Dear Diary

June 20, 2012

Moving on.

Katherine

I went to the beach this past week with my family, where I got to meet my four-month-old cousin. I’m generally uneasy around infants, so it took me a long time to warm up to her. I have NO IDEA how to interact with a baby. What do you say? What do you do? How do you tell if the baby is really upset when all of her noises sound angry? I wondered the whole week if my family was judging me for not being the baby’s best friend. I was nervous when I held her, and content watching her from afar.

I was kind of a brat all week. I slept until two in the afternoon and only went out to the beach for an hour a day, if at all. When I woke up, I didn’t want to move. It was too bright, and the house we were staying in was too full with people. People making breakfast, playing with the baby, going to the beach, and rushing to see the alligator that was in the backyard. It seemed like a really big task for me to get up and talk to my family.

Every night when we went out to dinner, I had a hard time keeping up conversation. Sometimes I find that my personality just goes away. When it’s there, it’s OK. I can joke around and maybe pass for almost charming. But when my personality isn’t there—and there’s never any warning as to when or for how long it will leave—everything is difficult. Conversations are hard because sentences are hard because not tripping over words is impossible. I become angry and try to hide from interactions by moving around a lot. If I look like I have something to do, maybe I will avoid someone’s asking me something.

I think I slept so much because I didn’t want to look at anything. It’s hard to explain. Everything just seemed too tiring to look at. I felt like if I looked at anything for too long I would melt.

So I was moody, but I also enjoyed myself. I read, went to the beach and pool, kayaked, watched Zooey 101, and got to hang out with my grandmother and aunt and uncle. There was always ice cream in the fridge, and I ended up being completely infatuated with my cousin by the end of the trip. I guess that means I was a brat without a cause. ♦

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28 Comments

  • purrr June 20th, 2012 7:12 PM

    ruby your speech was lovely and i can most definitely agree with you that middle school is a nightmare – to me, highschool was much better in terms of figuring myself out and even though i didn’t make many friends and had self esteem issues, it still has affected me in a good way and i am sad to leave it as well. anyway, get ready for a rrrreasonably exciting time in your life :)

    http://angiemoonslawn.tumblr.com/

  • la fee clochette June 20th, 2012 7:21 PM

    I loved reading each one of these.

    And, Ruby, you are a wise and sweet girl. I am about to turn 24, but I can still learn a lot from you- great speech.

  • jill June 20th, 2012 7:24 PM

    ruby, you are so eloquent!

  • mariaantoniavs June 20th, 2012 7:25 PM

    Ruby, I love your speech and what you wrote. I also “graduated” middle school last week. I can relate to so much of what you say. I hope you really do enjoy your new town and school. I’m not going to have big changes for next year, but I also consider high school a new start.

  • Tyknos93 June 20th, 2012 7:25 PM

    Ruby you are ADORABLE and your speech was great! Good luck in high school. I can’t remember what I said at my 8th grade promotion…probably something about food…

    http://blazoningpens.blogspot.com/

    • Tyknos93 June 20th, 2012 7:38 PM

      And Katherine your entry is almost exactly what I went through last weekend. I’m sure my family members all think I’m stuck up because I don’t say much around them…I JUST HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO SAY. I don’t know if I’ll ever grow out of it after 18 years. I also kinda don’t mind it anymore…

      http://blazoningpens.blogspot.com/

  • MissKnowItAll June 20th, 2012 7:28 PM

    Ruby!
    I love you! You spoke so amazingly and I’m proud o you. Middle School is pretty dumb, but you’re closer to high school now! congrats love!

  • jennbx June 20th, 2012 7:47 PM

    Go Ruby! Good luck at your new high school, girl :)

  • decemberbaby June 20th, 2012 7:55 PM

    Thanks for telling us about the lunar eclipse, Dylan — I’ve been going through a huge “shake-up” in the past two weeks in a friendship that I really care about. I’m relieved to find out that it’s in the solar system, and not all my fault! Btw, I love Minna’s collage for this week.

  • Kathryn June 20th, 2012 7:55 PM

    Ruby, I WANT TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND. I was super impressed by your speech! And also, I love your dark hair and cat eye glasses. <3 <3 <3

  • Tiger June 20th, 2012 7:57 PM

    I feel for ya ruby!! I have the same situation at my icky middle school (which I still have one year left of). For some reason people seem to think it’s some kind of SIN to dress creatively and uniquely! But best of luck to you at your new school next year…you are totally awesome:)

  • Tiger June 20th, 2012 8:17 PM

    OOh and Naomi! I loved your article too. Be strong! Go get ‘em!

