining.

    Love you rookie!

  • KatGirl June 28th, 2012 2:25 AM

    Ruby: I’m going to a camp like that in July. Now I’m really looking forward to it, it sounds fun :)

  • ivoire June 28th, 2012 3:09 AM

    Hey Naomi, I feel very much like you lately. I hope someday you will be free from anxiety.

  • LeatherStuddedFae June 28th, 2012 3:31 AM

    Katherine, I totally know how you feel. Ahahaha! Every time I tell myself that this summer would be fun. But then you’ll just see me reblogging shit out of tumblr and screaming at my charger for being so stupid because it won’t charge. :P Then I have friends who take lessons, go out, go to road trips and exciting stuff while I’m just here. But that will change. I’ve been trying to hang out with people. Going bowling even if I don’t know how. Shower in mini water parks, go badminton, biking with a few people and stuff like that. Some days, I’m trying to be productive and just make myself write short stories, poems and such. Or maybe draw and make stop motion videos. I just do whatever I could to stay out of laziness and my boring facebook news feed.

  • Lucille June 28th, 2012 7:02 AM

    RUBY, I want to go to that kind of camp in the middle of nowhere.I need a break from all of this.
    xo, L.

  • HeartPlant June 28th, 2012 7:12 AM

    Draaaaaaacooooo Maaaaaalfoooooooooyyy

    I spent last summer obsessed with AVPM & AVPS

  • moonchild June 28th, 2012 10:12 AM


    You will be so amazing as a little Lauren Lopez! (actually you’re probably bigger than her lolz)

    Did you go to the apocalyptour? Joe Walker killed me. Like REALLY? Did he HAVE to wear shorts that short? GOD Walker. You are so flippen BEAUTIFUL.

    #redvines :)


  • HollieLillian June 28th, 2012 10:19 AM

    Ruby, to attend american summer camp is like my life ambition, whether my idea of it has been distorted somewhat to an idealism by watching the parent trap over and over and over and over or not, I don’t know, but I’m still negligibly jealous.

    *a lot jealous

  • unicorn June 28th, 2012 10:27 AM

    I love A Very Potter Musical! Hope you get the part, Ruby!

  • bird June 28th, 2012 1:09 PM

    I have exactly the same ‘psychotic cycle’ thing going on! The other week I was really depressed – like nothing cheered me up and I ended up having fights with everyone. Then this week I am in a crazy good mood constantly. Weird. But I’ve also noticed that I tend to get depressed when I have nothing to do…. I’m one of those weird people who actually enjoys being super-busy and stressed out with work. Sometimes I think I must be a masochist. (No offence but) it sounds maybe like you might be similar… The full time job and the planning and the arranging put you in a good mood and then when you took chill pill and mooched around on Facebook etc, you felt not so good… And then going for the run and doing shit made you happy! Just a (random, judgemental and probably wrong) thought!

    • Dylan June 28th, 2012 3:48 PM

      You are basically spot on, fo real.

  • Adrienne June 28th, 2012 3:13 PM

    Did somebody say DRACO MALFOY??
    Hey Ruby, I’d love to see your adaptation of AVPM! Perhaps the performance could be filmed? :))))

  • KinuKinu June 28th, 2012 3:40 PM

    This summer has been kind of horrible for me.My parents are mad at me because all my energy goes towards going to the bathroom,eating,and tumblr.I have nothing to do,no one to hang out with and this is what my summer has become.I’ve been thinking of going to YMCA or something to make friends and do SOMETHING relatively productive. I just did this:

    • Naomi Morris June 28th, 2012 6:05 PM

      i know it’s reallly annoying to think “i have nobody to do anything with” and it feels HORRIBLE – but you know you ARE a strong independent women so number 1: there are loadsssss of really cool things you can do by yourself OR shock horror: with your parents (depending on how well you get along with them). at the same time, if there IS someone who comes to mind: JUST ASK THEM. you’d be surprised by how easy it actually is. firstly people like being asked to do stuff!!! (just imagine how you would feel) and secondly LIFE IS SHORT!
      *this ends naomi’s agony aunt segment*
      (but seriously i understand. and care.)

    • pinnedtothepage July 1st, 2012 12:43 PM

      them thar cats are trippay. a whole new website!

  • Dino June 29th, 2012 11:18 AM

    Spot on Katherine! During holidays I also find myself just hanging around at home and ending up feeling bad for not doing anything PRODUCTIVE.
    I usually feel just so lazy because I have no deadlines… But I am arranging plans with friends next week! HA!

  • KatrinaBeana June 29th, 2012 12:53 PM

    I can completely relate. I just fell back into the hampster wheel that is anxiety during a family vacation. there is nothing worse than having your entire extended family wondering why you are freaking out about how crowded the dinner table is. Or when you take everything so very personally.
    I don’t wish the expeirence of living with anxiety on anyone. I hope your own anxiety demon is lifted soon, and I hope you are able to find some peace.
    The worst part is having no one to talk to about it, because sometimes talking about it is the only way to feel like you have any control left.
    Love and Deep Breaths,

  • marimba_girl July 1st, 2012 2:59 PM

    Ruby, you make me miss summers spent at Girl Scout camp. I used to have so much fun. Now during the summer I work at a job that I hate, do tons of summer AP homework , and volunteer two days a week at the zoo, which I love but is very exhausting.

  • Doggiemcdogpants July 3rd, 2012 5:34 PM

    Hey ruby! I hope your summer is going well! I read your blog all the time and I was just wondering what the camp was called. Thanks Ruby! 

    Or if anyone else knows that’s cool!