    And, like, I know right? About the Age Of Adz? It’s all anyone needs, really. This might sound really creepy but…which song was it? Futile devices and Too much are my favorites but I love them all:) and congrats again

  • GlitterKitty June 20th, 2012 8:32 PM

    Ruby, your speech was lovely. I loved all the bits about the ocean. I wish there was a good speech at my grade 8 graduation. Sadly, I just got rambling from the school principal and overly Catholic themed messages from the valedictorian (Catholic school, it happens).

    And Katherine, thank you for putting my feelings into words.

  • Dylan June 20th, 2012 9:12 PM

    I want to be near you guys all the time. Ruby, your speech was a gem, I’m really stoked for you.

  • June 20th, 2012 9:29 PM

    RUBY!!!!
    You never cease to amaze me . Your speech was incredible and very heartfelt. Im in middle school now and I can understand why you hate it so much and even though I still have one more year to go I’m glad its over for you ;)

  • ladyjenna June 20th, 2012 9:55 PM

    Lovely speech, Ruby!

    Loneliness sucks, but Rilke says that you discover yourself in solitude. yay, more quotes.

    P.S. Where did you get your glasses?

  • Catherine_CC June 20th, 2012 10:17 PM

    Katherine, I really connected with what you said—though I am slightly different in social situations. I’m either the life of the party and can strike up a conversation with absolutely anyone, or exactly like you said, “my personality just goes away” and I’m kind of numb and an empty shell void of anything resembling a social being.

    I also sleep a lot. I’d rather be asleep in a world of my own than be wake in a world out of my control with so many things to worry about.

    Thanks for writing about your week!

    -Catherine
    http://atinybitquiet.tumblr.com/

  • MinaM8 June 20th, 2012 10:33 PM

    Katherine, I totally get what you mean! I feel like that every once in a while.

    Ruby, that was an amazing speech!

  • Amy Rose June 20th, 2012 11:36 PM

    Hell yes, Ruby. Serious congratulations to you.

  • Ginny June 21st, 2012 12:13 AM

    Ruby, your speech was awesome. (Also, you are my glasses hero.)

  • Looby June 21st, 2012 4:45 AM

    “Sometimes I find that my personality just goes away”

    Amazing – totally get this.

  • lilkitten June 21st, 2012 9:23 AM

    The age of adz has gotten me through so much

  • TheGreatandPowerfulRandini June 21st, 2012 3:26 PM

    Ruby, your speech was beautiful. I also graduated (this middle school/high school hybrid called 8th-10th grade) today, and I couldn’t be happier about it.

  • Lucille June 21st, 2012 5:43 PM

    RUBY, CONGRATS ON YOUR GRADUATION THING AND SPEECH!YOU ARE SO SMART!

    xo

    http://fashion-babel.blogspot.com

  • norienoire June 21st, 2012 6:34 PM

    Oh Naomi,The Age of the Adz is a total coping mechanism for me, too. I think that because the whole concept of the album comes from a place of recovery after a long period of absolute fear and uncertainty, it gives me hope that I can go on without being paralyzed by my problems. If Sufjan could, there’s no reason that you or me or anyone else can’t heal as well. It’s intense, but I owe a lot to that album and I’m so glad that it exists. Period.

  • Janelle June 21st, 2012 7:51 PM

    Everyone wrote such relatable relevant “entries” this week. I loved it. Ruby, your graduation speech was ace. I gave a speech at my eigth grade graduation, way back when, and I didn’t have the guts to make such an honest and inspiring statement. I love how couragous you are, and always so true to yourself! Never stop being amazing, okay?

  • lubs June 21st, 2012 10:00 PM

    oh Katherine, I totally feel that personality thing sometimes. The worst thing is when you meet an awesome person when you’re with your personality and when you meet them again you’re so bland and numb. Those people must find me such a weirdo.

  • Sorcha M June 23rd, 2012 3:10 PM

    Naomi, your piece is so accurate about my life right now. I’m working off the last droplets of agoraphobia and finishing therapy and I swear your entries have been in PERFECT PARALLEL WITH MY LIFE. Well done <3